Yo,

So uh, I've decided to open a discussion regarding a new story I've written [well, started to write] and I'm looking for some feedback. Comments are welcome, and I'm always looking for new ways to improve my writing for it is the first time I've posted up a story, so hit me up with constructive critism as well =]

And He Was Gone speaks through the eyes of Shawn, who's life takes a whirl when he meets a boy named Devin. Dilemmas and stakes rise and fall, and Shawn realizes nothing will be the same again as he makes some of the most difficult choices in his life.

Things have been pretty hectic here, but I'll make sure to post the next chapter or so in the following week.


And He Was Gone.


Again, million thanks to Colin for the editting

Hello,

I would really like to thank you for returning me to my much younger days; the second chapter reminded me a lot of the teen serials I used to watch. The scene was so well conveyed that I felt like being a spectator and watching a TV. Was really funny!

Good start. I think the first chapter should have rather been a kinda prologue and the real story should have started at the second chapter itself. But that's my own thought.

Waiting for more.

Ieshwar

Nice job, FishWings. Very descriptive with good imagery.

Conner

Thx Conner and Ieshwar! I shall update soon and get that prologue thinger fixed once I complete the next chunk~

This is an intriguing story. I'm looking forward to chapter five.

Thanks, Fish Wings - an odd name

Camy

Hello,

You should have told in your forum that you've updated the story. I read the third and fourth chapter. Great! Shawn seems to be quite the use-mouth-less-and-fists-more type . Dont wory, he's cool. I can understand his depressing moods, all of us o through them at one time or the other. But what about that boy??? When we'll meet him? He seems sooo cute! He does seem quite poor and sad. His past mustn't have been easy, I believe.

Keep it up.

Ieshwar

OH, lol, yerse =] I updated meh story. Here's a link tah Three. Chapter 5 should be out in a couple o' days, depending on meh mood and when I get all my studying done for my provincials exams. ASKJHASDKJHASDKJH.

THanks for the comments Ieshwar and Camy : D Of the guy Shawn has yet to meet, you'll read about him soon. Well, very soon to be exact. It's entertaining to keep people waiting

This is a really nicely crafted beginning. The 1st person voice rings really true, and the author uses lots of clever imagery ("I managed to postpone my staring contest with the ceiling" is a great line!) Looking forward to 5.

Chapter 4 was like poetry.

Nice job.

Thanks bondwriter and Conner =]

I was going to upload chapter 5 today but aparently, efiction doesn't allow word documents nemore -- or perhaps they haven't gotten around to changing it all -- and I quite frankly hate .html coz of the clumsy spacing, so I shall wait it out until they get a fixing.

Chapter FIVE is out~

Thx to Colin for editting and thank YOU for readin : ]

'The butterflies in my stomach were on Ecstasy.' A peachy line, and one of many.

This reminds me of EleCivil, which is a frightening thought, 'cause the universe will probably cease to be if there are two of you ... or two FishWings for that matter. Hmm. Fish need two wings to fly.

Anyway, a cracking good chapter. Thanks.

Camy

Thanks for designing a touching, warm character, a real role-model with Ms. Bridge. She rocks. She's only a substitute, but she decides to make all those unruly kids' lives miserable with the importance of adjectives in speech. She gets hurt in sophomoric pranks, and she comes back the next day with crutches. She's a genuine 21st century heroin.

We are as puzzled as the narrator concerning Devin; "He smelled of the wind, of the sea, the sky, of raging beams of sunshine and crushed leaves." Sorry, but I want to know more about someone who smelled of raging beams of sunshine. Very good writing again. Witty & entertaining.

Lawl, thanks Bondwriter and Camy : 3 I knew Ms. Bridge would win hearts <3

Of which, I just started reading EleCivil's Laika, and I think it's great~

Great chapter, FishWings.

You most definitely wax poetic in your writing. This one I particularly enjoyed...



I love the 'edge' you've given Shawn, quite unique. His sarcasm and irreverence fit his character nicely. He also has a gritty charm....



Devin could well be his match, though. Looking forward to that development.

Conner

I'm becoming quite enamoured with your writing style. Chapter 6 was wonderful.

Conner

HMM I wasn't sure how to take this when I started reading it. I can't find myself identifying with Shawn or Devin. but at the same time I'm enjoying it. Your use of words to create imagery is fascinating. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this! Although from the way it's going I'm suspecting the hospital or a morgue! keep it coming!

Thanks guys for all the comments and support <3

Of relating to Shawn... I usually write about things that I don't know, but this short story is of the contrary. So I guess the only person who can relate to him would be me.

I have no point

A morgue is a good idea. I'll keep that in mind while writing the next few chapters~ Maybe Ill include some car crashes and memory loss too : D

OUCH! I hope that wasn't a subtle hint.

I just read the sixth chapter. Is Shawn really out of his house? So sad.



I absolutely agree with Yaalc. You create so strong images with your descriptions. Great!


Ahhh! Please don't be too rough with the characters.

Ieshwar

Loving the way the story is written!

Pure prose poetry.

(Not too sure yet whether I like Shawn or not, though....)



Marty

And chapter 7 will be posted....soon?

Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap ....

Rofl, uh, Chapter Seven is now posted : D

Thanks Marty, Conner, Ieshwar, Bondwriter and all for the comments and support and stuff [and thankyou colin for editting <3]. Means a lot to me, even though I haven't had the time to be working on it. Summer classes suck and so I doubt I'll be writing any time soon.

Enjoi : 3

Shawn and Devin will share a tent? Now that's definitely a cliffhanger ending!

Again, beautifully written, FishWings. A few favourites...









Some great humour as well...







Ok. I'd better stop here before I copy and paste the entire chapter into this post.

Conner

Rofl yes, its tent sex time.

How can these guys do that? Are they not human? I mean, how can they think of killing someone sweet as Devin? Men, I say,...

Sorry, I just read the chapter and wanted to rant. Devin is becoming sweeter in each chapter. I swear, I gonna have diabetes soon. During that scene of pond and waterfall, I felt something missing - a kiss. *sigh*

I hope that Shawn saves our sweeet and drunk Devin, spills out his feeling for him, learn that Devin is gay too and have spell-binding sex. Yuppi!

Waiting for more!

Ieshwar

Going to repeat myself (plus Conner took all the good quotes lol ), but the language and writing are flabbergasting. The images are vivid and the mix between seriousness and humor is just perfect. Come on, Shawn, warn Devin, and find a way to protect him from Tom and his gang!

One thing that I find it a bit hard to take, by the way, is the fact that these guys are willing to kill someone just because he's stepped on their territory. You do explain the rowdy atmosphere of the school kids, but would they really want to stab Devin for no reason? I hope they're in for a surprise, with two guys who catch trouts with their bare hands. Other hope: some more of this nice bully-bashing we had in a previous chapter.

OK, I'll stop with the praise to have more in store for future chapters.

I just want to say this is a great story so far and I cant wait to see chapter 8. One of my favorite parts were where you used nature to describe Devins scent. That was incredibly beautiful and very poetic. I wish I could use descriptions like that but I think I got a long road ahead to me. Lol anyway great job!

Thanx Trevor, Conner, Ieshwar, and bondwriter for the replies <3

And sorry for the late response, lawl. Chapter eight is going to come in a bit, sorry -- havent had the time to write lately these days. And I also have to get around reading the recommended fiction here too, LOL. I'm such a lazy bum.

Im glad Ieshwar that you like Devin : D he's not really hard to describe for me because I've had a friend who had similar personality traits as him.

And thanks for the advice bondwriter~ I can definitely see this sense of disbelief and where that is coming from : 3 I'll keep it in mind when I start my next chapter.

Lmao, thanks again for the support! Means a lot to a writer to get feedback.