Hi everyone,

Pretty straightforward question really, at what age did you figure out your sexuality? I most people are generally slightly aware of it all along - perhaps aware that something is different about them - but when did you actually know?

For me, well it wasn't really on the radar at all until I was at least 11 or 12, then it was just sorta a vague thing I suppose until about 8th grade. By then, and pretty much through high school, I was under the impression that I was bisexual. I really didn't work it out for sure until after high school (which I suppose woulda made me around 18-20).

I never really struggled with it at all. I never preferred being one thing over another, and indeed I thought it was pretty cool all along to know that I wasn't just another straight guy, but it was definitely complicated by the fact that I'm still pretty sure I'm NOT 100% gay. I do not consider myself bisexual any longer because I don't think that's the best or most descriptive label for me, and I'm certainly more gay than bi (although again I don't think "bisexual leaning male is quite appropriate either). So I'm perfectly content to live my life as a gay person with a little asterisk and a footnote that says "not completely" or "open to anything".

So how old were you? Do you wish you'd figured it out sooner?

Take care all and have a fantastic day!
-Kevin

P.S. I apologize to the straight people for this rather biased question. Any insight or comments you have would be great

12....

I think it wouldn't have mattered if I had figured it out sooner, so the timing was ideal...

26ish - 30, and I wish I'd had it pegged sooner! Looking back I should have realised when I was 14. I'm still enjoying my 2nd (or is it 3rd) adolescence though so it's not all bad

Wow first to realize under 10, well so far anyway

I was 14 when I had my first "real" experience with another boy. Before, (between 12 and 13) I had mixed feelings, being afraid of both girls and boys. As an only son, living in very prudish family, I had to discover myself the "birds and the bees".Later, between 15 and 16, I learned to enjoy the pleasures of both sides., as we said then : "navigate with steam- and sail-boats" .

Well, I was around 13-14, when I was more sure about being gay. As Kevin said, we all must have suspected before but it was around this age that I was more sure.

I don't think there's a proper timing as such. At least, not for me. But mine was ok. So I went with ideal.

Ieshwar

I put in the 18-24 range (21) as being the time I officially came out. I had always fantasized about boys - as far back as like 2nd or 3rd grade, in non-sexual ways - but all through highschool and the beginning of college, I still kept thinking it was wrong to be thinking about boys like that. Of course, I never tried to do *anything* with girls; I only even ever had two friends who were girls, and one of them laughed in my face when I said I thought she was a good girlfriend.

In some ways, I wish I had figured it out for sure before I did - but in other ways it was just right, because me figuring it out was part and parcel in getting together with my One True Love. I came out, became suicidal because of it, spent a week trying to figure out how to kill myself without it hurting (yeah, I'm lame...), then got introduced to my love by a mutual friend, fell in love over the phone in a single evening, and we've been together for coming on 17 years.

- dfp

i was twelve. there was a definite 'oh shit' moment when it happened and from then on i "knew" i guess the way you "know" when you find out someone important to you has died. meaning there was a denial period of six years. but still, i started thinking about it actively when i was twelve.

there were little signs of it before then that i guess in retrospect seem quite telling. i was always extremely curious about what other boys looked like, and i remember i had a big sleepover in the fifth grade and i wanted to sleep next to this friend and i kept moving closer to him but passed it off just as like a friend deal. and maybe it was. i mean i can't say if straight boys act like that or not.

...........2nd - 3rd grade I knew I was attracted to boys, I did not realize that this "different" and thought I was normal until the 7th grade when reality hit me.

I've been attracted to boys for as long as I can remember. There have been a few girls that I had 'more than friends' feelings for, but considering that I've only had one boyfriend who lasted about a year, on and off, and I wasn't interested in going farther than second base with him, I'm beginning to think that I'm more attracted to the concept of romance and sex than the actual experiences. It's all I write about, but it's not on my to-do list, if that makes any sense. I guess I'm still trying to figure things out, but my sexuality, or lack thereof, doesn't bother me.

Personally, I was 16 and up until then, until then I figured I was bi. I was asked out by a girl, my first girlfriend, and being a teenager, I decided to experiment. I discovered I like females and started to notice the way I looked at other females. I have since gone from bi leaning towards men to bi leaning towards females.

I figured it out around age 20. Before that, I was completely in denial. I wish I had figured it out a little earlier. Then again, denial was good during the highschool years at a small school.

Our poor tiger. This kind of thing is both good and bad like you said. At least you know who you are.

Well there's certainly no pressure

If you want to live a non-sexual life on your own I can certainly respect that and further under the right circumstances I can see how that would be very enjoyable.

I knew I was into guys way before I knew there was a word for it. In fact, I would say I am a lot more "bi" now than I was years ago. One reads about guys who think they're straight and then realize they're gay; I can't fathom that having happened to me. I kind of wish I had realized a bit later, because in a way I feel that I don't understand straight people, and my sexuality had always seemed solipsistic and narcissistic to a certain degree.

The sad part is that I was actually doing it before I knew what it was. I had no sex education and had only heard the word homosexual on the radio.

I've liked boys since I was 8 years old and had a small crush on a boy in my class... didn't know what it was until middle school when we had to change for gym class. Come high school, when the other boys started to develop into men, I knew I wasn't straight at all. I was perfectly fine with being bi-sexual up until recently. I've had a girlfriend only twice in my life. Thus far I've avoided deep relationships that would have otherwise prevented me from experimenting with my perceived sexuality (have yet to actually do so). As of recently I have found that my previous conclusion of bi-sexuality might not be entirely accurate and I am now finding that I am afraid of myself. I used to have the exit strategy that so many people hate bi-sexuals for, but now that strategy is slowly deteriorating into nothingness. I used to be able to escape the drama of being gay, but now I'm not so sure.

In light of that, I chose that I am still figuring it out, with no horizon on when the answer to the equation will be found.

It'll get better, dude

It doesn't have to be a drama - being gay, that is. It's the best thing I ever did, embracing it. I've had so much more fun and adventure as a direct result of knowing and being 'gay' (prefering the same sex). I know my life has been an order of magnitude richer just because of the types of people I've met and become friends with as a result. The way it opened my mind to alternatives has also made other aspects of my life much more rewarding in so many ways.

I think you need to divorce the words drama and being gay. Drama occurs whenever you go through significant changes in life, not just sexual awareness. Moving home, changing jobs, family rifts, relationships ending, etc..

It might be more accurate to think the drama is related to the change involved in accepting you're more into guys than women.

Once you accept your sexuality preferences and just get on with enjoying them, the drama won't be about your sexuality, it'll be about the other things that change in your life.

That's very true, being gay is one of the best things that ever happened to me as well.

I had a happy and fulfilling enough life before, but I must say my life after coming out is much more rewarding in nearly every way.

I first realized I was gay in junior high school, in gym class, I found I really liked looking at the guys running around in their shorts. At first I thought that everyone was like that, but then I slowly realized I was different. In my mind, I really did want to be straight, but I really didn't put much effort into actually being straight, I went on a few dates with girls, I kissed one girl and well, nothing. Then I kissed a boy and it was like fireworks and all that jazz and I realized, oh yeah, I'm totally completely gay. I haven't looked back since. Not that it's been easy, but I'm much happier now than when I was 17 and miserable and half in the closet.

Ironically, I played it cool in gym class. I noticed guys in the locker room, but I dismissed it.

personally, I was in high school, first year, so about 12-13 when I started thinking about having sex, with more guys than girls. It when that way for all of the 5 years of high school (wanting to be with guys but still finding girls that I'd want to be with). So from then I kinda realized that I was more bi.

I guess I'm one of those people who has always known. Actually for the better part of my child hood I was convinced that I was actually supposed to have been born a girl and that God had made a mistake somewhere along the line when I popped out as a boy. I remember the little things. Like when we would go shopping for Christmas presents with my uncle, my brother and him would go look at some ridiculous macho kill everything video games and I would sneak into the Barbie aisle. And even then it takes a special kind of 4 year old boy to stand in the Barbie aisle, holding two boxes, having a crisis because he wanted a doll wearing that dress with those shoes.

I never had a problem being different, because to me it wasn't different. To me it was just being who I was. So when I really learned the meaning of the word gay and the connotation that it has I was a lot less "OH MY GOD! That's what I am!" and a lot more "Well I'll be damned, they have a word for it!"

I hope everything works out. I know how that works, I really do. I went through that. Just don't do what I did, which was lock myself in my room for three weeks, only coming out to use the bathroom and to grab food and drink. I lost 10 pounds and was bored out of my mind, but I knew who I was. It still screwed me over a bit.
Anyways, I really do hope that things work out for you.

Without disrupting the original thread topic (I seem to be doing that a lot lately), I should clarify something. If it turns out that I'm gay, I really don't care. In fact I already know that I'll be infinitesimally happier just because I'll have that one huge question off my shoulders. The problem is getting other people to understand why and to not hate me. Of my two best friends, one has already drifted away because of her boyfriend/fiance and the other has gotten a lot closer to me since his girlfriend broke up with him. Both of them are homophobic, the latter being a lot more so.

I'm also pretty sure that my friends here at school have figured it out. You don't go to GSA religiously every Wednesday night, and forget to go to the Residents' Association (of which my roommates and friends all run) almost every Thursday evening and not have them wonder. I'm guessing that my family would be okay too since my sister is hardcore pro-gay-rights, even though she thinks it's ironic that I have every season of QAF and also thinks I joined the GSA just for the hell of it... and my mom has stated that she loves me no matter what and just doesn't want me to be alone -- she doesn't care about grand children. My dad hasn't said anything in that regard but I know he cares.

Thought you invented it, did you?


It's okay, Robbie. In fact I'll give you a standing invitation to hi-jack the threads I create...as long as you talk about something fairly important anyway


May I be frank? (don't worry I'll turn back into Kevin by the end of the post )

I've listened to you question your sexuality for going on three years now, and for the majority of that time I've been desperately hoping for you to work it out and get on with your life. At this point though I honestly don't care if you figure it out or not.

And no, not because I've gotten fed up with it, or because I don't care in general. But because you have gotten on with your life!

You're socializing with all sorts of new people, you're making new friends, you're flirting and having fun, hell you're even seriously considering messing around with your friends -nvm my actual opinion of that, that's irrelevant - the point is you're no longer letting your sexuality, or your lack of knowledge/acceptance about it hold you back! At this point I would like to believe sincerely believe that if the right person came along you would do something about it! Regardless of all the complications that might go along with it.

You've come a very long way, Robbie, and I'm extremely proud of you and happy for you! I honestly don't care if you ever give yourself a label or not. Just as long as you're happy and you don't let your fears hold you back. Whether you ever sit down and decide "I'm gay" just doesn't matter that much.


Dude, it's tough but sometimes you have to say goodbye. At this point, even if you suddenly had an epiphany and decided that you were completely straight, would you really want to have a close friendship with these homophobes? After all the GLBT people you've met? After all the things you've seen and done? Do you really want someone who hates them - even if they don't hate you - to be a major part of your life?

Are you really even closer in the first place with these people than you are with your lesbian friends? with T, R, and C? With the rest of the GSA? With your accepting roommates and their girlfriends? From what I've been hearing it sounds to me like these other people are more important in your life right now. Whereas these other two homophobic friends are just...old habits.


No offense, dude, but I'm pretty sure not only have they, but so has the GSA, your sister, and both your parents.

A little detour about grandkids. I think almost every good parent wants grandkids, at least a little. But I also think that more than they'd like to see grandkids someday, they want their kids to be happy.

Some day I am going to be a parent, no ifs ands or buts about it, and I want a lot of things for my child not least of which is children of their own. However, as a parent the only thing I need for my son(s) or daughter(s) to have is a general sense of being happy, safe, and loved. Beyond that none of the other things really matter. I also want my child to know this and to flat out make decisions that are the best for him/her and not for me.

Anyway, being gay really has nothing to with having kids. If you want kids strongly enough you'll have them one way or another, and if you don't want them that strongly...then you probably shouldn't have them in the first place.

Take care, my friend
Frank
Kevin

Kevin, you are definitely right about labels. I don't let anyone else define me. I am me, and people can think what they want. I have explained my sexuality the best I can. What is the appropriate label? There isn't one. That is the conclusion I have made. If people don't like it, I really don't care. The important thing is what I think of myself. If others can't accept me for who I am, they have problems. I have struggled with the labels for some time now, so I understand where Robbie is coming from.

Damnit Frank, I wanted to stop thread-jacking, but your nurturing it!

When you're close friends with someone for damn near 12 years, it's hard to let go. He was one of the first neighborhood boys to talk to me and make friends with me when I first moved to Jersey from Florida. He and I share hobbies (cars, computers, snowboarding) and always have something do do together. I will say this though, ever since he started dating that whore, I've been getting more and more sick of him. He's weak, even though he's in the Navy, and bowed to her wishes every second of every day and with every penny he ever earned. She broke up with him because he wasn't paying her enough attention. I was proud of him for calling her a bitch, but he still has feelings for her, which is really sad. Given all that, I still can't just drop him like a bad habit, even though his morals are 100% driven by his Roman Catholic upbringing.

Supplement that with the fact that, after this coming May, I won't see those other people anymore. I'll see a couple of the them a few times over the summer since we have a class together then, but the rest will pretty much disappear. Two of the gay ones are going to CA, who knows about the other. My time will be spent in North/Central NJ.

Frank/Kevin (Frevin?) you can PM your thoughts about the "other things" I'm willing to do with those friends since I do have a very good reason for doing them with them, and not someone who isn't a close friend.

I would say around 13 or so, I realized Id rather look at a guy then a girl, but I thought I was bi, Later on at the age of 18 that I just like guys.

But Like Keviners and others has said, gay doesn't define me, I will bring it up and give my pov sicne I might see things differently, if that makes sense.

Well I was 11 when I realized I wasn’t just different but different in that very specific way. As others have said it was gym class, but for me it was before middle school had even started, I knew it was coming and what it could mean. I knew it only in a negative context, so it wasn’t cool. I wasn’t exactly in denial I couldn’t lie to myself, just everyone else; so it was more like suppressing and hiding. So I definitely wish it had been later, when I might have been able to handle it.

5 is the farthest back I could remember being *gay*.
14 is when I started to get off on gay porn.
15 is when I realized the possiblity when I had a little crush.
17 is when I accepted it for good­.

Jack, you are so lucky. I don't think I knew what the word gay meant when I was 5. As for porn, I started with straight at around 13. Anyway, I don't even think I really looked at gay porn until I reached adulthood. I was deeply in denial for a long time.

I started with gay porn when I was 12. I kinda got 'bored' with straight porn, and wanted to explore...(that's the reason I gave myself at that time!!)

Have been hooked ever since!!

Memory...memory...of right now. I can recall things that are *gay* before I realized it.


Though my boyfriend knew what it meant at five. He knew all the long. :s

Oh boy. Well, me...I guess I should have voted the 10-13, but I voted 14-17.

When I was 8 I had a crush on a girl. I even got her into my room alone once! But we didn't do anything...
So I was normal. Yay.
Well, I knew I wasn't completely normal (I wore skirts), but I didn't attatch it to my sexuality, come on, I was 8.
By the time I was 11 I knew something was up, I wasn't as excited about girls as my friends.
Then when I was 12 I fell hard for a boy in my class. He was so beautiful... I knew then why I was different, but since I did like girls I forced myself to be straight. You know, straight porn, crushing on girls... all that. I even printed some straight porn and brought it to school (and passed it around) because I thought it would make me more straight. I didn't want to be different.
[enter high school] I crushed on another boy, but spent two years denying it. Then I fell for a different guy, and finally admitted it at age...16. I was bi and in the closet.. I asked him out even, though he said no. I did date a girl, for 5 months.
I came out at 17 to my friends. To my parents, it was 2 days before I graduated thus 5 days before I turned 18. There was a fight about how they found out...but that is another story.

So by my boring recollections, I figured it out at 11/12 but didn't come to terms until I was 16.

sorry, but since I couldn't get myself to believe I liked guys too...well, maybe just like guys(I seem to be working my way toward just guys ...till I was 32, it just struck me as funny that you say you were deeply in denial...On the other hand, you only dig a well as deep as the water table

At least we both found our own truth

Hugs,
Tom

And now that you're out, you're loving every moment of it. I'm happy that you're out to, tiger.
Anyways, like others have said, I don't like titles either. I prefer, opened minded to the possibilities. Though I think I'm ruined for guys due to my last boyfriend. May you rest in peace, Alex. November 26, 2006.

Well, I just hope you find the right person, Rose. Whether man or woman, the one is the other half of your soul. I hope never never give up on finding her (or him).

ah! to be totally honest, the first time that I've looked at porn on the computer was for gay porn. The times that I've seen straight porn, well I was more occupied at eyeing the nice naked guy than the naked girl,

I actually started with straight porn and lesbian porn (which does nothing for me). Anyway, I defnitely prefer gay porn and concentrate more on the men in straight porn.

I cant nail down my exact age, but it was sometime between 6-8. I knew the word because my mom told me about her sister who's a lesbian and what that meant and I realized that, yeah, I was gay too. I definately remember being in the shower and thinking that I was too young to believe I was gay.

Awww

Well at least you didn't think you were a lesbian.

Thanks dear. I hope so to. But for now, I'm happy just relaxing and what not.

They say it happens when you're not looking.

Dang! Then I should definitely stop!

They do say that, but then they also say that you need to get out there and mingle and give it a shot. Half the time people are likely to be telling you to forget about it and let it happen the other half they're likely to be telling you to quit sitting around complaining and go meet people.

I think what it all really comes down to is being social and open to the idea of being in a relationship without being desperate and trying too hard or taking the first thing that comes along.

Ya gotta walk the line, lol

I'm sure you'll make it though

-Kevin

Thanks Kevin... your advice never fails to make an impact on me.