Hey I would love for you to check out my story and let me know what you think.

Disfellowshipped Love

Thanks Enjoy!!

jdu82
Jonathan

A good story. You set things up at the start, went back to the start of the situation, and then finished it well!

You need to work on punctuation and a little on sentence construction, but you've got a good plot with a nice flow to the story. Well done!

I look forward to seeing what else you write in the future. Have you considered trying to get something ready for the next anthology?

Great Story

I like the way that you ended it. You could say it is complete, or you could continue on the relationship, and maybe tie Dustin into the future and see where that goes.

By tying in religion, one that I really don't know much about other than the stereotypes it actually piqued my interest a lot more. Needless to say that the location made me more interested (BTW, if CJames decides to lurk in this forum, don't let him convince you that all Canadians are make believe )



I was wondering how to politely say the same thing (which Graeme did ). Don't take it the wrong way, but this became more noticeable as the story went on. Possibly an editor and a beta reader may help out in the future. I imagine Graeme can help you out there.

I will definitely keep my eyes open to see any more work from you. Be it further short stories or a series.

Great Job!!!

Thanks guys I appreciate it. I'm in desperate need of an Editor that can fix up my stories and give suggestions. I do have someone to do the proofreading now but could still use someone to help out with content and sentence structure. If there is anyone that would like to be my editor please e-mail me at jdu82@hotmail.com or PM me here.

Thanks
Jonathan

p.s. I updated the post with spelling and grammer corrections sent to me by Bondwriter my proofreader.

I enjoyed this story. The way the narrator is in love with Dustin and that he has to actually realize it will never work out (the hard way) rings true. As to the confrontation with the Elders, it is quite well described.

Hey, it looks like it's been edited a tad!

Thanks It was acctually pretty easy to write the Elder section the hard one was the Parents, I have been thru the Parent IRL so what to say was easy, how to do it without crying and getting the feelings accross was hard. I'm acctually thinking of making this short into a series at some point and make Disfellowshipped Love the prelude.

Jonathan

That was an excellent short, Jonathan. I sincerely hope that you do consider making it a serial story.

I also hope you realize that CJames, my goat-buddy, doesn't really believe that Canada is a mythological country. If the truth be known, he would really prefer to be Canadian. It's just that all that Arizona sand gets into his brain and causes fuzzy thinking. Besides, he's only a lurker in these forums.

Again, well done!

Conner

Thanks a lot I'm glad you enjoyed it

If you guys have any questions I would be happy to answer them.

It certainly does! It is a lot easier to read now (though I only skimmed it this time).

There is still one line in the opening paragraph that's bothering me, though:



The narrator is quite young -- or rather he is narrating a story of when he was quite young. This line doesn't fit unless he's narrating well after the event and is remembering things that he's done after the events in this story, or there is a lot more to him that this story shows. As far as I can see, there are no other hints to back up this statement. If this is the start of something longer, then that would be fine, but as a short story, this statement should be justified -- even if it's only in passing.

Uh oh

François, you didn't add any French, did you??

Good story, Jonathan, I enjoyed the read.

Sharon (Who' 'trembling' with jealousy over how you managed that cool 'Frosty Hunter' thing )

I agree and have changed it a little adding this to it:

Thank you very much!!

What? Me? Fuzzy-thinking?
Now, what was I saying.,. I forgot?

OK, seriously, I liked the story, very well done. I especially liked the way you left the ending open so it could either be a short story, or the first chapter of a longer one.
CJ

Thank you very much CJ

Jonathan

Sorry to hijack the thread for personal messages, Jon, but I just wanted to let Sharon know she's 13 posts away to be able to write whatever she wants instead of "Manic Poster" too.

Hey The continuation of Difellowshipped Love has been posted!!

Sorry it took so long to get out had a bit of writers block.

Hope you enjoy!
Jon