I guess I grew up in a very understanding and sheltered environment, never having to deal with things like being thrown out for being gay or something like that when I finally told my parents about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve kind of accepted it as a part of me since I was 12 and never had to deal with the huge revelation, which is something that I've heard a lot of people have trouble with. It's never had to be something that I've had to identify as something new really or something that I was different about. I've developed as a person regardless of my sexual preference and in so many other ways than centering around it. So, I’m starting to wonder now if that is why I ended up thinking this way. I tend to be a bit long winded, but this all has a point eventually.

When I was still considering whether or not I was gay, I met another guy at my high school who was clearly acting on the gay stereotype. He pretty much defined everything about him by that one fact, that he was gay. After I finally confirmed in my mind that I liked guys, I started to think if I wanted to be like him. Lately I’ve been thinking about it and realized something. Being gay isn’t all that important to me or something that stands out about me really. Maybe it’s a generational thing or that I haven’t put up with a lot of bullying about it, but I have never been in to the whole “Gay Pride” thing. I mean, I understand how people like who they are, but defining themselves by one particular thing just seems a bit strange to me.

The fact that I am gay is about as important to me right now as the fact that my favorite color is blue. Yes, I hope someday that I’ll start dating guys and want that to be a big part of my life, but that’s just because I’ve always wanted someone to be with, but that’s just because of a slightly dependent personality that I have. If I were straight, I’d want the same kind of relationship with a girl. Being gay didn’t really change anything other than that I drool over guys rather than girls. I recently got over a crush I had on a guy with no similar interests and I didn't attribute it to me being gay. I'm sure if I was straight I would have been obsessed with a girl under the same circumstances. I’m still not the kind of person to flirt or anything like that, using the fact that I’m gay to push it forward. I'm certainly not going to start sleeping around with people just because I'm gay. If I start sleeping around, I'll do it because I want to, not because I think I need to in order to fit in to some pre-conceived niche.

Why is it that people like to identify themselves so readily or solely with being gay? Or is it just something that happens with people who are entering/entered in college, that age group? What's so special about being a 'gay' teen? I've read a good amount of the stuff in this forum and a lot of it could happen whether someone was gay or straight. I wouldn't have joined this place if it was solely a hangout for gay people. It's a place for writers who have a common interest in literature of a certain subject which I enjoy reading about, which I find more of a clinching point than the entire gay thing.

I guess this all sort of came from a conversation with a friend that mostly went around like this:
“Oh, I met this nice guy yesterday.”
“Really?”
“Ya, you would have liked him. He was gay.”
“Oh? So does he like anime or comics?”
“I don’t think so…”
“What about fiction writing?”
“He’s more in to sports.”
“So why would I have liked him?”

I dunno, I just guess I see more to a person than just their sexuality and wonder if that’s uncommon among people in their late teens (16-19). Actually, I kind of don’t care about whether people are gay or not unless it’s a guy who I think is attractive, but that’s not something I like to linger on since it’s mostly due to hormones, the bane of my existence over the last few years. I said I like to ramble, so sorry.

And hopefully I don't alienate myself by putting such a strange topic as my first post here. Any thoughts on the matter?

Lmao, I share your way of thinking =] I think being gay or bi or straight is -- just -- a sexual preference, and who you truly fall in love is... that is what really matters.

Gay is a label I guess, and it's important in this society because people make it important. We don't have to follow that if we're fine with what we are.

No danger of alienating yourself with that post

I'll give a really simple answer to what I perceive as your main question: What you have experienced is the way it is supposed to be. In other words, as you said, it shouldn't matter any more than your favourite colour is blue.

The reason so many gay people get hung up on it is the the same reason that some African Americans get hung up on being black -- because they've experienced things where it has mattered, and they are reacting accordingly.

Even for myself, I know I do it. I've never experienced or seen any real discrimination as a gay guy, but I didn't accept it for a long time and not many people know it. So, for me it is something unusual amount myself and hence I spend time on the subject and take the matter personally. I wouldn't take personally peoples views on other attributes of myself, because I know that they aren't important. I would love to get to the stage that you're at -- where being gay doesn't matter.

Thanks for your great first post and I hope you enjoy it here.

Sexuality is a huge part of life, I think. It's just a big part of who you are. No, it's not YOU, but it is important.

And I understand completely. Too often I get the "Hey, he's queer, you're queer... I bet you could be queer together!" line from those trying to hook me up.

Welcome to the forum, Endless! Great first post by the way.

LOL, okay first let me preface this by saying that coincidentally my favourite colour being blue does have a serious impact on my life. You can't know me for very long (in real life anyway) and not know that my favourite colour is blue. I'd probably have trouble hiding it if for some bizarre reason I wanted to. NO, my favourite colour being blue doesn't completely define me, but it does give me a kind of reference point in much the same way that one's sexuality might.

Anyway, I actually completely agree with your general point that being gay isn't that big a deal (now liking blue IS a big deal, but I digress ). I think that's a really healthy attitude, and you sound really well-adjusted to me. Although, if you do have a dependent personality and you're already aware of that you might consider working on becoming more independent. I've always said "If you can't be on your own, you can't be with anyone else".

I think the whole "being gay is a huge part of my life" thing is something that alot of gays (lesbians most definitely included) get socialized to think. It's still comparatively not that big a deal for me either, but it's definitely a bigger aspect of my life now that I'm deep in the gay community (both on here and in real life). All that really means though is that it's what I'm focusing on given the company I keep. When I used to play spades ALOT, and belonged to a spades community that was a major defining aspect. If you're an ardent baseball player the sport is going to become a central feature in your life, etc.

People naturally adapt to the community/environment that they're in and the features that the group shares become more pronounced. If you don't want to have the whole gay thing be a big deal then great, and that's totally commendable, but I suspect that chances are you'll just replace that for some other "shared experience" in whatever group you do belong to, Anime for example? Or Comics?

Another example is the fact that I play a lot of chess with one of my close friends. We also share similar interest in music. We also both happen to be gay. Actually the fact that we happen to be gay isn't irrelevant. We met through "gay" activities (social not sexual). So we undoubtedly wouldn't have become friends (since we wouldn't have even met) if we hadn't both been gay. However, being gay is pretty irrelevant to our friendship. We share other common interests, attitudes, and activities and we certainly don't focus on, or even often discuss, "gay" things when we hang out. HOWEVER, even just the dynamic of our one on one friendship is often dominated by enduring features, such as our mutual interest in games (others besides chess) and our similar tastes in music. THAT becomes more of a "big deal" in our interaction.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that with the people you connect with you're always going to have a few points that characterize that connection. It's largely up to you what you want those points to be, and I agree that it isn't healthy if all of your connections are based on your sexuality, but just be aware that you can't get away from "relevatively unimportant" aspects of yourself becoming a "big deal" in your behaviour and interaction with other people.

Also, I fully agree with what Graeme said, I just wanted to take a different approach to this question.

Anyway welcome to GA,
Take care and have an awesome day
Kevin

First of all...i'd like to welcome endless to GA forums and congratulate him on this wonderful and thought provoking post.

I've quoted Kevin as i totally agree with him. I think it is the society to blame for this type of stereotyped thinking. What i feel is that, sometimes, some ppl act in such a flamboyant attitude(deliberate acting only) as a rebellion towards the traditional straight ppl. I don't have anything against the naturally effeminate ppl...its not their fault!!

Secondly, its the society which has instilled in ALL of us that being gay/bi is unnatural. Picture this, if it were the other way round, i.e, if being straight was considered wrong by the majority of the ppl, gay wouldn't be taboo. So, its the mindset of the society which has created a mountain out of a mole.

I read a beautiful article once, which said that who are we, as humans, to decide what is natural or unnatural?? That article adeptly questioned the very basis on which we call things natural/unnatural. How do WE know what is nature's way of dealing with things? Did mother nature come n tell us herself that being gay/bi is not her style???

After reading that article, i realized that although being gay is a part of our personality, its not THE defining part. Hence, my mantra is to be yourself...come what may...if you read the quotes i have in my signature, u'll get what i mean..

Just my two cents...LOL

hot_bsk

HEy DUDE!!!!WELL COME TO GA!!! hope u enjoy the stories.....


anyways about ur post


ONLY ONE WORD....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> WELL SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

threre is nothing to say ,, since u said it all
and u know what
u will do just fine in life !!!!!!

with love
SAM!!!!!!!!!!

Let me present myself,

"Hiya, I'm 17. I'm gay. I'm from Mauritius and of Hindu faith. And I also like blue."

Okay, all these things I said none is more important than the other. For me, my sexuality is as important as other things in my life- age, education, preferences, religion... Because, all this makes me what I am. Change one of them and I'll be different.

Sexuality is important but not THAT important. It's like one of the links in a chain. All links make a chain but break one, the chain breaks. And no link is more important than the other.

But unfortunately, not everyone thinks like that. The society is the one which places so much importance on our sexuality- "You're gay so you're a sinner, statanic..." It never thinks about our other qualities. So that's why some of us must hide and some must fight! Why? Coz we're gay! If tomorrow, people start accusing persons who like blue as sinners and satans, then our colour preferences will be considered as more important and Kevin and I will have to fight or flight!

Being gay isn't important but had been made important by the society.

Ieshwar

Amen, Ieshwar.... just what i was thinking...

Yay, I'm joining the welcome wagon!!

And I agree with you on everything you said. Except I like green more.

(I usually try to post things of substance, but I just got back from work, and i need to sllleeeeeep)

lol, great post.

I totally agree, I sometimes feel, that by being so "gay-pridey", that it creates an image for all homosexuals, and creates so many negative sterotypes.
I am as much gay, as my hazel eyes, brown hair, or my favourite colour being orange.
It just seems that's what people think that's what defines me, it's not.
I am ME!

Thank you all very much for your very nice posts and taking time to write them up. I really feel a lot better in the entire subject now. I'm glad I'm not the only one who actually feels that way. I'd reply to all the posts, but I think in the end it would end up being a lot of "You're rights" and blather on how insightful these replies are. ^.^; You guys do really make a ton of good points.

Frist let me also say a late Welcome to GA.

Your post was a very good one and even though it had already had some good points, i'd like to add a little of my own.

Sometimes i wonder why people asume just becuase one is gay he will automaticly go out with the frist other gay guy he meets. I mean i could understand there thinking, there aren't as much of us as others so some people would go out with the frist one they find.

But to me nothing about me changed, even before i knew i was gay, i never dated the frist girl or guy, who asked me out. So why would it be any different now?

My point is simple, no matter who or what you are, you will always be you. And you should never change that, becuase being yourself is one of a kind, and that is a very hard thing to find these days.

-LC

You'll find lots of other threads on GA in this forum and the Lounge all chewing on this subject until it's been masticated to shreds, then picked it up from a slightly different point of view and chewing on it again. And again. And again. I think that it's the nature of gays and lesbians and transgendered to do this because we are different than the majority of other people in one significant way, our sexual preference. So we ponder it, and question it, and worry it, and talk about it, and talk about it some more.

It's easy to see how overwhelmingly important our sexual preference is when we go out trying to find someone to date, or to have as a life partner. We've immediately had to strike the vast majority of people off our "possibly" list. But which people can stay on the list? How do we find them? How do we recognize them? We also have a lot of people, many of whom have a bully pulpit, who hate us for our sexual preferences. So we elevate sexual preference up our list, until maybe it becomes numero uno, and even we lose sight of who we really are.

I agree with what you wrote. I feel that I'm a normal guy who just happens to love another guy. So what? That shouldn't be taken as the only important thing that defines me. In my opinion, there are many more important things about me. I'm nice, I'm kind, I like people, I have great parents, I have two great little sisters, My boyfriend and I are in love, I like to laugh, I like to make others laugh, I'm a good student, I'm into computers, I love to go hiking and backpacking, I love to swim, I like to play tennis, I love reading, I love to write... you get the idea. You have your own list of things and sexual preference is somewhere on your list. But for neither of us is our sexual preference, our sexual orientation, whatever you want to call it, the only thing that defines us.

It's a little frustrating that we can't all live our lives the way we want, and not have to worry about being pigeon-holed to fit someone else's perception of who they think we are when they're doing that based on our sexual preferences. I guess we just have to get over it, not worry about it, and move on with our lives.

Forums like GA help, because there are a lot who are questioning, who need to know they aren't alone, who can use some reassurance that they are OK, who might be in a difficult situation if others learned about their sexual preference. This kind of discussion will continue on GA and similar forums. What we can do, you and I and others here on GA, is help those who are questioning and need that reassurance. And part of the reassurance we can provide is that each of us is defined by a whole long list of things, and our sexual preference is only one of those things and doesn't need to be the most important one, either.


Colin

I think that being a 'gay teen' is special in the same way being a goth is special. Or a Skater. Or a Ned. Or a Mosher or whatever else. People going into high school definetaly seem to me to be unable to manage a lot of the time without choosing some sort of label. I never actually ever really chose a 'label' in the first few years of high school... and I think its probably because I didn't have a 'label' that I never really fit in with anyone. I just sort of... drifted from one group to another.

Anyway, basically I think its the whole 'label' thing that makes people identify themselves by one single aspect. The fact that 'gay teen' is a rare label means they can really show off the fact that they can be recognised for it, just like a kid with a Shiny Pokemon card or something


As for if being gay really matters... I don't think so. I couldn't really care less what people are for things like being gay, straight, chinese, whatever. Still, maybe thats just me.


Martin

Being gay isn't important...and yet it is. (Huh?!)

You're right, being gay isn't (and shouldn't be) any more important than anything else about you or me.

But it is one of the important things about us. ...Much like the things you like and believe, and who you consider your friends and loved ones. You tell your friends the things you like and believe. At some point, that you're gay is one important facet of who you are, among the others.

Also, hey, that I like guys instead of girls (in the romantic and sexual senses) is a pretty big thing. It's big to me, because for years I couldn't admit it to anybody else, and could hardly admit it to myself. Our feelings, straight or gay or in-between or otherwise, matter a lot to us and to the people who care about us. (No wonder, then, that people get up in arms over it. Who you love is important, after all.)

Am I trying to say it's the be-all and end-all of who you or I am as a person? Heck, no. If that's the case, then we need to take a step back, thwack our foreheads with our palms and say, "Why am I too focused on my gayness/straightness/whatever-ness?"

I think the reason gay people sometimes focus on it too much is threefold:

1. Other people make it a big deal, so it becomes a sore spot for us.
2. Some of us have trouble coming out to ourselves or others, so it becomes a sore spot for us.
3. Um, how about loneliness without someone else, or being so eager that they jump at the chance with whoever? Those are two extremes of the same thing: wanting to find someone special to go through life with. -- And because there are somewhat fewer chances to find (a) a gay person who is ( a good match, again, it becomes a sore spot for us.

So the solution is for us not to make it a big deal, not to pay undue attention to other people's baloney, or our own baloney, and not to get ourselves more worked up than we should about finding Mr. or Ms. Right...but to keep looking, 'cause we wouldn't wanna miss 'em.

Well, I hope my two cents made sense.

Hi Adblue ,
you are so right , who you are is important to your loved ones .I think they have a right to make you happy and vise versa, how else would friends and loved ones be able to give you happiness if they don't know who you are. Being gay is a significant aspect of someone personality and in a perfect world it would be accepted as any other trait .Btw I love Red best .
ixyam

I understand exactly what you all mean. It's like when it comes to straight people they have to have alot in common such as food clothes movies etc and they have to get along and this and that and this and that but alot of people think that just because two guys are gay that they can be together for that reason only. That theory is incorrect in many ways. Lets say a straight friend tells a gay friend to be with some guy cause hes gay okay? So the two guys get together and go on a date to the movies. Now lets say one likes comedy movies and one likes horror and when they get there one wants to see one thing and the other wants to see something else. Whats that gonna result in? A fight and a terrible date probably feelings hurt and BAM! over. So that proves right there that gay people cant just be with other gay people because they have the same sexuality. They have to have alot more in common aswell.

Hey! Welcome to GA!

I am totally on your side and in most ways, the same. Ever since I came to the realization that I was gay and wanted to come out to some of my friends, I've always imagined myself saying, "I'm still the same Ron, it just happens that now you know I like guys. I liked guys before, you just didn't know it, so how does that change anything between us?" And this was put into context perfectly by one of the guys I saw on Boy Meets Boy (okay, I know that show is like 3 years old but I just got a chance to watch the first season so back off ) but in one of the final interviews, this guy said that it was like a big relevation when they found out some of the guys were straight, but then he's like, and in the end, what has changed? Just their sexuality, they're the same person as before.

I also think that a good example of the point that sexual preference is just like any other trait of a person is the quote that I have in my signature. I'll post it now in case someone comes back to this in the future and I have a different one:



And for gay pride, I really don't see myself getting all involved in the rainbow crap either. The only thing that I would ever buy that's gay pride apparel is this tie, but only because that looks so hot . That is only if I can ever find one exactly like it...I can only find a horizontal stripes one as of now. And if I ever found myself marching in a gay pride parade, I'd be dressed in every day clothes...I would not let myself surrender to stereotypes and dress in drag or make up or other utterly flamboyant clothes. I guess I might also wear that tie if I can find it . But yeah, great post and I totally relate.

Xander