Hi everyone, if you don't know me I'm new here. I just wanted to know how you all managed to come out to your parents if you have. I love my parents, but they are the most conservative people on earth, at least my father is anyway. A few weeks ago when for some reason the topic of homosexuals came up "I said i don't really care they can do what they want." Where as my dad responded "Burn them at the stake." I hope to God he was being sarcastic, but I some how don't think he was. Yeah that comment made me feel really good inside. I mean how can I come out to someone that thinks that?! Does anyone else in here have extremly conservative families. On the upside I have managed to come out to a few of my friends and my best friend. (I also seem to have no problem coming out to strangers because I don't know them as well I guess) For the last year I've been trying to come out to someone new every few months, this month will be the hardest but I think it will make me a happier person. For fall break I'm going to Colorado with my best friend and his family. I'm going to come out to my best friend's mother who is like my second mother, she's known my parents and me forever (but is also a liberal open minded person) the only fear I have is that it might make it hard for her being such good friends with my family. But I also don't think she would betray my trust and out me though. Anyways what does everyone think about my plans. I know I have to come out to my parents sometime, but just don't think it will be at least until a few years from now when I'm in college, and then I don't know if they will love me for who I am. What would you do? What have your experiances been? Anyways thanks, and thanks in advance for your comments.

.....Sorry to hear your Dads view, let us know how it worked out if you decide to come out to your best friends Mom, she sounds like a good bet to be ok with it!

Hi "jour de pluie"
My answer comes from my experiences as bi myself and parent of gay and bi children. But be careful, you have to learn from your own experiences and not from advises of other people .
1. Don't hurry. You wrote "I have to come out to my parents sometime". Have you really ? I didnt. I left home at 18 and didn't come out to my parents, but I know it's easier when you are bi .
2. When you grow older, you will understand that the most important is not what your parents think of you, but what You think of yourself. You must first accept to be what you are, and second to be proud of it. Parent's love is important but less than "self-love". I mean acceptance of your feelings, acceptance of your future as a gay man, expectation to meet once another soul to bond with.
Its a long way, with dark and light moments. You need to be strong. Maybe GA and its forums could help.
Take care and tell us how it worked out .
Good luck, maybe your "rainyday" will become "sunnyday" .
Old bob

This is very true advice, and one that I would echo. As my signature says, "I need no warrant for existence, no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction."

My brother walked in on me with a guy, that is how I was outed to my parents. It was a painful experience, and one that changed who I am as a person, for better and for worse. If you know your parents might react negatively (I ended up leaving home at 15 because of it) then you need to be prepared to accept the fact that love is not always unconditional. If you can't accept the possibility of a negative outcome, then don't do it. Nothing is worse than craving love you know you won't get.

The cliche that seems to be our mantra 'It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not' is a somewhat naive sentiment. It is not better to be hated by your parents when you are living under their roof. I agree with you that you will, at some point, have to come out but waiting until you no longer live with them might be a wise idea.

I'm sure I haven't given you the cheerful advice you might have liked, but it is my true opinion. You must be completely comfortable with yourself and have fully accepted the fact that the worst might happen before you come out to people whom you fear will react negatively.

Menzo

I came out to me parents by, uh... Accident?

They found a journal I had been writing, which included all sorts of information on who I liked (all guys) and things like that, including other gay kids I knew.

The worst part about it was that I was away on a trip when it happened, so my parents got to stew for almost a week. Then I came to home to all sorty of fun!

After lots of crying, and things like that, we reached somewhat of a silent understanding. My father took it a lot better than my mother did. (Which is kind of surprising, because he's a card-carrying Republician, and all sorts of conservative.)

After that initial confrontation (almost three years ago) we haven't really talked about it since. I still get along great with my parents, who love me very much. I just won't be bringing a boy home anytime soon (Not that i wouldn't WANT to, I've just got no one... lol)

My father hasn't mentioned it, which is really nice. My mother says things like "You should marry that girl", which while irritating, doensn't really bother or harm me all that much.

Did they have a bad reaction? Initially. Was I surprised? Not at all. I think all parents, who want what's best for their children, take it as a little bit of a shock. How they get over it is what really matters.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Hey dude,

Well, I came out to my mom shortly after joining GA. We've always had a good relationship, but I moved out when I was 18 to go to college, so it was, if I recall correctly, when I was 22 (maybe 21 *shrug*) and I'd already been completely out of the house and independent for 3 or 4 years. Furthermore she was visiting and staying with me for Thanksgiving (although the general perception is that it's a bad idea to do it around a holiday, but I broke this rule) so I figured since it was "my turf", and absolute worse case scenario all she could do was get her things together and go home (which I was pretty certain wouldn't happen anyway), I figured I'd tell her.

It went pretty well. I mean the coming out itself went great, could practically have been a cheesy movie but apart from that discussion and a few others it's not something we've really hashed out very much. We live very far from each other and only see one another like two or three times a year, and speak on the phone maybe twice a week, so I guess on my part it's just not something I typically want to interject into the conversation. She's probably just not comfortable with bring it up. I told her to come to me if she ever wants to discuss it or has any questions, and of course I mean it, but I suppose it's one of those things someone isn't really very likely to do.

Anyway, it really hasn't been "relevant" to our relationship since I told her. I mean I've had several dates and things, but I've never been serious about a guy so it's not like I could have said, "I'm seeing someone now" and continued the conversation from there. I've chatted about several of my friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends with her (not in a gossipy way, just like "I was hanging out with Bobby and his boyfriend the other night and..." etc. ), but like I said, it's still not something we discuss that much *shrug*



I'm so sorry


Well that's really awesome! I'm proud of you!

Good luck! It sounds like it's going to go well and I bet that could really help make things more comfortable for you!


Just remember, your coming out is about you. It's like birthdays, weddings, and funerals. Make them as nice as possible for the other people involved and definitely take their feelings into consideration, but in the end it's about you and no one else. Remember that also when you're faced with someone else's birthday, funeral, wedding, or coming out.

I think they're really great and I'm proud of you and wish you the best of luck!

Personally, I think that's a really good idea. Menzo is completely right, and as I hinted about in my story above, I think it's really important to be independent and in a good place in your life when you do it (and I was almost certain everything would be fine in my case, but I still wouldn't have dreamed of doing it prior to having moved out).

Also, listen to Old Bob, make sure that your own feelings and confidence are in the right place first

Good luck and take care!
-Kevin

Ya... I need help on this part of coming out too....

Ok, my friends and I one day last year made a list of things you should and should not do when coming out to your parents. Some of the things are funny, but most of them are from actual experiences, so that's why I'm including them.

1. Try to avoid coming out on a major holiday/family get together. While it may sound like a good idea at the time, due to all the giving sprits and stuff, dropping the G-Bomb on your parents before they open their Christmas presents is not a good idea. The emotions (whether good or bad) will overshadow the holiday. And, you really don't need to be reminded EVERY YEAR on Thanksgiving that you made your mother cry....

2. Whatever you do, don't tell your parents while they're driving. This is for not only your safety, but everyone else on the road. One moment of shock could leave you in the ditch. Also, there's that chance of feeling like you need to get away, and then your only option would be jumping out while the car is still moving.

3. Don't come out on vacation. Im ALMOST guilty of this one!! No matter how close you seem to be with you family at the time, you'll alter the entire mood of the trip. Sure, if things go well, you won't have to feel guilty about watching the boys on the beach. But if they take it hard, you might force the vaction to end early.

4. Don't tell them the day you leave for college. Now, I have friends who did this, and everything worked out ok, but I still see too many things that could go awry. Sure, you're gonna be one your own (and you're an adult right??) But your parents are worried enough about you meeting the right people, and staying away from those nasty, nasty keg parties. You don't need to add to the fact that you might be tumbling around with your roommate.

5. Never come out in a fight Again this is one I've come soooo close to committing, so many times. You're arguing with your parents, and they say, "Well, WHAT is your problem?" It would be so easy to yell back, "I'm gay and closeted, that's my problem!" Because let's face it, when you in a situation where you can't express yourself, you tend to get a little crabby. Well, I know I did. Yelling something like that will only make tempers rise. And you don't need that.

Well, here's our list. I had more, but they must not have been that great, because I can't remember them. I hope this list helps, and remember guys, you've got us to turn to if you need it!!

PS: I've come to realize lately that my parents might not have taken my first coming out (the accident) seriously. It's been three years, and Hell, maybe they thought it was just a phase. I'm considering a re-coming out. Though I'm hesitant, because there was so much crap involved the first time... hmm.

How did I come out to my parents?

Well, I don't really remember it being really "official". They just knew I guess, I don't know. For sure though when I was in middle school going into high school. That much I know.

I think I never really felt a huge connection between us, so when things played out the way they did, I wasn't really surprised or sad about it. I still see my brothers though, which is good. I think I regret the most the fact that I don't see my brothers as much as I should. But as for my parents? F*ck 'em.

.....Ouch! Actually I never came out to them, I knew exactly how my step-dad would have reacted at the time, I wound up leaving home at 16 anyway, just after he clubbed me with a pool stick over my head ( lucky for me I blocked most of it with my arm)

You're scaring me, LOL

Seriously, I wish I'd done this years ago... when I was in high school or something. Filipinos start high school at 12 or something and graduate at 16.. so mb I was too young then. But... now it's like, I dunno.

Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.

- Sir Walter Scott

I feel guilty for lying to them for a decade now. It wasn't as if I had much choice, but it's still deliberately lying.

My parents don't actively hate gays, but they're a bit contemptous of them. I dunno, they can accept other gay people, but for their sons (I've got a younger brother), they always told us "Stop being such a faggot" (roughly translated, lol) or things like that. We also never had gays (at least open ones) in our family tree, as far back as I could trace. Damn.

I'm thinking of telling them when I already have a job and independent and most importantly - a boyfriend. Is that wise?

That what was thinking also, because of the fact that I'm still going to college in the state that I live in I won't be that far away from my parents and will be expected to come home during the summer. And I also think that if I'm totally finacially independent and out of college they really can't hold anything over me. It would also help to have someone like a boyfriend to help me deal with all of this. Even though I feel bad waiting that long it seems to be the safest way to go about it. What are your thoughts on this?

I probabably WOULD have done it that way, if I had the choice.

That way, if things do turn sour, you're able to support yourself while they cool off.

I came out by accident. It was 2 days before I graduated high school, 5 days before my 18th birthday. I wrote a journal/poem book, and my parents read it, then my dad "hacked" my computer (guessed my password) and found further evidence.
There was yelling, but it was all about the snooping. My mom was fine with it at first, and my dad a bit angry. But now it is the other way around. My mom gets nervous when we have a cute waiter, etc. My dad is just fine with it, he'll even wink at me if the waiter is really cute. My sister is my best friend though, we talk all the time about guys and stuff. We even play fight about guys on TV.
Coming out to my best friend's mom ended very poorly. I'm no longer allowed to see him. This one was an accidental slip of the tongue, I said "boyfriend" at one point. She didnt want to talk about it, she just told me never to call again.

One thing I advise against to all my still closeted friends...do not come out by saying "Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend John."
This is not only the shock of coming out, but the shock of a boyfriend. I almost did this with my grandparents, I decided against it though after my friend tried to do the same with his parents and it was rough. I really had no worries because the guy turned me down anyway.

I wish you best of luck coming out you two! It takes a lot of courage!

LOL, well since you both asked

I think it's a really bad idea to come out with a boyfriend. Yes, for part of the reasons Tarin cited:


but also because there's a good chance this will breed extra suspicion and distrust in your parents/family. Think about it this way, from their perspective you were always this nice, straight guy, then "John" comes alone and all of a sudden their son is a frolicking fairy. It stands a good chance of making them resent and blame him. If you come out before you have a boyfriend there's no one to "blame" and it looks more like your decision/something inherent in you. In fact then they might be happy that you finally met a nice boy like "John".

Anyway, this is my opinion, but I've read research on the matter that bears this out.


I definitely support being financially independent, however.


Well it sounds like for the most part everything turned out really well with your family!


WOW! No offense, but what a bitch!


-Kevin

We've had a couple other 'Coming Out' & 'Coming Out to parents' threads, so you may want to read those also for additional perspectives

http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/index.php...;showtopic=5465

http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=3693

Take Care®,

Vic

I would suggest not coming out until you are dependent on them for nothing. For me, that's several years down the road since I have three years of undergraduate left, and then my parents are selling the house, buying a small yacht, and cruising in it for about a year. Don't wanna ruin my dads retirement vacation since he only gets one.

Wow! That sounds like a seriously cool vacation plan!

Coming out by accident is in many ways the worst possible way. You aren't prepared, your parents aren't prepared and there is a lot of room for things to go badly in the heat of the moment. If you are going to places and looking at things of gay interest, learn how to clear your cache, encrypt certian files and practice this routine with vigor. Many parents groups encourage parents to snoop on their kids internet activity and some even offer pointers. [Nobody said they were good parents groups, just paranoid.]


You know your parents better than anyone else. What does your gut tell you? Past performance in tense situations with brothers and sisters can tell you a lot. If they are Hardshell Baptists OR Islamic fundamentalists, chances are that coming out will go badly and there will be exorcisms or cutting off of things best left alone. Point is You are in the best position to know.

If you fear for your safety, staying in the closet is OK. No one will consider you cowardly or a sell out. It's just common sense. As a minor (a person under 18 and/or21) in most countries parents have a tremendous amount of leeway in dealing with their kids. Even in situations where abuse is obvious, many Child Protective agencies are under political pressure to not be seen as promoting or encouraging homosexuality.

There is no set age or time limit on coming out. Coming Out should be at a time and place of your choice when you are completely comfortable with it.




RK is correct. If you are completely dependent on your parents and you don't know or are sure that they are gay hostile, they can use that dependency against you. They can completely withdraw their support or attach strings to their support like not seeing people or going to certian therapists. Fundamentalist churches keep lists of anti-gay "counselors" and even months long inpatient "reparative therepy" which doesn't really work but will absof**kingloutely mess with your head.

Coming out is very serious business. Consider very carefully its consequences not just in regard to the relationship with your family but every aspect of your life.

When you COME OUT, just how far out are you planning on going? Just too your parents? How about your brothers and sisters? Best friends? Which friends do you tell, which friends do you leave out? It all gets very complicated but these are matters that you must consider.

Hey Robbie,

You may want to consider telling your folks right before they go on the cruise (like maybe right as they shove off the pier). While it may stress them out a bit, it will give them a whole year to get used to the idea. Your folks will have a chance to discuss things and hopefully come to grips with it. They'll also have lots of physical labour to perform to work out their aggression (if they have any).

Think about it. One year to run through the range on emotions, without you being in range of being on the receiving end of the emotions.

Take Care®,

Vic

@jamessavik that was very helpful. thanksalot, also with the rest of you guys.

@AFriendlyFace and Tarin: ya, when I sadi having a boyfriend, I only meant having him in the background for moral support. introducing him is another matter. And i wont introduce someone to my parents anyway until i'm sure it's really HIM. lol. and yah, parents do tend to think that gayness is acquired from being friends with another gay person. and in cases of closeted people coming out, it's very easy to believe that misconception, since for all they knew, their son was 'staright' before he introduced that boyfriend of his.

jamessavik:

I really don't know. I wish I could be honest to everybody about myself, but I know that's just impossible. Problem is... I have FIVE other siblings. 3 older sisters, a younger brother (who is straight, as far as I can tell), and a younger sister. to worsen the situation, all of them have wildly varying personalities. :S I love them all tho. family is VERY important for filipinos. which is why it's really really hard for closeted filipino gays to come out to their family. without family, filipinos would basically be uprooted from their cultural identity. :S

Yay for another GA Filipino !

I didn't come out to my folks until I was 27yo, so I can understand what you mean. I didn't really grow up in the Philippines, but the stereotype in the Philippines of gays is that they are real femme, crossdressers, and are wonderful hair stylists. My mom and aunts would bend over backwards to try to get a 'bakla' to do their hair. But have them as a son?

Actually, my folks took my coming out okay (but then again, I was not financially dependent on them). LOL, and when I did come out, I told them about my then boyfriend Bill (which goes against some of the advise given above). Hmmm, I think they did blame him for turning me gay

Oh yeah, I came out to my siblings and cousins before the folks and most of them were very accepting. Especially my sisters. In fact, I bet a couple of your older sisters have an idea that you might be gay (they've probably caught you staring at a cute boy now and then...remember the eyes don't lie).

All in all, the family took my coming out okay. I think the worst of it is that my parents are not sure how to tell friends of the family that I'm gay (LOL, I guess they're closeted okay with having a gay son, I just don't expect the folks to be marching in a gay rights parade...if that makes sense). My ex-bf at the time was welcome and expected at all the family functions and my sisters/cousins made sure that Bill was made to feel welcome...especially if there was someone new at a party.

For example, one Christmas, this friend of the family we hadn't seen in probably 8 years, met Bill for the first time. When she was introduced, you could see the expression on her face change when she realized that 1)No longer young Vic is gay, and 2) He has a BF. Most of my siblings/cousins noticed the way she treated Bill and they all basically ignored and treated the Witch rudely for the rest of the party and made a point of showing how much Bill was part of the family.

So anyhow, good luck for when/if you do decide to come out to your family .

Take Care®,

Vic

I actually have broke a few of these rules..lol

The first person I ever came out to was my middle brother. It was on October 5th 2004, he picked me up from work and we were on our way home and he was kidding me about not having a girl friend, as we approached our house I told him to keep driving and told him I was gay. I was so nervous I started laughing and he thought I was joking at first. But as I expected he was very cool about it.

I then told me mom about six months later and she was shocked, but didn't care. She did some crying and we talked awhile about it, it went very well.


I however was very afraid to tell my dad. I didn't know how he would react, neither did my brother or my mom. It got to the point that I had to tell him because I was planning to move in with my boyfriend. So after talking to my mom about it I decided it to do.

As we were driving home from my moms house(my parents are divorced) I came out to my younger brother very badly by telling him I was going to tell Dad I was gay...lol(I have since apologized to my younger brother). Anyway I got home and I told him "I'm moving in with Jacob, who is my boyfriend" and he said "I thought so, I was going to ask you if you two were dating".

I still have a great relationship with my parents and my brothers.

Excellent advice all around, James! The only point I might disagree with is the first one about "hiding your tracks" with regards to porn. Don't get me wrong it's definitely a good idea, but it seems...sneaky to advise people to hide things from their parents. Ideally I think the parents would respect the child's privacy and not snoop in the first place. I know it happens but...I just hate the whole thing, the snooping, the secrecy etc.


What an awesome story!


Again, what an awesome story!

It's not just about porn! Some parents would go nuclear if they knew their teen was reading stories at Gay Authors.

In an ideal world parents would respect their teenagers privacy and personhood. Unfortunately, we aren't even in the same galaxy with an ideal world. If I save one kid from a summer camp with Exodus Ministries by advising sneakieness, then I'm pro-sneaky.

There are church groups that tell parents that it is their job to snoop on their teenagers. They scare them with tales of their kids being abducted by internut perverts or turning into drug zombies overnight. One hard core parents group says that a teenagers residence and computer should be searched every 2 weeks! In fact they give out pamplets that actually give parents pointers on how to search a teenagers room and computer and give away favorite hiding places like inside vents and stereo speakers.

Point is: A lot of parents are looking so consider this a >> HEADS UP <<.

Parents are motivated to do what they think is best for their teens. In recent years the media, right wingers, fundamentalist and other pro-authoritarian types have been selling FEAR cheap by ton. It makes it easier to sell a more and more authoritarian society. One in which searches are conducted "for your own good", "for your protection" and justified by saying, "you don't have anything to hide, do you?"

This sort of crap gives be the red ass¹ and makes me want to join up with the rebels in the hills. Don't worry- I'll save you a place with the rebels for when you all get sick and tired of it too.


---

1- Red Ass is Cajun for very angry. Kevin knows, I'm sure. I point that out for non-Cajun speakers.

I am cautious about coming out issues because mine was a disaster.

I was outed on my 13th birthday by a Mormon scoutmaster who told 2 southern Baptist parents that their homosexual kid wasn't welcome in his scout troop.

Oh yeah- it was f-ing peachy.

Sometimes you get the idea that coming out never goes wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes it goes horribly wrong and you can get badly hurt if you aren't careful.

3rdEye [aka- Frank]- as sweet a guy as you are, you can get away with breaking a few rules.

Well, I suppose that makes sense. So I tentatively withdraw my "sneakiness objection"


Haha, indeed I do, though it had been awhile since I'd heard the phrase


Have a fantastic day everyone!
Kevin

@NaperVic: Whoa! Pinoy! ^^ I didn't know you were filipino! Really nice to know tho Yep. Filipino stereotype gays as 'Baklas', and when someone says 'gay' everyone automatically assumes that you dress in women's clothing (vice versa for lesbians).

Hmmm... my sisters suspecting something. Y'know what? the more I think of it, the more probable that sounds. They might have suspicions. My younger brother also has no girlfriend tho, he's only a year younger than me, a lot handsomer and taller, hehe, and I don't think he's gay. Maybe he's waiting for his 'Kuya' (elder brother) to get one first. *sigh*. I hate to dissapoint him, lol.

@ThirdEye: Great coming out! Honest, your family sounds awesome

@AFriendlyFace: I have to agree with jamessavik. When I was younger I had two incidents of my mom snooping around my room. admittedly, it was for a good cause, she was trying to find out if I was doing drugs (probably on advice of some other paranoid mother of a teenager). I always act kinda crazy tho, LOL, so I guess I couldn't blame her. I'm the proverbial clown-nerd-artist type of personality and I love pranks and stuff. But it hurt that she didn't trust me enough, because I really never did drugs. NEVER. Not even weed.

In my senior year at high school, it was one of my older sisters at the pretense of cleaning my room, I went ballistic at the invasion. Privacy is very important for me and I don't regard it as sneaking at all. Some parts of ourselves are meant to be kept to ourselves and only revealed when and if we want them revealed. Thankfully, I didn't keep gay porn then... LOL... Only straight ones (and no holier-than-thou's please, we all have them, being males and all, ) and I think it might have thrown them off the tracks for a bit, LOL.

I still am very sensitive when it comes to personal privacy. I avert my eyes when I see someone trying to hide something (the most obvious example is computer passwords and exam papers, hehe, I've never copied from another peson's paper in my life). I do not ask when I know the only way another person will answer is through lying. I do not speak about something someone asked me specifically to be quiet about. I just wished everyone shared that respect to privacy.

Sorry if I sound mad. LOL. I'm not!

@I'm sorry jamessavik if your outing was bad. I definitely feel you. It's my worst nightmare to say the least, to get a bad reaction when I come out. Thank you for the really sound advice. I hope everything goes well for me, rainyday77, and all other closeted gays out there.

Speaking as a parent, I have to agree with James. I don't have teenagers (yet), but I've read a local high school newsletter recently where a senior staff member was essentially telling parents that if their teenager wants to have a sleepover at someone's house, they WILL be having sex. My wife and I were horrified. Yes, that sort of thing does happen, but what ever happened to trusting your children? If you don't trust them when they are teenagers, when do you trust them? Our view is that we have to be cautious but not paranoid. In our house, the only computer that will have internet access (apart from my laptop) will be the one in the living room. The boys will have their own computers in their rooms when they need them for school, but internet access will be in a public area.

I fully expect that they will surf for porn eventually (they are too young now) but our intention is that they will know I'm gay before they get that old. I'm hoping that as part of that coming out, we'll be able to talk about sexuality issues when needed, and not keep them bottled up. We want our boys to learn to trust us, and that means that we will also need to learn to trust them.