Ok, as this is a topic that people have accused me of, I'd really appreciate it if somebody could manage to tell me what is so wrong about Lust driving a relationship.




P.S. I would also like to warn you that there is a high probability that this will be like descibing color to the blind, considering that I've had three relationships lasting at least 6 months driven on Lust that didn't (all) end horribly.

There can be many forms of relationships. Some may be driven by lust, some by actual sex, some by love, while others may be just plain obligations.

Relationship is a very vast term, and is defined differently for different people.

While a relationship on lust can exist, and as you pointed out, they have, personally, I do not find it to be a relationship per se.

For me, relationship is not something that can be based on one simple thing. It is a complex of various factors which may include love, trust, understanding, caring, commitment and some compromise/adjustment.

If you are in a relationship that is driven by lust and are comfortable with it, then go ahead. But I would never like to get into one.

Just my two cents.

BeaStKid

Thanks for that, at the point that I bring that up most people blow it out of proportion and say that its wrong to do so. Of course then the "Well, how would you know if you never loved anyone?" ploy comes into play and the argument turns into a broken record that just keeps repaeting itself, so its nice to hear a different opinion than the vast majority of people.

"What is so wrong about a lust driven relationship?"

Hmm, Well first off let me state that the way in which you conduct your relationships is none of my business. So as long as these types of relationships work for you and the other people involved I'll mostly mind my own business. However, since you asked for my opinion...

Trying to approach the matter from a purely logical standpoint, I would say that the major drawback to a lust driven relationship is that it would fail to provide the participants with the things that they need in the long-term. People, in general, need to have security, and affection in their relationships (they need quite a few other things as well, but most of the others are closely related to these two, or are not as relevant for this discussion in the way that I intend to make my point).

Lust, is by nature, a fleeting state. Eventually both parties will have satisfied their initial lust for each other and if the relationship was founded purely on that it will have no reason to continue. Just how long it takes for one or both parties to lose interest in the other is contingent upon how effectively each member is in creating new and exciting scenarios and recreating that initial lust, but eventually this lust is likely to wane (there's just nothing new and exciting left, it's become routine, etc.). Even assuming that both parties are REALLY into each other physically and REALLY good at keeping the other interested at some point the human body will betray one or both of them and they will look less than sexy. This could be the result of an accident, an illness, or just plain aging. In any case if there's nothing else holding the relationship together it's going to end.

This fact, that lust-based relationships are by their very nature fleeting, flies in the face of security. You simply cannot trust that the other person will accept your flaws, stay with you through the hard times, and generally love you for who you are, because in fact they won't. It also makes the whole concept of affection tricky at best. Each touch and caress is subject to interpretation and second guessing. A lust-based relationship is a difficult one in which to effectively convey and receive true affection.

Anyway, that's why I think that in the long-run a lust-based relationship will prove an unsatisfactory way to conduct one's affairs (pardon the pun). As you said, your three lust-based relationships have ended. It's great that they ended pleasantly, and from a logical point of view you may not be out anything and you may instead have merely gained a few fun and exciting experiences. Nevertheless, if there is a drawback it's that you'll have to continue to try to find more and more people to engage in these relationships with. That may not be a problem at this stage in your life, but they'll come a point when the majority of your peers will want to settle down into long-term serious relationships and will thus not enter (or exit more quickly) relationships based solely on lust. The only people left may very well be people you don't feel especially "lusty" toward. You must also consider that your own youth and beauty are fleeting, and beauty based solely on physical appeal has the shortest shelf-life of all.

Finally, I find it difficult to believe that if your relationships lasted six months they were based solely on lust. Chances are you must have liked and cared about the people for other things as well. I'm assuming every now and then you had a conversation? Or engaged in other non-sexual activities that you both found fun and stimulating? Perhaps you even tried to cheer the other person up or look after them on a bad day?

Relationships can start for any number of reasons and sexual attraction is generally useful in the beginning stages. I would however suggest working to build more enduring, deeper ties with the person, however.

Anyway, take care, be safe, and strive to look out for yourself AND the people you're with

-Kevin

BTW, welcome to Gay Authors!!

Not to take away from what Kevin said (and said, and said, and said), it is my seldom humble opinion that "lust" is absolutely critical to the formation of a healthy long-term relationship for persons who are reasonably normal psychologically. Lust has an understandable biologic root based in propagating the species. While this root basis has been "civilized" out of most human societies, the biochemical process still occurs. Social evolution is much faster than biological evolution. ... um back to my point ... oh yea

Lust brings along with it a very complex emotional state. When you make a list of all the things that you would find desirable for a husband (one that you plan to keep for a long time) you aren't thinking with your hormones; you aren't driven by lust. When you meet someone who meets none of those criteria, but has some indefinable (or quite obvious) characteristic that sends your hormone level and desire through the roof, you ignore the fact that he is ugly, an arrogant prick and dumb as a tack and go out with him. As time goes on, you realize he meets none of the things you want in a relationship. Suddenly the fact that he doesn't know how to chew with his mouth closed isn't "cute" and amazingly, the thing between his legs isn't the grand source of pleasure it once was (I think this is what Kevin was talking about when he said it would go away). If you meet someone that meets some of the things on your "desired" list and you feel lust for them you have a chance. The lust lets you ignore the things you don't like long enough to really get to know the person. If you have been open and honest, and there is a mutual desire to make something "work", then lust can play a big role in forming a relationship that is deeper, and hence, more lasting than one built simply on "lust".

*brings out his own bullshit meter*

Ok, I said it in a crap fashion, but if you follow my feeble brain I think you can figure out what I was saying.

All I can say is that it is amazing what you will put up with if you are getting off every day.

Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

I agree with Kevin in that a lust-driven relationship is typically short-lived. Given that some people only want short-term relationships, then that's fine. It is a rare long-term relationship that is lust-driven.

My other point would be that the definition of 'lust' that I use means that it would be a selfish relationship. I know I'm on shakier grounds here because not everyone will have the same definition of what they mean by 'lust'.

To me, lust is centered on self -- "I want a relationship with that person to satisfy me." When your own lust is satisfied, what about the other persons? If you care enough to let them satisfy their own lust then I would say that it is a mixed lust/love relationship because you are looking out for the other person's needs -- which I would classify as more a loving relationship.

There is an aspect of lust in every sexual relationship. This makes it difficult to discuss the differences between a lust-driven vs love-driven relationship -- we really have a spectrum from one end to the other.

Short term, there's nothing wrong with a relationship that is mutually driven by lust. Each person is satisfying themselves with the other in a mutually acceptable manner. If one person is lust driven and the other is love driven, then the second person is in danger of getting hurt -- the expectation of reciprocal feelings is unlikely to be met. I'm not saying they will be hurt, but there is the risk that they are looking for two different things from the relationship.

Just my opinion. An interesting question -- thanks!

Short answer? Nothing. Long answer? Nothing...right now, but it may get trickier later.

I've never had a lust-driven relationship for the simple fact that I'm a complete girl when it comes to these things, but you asked for opinions, so.

First of all, you're sixteen. (I'm not much older so I'm not about to get condescending, don't worry.) Point is, I highly doubt you're currently thinkin' about settling down with your mans and Fido and moving to Suburbia and adopting a Chinese baby. If you're content right now to date someone solely because the sex's fabulous, I don't really think there's a problem. Most important thing in a relationship's happiness, I think. And if doing it a lot makes you both happy, what's the harm? Course, later on you may find you need more, but like I said, that's later. And, even if when you're older, you still just want lust, nothin' wrong there either. I'd only see a problem if you try for a more "substantial" relationship cause you think it's what you should want. From what I've seen, THAT'S where the problems start. If you're honest with yourself about what makes you happy, and go for it, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Course, I am a firm advocate of "whatever tickles your pickle," so make of that what you will.

My relationship with my partner started as mutual lust. That was when we were in the 7th grade, no less. Then over time we fell in love, and became boyfriends in the summer between 8th and 9th grades. We're still together, dormmates in the first semester of our freshman year at college. We are still in love, even more so, and now describe ourselves as partners for life. So lust can lead to bigger things.

And it can just be lust for lust's sake. Or lust for the sex. Whatever rings your chime. Pay attention to the other posts, because things can be very different from person to person and couple to couple.


Colin

As has been mentioned, there are different kinds of relationships. Obviously lust (which is not capitalized, FYI) is not going to sustain a long-term committed relationship in the traditional sense, but that's not to say you cant have a long, successful 'relationship' with a f**K buddy, as it were. I fail to see, however, how you could have a boyfriend with whom you shared nothing in common but good sex.

Menzo

You're absolutely correct, Menzo.

Lust and sex are great, but a lifetime together requires love and understanding and even forgiveness. Doug and I fell in love over time. We discovered that we really liked each other, liked being together, doing things together. We found that we had a lot of the same interests, and a lot of individual interests too. We discovered that when one of us was sad, the other was there to make us both happy again. We were there to cry on each other's shoulder, to laugh together, to just sit reading or watching TV or doing nothing at all together. It was about 2 years after we realized that we were in love with each other and became boyfriends that we committed to be life partners. Yeah, we were very young, 16 years old, but we firmly believe that we will be together for life. Neither of us can imagine a life without the other.

Today is my 18th birthday. Doug's 18th birthday was in September. So this morning we mailed our domestic partner registration form with a $33.00 check to the California Secretary of State. In about two weeks it will be official.

I guess I'm just a helpless romantic, and I thank God or whoever is responsible that Doug's the same.

Colin

Yeah!! He has a tendency to do that...

LOL, I thought my post, while perhaps a bit lengthy, was fairly well-structured, not like some of the rambly (*rushes off to the It should be a word! thread*) ones I do sometimes

-Kevin

Nice word!!!

I've seen it capitalized in the context as one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but I guess that's an older usage.

Oh, and in German, of course: "Haben Sie Lust?"



It was quite coherent and not at all loquacious.

I almost said the same thing! Must be my Catholic upbring showing


Why thank you!

~shrugs~ You're sixteen. Go for it. Have a damn good time and don't get any diseases.

Hormones, immaturity, a whole new world of.... <---- blahblahblah answers to emerging sexuality and exploration. I say you can do whatever you want and not worry about it for now too much. I've been told by too many people to count that they only started loving a person way after they started boning them. That part might take some understanding, needs, or effort you don't have yet, and that's not bad, it just is.

Bah, have fun. If his teeth don't chatter, you're not doin' it hard enough. Just be careful and remember to really think about if you're happy and your partner is happy, and try different things if you're not.











And Kevin, I love your posts. I think they're splendiferously Kevvers-y.

I'm not sure that I totally agree with this. For me sex doesn't really come into the equation when I love someone. I've had sex with people I didn't even like, and managed to fall in love with a guy without ever touching him.



Now this, this I agree with unequivocally.

As far as the main topic(s), I rattle on nearly as much as Kevin, so I won't go there, and it is fine to have a relationship based on lust, in my opinion, as long as the almighty relationship rule is followed, "Be honest with each other about what is going on." If on side wants more out a relationship than the other, mayhem and broken furniture can ensue.

No, I will not elaborate what that last sentence means. Its the kind fo thing you have to figure out on your own.

Is it pathetic that I understand exactly what that means?

But back to the topic, this is a very interesting view of opinion, which is weird coming from me considering that I have the same view
Also, I will have to disagree with the teeth chattering statement, it just so does not apply to me. If my teeth aren't chattering then they aren't doing it hard enough

In a lust driven relationship, after you have a shower, what do you talk about or do you just leave a twenty on the dresser?

Isn't a hooker preferable because when you wear them out, you can trade them out and giving a damn about them is completely optional?


James [who asks the most annoying questions]

Well, as it is, people have survived centuries with nothing in common but sex, for example the past kings/emperers or ancient rome/greece/england and their wives. Its easy enough to do because it just means that you have to have sex hard enough to exhast you and whoever wakes up first leaves, no money paid. That would also be why you wouldn't go to a hooker, too much money. As for giving a damn about the person, thats their choice whether to or not, not to mention that lust driven relationships can be between friends that have nothing in common and are simply "f**K buddies" so you don't feel anything more than friendship to them.......well, except when actually f**king.

i'll say that i regret not doing more earlier sexually.
i didn't "give it up" until i was eighteen, and my first two experiences were horrible anyway.
i wish i had done it when i was like fourteen, no lie. it sounds outrageous, but i do.

if you can stand that kind of relationship, good for you.
i guess at your age it's borderline normal, and it will be probably well into your twenties.
people don't grow up that much in college.

but i think it's something you should consider outgrowing. it's a phase, not a lifestyle. at least that's what i think.

after all, lust has the same letters as slut.

Kevin, you're adorable.



That's priceless.

That's why I pay for my sluts with mastercard

That deserved another reply

QUOTE (lesfeuxdemoncoeur @ November 26 2007, 10:12 PM) after all, lust has the same letters as slut.



...........I agree that is a good one