This deals with two subthemes intertwined together. First, how a partner's love could have a deep impact on a gay's 'coming out' & relationship with his parents & extended family. And second how difficult it is to deal with the grief of the loss of one's partner. Deeply moving!!!


Jerry Albrent, a gay man writes:
The Beginning After The End...

Today I leave Wisconsin and return to my home in Colorado. I am a new
person. I am free and I am me for the first time in my life. Three
months ago I was plunged into the greatest pain and grief I had ever
known. Today I am soaring with the clouds. Not because I am in this
airplane but because I have experienced so much love in the past few
days.

I wish Dave, my partner, could be sitting right here next to me
sharing this moment because he is part of the reason I am having this
experience.

Dave was killed in an auto accident on May 15, only 3 and a half
months ago. I loved Dave more than anyone and more than anything and
his death was a shock and a pain I shall never forget. As a gay man I
was not out to 'anyone' in my life and I was struck with the sudden
realization that I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one
to help me with the pain and loss. The grief was devastating and I
felt so very much alone.

I reached out to my community but there was nothing to be found
easily. No grief group for gay men, no hotline - just an answering
machine. I couldn't work and I couldn't eat. And sleep (when it
finally came) was the only relief from the tears.

I got through the funeral with the help of Dave's family and friends
and the ever present support of his wonderful cousin. I reached out
on the internet and have met some extraordinary people who could
share my pain and who stood by me even though we never met.

One old friend bonded with me in this time of grief and together we
have supported our local telephone companies to the tune of hundred's
of dollars. During the first weeks after Dave's death she saved my
life a little each day.

With no one in town to talk to I stumbled to the library and read a
few books. The books told me I was not crazy and assured me that the
pain today would be different tomorrow. There was light further down
the road they said, but the road would be rocky. Yes, the road is
rocky.

I scanned the local database and found one small entry which spoke of
a grief group at a local hospital. I met the chaplain and the group
began a few weeks later (on Dave's birthday). This little group
(usually the chaplain, the social worker, and me) saved my life a
little bit more. They were great.

I drove to various offices to seek help and I got referrals. Some
referrals were no longer valid and other referrals produced only
answering machines or people who were just going on vacation. A
wonderful woman at a local university reached out to me with her
heart and helped me find more help, a few more potential contacts.
And one of these contacts lead to another person who has helped me
even more.

Step by slow step, day by long day I continued to reach out to search
for support. And person by person, little by little I found more of
what I needed. Yet for all the love and support I was able to find
there were still missing parts.

I was still a gay man who was just beginning to be out to himself. I
was still a man in grief who had no family around to support him. I
still lived in confusion and fear. Confusion about who I was and fear
over what I was finding - would I lose my job, would I ever love
again, would my family turn their backs if they ever found out about
the real me.

Among the many things David gave me was a strong sense of what it was
like to love and be loved. What it felt like to be genuinely happy.
And what it sounded like when the walls I had built around my life
and my heart came tumbling down brick by brick.

I can't go back into the closet. Dave would want me to be happy and I
want to be happy. Therefore, I made the decision that I needed to
begin sharing my life with my family. I want them to know me fully
and I don't want to lie any longer. And I need their support and love
now more than ever.

With the support of my older sister (who I came out to two months ago-
another fantastic story) I orchestrated a family meeting for when I
would next be in Wisconsin. Rumors were flying but I kept my secret
(all the while assuring my parents and siblings that I wasn't dying
and I hadn't won the lottery).

The meeting began. My parents and most of my other immediate family
were there. They waited for me to start. How can I put into words the
feelings in the room. It is impossible. How can I share and do
justice to the depth and the quality of each smile, each tear. All I
can say is that the room was filled with 100% unconditional
acceptance and 200% love.

As I told my story and shared my life for the first time with my
parents, siblings and their spouses not a word was spoken until I
finished. Each and everyone honored me with their silent and soft
gaze. No one made light of my words or attempted to push away their
feelings by drawing attention to themselves or other topics. They
opened their hearts and allowed their son and brother to gently walk
back into their lives.

The fact that I was gay was no surprise to many and was not a problem
for anyone. They cried with me over my loss, they smiled with me over
the many stories I shared. And as they looked at my pictures of Dave
they mourned over their loss at never having met this wonderful man.

Each and every person - mother, father, brother, sister, brother-in-
law, sister-in-law - held me and told me they loved me. They cried
with me as we squeezed each other tight. They whispered words of love
and support and they spoke from their hearts.

I was their brother, I was their son, I was important and nothing has
changed about how they felt about me. The information of my being gay
was only important because they were happy I had finally come to
terms with a part of my life that I was able to share with them.

Hours went by and as I went from couple to couple to say goodbye we
held each other, we cried, we laughed. Things were said which will
forever glow in my heart. Beautiful things about me and about Dave.
Invitations were made for me to come to their homes to visit and some
reminded me that they were still planning to come and visit me.

The only thing which has changed in my family is that we are now
closer to one another than before. We have shared thoughts and
feelings which all too often go unsaid.

I have always loved my family and valued the qualities which made my
parents and each of my 7 brothers and sisters unique. But until this
weekend I never really knew how blessed I was.

And the joy did not stop there. As I hugged and kissed my parents my
dad reminded me that they loved me and that should things get rough
in my life or if I needed a place to stay I was always welcome to
come and live with them. And my mother said that some day I would
meet a man as wonderful as Dave and that when that happened I should
know that we were always welcome in their home.

The day before and later that same day I met with my sister's
children and their spouses. Again the whole experience from beginning
to end was deeply moving and beautiful. Their love and respect for me
was unshaken. (So much for that fear too). Even though they are so
very young they spoke such wisdom. They shared thoughts and feelings
that welled from their hearts. As with the first group, nothing was
contrived or said out of obligation or out of a need to appear
polite. Their smiles, their tears, their hugs, their words were
unmistakably saying - you are our uncle Jerry, we have always loved
you and we always will. I was touched beyond words.

I miss my Dave and I will process this grief for a very long time.
Yet I must also thank him for impacting my life as he has. He played
a vital role in hastening the emergence of the man I am today. The
man I am proud to be. Beginning today, I am out to myself and I am
out to my family. I look forward to the future.

The Beginning... .....

August 27, 1995 --Jerry Albrent



The BeaStKid

OH wow! That was so sweat and beautiful!