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No idea

Posted by , 05 August 2012 · 566 views

I wake up in tears and I wish I knew why. This may be the start of my literal break down.

Maybe it's work? I've been so stressed about it lately. Shoots are going to be done, fashion week is about to start, the constant flying, and everything else. I think that it's starting to take a toll on me. The problem is that I keep pushing, it's like I have no limit. When it becomes too much, I shrug it all of and keep going.

School also starts soon. It's going to be stressful, especially if work is going to be extra strenuous.

Throughout all of it, I still keep going. Like an overused car, I keep pushing myself. Why? I don't know. At times I feel like I'm not living for much, it's all about making others feel good. I've never thought of myself first. I'm not even going to lie, being single for this long has made me so used to lonely. I always say to myself, "don't think about it! you have to focus on tasks at hand." So, I ignore every possible suitor. I think of every possible excuse I can to not see them. To not open myself up.

I think the ice I've built up for the past seven years is slowly starting to melt. I'm scared because I'll be vulnerable. I don't want to be, I can't be, I refuse to be. I don't even know what my point is anymore, maybe putting it on here will give me some comfort.

I'm just so used to trying to be perfect. My mom used to tell me, "do you ever have an off day? Bambini, I don't want you to burn out, just take it easy." But it's hard, I don't know why it's so damn hard. I'd assure her everything was fine, but secretly, I was trying to make myself feel better. It's sad really.

So here I am... smoking a cigarette and drinking some orange juice and vodka. At 6 in the damn morning.




Hug be strong x
Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens
bright copper kettles and warm wollen mittens
YB in a package that comes with g-strings
These are a few of your favorite things.
Be vulnerable, have some fun, and go ahead and disappoint a few.

Sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders Ryan, you should prioritize and take some of the weight off by getting rid of some of the non-value added tasks that are taking up your time. Otherwise it's going to make your shoulders slouch. And being so tall, that probably won't be a good look on you :P

Oh, and Vodka at 6am? That explains the couple of tumbles you've taken while jogging.

Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens
bright copper kettles and warm wollen mittens
YB in a package that comes with g-strings
These are a few of your favorite things.


Are you trying to make me sleep with you? Two bottoms don't make a top.
Vodka and OJ and I get's no invite, I thought you loved me Ryan... Super Sized Hugs coming your way.

Are you trying to make me sleep with you? Two bottoms don't make a top.


I lean more top when my dog watches.
It's okay to cry. Really, it's okay to cry.

I remember a panic swept over me like that when school was about to start every year. Then it gets better. I had to build up some confidence in myself. After I got into college, I totally scratched my past and started all over from ground zero.... It is not going to be easy of course. That feeling got back when I was out of job and then had to return to school to retrain myself, so yeah, even older folks would have such feeling. I am not going to lie about it. It's nice you're honest about your own feeling

Nobody is going to see you cry if you cried privately, so why let it bother you? Please do cry when you can!

Everything is going to be okay though.... Life may not be what you imagined, but it has its own way.
I do cry, but I try to control it. Breaking down is hard for me. It's almost like I don't like being vulnerable, even to myself.
because it'll smear your mascara?
I don't wear makeup, Yang.
It's okay to wear makeup. Really, it's okay to wear makeup (if you feel like it). My previous twin brother wore eyeliners. I told him it looked fabulous on him, because he could pull it off. It's very subtle (as good makeup should be, not over the top), but I always notice that type of thing, and I know how important it is for him to feel fabulous inside and out. So yeah, if mascara would get you a date with Y_B..., go for it. j/k....
Oh..., one more thing. The only approval you'll ever need is your self-approval. I feel vulnerable sometimes, but I am one of those very head-strong guy who will never admit a defeat... or I used to be. Guess what, I think I am stronger than I ever was after I admitted I am not always strong, and I have feeling just like everyone else. My hair maybe black, but I told people I am actually a red-head. LOL!
Ashi, oh gosh. Why would I date Yang? That's like.... that would.... oh no.

As for makeup, in my profession I do it on others, so I don't wear it. I will admit there are days I have to because I literally have not slept for days.
Ryan,

You should probably talk to someone professional. It doesn't make you weak, or vulnerable. But sometimes it takes someone in the know to steer you where you need to go to open up about the things that are hurting you the most. You probably can't identify it on your own because it doesn't seem like the issue to you.

Anyway, another thing that helps - or so I'm told - is taking the train to DC and watching a precocious 10 month old named 'lil q while her daddies go to the movie. Just repeating what I heard. 0:)
Being vulnerable to one's self, and crying is fine, and being vulnerable to others in the privacy of you own home is fine. Cry you heart out if it relieves the stress. Stressed to the limit is not fine for you, your health, or your frame of mind.

Also, I am sure a ten month old would definitely take your mind off of your worries! lol

Ashi, oh gosh. Why would I date Yang? That's like.... that would.... oh no.


But you're on first name basis with him.... That means you're friends at least....

I was only joking of course. I don't know him in person, so I cannot guarantee his character. If he turns out to be normal and not the perv he is online, I don't see why you shouldn't date him.... It's not like you have to marry him or something. It doesn't have to be him, of course, just hypothetically speaking. Both of you are still young, and I don't know if you know the line from Moon River..., which Audrey Hepburn sang in Breakfast at Tiffany's. "Two drifters, off to see the world, there is a lot of the world to see...," and you can continue the song from that on, and watch the film if you like, to get into the context I am trying to say.... One drifter is just terribly lonely you know. I am not even sure if two people get silly together can be called drifters anymore. Just sayin'....
Playing matchmaker, Ashi?

No worries, Ryry and I've had our fun...but like he said in the forums, I can't handle him, and I couldn't...his libido wasn't something that's naturally found on this earth, I was simply overwhelmed and had to break it off (the relationship, not his ****). I miss it though (his ****, not the relationship), so i drop all these subtle and not-so-subtle hints everywhere, but it doesn't seem like he's interested anymore, and he even claims to be a bottom now.
No, I am not playing Emma.... I did say it doesn't have to be you. I just thought..., ARGH!!! too complicated to explain in a short message like this. But watch Breakfast at Tiffany's if you haven't done so, but it might give people the wrong idea about you.... Because it's "ghey" for a guy to like Audrey. j/k

Well..., kettle calling pot black. You did switch from top to bottom didn't you? Or at least that's my impression from your posts in the appropriately named thread.... He is high maintenance.... Quite a shocking thought that someone could have overwhelmed you. Posted Image

And Ryan..., do all of us a favor, plug him with your **** so we can have a peace of quietness. Posted Image

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