The dinner I had been invited to on Saturday evening had been a nuisance. When I awoke on Sunday morning, I still felt angry. With a frown, I looked out of the window. I decided to go for a walk. I needed to sort things out.

Wrapped in a thick coat, I left the house. The weather was bad. It was cold and foggy. It was raining slightly. Autumn. I walked down the streets of Paris. Many of the buildings were old and needed mending or painting. I looked at one of the gaslights that had replaced the old street lights. Modern times. I shrugged.

I had walked for about half an hour when I spotted a figure standing on a pedestrian bridge. I felt surprised, since I had not met anybody so far. The weather was disgusting, and people preferred to stay at home in their heated rooms.

The man in the long, dark coat looked in my direction; however he gazed into the distance, his hands pushed into the pockets of his coat. I was surprised to recognize Jeremy Weston, the young man I had met at the dinner party the day before.

I had talked to Jeremy and his friend Matthew for an hour or two. I had enjoyed their company. However, Jeremy and Matthew had left in a hurry when a disquieting event occurred. I was still feeling angry. Lady Eggleton had approached us. I had felt alarmed at once at her sly smile and furtive look. Her wicked allusions had enraged me. Jeremy had blushed and Matthew had turned pale. Instantly they had left the house. I shot Lady Eggleton an angry look. 'Oops,' she said. Her coy smile enraged me even more than had her words.

I looked at Jeremy, feeling insecure about whether I should approach him or not, since he did not move or make any sign of greeting. I pushed my hands into the pockets of my coat. At this moment Jeremy nodded slightly. He descended the stairs and made a few steps toward me. He smiled faintly.

“Good morning,” Jeremy said. “What a strange coincidence meeting you in this part of the city, Eric.”

“I live in this part of the city. I thought I would go for a walk. But the weather is terrible. Are you waiting for someone, Jeremy?”

Jeremy shook his head.

“No, I left the house hours ago. I took a carriage through different parts of Paris. I told the man to go wherever he pleased, as long as we would not stop. I told him I would pay him, of course.”

Jeremy shrugged and smiled.

“Well, he did so for almost two hours, and then he said it was time for him to go back home. So I gave him the money and climbed off the carriage at this place half an hour ago.”

I looked at Jeremy in confusion for a moment, and then I offered to show him to a place where he would easily find a carriage that would take him back home.

Again Jeremy shook his head.

“I don’t want to go back home. That would turn into a disaster.”

He looked pale and he had a haunted look in his eyes. I felt alarmed.

“Well,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “As I remember, there is a small coffeehouse not far from here. I have been walking for a while. I needed to sort things out. But now I feel cold and I think I would appreciate a cup of coffee. Would you like to join me, Jeremy?”

Jeremy looked at me thoughtfully.

“We all have to sort things out, apparently. Life is complicated.”

“Yes, it is,” I simply replied.

Jeremy smiled at me.

“Well, I will join you. Indeed, it is a cold and ugly day.”

We slowly walked down the street, and soon we spotted the coffeehouse. Fortunately, it had already opened. We entered and sat down in a quiet place. We had the room to ourselves. The waitress put down our cups, coffee for me and tea for Jeremy, and then disappeared into the back room.

Jeremy turned the cup in his hands. He looked at me for a while, his lips shivering slightly. Finally he placed down his cup, straightened and started to talk.

“I think you have noticed, Eric, that I feel attracted to Matthew. I dare not speak of love. To be honest, I cannot describe my feelings. I do like him. But I feel insecure.”

He paused for a moment. I just looked at him, surprised that he would speak to me in this frank manner. I gave him a brief smile.

Jeremy shifted in his chair, and then he continued.

“I’m not sure I can go on. We often exchange letters. I look forward to his letters. I read them again and again. But with every letter, I feel more and more insecure as well. You must know, Eric, that I am betrothed to a beautiful young English lady.”

“Oops,” I said. I took a deep breath and quickly put down my cup, almost spilling the coffee.

“I have surprised you,” Jeremy said with a smile.

We exchanged a look, and then Jeremy carried on.

“Yes, I am betrothed to a beautiful young English lady. I have known her for many years. Yet, I have barely ever spent time alone with her. Now and then we have been for a walk. One day we held hands. She looks like an angel. Her long blonde hair falls down to her shoulders. Her face is smooth and white as snow. One day in spring last year, I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and I felt truly happy. And then I proposed to her, and Elisabeth agreed.”

Jeremy fell silent for a moment. I gave him an encouraging smile.

“Shortly afterwards, my father sent me to Paris to work with a bank; soon I will return to London to start work there. Elisabeth and I are expected to marry then.”

Jeremy looked away, and stared into the room for a while.

“Eric, I think that maybe it is a mistake. But I’m not so sure at all. Matthew sent me a kind letter yesterday. I have told him of Elisabeth. I don’t think he wants me to choose between him and her. He just wants me to choose the right path. But I cannot say which one I want.”

I looked at Jeremy, thinking about his words.

“I can only tell you of my own experiences, Jeremy,” I started. “I knew of my nature when I was very young. I have always been aware of it. But I struggled a long time to accept it. I struggled even longer to cope with it. But I cannot deny who I am. I remember a time when I lived on my own and was very reluctant to enter into relationships. I lived a normal life. But when I was on my own, my mind wandered and I started to dream.”

I smiled briefly.

“I remember that I often imagined a beautiful lady. I tried to pretend that we were in love and desired to marry and wanted to lead a normal life. But it did not take long until in my dreams a young man turned up, her cousin usually. I went for a ride with him or for a swim, or we strolled the fields, until we lay in the green grass and...the lady was forgotten.”

I fell silent and looked at Jeremy. Jeremy gazed at me somewhat amazed. I flushed and placed my hands around my cup. Jeremy smiled at me and in a low voice replied.

“I know this dream, Eric. Actually, I had been with the cousin and now I am betrothed to the beautiful lady.”

Jeremy leaned forward.

“When I was at school, my family and my cousin’s family used to spend four weeks on the countryside in summer. I fell in love with William, my cousin, when I was sixteen. We had the same room. In the morning he usually got up and stood naked in front of the basin and cleaned up. I watched him. I could not keep my eyes off him. I did not move. I didn’t want him to notice. He always stepped out of the room looking at me with a grin and laughing cheerfully. I always blushed when he looked at me. Three years we spent the summer holidays like this.”

“Two years ago - we had just finished school and we knew this would be our last summer together - our families were invited to some neighbour’s house. William and I stayed at home while the others went. We spent an exciting evening doing forbidden things. We smoked pipes, drank Scotch and read some erotic poems from a book William had taken along. We lay next to each other in front of the chimney fire. I can’t say how it happened, but suddenly we lay in each other’s arms, kissing fervidly. Our hands roamed over our bodies, untied laces and removed clothes and...When we parted three weeks later, we promised to keep it secret forever.”

Jeremy paused.

“His father sent William to Amsterdam in autumn to work with a lawyer. I stayed behind, feeling sad and lost. One evening I was invited to William’s house. I had hoped he was there, but he wasn’t. Elisabeth, the lady I am betrothed to, tried to cheer me up, since she noticed my sad mood.”

Jeremy glanced at me.

“Elisabeth is William’s sister. We exchanged letters from that day on. She’s a soft and caring creature. Her thoughts matched mine and I was able to express to her my feelings. But I never mentioned William. Our parents knew we exchanged letters and our mothers were delighted. They found we were a good match. They encouraged us to meet more often.”

Jeremy laughed softly.

“That meant I was invited every two weeks to Elisabeth’s house and we were allowed to go for a walk in the garden or to sit together on a bench under a tree in spring. Her mother used to disappear into the house with a smirk, but we knew she watched us from behind the curtains. Everything seemed to be simply perfect. Then my father spoke to me and told me it was time to propose to Elisabeth to not embarrass her. Last year, in May, I did.”

Jeremy fell silent. He lowered his eyes and stared into his empty cup. I was at a loss for words for a while. His tale sounded like some beautiful love story. However, the truth was different.

The waitress entered the room and, since Jeremy didn’t move, I ordered some more coffee and tea.

Finally Jeremy looked up.

“Elisabeth and her parents spent the winter months in Italy. They arrived in Paris yesterday to spend two days here before they move on and travel back to London. They expect me to have lunch with them today and to go for a walk in the afternoon. And in the evening, we will go to a fine restaurant and her father...I know he wants to fix the wedding day.”

Jeremy covered his face with his hands. I felt shocked.

A few minutes passed.

“You’re not in love with Matthew then?” I asked.

“No, I’m not,” Jeremy said, his voice very calm. “He’s 38, I am 21. This will not last forever. I know and he knows. He just wants me to do the proper thing.”

“That is?” I asked.

“That is to break off my engagement.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, I am,” Jeremy said.

I nodded. There was no need for further explanations.

Jeremy finished his tea.

“I thank you, Eric, just for taking the time and listening.”

“Don’t worry, Jeremy,” I said.

We rose from our chairs, paid and left the coffeehouse.

“What a strange coincidence meeting you early on a rainy Sunday morning. You wanted to sort things out, and now I did.”

Jeremy chuckled.

“Well, I sorted things out as well. I guess we have a lot in common,” I replied with a smile.

Jeremy laughed softly.

“Next time, you have to tell me your story,” he said. He promised to send me a note. Then he climbed into a carriage.

I took out my watch. Eleven o’clock. I had been out for almost three hours.

Jeremy didn’t send me a note. But four weeks later I met him again at another dinner party.

I turned when I unexpectedly heard his voice.

“I’m sorry, Eric, I promised to send a note but I haven’t.”

“Jeremy, don’t worry,” I said. “Is everything fine?”

“No or yes, as you may put it.” Jeremy smiled briefly.

“I talked to Elisabeth. We went for a walk on our own after lunch, that day I met you in the street. I told her I was not sure the wedding was a good plan. I did not mention William. Nor did I mention Matthew. I was afraid she might be shocked. Elisabeth was very calm and composed. She told me to take my time and think about it. She said she considered me a true friend and she preferred a friendship to a marriage, if that was what made me happy.”

“She is willing to break off the engagement so easily?” I asked surprised.

“Her grandmother died four weeks ago. That’s why they travelled back to London before the end of the winter. Elisabeth says everybody will understand that we would not celebrate a wedding in the year of mourning.”

Jeremy shuffled his feet. In a low voice he continued.

“Well, I agreed. What could I have said? Her mother was very attached to Elisabeth’s grandmother. She grieves for her. Why should I add to her grief?”

“What about Matthew?” I asked after a moment of silence.

“I cannot be without him,” Jeremy simply said, his eyes meeting mine.

I gave him a smile, understanding quite well his feelings and motives. Jeremy smiled back and we dropped the topic.

My life moved on and the months passed by. I sometimes thought of Jeremy. I hoped he had taken the right decision.

Half a year later, I met him again. On a summer evening I had gone for a walk in the park, when suddenly the young man approached me. He greeted me with a smile.

“Jeremy, we have not met in a while. How are you doing? How are things?”

Again Jeremy smiled.

“Well, I’d say things are improving.”

I gave him a questioning look and Jeremy smiled again.

“I have not yet told you the whole story. If you would like to hear it, I will tell you the end of the story.”

“Yes, certainly,” I replied. “I’m eager to know, Jeremy.”

“I always felt guilty about how things had developed. But now I know everything is fine. I received a letter from Elisabeth yesterday.  Elisabeth is going to marry in October and she told me she was very happy and glad.”

Jeremy paused briefly. I gave him a nod.

“I went to London in December to spend Christmas at home. I also wanted to speak to my father. My employer, Mister Briggs, had asked me to stay in Paris for another year. He was very satisfied with my work and wrote a letter to my father. My father felt flattered. Mister Briggs is a very famous man. His opinion is highly esteemed. My father said in order to do well in my career I should consent to Mister Brigg's offer and continue work in the Paris branch of the bank. Of course, this would upset my plans regarding the marriage. So he suggested I talk to Elisabeth, while he would talk to her parents.”

Jeremy smiled faintly.

“What a merciful fate, you might want to say. The marriage delayed. I felt miserable and wretched, Eric. Of course, Elisabeth’s parents agreed. Her mother was not in good health at that time. Elisabeth’s grandmother had died. Everybody was happy to delay the marriage. I was not happy at all.”

Jeremy folded his hands and I gave him an encouraging smile.

“Well, I spoke to Elisabeth. I told her the entire truth. She was embarrassed at first and very silent. But then she said she was happy that I had told her the truth. She had suspected that something was going on.  She said she had guessed from my letters, since my letters to her had changed after her visit to Paris. It took her a while to cope with it. But then she asked questions and I answered. It was a conversation between true friends. Elisabeth is a true friend. She will always be my friend.”

I nodded and smiled. Jeremy continued.

“We discussed how to carry on. Finally Elisabeth suggested we go and see her aunt Margaret. Margaret is a very resolute woman, very different from Elisabeth’s mother who enjoys grieving and suffering. Margaret’s husband died ten years ago and she lives on her own now, amusing herself. I mean, she invites people to parties and dinners almost every weekend. To make a long story short, we told her everything, really everything, and to my surprise she took it lightly and she did not accuse me of anything.”

“She said in an earnest voice, though, that, if we both agreed to break off the engagement, this would mean to Elisabeth she would have to marry soon, else she would never marry. Margaret explained her plan to us. She would invite Elisabeth every Wednesday and Friday to her house to teach her things that a future wife needed to know. Thus Elisabeth would attend the parties and dinners on Friday evening, perfect occasions to meet a suitable future husband.”

Jeremy looked at me. I nodded slightly.

“You probably think ‘How can he agree to this plan?’ But, yes, I agreed, because I did not know a better solution. But I felt like I had sacrificed Elisabeth because of my own selfish desires. In May Margaret introduced to Elisabeth a nobleman, a very sophisticated, well-educated man with a sizable fortune and engaged in foreign trade. When I heard of it, I again felt like a ruthless villain.”

“At the end of June, Elisabeth wrote that she and Lord Richard Hamilton, that’s his name, had agreed to marry. She thought it was time to break off our engagement. A second letter was included in Elisabeth’s letter, a very polite request to set her free.”

Jeremy looked at me and I noticed the sadness in his eyes. I nodded faintly and he carried on.

“I wrote back a letter, a letter she could show to her relatives. But, when I wrote it, I cried. I would have liked to start anew and I wished my life were different. Well, I asked her to think upon it again. I wrote I adored and esteemed her and that she was the perfect incarnation of all good virtues I could think of. I wrote that I wished we could continue as before, but if it were her honest wish to be released, I would set her free, since I would rather live without her and see her happy than make her life unhappy and dark. I would not want to see her fading by my side. And this is true, Eric, it is not a lie.”

We looked at each other and we fell silent for a while. I could feel Jeremy’s grief, myself. Jeremy swallowed and then continued.

“She sent me another letter and I wrote back and thus our engagement was broken off. I sent her letters and copies of mine to my father along with a long letter. I sent a long letter to Elisabeth’s father. They replied. A depressing exchange of letters from everybody to everybody, sad and unkind. Elisabeth’s parents questioned her and she confessed that her heart belonged to another man. In the end everything was said and done. I felt like a wretch of a fellow.”

Jeremy straightened.

“Yesterday, I got a letter from Elisabeth. She will marry Lord Hamilton in October. Her letter is very affectionate and sincere. She says she has fallen in love with Hamilton and I do believe her. The way she writes, tells me she speaks the truth. I feel relieved. But still I feel sad. I truly wish the sun will shine in her life forever.”

Jeremy gazed into the distance for a moment or two. Then he smiled at me.

“That’s the whole story, Eric.”

I returned his smile.

“I wish you and Elisabeth will stay friends, Jeremy. She’s an exceptional girl.”

Jeremy nodded and for a while we followed our own thoughts.

Finally I asked. “Have you heard from Matthew?”

Jeremy laughed softly.

“Now and then we meet. Now and then we exchange letters, kind letters still. But, you know, he is very busy. He’s working on a periodical. And he spends a lot of time with his co-worker recently.”

Jeremy fell silent and glanced at the floor. I looked at him until he raised his eyes again.

“I dare say that Matthew missed a chance,” I said with a smile.

Jeremy smiled back.

“Now that I know Elisabeth is happy, I feel relaxed. It was not wise to propose to her so soon. I will not make this mistake again.”

He paused for a moment, thinking.

“May I ask you to join me and go out tonight, Eric? We could watch a play in the small theatre near the university, if you like to. They play Shakespeare tonight.”

“Yes,” I agreed, “We can have dinner first, and then take a carriage to the theatre.”

Jeremy gave me a nod. We slowly left the park.

© 2009 Dolores Esteban

Many thanks to David McLeod for editing and encouragement.

Story Discussion

Gay Authors 2009 Spring Anthology

Gay Authors Home