So this is actually something I posted in my blog, then decided I'd pose it more generally to everyone else as well.

I hope this question will give you something to think about and perhaps help you gain some additional insight. I'm curious to know your thoughts, but at this point it comes down more to a thoughtful, philosophical pondering than any sort of desperate need or want to actually know.

So the question is:

Why take a life partner?

Considering that I've just spent the better part of the last hour and a half contemplating this, I don't particularly think I'll hear very many things I haven't already considered. I'll probably hear some, but unless you go for something really deep and out there, I've probably already considered it. Nevertheless, as I said, I'm curious about your responses and I hope you get something out of it - be you single or partnered already - so I hope you'll indulge me.

I also want to encourage you to evaluate this question without a bias. Without the innate assumption that in the end you must support one position or the other. Please, take a fresh look.

-Kevin

Let's see, why take a life partner, huh? In my own way, I would want a life partner because not only do they know you, but you could trust them with everything. Or at least I hope you would.
That person would be there for you, as you would be for them. Even when you argue, there will always be a way to fix it. That person will be one of the most important person to you as you would be to them. Yes there is the chance at getting hurt, but it would be worth it, having that love, friendship and trust in your life.
That's my opinon though.

Kevin, you know that Doug and I are life partners. Why? Because we are totally in love with each other, we are each other's best friend, we love being together even just being in the same room doing separate things, sleeping together (and I mean sleeping, the eyes-are-closed and we-are-both-asleep kind), eating together, going to the movies or a show together, playing tennis together, walking around town together, hiking together, doing the laundry together, studying together, helping each other, laughing together, holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, knowing what each of us is about to say and not having to complete the sentence, going to football games together (Doug's not a fan, I am), going to jazz concerts together (Doug's a big jazz fan, I'm not), laughing at a funny comic strip and showing it to the other and having him laugh too, Doug makes me happy and he says I make him happy, just sitting and looking -- really looking -- at each other for a long time, kissing, being in love together.

That's maybe almost 1% of the reasons. But the two that I think are the most important are:

1. Being in love with each other.
2. Being each other's best friend.

Colin

To me, that special person is the first person you see when you wake up and the last you see before you go to sleep. He (or she) makes you feel truly alive. Through the good times and the bad, your life partner can stand beside you. The ideal life partner makes you feel complete.

Because Disney screwed me up. The whole "happily ever after" cliché is so deeply ingrained in my head and heart that I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without a significant other.

Taking a life partner means we'll be able to support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose in each of our lives. It means not returning to an empty home, and it means that I won't have to be afraid of growing old alone.

It's also about having a witness to my life: The good things. The terrible things. The boring things. All of it. All the time. Everyday. I'm saying that my life will not go unnoticed because my partner will be my witness. I hope that made sense

tracy

I hope it's okay that I'll comment on what you guys have said. That almost feels inappropriate since this is so clearly such a personal thing, and since there is no universal right or wrong. Obviously what each of you has said is your own undeniable reason and what I think of it is completely and utterly inconsequential. Nevertheless, my reactions:


Unfortunately these were all the things I had dismissed as being unsatisfactory reasons for me. The whole first person/last person thing was actually exactly a thought I considered and decided it was something I had mild negative associations with as opposed to positive ones. The whole "makes you feel complete" thing is actually the banner I tend to wave about how I don't want my relationship to be.

As I said, I'm completely behind your idea for yourself, and if that's your concept then it's indisputably correct, but I can safely say that these would personally be the least satisfying or compelling reasons for me to take a life partner.


That's exactly the sort of honesty I was looking for! Of course, even more than what I said above, it's the worst possible reason for me to take a lover. Doing the conventional, "it's what you're supposed to do" thing, is completely off my radar, and if anything more likely something I would actively avoid than embrace.


This one is much more satisfying to me. Much more likely something I could fathom and want. It's a bit frightening of course, but then I somehow think it's supposed to be. It actually perfectly brings up the second part of my question...or my next question...whatever. Anyway, I'm not ready to be distracted from this one just yet so I'll refrain from posing it just yet.

Again, great! In fact, once again it's still very much in line with what originally started me down this contemplative path and what I'll eventually move on to discussing with you guys (if you're still willing to weigh in that is ), once I'm done absorbing this one.


I really like these points. They're so compelling, so practical. They're certainly not the exciting reasons you hear, but they'd most definitely need to be a part of the equation as far as I was concerned.

With one exception that is, once again I personally don't like the whole "build purpose in each other's lives" thing. It's just something I personally find distasteful. I would hate to need completing, or need any outside purpose from anyone, and I'd be a bit overwhelmed at my partner's need for me to provide that for them. It would strike me as perhaps resulting in me wielding more influence and power over them than is healthy. As I said, just my reaction though.




And this one does it. Completely compelling, exactly the ideal I was thinking of. A love based on mutual want, desire, companionship, trust, and affection. And that summation probably doesn't even come close to doing it justice. Anyway, thank you, Colin, that's definitely the most personally enticing and compelling description I'd heard or been able to come up with on my own.


Anyway, as I said, I hope no one minds that I commented on my reactions to your thoughts and reasons. Once again let me emphasize that I respect and admire each person's thoughts and reasons equally, and I couldn't possibly be persuaded to think that there was a right or wrong concept of love, especially in terms of personal meaning. I just wanted to express how these comments personally made me feel and how similar or dissimilar they were from my own thoughts on the matter.

Thank you very much to everyone who has thus participated in the discussion. I'm honoured that you shared such thoughts with us

-Kevin

I'm glad that I could help, even if it is just a smidgeon. I rather like this thread and I'm glad that you posted it, Kevin.
Now, as to your reactions, they are yours and you worded them in such a way that I doubt anyone could take any amout of insult from them.
All of the posts that I have read are insightful in their own right and make you think about the reasons why we look for a life partner and what we want with that life partner.
If anything we are looking for some one to share our lives with, thus, Life Partner. We want that one person who will be there to hold your hand if you need it, and who will let you hold their hand when they need it. We are looking for that person, who fits us and fits who we are without having to change the good and the bad that makes us, us.
Kevin, once more, wonderful thread. I hope that I can continue to read such wonderful threads from you in the future.

Do I need to add anything after that? Or, how can I add anything to it after that??

You expressed what I had in mind in a way that I could have never been able to.

I comment on your blog, but I figure I'd post it here as well.


I'm going to answer your question with one of my own Kevin...

Why not take a Life Partner?

And if you come up with more answers for this one then the other, we'll then there is your answer...
Deep enough for you? haha Prob not.


But really I'm sure you've heard this before, but I'm saying it anyway.

I'd want a Life Partner, because of the fact that I don't have much people who are really to close to me. At least this way I'd know there was at least one person out there who loves me. And really loves me for me, and not what I have or who I am. =D

Hope that helps, take care Kev.

Who else would you have to memorize the smell of your fart? Your mother? NO!

Rad

I agree with that and with Colin's, who you are can big a reason to love they how they act humor etc.

I think also to look past our faults, have some common interst, although I can get along with friends or other people that we are opposites.

Why take a life partner ?

hum I really took the time to think about it before answering.

I guess people are looking to find that special someone who will like them for their qualities and love them for their flaws. we want to find that person that will cherish us and who we can cherish as well.

is it necessary to find or to have a life partner ? Not at all as long as you're happy with that... though it's always nice to know you have someone by your side who will protect, stay and love you and only expects the same

And why take a partner ? To evolve as a person by sharing experience with them. You can do it by yourself as well but having someone to help you on that path is always appreciated... you always grow with the help of someone be it a friend, a family member or a coworker so why not add a partner into the lot ?

And why did I take a partner ? To grow as a person and to make him grow as well. to love that person with all my heart and be loved , allowing him into my heart and loving me inside out and doing the same... So far it works for us

Jason aka Moonwolf

Why take a life partner?

I'd turn that question around and ask why do you want a life partner?

The answer will be different for almost everyone you ask. Therefore you're not going to get any one answer that is right for you.

Is it something you want to do? If yes then don't question the reasons why. Just go with the flow.

For me it just worked. We didn't spend all our time together because we each valued our time alone without feeling lonely. We didn't do it to have someone to go places with or do things with. We each had our own set of friends that we did that kind of stuff with. We didn't need each other as a rock to lean on for support because we were each strong enough in our own right that we didn't need that. It wasn't a matter of having someone in whom you could entrust your deepest secrets to. We each had at least one good friend who fit that description. Our lives were complete even without each other.

So why have a life partner if your life is already complete? Ultimately I don't know why. All I know is there was some indefinable something that drew us together and we were happier as a result of it.

For me, a lot of it is stability. I like my world to stay the same.

I also feel like my OTL completes me. I can't imagine not having him around, to talk about stuff, to snuggle, or just to be ignoring each other in the same room while we're both playing different computer games. Even after 16something years, I still can't sleep well if he's not home.

It was never a conscious choice for me, it's just the way it is.

I'll go with the 'I don't want a life partner' option. How boring to be with the same person until you die. I might end up with one, either because I fall in love and really is all that it's made out to be (which I doubt) or out of convenience. I'm not actively against them, I just don't seek one out.

Menzo

I don't think you can (or should!) seek out a life partner. It has to be something that happens between two people after they get o know each other and learn about each other and fall in love with each other.

Colin

I think that nobody can sum up better than that.

Why take a life partner? 'cause you want someone close to you, someone that can be there for you everyday. You want to get back home after a long painful day at work and still having someone there who might have prepared dinner for you, or at least feel a comforting presence with you.

Best friends will always be there for you, but sometimes you need someone more available...

Why take a life partner?

Take them where?

It's not like you really get to choose your life partner / spouse -- at least in my opinion. It's more like you look up and -- bam! -- there (s)he is and you go... oh wow! This can be a slow process that takes years or it can happen overnight. Each of us is different. Each partnership is different. With that in mind, I think that a person's significant other is significant for a reason... they somehow compliment or complete something in that person that may or may not be recognized by either party.

I don't believe in happy-ever-afters. I do believe in hard-work-ever-afters. A good relationship takes work -- ANY relationship -- even that one you have with the co-worker you hate!

meh -- I've probably not made any sense... but that's ok... love doesn't make sense... then again neither does hate. Interesting that.

Those are some excellent points! All relationships take work. Fairy tales are just that. Real life relationships (and not just romantic ones) take hard work, communication, compromise, and trust if they are to be successful.

Yeah, I agree, 'taking' a life partner sounds a bit like dragging him or her to your cave by the hair. It happens or it doesn't happen, and if it does happen it certainly takes a lot of work, or else it can get very, very painful. But it's also a wonderful thing for those who are lucky enough to experience it.

There's a great poem by Wislawa Szymborska that -- ah, I was going to say it illustrates this, but really I guess it doesn't, it's just great :

True Love

True love. Is it normal
is it serious, is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions but convinced
it had to happen this way - in reward for what?
For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake?
Listen to them laughing - its an insult.
The language they use - deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines -
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!

It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? What renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

.......great poem!!

It sounds rather like being hit by a bus.


So several people have commented on my word choice. I did phrase it like that for a reason. I could have said:

What's the point of a life partner?

But that wouldn't exactly express what I had in mind. I'm well aware of the objective benefits (and costs) of having a permanent mate. I was looking for personal reasons why people here enjoy or would enjoy such a relationship.

I might have said:

Why have a life partner?

But that implies more passivity in the situation than I wanted to express. That's inviting people who have them already to sit there and justify why they should have this person in their life.

That's sort of like asking, why should you have the particular car that you drive?

Approached from that angle people are likely to justify their situation. Well it gets good gas mileage. It was the most economical choice at the time. It's easy to park. etc.

Those are fine reasons, but they all operate under the assumption that the status quo is more or less going to be maintained. Again I was going more for personal and active reasons for wanting this situation.

I'm well aware that saying, "Ok, now I'm going to take a life partner" won't immediately precede running out and selecting the most appropriate candidate. I know you can't make someone love you, and I know you can't really chose whom you love or why. But the question didn't really have anything to do with "having" or "getting" a life partner, only with the emotion behind coming to the decision that one might be nice to have.

I also agree that while very often if/when that special person comes along they may indeed take you by surprise, but I disagree that all this requires is standing there waiting. I think it necessitates at least being open to the idea of a partner. Of at least thinking I may want to share my life with someone. If you're completely closed off to the idea it isn't going to happen regardless of how ideally suited you might be with the person. If I'm just not going to ask him out, or be receptive to his advances, it just ain't happening.

I suppose part of this difference in perception, is that most people likely grow up thinking it's the way it's supposed to work. Even if they're not necessarily actively looking, or actively thinking it will happen to them there's probably still this thought in the back of their mind that someday Mr or Mrs right may come along and if he/she does then they'll go from there.

For my part I try very very hard to live my life without any preconceived constructs of how things ought to be. When I catch myself mindlessly following a social mindset about something I try very hard to stop and analyze if it's really something I want to be motivated by. It doesn't matter how ridiculous it is, like "why shouldn't I walk away from my life with nothing but the clothes on my back and just stand at an intersection and try to beg enough money for food every day?" I've concluded that this isn't something that would make me happy, but I'd be completely ashamed of myself if I were only not doing it because it's socially frowned on and people aren't raised to view it as a viable option.

Anyway, basically I just hate to blindly follow the status quo in any matter. I've tried to completely destroy all my ideas about life, religion, morality, philosophy, knowledge, and perception, and then rebuild them according to how I personally think, feel, and reason. I'm not advocating this approach by any means, it doesn't normally work that way for a reason (too much energy involved and potentially dangerous results), but for me personally it's important to know that I don't think or feel something because I've been told, taught, indoctrinated, or subliminally conditioned to think or feel that way. I also know that I still have a long way to go in this regard, that I haven't succeeded in destroying and rebuilding all these notions, but I'm working on it and the results are very satisfying and fulfilling.

The concept of a mate is something which exists in all cultures across time and also appears in the animal world...but 'univeral' or not it doesn't mean I want to assume that I should follow (or be opening to following) this path as well.

In this case I am open to the idea of a life partner. I've concluded that it's very far behind other life goals, like having children for example, and that I shall probably be just fine without a life partner. But I've decided that if the right person comes along I'll be open to the idea of something developing, and that perhaps as the mood strikes me I may actively look into finding one or pursuing something with someone. I think this is a prerequisite to having a life partner.

Just my thoughts, and even if they don't make sense or seem relevant to anyone, I'm grateful for having expounded on them.

Take care all and have a great day
(assuming you've decided that being well and enjoying your day are worthwhile things for you to experience)
-Kevin

Kevin, it is not about following society's rules. If there is someone who makes you feel happy and complete then why deny yourself of that person's love? Besides, if we wanted to follow society's rules we would pretend to be straight, get married, and have lots of children with our wives. Some have done that, and it was because they were trying to passify society's wishes. But to say that you don't want someone to love just because you see that as something society wants is rather short-sited in my opinion. I rarely disagree, but this time I do. Don't deny yourself of love if you find it, Kev.

Interestingly, the part of the question that I had the most problem with wasn't the 'take' but the 'life'.

I know that while I'm very introverted, I like being with people. I'm not a good solitary person. So, for me, I'm most comfortable being with someone. Naturally, the more I know a person, the more I'm comfortable with them, and hence having a partner that I spend a lot of time with is good for me.

However, while I may wish to spend my life with that person, I can't say I'm going to stay the same person the whole of my life, or that they will stay the same person the whole of their life. I can hope that as we change (and I know we'll change) that we continue to be compatible and comfortable with each other, but I can't guarantee it. Hence, I'm uncomfortable with the term 'life partner'. It's an ideal, not a straitjacket.

The other reasons for a partner have already been mentioned -- sharing, mutual comfort, support in times of need... essentially a reliable person in my life that I can depend on.

Hopefully, I'm the same for them, but their needs may be different.

I've got a friend who is around my age, but is still single. His last serious relationship (that I'm aware of) was more then ten years ago. However, he's very much self-contained. He doesn't need someone else. He's comfortable being a solitary person, though he's quite open to a relationship if one develops. He just doesn't need it.

Can feel like it, too.

Sorry to mislead you, Tim. I definitely agree that it would be short sighted and just stupid to avoid something simply because society teaches it as an ideal. I'm certainly not going to be a contrarian simply for the sake of doing it. I just meant that I similarly wasn't going to be a conformist simply for the sake of doing it.

In this case, having considered the matter (the point was mostly to consider it in the first place), I've decided the possibility is something I'm open to, and will likely (continue) to actively pursue.


Well for me 'life' is the part that goes without saying, is so much as, I'd be even less likely to give much thought to having a string of temporary partners. I mean I suppose that's a viable long-term option, but it doesn't really require very much effort or commitment, so it's a less serious thing - in my opinion - to carefully ponder.


I think I'm actually the exact opposite. Extroverted, but a natural, skilled, and happy loner.


That's an excellent point, and at some point I agree that it's important to remember you don't have to stay. Indeed there are several things in a relationship that I would consider to be immediate, and permanent deal-breakers, but while it is an ideal and not a straitjacket, I guess what I was wondering is whether or not I should even invest in the ideal. Or instead either throw my hands up in the air and enter a never-ending string of casual (or semi-casual) relationships, or just swear off romance and dating all together (or maybe take the two in turn).

Again, the question wasn't really "Why stay with a (life) partner", but simply why buy into the idea of having one.


That's sort of where I see myself, only not quite to the same extent. I do occasionally actively date and I purposely put myself in situations where romance and dating can pop up, but I definitely don't see it as a big priority or consuming need.


I would expect nothing less.


Anyway, thanks for the comments everyone! As I said I have decide to be open to the idea. In fact I'd decided that even before starting the thread. I guess I just wanted (and still want) your opinions on why this is something you want/do/would want.

Take care all
Kevin

I must have misunderstood. There are some who hold the contrarian ideology. I thought maybe you had been burned in the past. Truth be told, most people have been hurt in some point in life. Eventually, you just have to suck it up and move on. That is all you can really do.