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I thought I wasn’t going to blog anymore, but I had the urge this morning. Life has been pretty chaotic, I don’t know where to start.
To be honest, I could start back two years ago. I met this guy online; a really sweet and amazing guy. We started getting to know each other while mine and Chris’ relationship was hitting a snag, with him wanting to join the army, and that I refused to get married just to stay with him. I started to develop feelings for this guy, which who wouldn’t? He’s silly, intelligent, sincere, and he’s even very cute (something really hard to find).
An overwhelming amount of problems started popping up when he told me that he had feelings for me. The most important being that Chris and I were only taking a break, which I told him so and he understood, and promised to not get between us. Eventually, Chris and I did work it out, and we were back together, but I falling for this guy.
We probably spoke every day at first. He never lost interest to me, and we never ran out of things to talk about. I started feeling happy, and thinking about him all the time. I was staying up some nights when I should have been asleep just to say hi to him. The more we talked, the bigger the strain became with me and Chris. When I did want to hang out with Chris, he was at work, or school; he never had a day off, and when he did have time to do something, I was locked away on the computer thinking about someone other than him. I always told my friend that nothing was wrong, or that Chris was too busy anyways, which I shouldn’t have lied about. I knew if I told him the truth, he would feel guilty for taking time away from me and my boyfriend.
A lot of the problems were my fault, even though Chris was not entirely innocent. He was always out working or at school, and my friend filled a lot of that loneliness. The more he worked, the more I confided in my friend, and as a result, the more I pushed Chris away. I fell for this guy, and it blinded me, and I didn’t see Chris trying. He fixed his schedule to be home earlier, switched his classes to online classes, he started asking me out to go places, but I was so caught up with my own things that I ignored him. Eventually, he just stopped trying with me, which resulted with him finding someone else.
Of course, I refused to take any blame, seeing no wrong in myself, and I blamed Chris for leaving me. But you would think that now that I was single, I would try to make something between me and my friend, but I couldn’t. I never told him I was transgendered. I never told anyone actually. Past experiences made me believe that when I told him, he would leave.
So I was out of a relationship, and not able to go after one I felt like I wanted. I started smoking meth again to deal with the stress. This guy wanted a relationship just as badly as I did, and I felt like I was losing him by saying no over and over, but I rather say no then tell him I wasn’t born male. Smoking meth started putting a strain on our friendship, and one night when I was drunk, I sat in this piece of shit 87 Camaro and told my friend the truth, and he didn’t leave. He accepted me. I couldn’t have been more sure that I loved him at that moment.
But we just couldn’t work out a relationship. We lived in different countries, and he couldn’t find a way to come here, and I couldn’t leave my responsibility here to come to him, so when Chris came back, we got back together. Of course, my friend said he understood, but I’m pretty sure I hurt him.
Even back with Chris, I was obsessed with the other guy. I loved him, and even then, I wanted to be with him. I was smoking meth everyday, continuing to push Chris away, just like before. So it wasn’t any surprise when he left again. I played the victim, as usual, and delved more into drugs. Everyone around me knew it, I had completely changed.
I stopped talking to all my friends except for Him. I deleted all my blogs, and my life from the computer, I ignored almost anyone who cared about me. I was fixated on this guy, for his wonderfulness, and if it wasn’t for him, I would have never went back to rehab. Even when I sobered up, I kept absorbing all my time for him, and during that time, we still weren’t any closer to a relationship, and all the while, Chris would come and check on me, and I would treat him like shit for hurting me, not once considering that I might have hurt him too. I even punched him in the face.
He finally got through to me recently, and I realized that I pushed him out of my life, and I talked to my friend, after so long of beating around the bush, and finally asked if we could be more than friends. I told him the truth about staying up all night for him, and how I pushed Chris away. I think he was shocked that I had done all this, holding out for us to be something, but like always, was never less than sincere and honest. He told me that if he had to come here for a relationship and have an awful job, he could end up resenting me. I don’t want that, and he didn’t either. I finally realized what I was doing, and it was emotional, but I told him that I only wanted to be friends, and I wanted Chris back in my life. We agreed to it, and agreed to not seek out a relationship.
I have a lot to work on, and a lot of mistakes to fix, and a lot more to explain than this blog, so I might go back to blogging, who knows. It certainly helped before. I’m sorry if it’s confusing. I wrote it all in one spell, and didn’t look back on any of it. I just want to put it out, then go into details later. I’m sorry if it feels like I abandoned anyone. I’ll make it up to you.
And please don’t judge my friend. I’m not mentioning his name, although I don’t think he’ll mind. He didn’t once stand in the way of mine and Chris’ relationship. He’s nothing short of amazing, so I don’t expect people to down him at all.
To be honest, I could start back two years ago. I met this guy online; a really sweet and amazing guy. We started getting to know each other while mine and Chris’ relationship was hitting a snag, with him wanting to join the army, and that I refused to get married just to stay with him. I started to develop feelings for this guy, which who wouldn’t? He’s silly, intelligent, sincere, and he’s even very cute (something really hard to find).
An overwhelming amount of problems started popping up when he told me that he had feelings for me. The most important being that Chris and I were only taking a break, which I told him so and he understood, and promised to not get between us. Eventually, Chris and I did work it out, and we were back together, but I falling for this guy.
We probably spoke every day at first. He never lost interest to me, and we never ran out of things to talk about. I started feeling happy, and thinking about him all the time. I was staying up some nights when I should have been asleep just to say hi to him. The more we talked, the bigger the strain became with me and Chris. When I did want to hang out with Chris, he was at work, or school; he never had a day off, and when he did have time to do something, I was locked away on the computer thinking about someone other than him. I always told my friend that nothing was wrong, or that Chris was too busy anyways, which I shouldn’t have lied about. I knew if I told him the truth, he would feel guilty for taking time away from me and my boyfriend.
A lot of the problems were my fault, even though Chris was not entirely innocent. He was always out working or at school, and my friend filled a lot of that loneliness. The more he worked, the more I confided in my friend, and as a result, the more I pushed Chris away. I fell for this guy, and it blinded me, and I didn’t see Chris trying. He fixed his schedule to be home earlier, switched his classes to online classes, he started asking me out to go places, but I was so caught up with my own things that I ignored him. Eventually, he just stopped trying with me, which resulted with him finding someone else.
Of course, I refused to take any blame, seeing no wrong in myself, and I blamed Chris for leaving me. But you would think that now that I was single, I would try to make something between me and my friend, but I couldn’t. I never told him I was transgendered. I never told anyone actually. Past experiences made me believe that when I told him, he would leave.
So I was out of a relationship, and not able to go after one I felt like I wanted. I started smoking meth again to deal with the stress. This guy wanted a relationship just as badly as I did, and I felt like I was losing him by saying no over and over, but I rather say no then tell him I wasn’t born male. Smoking meth started putting a strain on our friendship, and one night when I was drunk, I sat in this piece of shit 87 Camaro and told my friend the truth, and he didn’t leave. He accepted me. I couldn’t have been more sure that I loved him at that moment.
But we just couldn’t work out a relationship. We lived in different countries, and he couldn’t find a way to come here, and I couldn’t leave my responsibility here to come to him, so when Chris came back, we got back together. Of course, my friend said he understood, but I’m pretty sure I hurt him.
Even back with Chris, I was obsessed with the other guy. I loved him, and even then, I wanted to be with him. I was smoking meth everyday, continuing to push Chris away, just like before. So it wasn’t any surprise when he left again. I played the victim, as usual, and delved more into drugs. Everyone around me knew it, I had completely changed.
I stopped talking to all my friends except for Him. I deleted all my blogs, and my life from the computer, I ignored almost anyone who cared about me. I was fixated on this guy, for his wonderfulness, and if it wasn’t for him, I would have never went back to rehab. Even when I sobered up, I kept absorbing all my time for him, and during that time, we still weren’t any closer to a relationship, and all the while, Chris would come and check on me, and I would treat him like shit for hurting me, not once considering that I might have hurt him too. I even punched him in the face.
He finally got through to me recently, and I realized that I pushed him out of my life, and I talked to my friend, after so long of beating around the bush, and finally asked if we could be more than friends. I told him the truth about staying up all night for him, and how I pushed Chris away. I think he was shocked that I had done all this, holding out for us to be something, but like always, was never less than sincere and honest. He told me that if he had to come here for a relationship and have an awful job, he could end up resenting me. I don’t want that, and he didn’t either. I finally realized what I was doing, and it was emotional, but I told him that I only wanted to be friends, and I wanted Chris back in my life. We agreed to it, and agreed to not seek out a relationship.
I have a lot to work on, and a lot of mistakes to fix, and a lot more to explain than this blog, so I might go back to blogging, who knows. It certainly helped before. I’m sorry if it’s confusing. I wrote it all in one spell, and didn’t look back on any of it. I just want to put it out, then go into details later. I’m sorry if it feels like I abandoned anyone. I’ll make it up to you.
And please don’t judge my friend. I’m not mentioning his name, although I don’t think he’ll mind. He didn’t once stand in the way of mine and Chris’ relationship. He’s nothing short of amazing, so I don’t expect people to down him at all.
That has been a lot to deal with. I hope the best for you. And for Chris and for this online friend too. You all were caught in the oldest traps in relationship - the greener grass on the other side of the fence.
Things have a way of working out, one way or the other.