I've posted my first story to GA eFiction and am hoping to get some feedback from you all. It's called (as this thread title reveals) 'Who You Are to Me' and I'll confess to being somewhat naive about publicly posting stories. What I'm thinking doesn't always properly communicate itself to the Word document.

All reviews are welcome - and please... if you have any constructive criticism, be generous with it! There are tons of authors on GA that I admire and I would love any advice to make me a better writer!

Thanks in advance!

You can find the story here: http://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=612

I liked it, Dion, until the end.

You've got a nice, easy-reading style and you've conveyed emotions and little touches well. Like Randolph's flicker of emotion when Cameron thanked him as he was leaving, and the slightly threadbare towels (I've been in enough hotels to know exactly how that is ).

What I didn't like was the ending. You indicated that this is a short story, but the ending was more like it's going to continue into a longer story. Is it a short story or not? If it's a short story, you need a stronger finish. If it's the start of a serialised story, then the ending is fine.

Keep writing!

Ah - endings are my weak spot. I can come up with a story idea, write it out no problem, but when it comes time to roll it all together...

Yeah, I kinda suck at that.

You're not the first person to tell me it reads like part of something longer. Thanks for the advice!

I just came to read your story now.
I like it very much, you write as you are, hidden ! I'm sure you have passion in you, but you are afraid to let it go. The story, with some exceptions when you describe the feelings of Cameron, could be a report of the "case" brought by a third person, for instance by Randolph .
Now you have to write a sequel, about how Cameron will greeve, come to a better mood and live new adventures. Just an advice : write it as a third person, it suits better to your style. And put more of your own life in the new story.
BTW, it seems that you are skilled in writing. Does it come from your business work ?
I would like to read another story from you very soon.
Take care, dont be afraid of readers. Even if you get only a few reviews or comments, your story will be worth reading.
Good luck.
Old bob

Thank you for reviewing, old bob.

I've actually given the idea of a sequel considerable thought. I have the kernel of a story germinating but, then again, I always have stories on the go. It's finishing them I have troubles with!

I really have very little experience with writing. My work doesn't require me to write - at least, not like this. I have difficulty carrying on an intelligible conversation in real life so most of what I want to say goes into a Word document, thereby giving the illusion that I can actually talk. In real life I speak in 'cavemanese' like the character in Kevin's BMAD story.