So I hung out with a few friends the other night, all of them gay or bi. An entire bottle of vodka was cleaned out between the four of us, and one of them got particularly plastered. Enough so that he was all over me on the couch. The whole ass-to-crotch thing with lots of moving around on his part... without going into the more interesting details, the end of the story is that he was saying things to the other two guys in the room like, "I so could right now," and, "I think I feel a pulse!" None of us know what he was talking about, and as far as we can tell he doesn't remember the night at all. I drove one of them home last night and he was the first/only one to say something about the guy being all over me and him and I talked about gay stuff on the way to his apartment, such as Nifty, and locker rooms

At any rate, could someone possibly enlighten me as to what my drunk gay friend's intentions were? There was one point where he was trying to separate me from my laptop (which this post is being typed on ) and we wound up with me on my back, legs in the air, and him in between them. The guy I drove home said to that, "now all you need is a little more skin!" I have an idea in my head as to what the drunk one was trying to do, but as a virgin I'm afraid to say it. Before he was three sheets to the wind he'd said that he hasn't had dick in a while. I bet him that I haven't had dick in even longer (21 year old virgin!) and the one I drove home said, "You know, if we did anything, it would be an orgy." Eeeehhhh.... what do I do??? While the drunk one was moving around on me he sounded almost distressed, giving me a look every now and then... even grabbing my hand to put on his chest a few times... as the dogs (three of them) tried to see what we were doing hahah. I'm asking this because I'll certainly be hanging out with them again before they all graduate in May, and I want to know what exactly I'm supposed to do if that situation arises again.







Please don't laugh at me, I'm new at this sort of thing hahaha.

C'mon, you know what his intentions were. In any event, with him being drunk, he was either just horny or acting on his true desires. Maybe he really wanted you for a long time...who knows? Or your group was feeling you out for a potential orgy....gauging your reaction.

The next time you hang with them and this situation comes up again, just go with what you're comfortable with. You always have to follow your gut feeling, even if you're mind is arguing with you. Like if you're tense and have the urge to flee, even if your mind is telling you to calm down and have fun, well, your body has reacted first and it's the physical reactions you need to follow. Does that make any sense at all?

You can stay for a bit, make out or whatever, but considering you're a virgin and you were already uncomfortable (seemingly) about what had occurred, the next time you hang out, they could go further (ahem, orgy) and you'd be way over your head. The worse thing is to be pressured into something you might regret later on.

Just do what you feel is right. It's really simple, but difficult at the same time. Curse peer pressure, huh? When you find yourself in a sticky situation, you usually know right off the bat what you should do, it just takes some time to realize it.

Hmmm... could it be that one or two or all of your drunk gay friends want to do something very naughty with you? It seems like a very possible possibility, especially the one who was humping you on the couch.

Well, when one is drunk, one's intentions may not be correct. And a lot of stuff that comes out of one's mouth doesn't hold up during sober hours. If you want something to happen, do try doing it while conscious. If you want to ignore the whole thing, then go ahead. Your friends would probably be too embarrassed to bring it up anyway. What you should do if the situation comes up again depends entirely on how comfortable you were with their antics this time around, and if you want or don't want to pursue certain things.

The first thing I'd say is decide what you want first before the 'next time' (if there is one). The tone of your question implies you feel you've got to go along with whatever your friends do - it came across as very passive.

I hope you realise that isn't the case and it especially shouldn't be the case if you're a virgin - unless you're okay with that. Most people find they look back on their first sexual experience and feel a sense of missing out if it was 'just sex' rather than being in a loving context. You need to think about how much your 'first time' means to you and not be swayed by peer-pressure or some drunk forcing their attentions on you.

You should also know that for many people their first sexual experience can unleash some powerful and unexpected emotions that can become an obsession with the person they lost their virginity to. If it was a casual encounter that can make things difficult.

Many guys don't remember (or choose to forget) what they do when they're drunk and it can lead to some very awkward situations, both between the two of you and in dealing with your own emotional reactions.
Alcohol (and drugs) reduces inhibitions. Guys need to get their rocks off - you know how *that* feels. Put the two together and your drunken friend's behaviour might be easier to understand. Unless he tells you he has feelings for you when he's sober, the best approach is to assume it means nothing and was a result of lowered inhibitions.

Orgies can be fun if all the participants are okay with it, but they can also be difficult if there are unbalanced dynamics of lust between some of the participants. I wouldn't recommend getting into one until you've got some sexual experience with loving partners under your belt and know what you want and can control the situation so you're not upset by it.

Ask the guy to his face and without embarrasment what he remembers of the night - I've seen so many similar incidents where similar things have happened and the one that remembers assumes a whole bunch of stuff and the other person has no recollection of the events, and doesn't share the feelings. If necessary embarrass the guy over it, as if you're mildy pissed off over his forward behaviour. That allows you to set the ground-rules in case he tries it again and you've decided you don't want it.

Possible Interpretations:

"I so could right now" - I'm so horny I need to f**k someone
"I think I feel a pulse" - I think the guy I'm sat on is getting hard

I'll end where I started - it is essential you know what you are comfortable with and how far you're prepared to go in a similar situation, then you can take charge if a similar situation occurs again.

If I had to guess, between what your drunk friend was doing, the coments he made, and the comments the guy you gave a ride home to; you have been a topic of discusion for them before.

between the comment 'I feel a pulse' and "You know, if we did anything, it would be an orgy."; I get the feeling that the others kinda know what was going on. it sounds like the three of them have been talking about getting you out of your pants.

I think your best bet, since your post sounds like you didn't really like the situation, tell them so...tell the drunk friend that he was making you feel uncomfortable...the one you drove home, tell him you don't think of them that way...basicly, be nice about it, but tell them where you stand. If they are decent guys, they'll respect your feelings.

last thing, don't wait till the situation escalates to that point again. next time, it might get even more out of hand


Just my two cents, spend it how ya want

Hugs,
Tom

Great advice.

It's best to be honest, upfront, and straight-up, right from the beginning so they know where you stand. They tried to feel out your position on the whole thing, and you're making it clear it's not what you want, so no mixed signals that they could interpret however they want.

Like Tom said, if they're real friends, they'll respect your feelings and decision.

And always go with your gut feeling. You don't know how many times bad things could have been prevented if you just followed your gut feeling, instead of trying to be nice. My last post- I said to see what happens- but that's only if you know these are guys you can trust completely. If they're not those kind of friends/people, then do not wait for the situation to occur again, because then it might get out of control.

I should probably clarify my question. The advice so far has been excellent, thank you! But, I should say that I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I just didn't know what to do since I didn't know what the other two were planning to do that night (they're boyfriends and I'm assuming they shared a bed that night, I slept on an air mattress while the drunk one slept on the couch), and being so inexperienced I didn't know what to with my hands, or what I was allowed to do, so I let him do what he wanted with them. I kinda felt like a guy getting a lap dance who won't touch the stripper for fear of getting beat up by security. I'll be honest, I've thought about what it would be like to do it with them, especially since they all have suggested doing it together on more than one occasion, even while sober. I'm not opposed to it at all, I just worry about it being awkward since I didn't even know what to do with myself when I got a knobber a couple years ago.

You really think they've talked about me privately before? Sure, I was the last to arrive to the house, and it took me about a half hour to get there since they text messaged me as I was getting in my car and I had to go in the opposite direction first to get gas. Sorry, I'm too introverted and self-concious think that people would talk about me in any context that was social. Especially since of the three of them, the one guy (call him C) doesn't seem to think about sex a lot (doesn't even like pr0n), and the drunk one ® is waaaaay out of my league (physically fit, cute, fashion conscious, L.A. native, ex-marine make-up artist who called me a "betch" when I took out my laptop... he hates it since it takes my attention away from them lol), and the one I drove home (T) is dating C, but is very open-minded and very laid-back. Every now and then he tells me we need to get together to trade pr0n, which I actually do want to do. The only reason I would hesitate doing anything with him is because he is dating C, which throws off everything from the other night because I can't imagine C wanting to be in an orgy, nor can I imagine either him or T being promiscuous or allowing extra-marital relations. I definitely don't want cause them trouble, so I have just always assumed either one of them was joking when the prospect of... orgy-ing?... was brought up (this would be the third time now).

To sum this post up, I'm not adverse to orgy-ing (making up words is fun!), even for my first time, so long as they know it's my first time. Everyone in the group (the girls weren't present that night) knows I'm a virgin. In fact one of the girls said she wants to get me laid. Find me a nice gay boy to go to town with, lol. If I can get her or T in private (T seems to be the easiest to talk to since I talked to him about sexuality, Nifty, GSAs at the school I'll be transferring to next year, in the 20 minutes it took to get to his building) I might ask them these questions. She knows them better than I do and T knows them better than she does, it's just tough to find them outside of GSA meetings and they've never been there alone with me before meetings.

Am I intimidated? Abso-f**kin'-lutely. Do I want to do it? Abso-f**kin'-lutely. The intimidation factor is that R is the most experienced of us all (being 26 and having an ex-boyfriend in California and a butt-buddy who is currently in Troy, Greece), but T and C both came out recently and C (according to L, the aforementioned girl) lost his only a couple years ago at the age of 20.

I might have more to say but this post is growing rapidly and 2 am is approaching rapidly-er (I English good this late!) so I'll come back to it tomorrow after my first class.

Well that changes all the rules


Hugs,
Tom

To give a general idea of how awkward/lost I felt/was... when he was rubbing himself against me on the couch, every now and then he would look at me. I would try to look at him (sometimes his shoulder was in my face) and I would say, "Hi?" I think I was stuck in a position of a) wanting to do it, not wanting to take advantage of him being drunk/high, c) not wanting to ruin my friendship with these guys by doing something inappropriate. As far as I, T, and C can tell, he doesn't remember a lot (just before going to bed, he attacked me by jumping on my back... I deposited him onto the couch and he pulled me between his legs) and none of us knew quite what was going on since he was babbling randomly.

I imagine if they were collaborating to separate me from my pants, then T would have said more than he did about the night before when I drove him home. All he did was mention that R was all over me, to which I responded by wondering if R would remember any of it.

*sigh* I'm probably reading too much into it. I should just write it off as him being REALLY friendly after getting drunk/high and leave it at that.

A menage a quatre, for real?! LOL

You're 21, so it's your choice now.

Though I've never seen Drunk One®, I can't say he's waaaay out of your league like you said. LOL. In case you didn't notice, you're VERY attractive yourself. (nuh-uh! *wags finger* don't disagree).

I'm more worried about you getting emotionally attached to Drunk One®, especially since it's your first time, and let's face it, virgins like us aren't really ready for the 'f*ck-buddy' phase yet.

I too think they talk about you. T and C especially seems to have taken it into their hands to put you up to a little matchmaking and getting rid of your virginity problem. Is that a bad thing? Not really. Unless they're the plotting evil types. Which i doubt anyone is, LOL.

But I say get to know Drunk One® better first. It sounds like you don't really know that well? Is he really the one you want your first time to be with? Also get to know C, he might not be as prudish as he sounds. But if he's monogamous, DON'T tempt T. LOL. Respect their relationship

That said... orgy-ing does sound like a fun way to lose your virginity. ROFL!

If it ever comes to that, USE CONDOMS. I have to say be careful in investing your emotions on this one. Drunk One® sounds like a heartbreaker.

DISCLAIMER: This advice is from another virgin born a full year before Robbie with no immediate possibilities on the horizon of losing it soon. ROFL! Don't laugh at me too.

P.S. Does this mean you'll be going into the slut phase now? D: and again USE CONDOMS! DON'T get pressured to bareback if they/he force(s) you to it. You can always just walk away.

then again...after thinking about it....it doesan'y chaange the rules...just what you tell them

Great, now my e-husband is calling me a slut... condoms are a given. As far as emotional attachment goes, that won't happen. That would only happen if I was on the receiving, and I'm saving that for someone I'm involved with.

Pitchin' eh?! ROFL Robbie! Good then

Well... if my e-husband is contemplating an affair, I has ze right to callz him a zluts! j/k I hope this doesn't mean divorce proceedings soon. I want a baby first.

You find the uterus and I'll work on extracting your genes I won't be divorcing a sweetheart like you any time soon

I have some thoughts:


Given the topic at hand, and your choice of words my answer would be: take a shower


Dude, given the situation I can say with almost 100% certainty that almost anything you might have done with your hands would have been appropriate. What did you want to do with them? Was there anywhere you wanted to touch or rub? LOL, this is rapidly getting far too graphic, but point is you probably had mostly free-range. My suggestion woulda been to start off with something milder and more casual, and work up to whatever you were interested in doing. If at any point it had been more than was welcome it probably wouldn't have been that much more (given a semi-gradual progression) and all R woulda had to do woulda been to get up.


People, particularly gay/bi boys in our age range are going to chat about their friends. If you've got good friends it won't be anything too bad or catty, and it hopefully won't violate your privacy, but they ARE going to discuss and reference you occasionally.


Obviously you know him far better than I do, but you never really know about that sorta thing. I have one very sexual friend who claims to never watch porn (because he lives it perhaps? j/k).


evidently not


Ask him. Sounds like you could just casually say "have you guys really done that before?". Seriously, it's not that inappropriate to ask if they keep bringing it up.

Couples, especially gay couples, have all sorts of approaches to monogamy (or a lack thereof). Many couples form a sort of "we'll only play together" agreement. Other's know, but don't want want their partner messing around in the house, or telling them about it before/after. Some insist on knowing about it before/after. Some don't really have any ground rules. It's completely discretionary and variable. The important thing, IMO, is simply setting the relationship up such that both parties are comfortable and satisfied with their situation. If I were in a relationship I would enforce a very strict monogamy which would certainly preclude orgies, but if other people want something else that's their business. Anyway, point is it can be difficult to try to speculate on just what sort of agreement they have without simply talking about it. I knew a lesbian couple that had an open relationship. Never woulda guessed it from talking to them (unless it was about that of course ).


Ohh, good news! They have this wonderful new invention that can help you out in this situation! It's called a phone.

"Hey man, what are you up to today/tonight? Oh cool, wanna go grab some coffee/lunch/dinner and/or hang out?"

Again, that doesn't sound inappropriate at all given that you've frequently partied with them and attend meetings with them. Calling them up randomly to see if they want to hang out is pretty normal. And I know you have their #s because you talked about them texting you! In fact why not let this conversation take place over text? I make LOTS of plans strictly via text.

Regarding the emotions that may be involved in your first time: only you can guess how you'll feel. You may indeed feel very much like some of the others speculated. Or maybe you won't at all. When I lost my virginity it wasn't really a big deal. We were casual friends. We hung out alone one evening. He was hot. We both wanted it. Neither one of us regretted it or expected anything to come of it.

Like you I followed the axiom that it was better to give than to receive, but really the first time I tried that wasn't a big emotional event either.

I sound like I slut. I'm really not, but I am someone who takes context into consideration when it comes to sex. I know what I want and what I don't, and I know what to expect before and after. I definitely recommend you take these things into consideration.

Finally, is having sex with your (close) friends really such a good idea? Personally, I have an official rule that I don't get sexual with guys I care significantly about on a platonic level. If someone's a reasonably close friend and we're not in, or steadily moving toward, boyfriend status, then he's not getting any! And if I were serious about him I probably wouldn't casually sleep with him in the first place.

Saturday night I spent the evening clubbing, dancing, and drinking with one of my new, good friends. It's about the 4th or 5th time we hung out. Anyway, we were both pretty drunk, and he made reference to being all for casually making out (though he'd previously mentioned he didn't do casual sex). If I hadn't cared about him as a friend and been looking forward to strengthening and deepening our relationship I'd probably have kissed him. From there there's no telling what would have happened, although I doubt we would have gone too far, but in any case I decided it was a bad idea.

What I'm getting at - in my typical long-winded way - is that you have a lot of other very important things to consider besides just your virginity and lack of experience. I would guess that these friendships are a great deal more important to you than messing around. If that's the case I would strongly recommend that you don't indulge in "friendcest".

It works for some people and it's really up to the four of you, but I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.


Good luck, Robbie!
I'm wishing you the best

-Kevin

P.S. I know it's been said, and responded to by you, but seriously SAFE SEX ONLY

I wasn't gonna say it lol.


Probably true, but what would the others have thought? They're boyfriends, and never once have I seen them look the part except for the one time they sat in a loveseat together and C put his hand on T's knee. The night of the xmas party, they slept together on the couch, but when R woke me (needed a ride home) that morning, it was more like they were sleeping next to each other, than together.


*Adds paranoia to the list*
I don't like gossip, particularly when I'm the topic, but I don't think these guys would talk badly of other people, particularly T.


Well... he HAS looked at the screen with a degree of interest both of the times I've had pr0n up on the screen. This time I put up a picture of a half-naked guy playing with large knitting needles (more like pointed dildos) to appease R when he wanted me to close the computer. He said it wasn't enough, so I opened "the folder" and scrolled through it, asking T what I should use. He went ecstatic and the others took a gander.


If you were as blasted as he was, then you would have been all over me as well thinking I was some at least a little bit attractive guy.


Kevvers, I know you're, like, really really really really really, um, old... but you're beginning to sound a little like my 60 year old dad. For your own good, get off your rocker and put down your spectacles... and stop shaking your cane at those kids on your lawn.

The only reason I wouldn't text this conversation is because I would panic when they didn't answer right away, and it took R a few hours to respond when I first asked him if we were hanging out that night.

A cold one? LOL

Also... I agree with Kevin. Sleeping with friends. Hmm... I dunno. If I ever get into the f**kbuddy phase, I wouldn't want it to be with anyone close to me.




Oh man.

.............Vodka is to me as Tequila is to Eric (LTMP), seriously I would have thought the obvious question, "How is his reaction to you when sober?" Not trying to discount the "friendly get-together" as his intentions sounded very clear to me.

Booze simply lowers inhibitions. If someone secretly wants to be a slut, it comes out when that person drinks. The same can be said of attraction to a certain person. That's just how liquor is.

True, but alcohol also has the effect of making ugly people appear pretty.

To be fair, I think (not really sure) I remember T saying something along the lines of, "Careful what you're doing, R, unless you want to?" when R was on top on me. To which he replied, "I do!" Silly drunk people and their lack of inhibition. If he wanted to get a "rise" out of me *snickers* then he should have said so... my piece just out of reach of his glutes the hole time, so he was just rubbing up against my pants and thighs... in fact he was digging my chap stick into my thigh.

Robbie, get that self-doubt out of your head this instant before I thwack you with my CANE

New update! I spoke to R tonight (GSA meeting). He doesn't remember anything that happened that night after the first thirty minutes that I was there, and with good reason. Apparently he'd lost his job that day, so that bottle of Grey Goose went rather quick. He asked me what he did that night and I told him I was the wrong person to ask lmao.


Anyway, I might still ask T what he means whenever he mentions the prospect of orgying... he's done it twice now, and then there was the other time when R was drunk, leaning against me, and made a comment that we should all do it... and C's response was that we didn't have a room... mind you there was a room full of sleeping drunk people who had nothing to do with the GSA ten feet so I was hoping that the ones I knew didn't recognize me and/or heard that haha.

Oh and apparently I was a topic of discussion between R and his roommate. Something about me being quiet... oh well.

Interesting choice of words. *snicker*

Don't worry, shy quiet types are irresistible. LOL

I do believe he meant whole. There are too many sound alike/look different words in English.

I saw the error after I posted and decided to leave it lol.

Am I allowed to say that one's first sex ought not to be an orgy? I think it ought to be with someone you really like and trust and with whom you can negotiate what you do knowing he will respect the negotiation.

An orgy is likely to be treated as 'anything goes' and also to be accompanied by drink and drugs. If I am too drunk to stop it and someone cums on my arse and he had sex somewhere else a few nights ago he might have HIV and give it to me.

When I was hopelessly in love with a straight guy I was persuaded to have sex with someone else and have regretted it a lot since. I wanted the sex but not with that partner! Since that was in 1956 there was no danger of Aids. The danger then was that you might lose some of your self-respect. You still can!

Love,
Anthony (aged 73)

Of course you're allowed to say it. Just please be aware that what you feel is right for others might not necessarily actually be what's right for others. We each have to make up our own minds about what we're comfortable with.



Gossip isn't always bad. Especially when you consider the second quote I referenced.

As I see it there are two dynamics at work here.

One was the situation you found yourself in. The guy was drunk, horny and probably would have had sex with the sofa if he could have made it that far. You felt uncomfortable because you didn't know what to do. I'm not sure I would have known what to do if I were a virgin and dealing with someone like that. So don't sweat it.

Second, it seems as if some of your friends want you to stop being a virgin. If their intentions are good, as should be the case with friends, then hopefully they want to see you with someone who will make you happy. Someone you will feel comfortable giving up your virginity to. If so that's a very sweet sentiment. It shows they really care about you and your happiness. If they just want to get you laid then in my opinion they're not real friends. They just want the satisfaction of knowing they achieved their own selfish goals.

The nice thing about never having a lot to drink is that if the situation were to ever turn negative, then my exit is just the turn of a key away.

I'm not sure how your comment relates to what I wrote. However as a stand-alone comment it does make sense.

Well, perhaps I'm just old-fashioned, but I'm really quite inclined to agree.

That would be like coming out on national television before you tell your closest friends and family!

Or like making a turkey dinner with all the trimmings before you've attempted a turkey sandwich.

Small steps. Small steps.


That's very true and sensible, but a couple of thoughts do occur to me when I read this.

First, is there a lack of trust going on? Do you stay sober not so much because you want to but simply because you don't trust what would happen if you didn't? Which of course might be about not trusting them OR about not trusting yourself, or a combination. If there is a lack of trust going on that doesn't necessarily mean it's unfounded, but it's probably worth examining.

Second, even though you might be physically able to remove yourself from the situation that doesn't mean you can remove yourself from the situation Leaving is a good option if you're really in danger of being hurt or of losing your temper and hurting someone, but storming off is a bad option if it prevents you from discussing and working out important issues.

Just a few thoughts, and remember I'm not endorsing a drunken orgy. My recommendation for your first time would include complete sobriety and the presence of someone you care about and trust ]

-Kevin

Preferably, the first time is with somebody you love. I wish had waited for that, but I was young and naive. I would never suggest the first time being someone who doesn't mean a lot to you. It cheapens the experience. I'm thinking of the song, "If I Could Turn Back Time".

I'm just not a heavy drinker by nature. Being three sheets to the wind has never been very appealing, so the most I've ever had in one night is three bottles. As far as I can tell, there is no lack of trust.

I agree that someone's first time should be spent with a lover of sorts, which is why I am saving "receiving" for that type of person. Pitching, on the other hand, is all up for grabs *no pun intended*. If I were ever to do something like this, then it would be entirely a learning experience, particularly since I've read the text books and watched the videos, with "hands on" experience being limited to arm exercises

It probably won't ever happen, particularly because I won't be going to the drag show at Monmouth University next week with them and subsequently sharing a dorm room with them (sister is coming over from TN, and she can't drink with me if I'm not there (home)... her words lmao), which leaves us with barely a month and a half and two hot tub parties before we all part ways. Maybe three hot tub parties.

Ah, from what I see... I guess that it's ok to be uncomfortable, if you don't feel like wanting to do it, then don't do it. I know that I'm still a minor, but I think I started to be like you, Robbie, a sexually frustrated virgin, known as S.F.V. If the drunk guy is out of your league, then maybe it can be, or... maybe not Anyway, just take one day at a time and enjoy it as if it will end soon, okay??