The first chapter of Everybody's Wounded from new author, Duncan Ryder, is up. I highly recommend this story, it's extremely well written. Check it out and let Duncan know what you think.

Sharon

It's excellent! I won't give away any spoilers this early in the thread , but it's a heart string puller!

Well done, Duncan!

Like Sharon and CJ, I recommend anyone looking for a well written story that'll tug at the ol' heart strings to check out this story. Besides, having two hockey playing characters has a special attaction to a Canadian boy like me!

Great! Now that we're heavy into the thread, I can leave spoilers.

There's really something to be said for a story that gets the sad stuff out of the way first. Nothing but rainbows from here on in. Right?

Great chapter. I found it an easy read, meaning it flowed well and had a nice pace. Excellent dialogue. I always appreciate good dialogue.

The story (so far) takes place in Canada!

Definitely looking forward to the next chapter.

Conner

I was all excited to read such a highly recommended story, but as soon as I started, I realized that I already read this at Nifty (I just didn't recognize the title) .

I really enjoyed it at the time and enjoyed reading it again.

For those of you who haven't read it yet, it's a good one!

Take Care®,

Vic

Chapters 2 through 5 are now posted. So...what are you hanging around here for??? Go read... Then come back...

Sharon

Hey I just wanted to say that so far the story is great but I have one tiny problem with it. The first chapter kind of made me want to turn away from the story because I mean the guys are breaking up I mean Scottie stayed faithful to David while David cheated and there going to go off and have sex? I just think that kind of ruined an emotional and sad moment plus by doing that and reading thedialogue from David it kind of made me feel like the relationship was fake and I just didnt really get emotionally involved with the characters like I like too but the rest of the story was wonderful! We all make mistakes and no ones perfect but I hope you'll take my post as constructive critisizm as thats what it's ment to be and I hope maybe it helps you to better develope emotional scenes in the future anyway besides that little point the rest is great!

I've now posted up to chapter 8. Since that's where I am in the story, it'll be a while before 9!

Please do take the time to comment; this is my first attempt at writing a story with a gay theme, and I know I have a lot to learn about the genre. I'm really enjoying writing this story...

Thanks to those who have commented so far.

Yes, these chapters are posted on Nifty (which is where Sharon saw them and invited me to post here, so here I am!! Thanks Sharon.) I have, however, edited them a bit, mostly in subtle ways, but important to me.


Trevor,
Thanks for the comment. I actually struggled with whether or not to include the goodbye sex and it was deleted and undeleted several times... so it's interesting to hear from someone for whom it doesn't work... I have to think about it. I wanted to start the story, as a creative writing prof of mine used to beat into our heads, at the point at which everything is different, where nothing will ever be the same again, and for me that was kind of the point. And I think the kind of guy David is would do that...though maybe it's not quite true to Scott...maybe Scott should have stopped him.... Can you do that when your heart is breaking? Hmmm. I need to think about it some more. But thanks.



Duncan.

I am so glad you didnt get offended! I was kind of nervous when I posted it that you would but I'm never the type of person to try and offend or insult anyone but I do believe in honesty and thats just my oppinion. I would think if they were truely in love and it was falling apart and breaking right before them that they would have something on their minds besides sex and really scott was hurting from what I read and just simply didnt have the will to stop David though if I were to try that in my story I'd definetly have the main guy fight it off but thats just me and I write willfull and stubborn characters. As for David your right that he could be that way as chapter 1 never went into full detail with him but honestly I think it gave off the impression atleast to me that he was only in it for the sex seeing as he couldnt stay faithful to Scott. I like Scott though I think he had true love for David as he did remain faithful to him and though he didnt stop him he could have always been in a state of shock which is what I figure it to be and every person is different so dont feel to bad about it but just be careful as you dont want to play your main character off as a sex craving non caring person ofcourse I need to practice what I preach as my current story "Last Chance" I've wrote chapters 3 through 5 and my main character is comming out like a stalker but I'm still new at this to and we all made mistakes. Keep it up though your doing great!

You do raise a thought provoking point, Trevor. Given the early development in chap 1, I, too, was surprised that Scott allowed David to have sex with him. I do not get "goodbye sex". It wouldn't have been my reaction. I'm more into wounding and maiming in such situations. I can say, however, that I never considered Scott to be uncaring or sex-craved for allowing David to do so.

I've also had the opportunity of having read Chapter 2 prior to this post. That chapter helped me considerably in sorting out Scott's and David's relationship.

Long distance relationships suck. It definitely seemed that Scott had the will and endurance to make it work. David did not. Obviously, he recgnized that long before the Thanksgiving break. His explanation to Scott was honest and sincere.



So, yeah, I'm going to let David off the hook.

Conner

I, too, have been following the story on Nifty. Thanks to Sharon for offering the invite. Duncan's a gifted writer and these responses will perhaps encourage him to continue with more stories in the future. I look forward to Chapter Nine and how the protagonist handles this impromptu relationship triangle.

I've known "David" characters and begrudgingly understood his mind-set of needing to be satisfied - emotionally and sexually - with an available companion. I salute Scott for his basic integrity...but also acknowledge he carries the baggage of being an 18 year old male.

Duncan, Welcome to GA!

Jack

That's from chap 3, guys. I'm still laughing. Thanks, Duncan.

Conner

I've been thinking about this whole goodye sex thing, and I think I need to rework that scene a bit. I'm thinking it's not so much about the goodbye sex (which I do get in the context of the scene...) but rather about the DAvid's cheating on Scott, and what that means.

I think I've been doing an injustice to David here, and that could affect how the reader sees him. I need the reader to see David if not as a sympathetic character, at least as not a negative character, because throughout the story one of Scott's important points of reference to understand what he's going through will be what he learned loving David...



Conner got what I meant...that you can take what David said at face value. You can also take what Scott says about David -- how sweet and loving he is -- at face value. What I want to get across (and clearly I'm not, so I need to rework it) is that David really does love Scott. That's not why he's breaking up with him. He's breaking up with him because he's very needy, and just strong enough to recognize that about himself... he needs to be in a loving supportive relationship on a day to day basis. And it's not primarily about sex. It's a lot more about emotional support. And to a certain extent protection (I mean, David is a small, slight, effeminate 17 year old; high school is NOT a good place for him.)

I'm wondering if the problem is not the goodbye sex per se, but rather the fact that he's been with someone else for the last three weeks... and the assumption that that means sex, and cheating on Scott.

So here's the question. Does it help if I let the reader know that, while David has decided he needs to be with Alex, he hasn't actually cheated on Scott -- he's been waiting to break off with Scott in person before first???

Yes

Sharon

For me, very much a YES. That was my big objection; I take a very cold view of cheaters.

I say no, it doesn't help me. Cheating, like many of life's pitfalls, often comes in shades of gray. I feel the cheating part is more consistent with David's character. He knew he had to let go of Scott for his own survival. He also knew he would have to face Scott directly and tell him. He owed Scott that much. That he loves Scott is very clear. He wasn't rejecting Scott, he was saving himself.

Scott's pain is over his loss of David, his lover. I believe he sees David's betratal as only incidental. He may even blame David's betrayal on himself, in the sense that he left David in a very vulnerable place, he should have know David wouldn't be able to handle it the way he could.

If you change it, though, that's ok too!

Conner

Well cheating is a terrible thing but thats not exactly what made me look down on David. I mean they were really and deeply in love right? I just feel that as deeply in love as they were portrayed to be that when it was falling apart that sex would be the last thing from their minds I mean I just think they should be hurt rather then horny it just gives off that feel of a drama/porno if you understand where I'm comming from. I just honestly think that Scott would have atleast fought for David and try to make things work out or they would talk something along those lines. I know if my boyfriend broke up with me it sure wouldnt make me horny but ofcourse everyones different

Thanks Trevor.

You've given me the best reason to make the change. if it's giving any kind of feel of drama/porno, then it's the wrong direction. And from an editing point of view, that's a very easy fix, because I can do sad without doing sex...

Yes they were deeply in love...but there are lots of hints (I think) that David's been pulling away since Scott left. Scott just didn't want to see it. And he knows there's no point fighing for David because he's won't be there to fight and more than anything else what David needs for Scott to be there and that's the one thing Scott can't be. And he knows David well enough to recognize the fundamental truth David is telling him -- that at this point in his life, he can't do alone. So really, there could never be a battle, it was already lost. (And if Scott were still there, there would never be a battle because David would never have turned to anyone else. He wouldn't have needed to.)

(And while I think you can be hurt and horny, that's not really the point. The goodbye sex wasn't supposed to be about horny... It was supposed to be a sort of loving expression of a very sad goodbye...)

It's very easy to edit out a few lines of sex...

Duncan

Connor, I agree with absolutely everything...except cheating being more consistent with David's character. He's very needy, and a bit of a drama queen, but if I've given the impression that he would cheat and cheat easily, then I've definitely done him a disservice. David definitley has the capacity to make someone a totally loyal partner -- as long as that person was there with him. (Told you I was protective of the boy!!!)

Some people, probably most people, can't do the long distance thing. FOr someone like David, it's impossible.

Duncan

To the fissure of long distance, I can attest... it is very very difficult. Some more than others suffer when the distance is simply a matter of time. Not to delve too deeply into personal truths, but as a ex-navy boy, I lost my wife to such a scenario. The distance was not away indefinitely, but away concretly. Six months to be exact, and at a time in our marriage that I should not have been gone. There is little I can do to change that mad train of events, nor at this point do I have a desire to do so.

Why ramble about this? The night I got home, we had some of the best sex in our relationship, before she told me of course that there was someone else. The first words out of her mouth, "you've really improved... How many women did you sleep with while you were gone?"

I was a little taken aback, and even tried to explain the wonders of reading books... but later it made sense. In psychology the term is "projection." She was looking for an excuse to have that consistancy of a partner that I could not be.

So to see David as cheating? That's hard to do at all. Should he have called our hero at least? Yes. Was the goodbye sex out of place? not entirely. I've had goodbye sex since then (gawd I'm a sucker for Louisian-accented cowboys who wear kilts. )

Could Scott have stopped David? Should Scott have stopped David? Only Scott knows, and I would guess, just as it does in my life, he'll be asking himself about that for a very, very long time. Even feeling regretful at points, and justified at others until he comes to level with his emotional state about David. Which will probably require a strong relationship with someone else to finally tip the scales.

Just my 2cents.
Bob

Chapter 9 is up. I'm really liking Bran...smart guy.

Sharon

Superb job on chapter 9, Duncan!

Yes, I think Bran could start a "Dear Ann Landers" type column and make a real go of it. To his credit as well, he also "walks the talk". Unfortunately, he's an endangered species.

So, based on that chapter, Scott's direction seems clear, if not to him, then to the readers. Have a relationship with Josh and be Luc's friend. Something tells me, though, that being Luc's friend can only end up in grief, for a multitude of reasons.

We all know, of course, that when things seem clear to the readers, the author's going to step in and mess things up again. Authors can't help themselves.

Conner

"Everybody's Wounded" is an excellent story. If you haven't read chapter 9 yet, you'd better stop reading this post because I'm including some spoilers.

Chapter 9 has Brandon making Scott think about what he really wants, and whether that's Josh or Luc. Then Luc calls and wants to go to dinner with Scott. That will really make chapter 10 interesting! Poor Scott.

sungod

It's not like its our faults you don't know the whole story yet... that's part of telling it... and that's why it may seem confusing, kinda like Luc, eh?

Bob

The story has been great so far! Big thanks to Duncan for bringing it over to GA and thanks also to Sharon for urging him to do so.

I'm torn over who I want Scott to end up with... Josh is a great guy, but I have a feeling he isnt free of his own issues as well. I could be way off base but he gaurds his actions too carefully for an interesting backstory not to be present.

Luc, Luc is just adorable probably because of his accent which becomes more prominant as he gets nervous or scared.

Very much looking forward to chapter 10

Steve

[quote name='shadowgod' date='August 19 2007, 12:17 AM' post='85563']

I'm torn over who I want Scott to end up with... Josh is a great guy, but I have a feeling he isnt free of his own issues as well. I could be way off base but he gaurds his actions too carefully for an interesting backstory not to be present.

Now don't get ahead of me!

(But remember the title. EVERYBODY's Wounded...)

Duncan

Heh heh heh.

Duncan.

Chapter 10 is up. Good one, too.

Sharon

Omg... Is Duncan taking instructions from Cj on cliffhanger endings? I mean... wow... I'm worried about Josh looking up...

Bob

Impatiently waiting for Chapter 11!

Bob, all authors are sadists. That would include you, by the way. They all start out very well intentioned. They all hope to entertain their readers, to please them, and then bask in the glory of their all consuming adoration. So, they set the stage with good character and plot development. Then WHAMO!! Right between the eyes. If their target is not the eyes, they do open heart surgery....without anaesthetic....they remove the heart from the chest cavity...and begin to tap dance all over it....then they call 911.....and the reader spends the rest of the story in ICU...the really successful authors are the ones who can bring about recovery before the story...or the reader...expires. Frankly, the cliffhanger is a very effective tool for any author, but particulary for authors who write serial stories. In fact, that's how great authors like Mark Twain and Charles Dickens made their living....and sold a lot of newspapers in the process.

Then there's the flip side of that coin. If authors are sadists, then that makes readers masochists. When it comes to romantic stories, I'm one of the lead masochists.

Anyway, I just felt a need to rant there a bit. I'm done.

It is most definitely Josh who's looking up. Tap dancing, remember? Oops.

My take on it is Scott is setting himself up for another heart-breaking experience. Luc is just such a wild card. It seems Josh has two options: become more assertive and fight for Scott; or stay close to Scott as a friend until something definitive happens. I prefer the former, but it's likely the latter. I suppose he could join the French Foreign Legion.

Conner

I absolutely hate it when I post and then nothing. What did I say???

I'm depressed.

T S Conner
(Thread Stopper)

............hearing crickets?? I didn't read this one yet

I'm afraid to say anything. I don't want to give away the plot...I don't anybody dropping off the cliff safely onto a feather bed...

Josh has more options.

Luc however...

Nope.

Wait for it!

Feather bed, eh???

I wasn't whining at you. There are many members reading this story and they all went south or something.

Giving away the plot is never a good idea for a serial author. Yes, I know you already knew that.

Hmmmm Josh has other options. Let me ponder that for a bit.

Conner

Conner... I don't think he's in to Besitiality or Weregoats.... hmmm weregoats... I'll put that in another forum...

Bob

Chapter 11 is up. Go read...but come back.

Sharon

That was a sweet sweet chapter. A little short on dialogue, though.

I thought that once Scott got by his "misgivings", he would totally ravage the lad. He showed excellent restraint. Now, of course, he's totally confused. It sure beats getting dumped......I think.

One day, Duncan, you'll have to explain to me why you have a straight dude giving relationship advice. I'll have to wait till the next chapter to hear what wisdom Bran has to offer. It's not like Scott gave him a whole lot of information. Well, at least they're doing it over a beer...so that works.

Conner

Edit: for those wondering what that French expression (feelings one has after making love) it's "le petit mort" literally translated as the little death, but idiomatic expressions seldom translate well.

Why not a straight guy giving relationship advice? Scott and Bran have so much in common...

Re "le petit mort"... that's not the phrase I can't remember... (I've only heard that used to refer to orgasm...specifically the kind of mind blowing orgasm where you kind of lose consciousness...)

The phrase I can't remember refers to post coital depression... The French equivalent for the latin phrase "post coitum omne animalium triste est." (After sex, every animal is sad.) (which always makes me wonder ... who asked the giraffes????)

No wonder I keep hearing the words, "Use the force, Conner. Use the force."

Why don't you asked Sharon for her views on the relationship skills of straight men?

Thanks for that, Connor. I know that phrase, but as I say I've never heard it used that way. If you come across another phrase for it, let me know, because it's driving me nuts! I know whatever it was I heard it in a French Lit class... I remember the prof making some disparaging remark about how the English would use the "much more prosaic post coital depression"....

As for the relationship skills of straight men, what can I say? I've never found gay guys to have a monopoly on good advice...or for that matter, straight guys to have a monopoly on bad. I've had both ... from both....

As just this past week, the 4th to be exact, I marked my 24th anniversary without any acknowledgment from my husband other than his usual 'What's for dinner?', I'd have to say, right at this moment, that the relationship skills of straight men suck eggs.

Sharon

Hey, could be worse, could be "Hey, you're still here?"

Bob

PS. As a side note, don't anyone take relationship advice from someone who can't hold a relationship...

Chapter 12 is up...

How come it doesn't take authors long to figure out the use of the nasty cliffhanger.

Go read, then come back.

Sharon

So, the title of your story, Everyone's Wounded, does that apply to your readers too? I'm feeling so crappy over Josh's situation. I'm suggesting that you amend the title to read: Everyone's Wounded...Or Soon Will Be.

That was a superb chapter, cliffhanger and all.

I particularly enjoyed the beer-induced, intimate conversation between Brandon and Scott. Excellent dialogue. I really must send kudos in Bran's direction. He is doing his utmost, alcohol driven or not, to help Scott get some clarity around Josh and Luc. That's gotta be tough for any straight dude.

The closing scene of that converstion where Scott thinks back to his love making with Josh....well, that was just beautifully done. I was crying along with Scott.

Then there was the closing scene for that chapter...what can I say...so heart wrenching.

Conner

Merci.

And see? I told ya -- Bran's pretty smart for a straight guy...

I... I... I can only say one thing...

Cj's poll on most evilist Cliffhanger will very quickly need amending to add Everybodys Wounded Chapter 12... cuz, well... it's EVIL!

Bob D.

For some reason, the story is not accessible today. The story links generate a "not found" error. Going to eFiction and searching for the story and clicking on it generates a "Because of sexual content you have to be registered" (which I am) error, and logging in shows the same "You have to be registered" error. I tried to register and gave up after about a dozen tries, every one resulting in a "security code doesn't match" error. Arrrrggghhh!

I'll also report this in Administration Communication.

Colin

I fixed the link in my post about Chapter 12.

Sharon

Chapter 13 is up...go read, then come back.

Sharon

WOW! That was an immensely powerful chapter!

The Joshua Series concept was ingenious. Beautifully portrayed and written. Incredible emotion.

That's the second time this past week that a GA author has knocked me on my ass.

Conner