Ok, so this will probably sound like a lot of rambling but I'm going to try and make a coherent thread.

Essentially, I'm a 16 year old male and have (what I like to think [sometimes]) fallen in love with one of my best friends, who is also a male.

It just started as a crush, hanging around him a lot and whatnot and eventually I started to get attracted to his personality.

A crush turned into love over the course of a few months..

I know I'm just rambling, I'm not very good at talking about this at all.

Over the couse of these months he was definitley flirting with me a lot. He would lay on me, play with my ears, play with my hands. But then the next day or couple days later it'd be like the complete opposite.

Somedays people would think we're boyfriends and then the next day its almost like he just keeps me around to pick on me.

It's really dumb, going through 3-4 months of mixed signals and I don't know what to do.

I don't think I'll ever have enough courage to confront him about it and ask if hes gay or something like that, and if I did I would be deathly afraid of the possibility of rejection/humiliation if he was straight.

One day I was sitting on a love seat (two person couch) and theres 4 other places with room to sit and no one sitting there, but he comes over and sits by me and puts his arm around me.

Two days later hes sitting on a couch and I go to sit by him and he makes a remark about how theres other seats for me to sit in, then when we were in a car together in the backseat my leg was touching his and he told me to move my leg.

I'm really tired of all this, I can't ever tell what he wants or likes. I'm constantly depressed everyday because I think about him all the time and want a relationship to work but start crying at the possibility of nothing happening, and the fear of not being with him.

To make matters worse, I had a dream that he had his arm around me as we were watching a sunset, he leans over and tells me he loves me and kisses me on the forehead. I'm seriously crying just thinking about it. When I woke up from the dream I wanted to die because it wasnt real, it was one of the worst feelings in the world.

Anybody have any thoughts? It'd be appreciated. I recently told two of my close friends who are girls about it and they are supporting me but really don't have any advice for me.

Thanks

Hey dude,

Well I'm pretty sure I have a good guess about what his problem is.

He's conflicted about his sexuality/feelings. Let's run through the possible scenarios real quick:

-He's gay/bi and doesn't know it or is still coming to terms with it internally.

In this case he's completely confused about his feelings and in all likelihood one day he just doesn't worry about it and does what feels right, on the next day he feels depressed/confused/upset about it and acts standoffish, or even homophobic about it as a way to compensate.

-He's gay/bi and does know it but isn't ready for anyone else to.

In this case he goes back and forth because he doesn't want people to figure out and he wants to be able to publicly deny it if necessary.

-He's straight

He cares about you a lot as a friend and feels close to you. He thus wants to express affection but he's getting a lot of mixed messages socially and it's screwing with his head. I believe that without all the social pressure most (straight) teen boys would behave at least somewhat similarly to their (straight) teen girl counterparts with their friends. In other words they would be openly affectionate sometimes. Society doesn't really let them though.

In any case it sounds like he's the one who is unsure of his feelings and/or how to align them with his behaviour.

It doesn't make him a bad person at all, it makes him very normal actually. It totally sucks for you though, and I'm really sorry. I am really proud of you for working out your own feelings and being so mature about all of this.

Unfortunately my only advice is to kinda keep doing what you've been doing and give him time to work out how he feels and what he wants. You should also keep in mind a few things about how he's likely to respond. It'll be much easier for him to be affectionate when the two of you are alone than when you're with other people, and when it feels 'natural' versus contrived. At this stage you probably can't expect too much out of him in public, and you should be careful not to embarrass him or put him in an awkward situation if he's still working all this stuff out. By the same token don't become standoffish yourself and try not to resent him. In other words, like I said, keep doing what you're doing.

The only proactive advice I can offer is probably going to scare you (and perhaps rightly so) if you feel ready you could come out to him (just about being gay, not necessarily about your feelings for him). That way he would at least know that you are an option if he does feel the same way. It's possible that he is afraid of rejection from you and occasionally tries to keep you at arm's length as a way to minimize the pain if that happened.

Alternatively you could gradually work up to telling him you're gay by generally discussing sexuality issues in a mature, positive way. Basically let him know you're not homophobic. The risk is he'll probably start speculating about your sexuality, but by the same token that'll be a slight plus since perhaps you should drop him hints like that. Either way it'll let him know that he doesn't have to act homophobic around you which will help him a lot if he's gay and knows it, will probably help him in the long run if he's gay and coming to terms with it, and will even help him if he's straight and worried about properly expressing affection.

Eventually if it seems natural and comfortable you might want to start non-aggressively, gently inquiring about his sexuality. If he knows and trusts you he might tell you. If he doesn't know it might make him confront it (which is also a plus).

So yeah, my basic advice is to just 'hang in there', try to understand where's he coming from, and perhaps gently and gradually work your way up to talking to him about these things in discrete, non-threatening ways.

I really hope this works, and I definitely hope for your sake that he is gay and comes to terms with it soon

Good luck, man, and take care!
-Kevin

Thank you so much for your reply, it really means a lot. You have no clue how many dead forums I tried posting this on before I finally came across one with active members.

Another thing I forgot to mention while writing all of this, but remembered it when you mentioned how he acts in public..Depending on the friends were around he treats me differently too, which I'm not sure why. But it sucks because I can never stay mad at him for more than an hour, and always end up apologizing for getting mad or going off on him for treating me like shit.

Another story,

A few weeks ago myself, him, and this couple went on a trip for two days to an amusement park. We ended up staying in a hotel with two beds and of course, the couple slept together so we did too.
It was incredibly awkward because beforehand he was like, we're going to make a line right now - you dont come on my side, and I wont come on yours. This of course completely made me feel like shit because at that point I was certain he was straight and nothing would ever happen. But a week later we were in the backseat of a car again, its dark out, he leans on me and starts messing with my ear and almost holding my hand.

I know he has only had one girlfriend in his life (hes 19, they went out when he was 17 for about a month). I didn't have these feelings for him at that time, but now just thinking about her makes me feel really jealous. I also remember his sister mentioning to me one time "He never has a girlfriend, at times we think he might be gay but dont tell him I told you" She doesn't know that I have these feelings for him but hearing that made me feel good for some reason.

I'm going to try and take your advice and bring up talk about sexuality and his orientation and homophobia. But I'm not sure of anyway to ease that into a conversation rather than being so blunt about it. Any ideas?

Thanks

Glad to help, dude. I expect you'll get a lot more replies in the next couple of days as more people read this as well


It may have something to do with how he thinks these friends will react. Some might seem 'safer' than others.


Yeah that does suck

It's tough to stay mad at someone you care about and it's really rough if they don't treat you right.



Yeah, that does sound like a good sign then.


A few...

Do you guys know any gay or lesbian people? Especially couples? It's much easier to bring them up, especially if you see them somewhere or can just bring them up in the context of another conversation. Like maybe a gay guy works at Old Navy or something so if you're talking about Old Navy you can bring the guy up, get his reaction, and then say what you think. (or say what you think, then get his reaction). But yeah, the best way as far as it seeming like a natural conversation and not blunt or forced is if you can bring up a gay or lesbian person you both know anyway in a fairly normal way.

It's also easy nowadays given how prevalent gay issues and culture are becoming. For example right now is the 'Pride' time of the year. I don't know how much your area celebrates or if it's notable at all, but if Pride does come up on TV or the newspaper or something and you're alone then that would be a fairly good, natural way to start a conversation. Obviously you could do this with all sorts of things, the gay marriage debate going on in California, a gay singer/actor, even a homophobic protest or group. That might actually be the best, since it's easy to say casually 'I don't know why people can't just leave each other alone and accept others the way they are' or something like that. But yeah there are lots of opportunities in everyday culture if you look for them.

Another option that would be more daring would be calling him out if he made a homophobic remark or response. Like going back to your example earlier if you sit by him on the couch and he brings that up, you could say "What's the big deal?" If he responds something like, "That's gay"...well there's a good opening to talk about it too. That's more confrontational though and more likely to embarrass him or make him mad, but it's also one of the most direct routes, so just tread carefully if you do that.

Good luck
-Kevin

Thanks I'll be sure to update this thread with how some of this stuff goes.

I've been leaving this one to the experts (I'm a long way past my teen years), but there was one piece of information you've added that may be relevant -- his age.

You're listed as 16, which makes him about three years older than you. If he does have feelings for you, he's also probably aware that you're legally a minor, and he has to keep distancing himself because of that. I'm not saying that that is the case, but if he's gay/bi, he may realise he has to be very careful or be accused of being a pedophile. If that's the case, unless you come out to him, or he comes out to you, you may not see any change until you turn 18.

Just a possibility that you should be aware of.

Ugh, wow I didn't even think of that - usually I only think of those kind of things in straight relationships.

Maybe if something ever eventually works out he'll realize how much I care for him and that'd he'd be safe.

Well, dude, depending on where you are the age thing isn't an issue. It's only three years. Sixteen is the age of consent in a lot of states, and in a lot there's some variant of the law stating that if the couple is no more than four years apart then it's not statutory anyway...

The one big thing is that if he's jerking you around and being a prick sometimes, and a nice guy sometimes... well he's not really worth it, is he? Think about the type of people who do that kind of thing. Those are the same people that hold up food to a dog and then snatch it away and laugh about it. They're mean to other people, for whatever reason, and it's just not cool no matter what random issues one might be dealing with on the inside.

I'm just saying that you shouldn't let him have so much sway over you. Your happiness shouldn't depend on him being nice to you, and when he's mean to you then you shouldn't be so confused about how to react. Nobody deserves to be yanked around constantly.

Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel about it. One minute he's a great guy, all sweet and caring, and then the next he's a total jackass. Ask him why he does it. Tell him that you're not going to be putting up with all the jackass moments just for a few of the sweet ones.

I understand that other people do have issues and they act weird sometimes, but you have to put your own well-being first. You don't need to be involved in a situation like that, darlin'.

Hi mate...

Going through a similar situation, I can understand how you feel like.

Another option that can be considered is that he may be straight, but one of those guys who likes contact...

I like Kevin's idea about talking to him about homosexuality and his opinion on the topic. If he is accepting, you could come out to him (depending on whether you trust him with it or not.)

I wish you best, mate...
BeaStKid

So today sucked a lot..

Started off with me going over to a friends house and him being there too. We went to there basement and played pool with the 2 other people there.

Whenever he would walk by me he would run his hand through my hair, I did it to him once and he smiled - that made me feel good.

But then, he patted me on the back and kinda rubbed my back. I did the same thing to him and he told me to stop.

A few hours later, he asked one of my friends there to rub his back, the friend didn't - but it made me feel really jealous.

Then we had planned to go back to his house tonight and watch a movie, all day I had been planning how I would sit by him and cuddle with him while we watched the movie. But as soon as we left our friends house he told me he didn't want me to come over tonight and dropped me off at my house.

I have no clue what to do anymore, I'm tired of being patient but I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to confront him about it, tell him how I feel or even that I'm gay.

f**king hate life

/hashbrowns

Oh man! That sucks! I'm so sorry

Maybe you need some space from him. Try distancing yourself for a week or so, just to be with other friends and think and get some perspective.

He's hot and cold and totally jerking you around, and from how it sounds (I don't know for sure), he's doing it because A) he can. He senses that you like him and you're younger and it makes him feel powerful and is an ego boost. this was mentioned before, but he does like you, but if unsure how to proceed or hasn't accepted himself or the age difference C) He likes messing with people in general, for shits and giggles.

Since you can never stay mad at him for long or he manages to get on your good side again by being super sweet, it kinda reminds me of an abusive relationship. I know this isn't the case, but the fact that his moods/behavior shifts back and forth. It's like emotional abuse and I don't know you, but I really feel for you! So I think you should kinda distance yourself for a bit, let him come to you, and then you can tell him straight up--"Dude, why are you being such a F**king asshole? Stop treating me like this and decide if our friendship is real or not!"

I mean the fact that you had plans to hang out and watch a movie, but then he suddenly changes his mind and drops you off home has got to suck. If one of my friends did that, even if I didn't have a crush on them, I'd still be mad pissed and upset. So I can imagine it's worse when you have feelings for him.

I have real issues with people taking advantage of nice people, or stomping on their feelings so carelessly, so I apologize if this post comes off a bit angry. It just doesn't seem fair or right and although I don't know you, you shouldn't be dealing with that crap. You're 16! Hang out with friends who you don't have emotional turmoil with and have FUN!

Just my thoughts.

I don't know if this helps or not, because I don't think 'votes' count in a situation like this, but...
everything Tiff just wrote I agree with.

Kit

I loved what Tiff wrote here and she took a lot of what I was going to tell you, so I'm quoting her and adding my own 2 cents into the mix


I agree with this entirely. While you are distancing yourself from him, take the time to pamper yourself. Go swimming, sit down and read a few books (There's a few stories on GA that I can recomend for reading), even if you can, try and goto the mall and head to a place that sells self pampering stuff (like bath and body works), trust me, you feel better and look better, and you usually don't have a care in the world afterwards.


I think it's time that you let him have it. No more Mister Nice Guy. YOu need to tell him what he's doing and how it's hurting you, because there might be a chance he doesn't realise it. On the other hand he could be turning into a bully and thats when you need to stand up for yourself.


It isn't right at all. You need to be you, and like I've said, never let a man get you this worked up or this down, because, 99% of the time, they arn't worth it. You'll find the right person someday but until then, take advantage of hanging out with your friends and don't tie yourself up in turmoil.

As Always!
- - Eric

I can't agree with those words more.

.......I would generally leave this up to the experts here and not add to it. But I have to agree, this guy is messing with you and that is not right. Even if it turns out that he is 'bi-gay' he obviously is not being straight with you (sorry for the pun).

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Eric has been helping me a lot and its really made me start to feel better.

Today I was going to avoid my friend all day and have a day with other friends and to myself.

I got in the car with one of my other friends and we were going to the hospital to see his grandma but on the way there my friend decides to pick up "him".

I was really pissed off but couldnt really say anything, I had to sit next to him all the way there, when he got in the car he said "ugh, I have to sit next to matt?" In a joking sarcastic way, but I said "Ya you f**king do, get the f**K over it"

Then on the way there he tells us about the movie that him and I were going to watch at his house, so last night when he said he didnt want me to come over. He watched it by himself.. f**king dick.

I don't deserve to be treated like this at all, I can do so much better with any guy or girl.

This all happened from about 11am-2pm

Its now 4:50pm and I'm already wanting to see him again and be around him, I'm trying so hard not to go over to my friends house where he is but its one of the hardest things ever.

I think I'll try and do something to keep myself occupied until I leave for church in 45 minutes.


/hashbrowns

It sounds like he is playing games with you. Sometimes the answer is distance. It can hurt like hell in the short term, but, in the long term, you'll be better off.

Well, this is one of my first attempt to help the teens, so...

If you can't control, then maybe you can try to control the spirit and mind. And I know it's hard to try not to go over to anybody's home to see the person whom you have a crush on, and think positive, you CAN do it, try to keep yourself occupied, music videos, books, tv, anything to keep you off the mind of the "crushee" (is it a word, lol).

Here's my one cent of advice...

John

Not only is he playing games with you, but also obviously enjoys rubbing it in your face, especially with telling you about the movie he watched in which you were supposed to watch also but he suddenly changed his mind.

You definitely deserve better and can find better in the future.

As for wanting to go see him, he's like an addiction. My methods for addiction is to go cold turkey. It's so painful the first few days, but after a week, it's not so bad. It sucks that you get reminders, because it seems like you have mutual friends, but try your best. Really get out there and stay busy. Maybe discover another passion--some kind of art thing or sport? Immerse all your energy into that.

Sounds like you've gotten some excellent advice!

I hope you're feeling better today

lol, This is so dumb.

Even though I know I need to get over him for some reason I just can't.

It's like I told Eric, even if I was 99.9% sure nothing would ever work between us, he's still worth that .1% to me.


sigh.. maybe today will be a better day.

Yes, try to make today your day, be fun, be fabulous, do some things that are fun, read books, or! relaxing... Hash, I know it's hard but it get me a few months to get over a straight guy I have a crush on...

If you can get over him faster than me, then I'm a lousy person in relationships

Think Positive, think of yourself, not other people

-John-

This is the best advice... I know people say it doesn't pay to be selfish, but in this case it's perfectly ok to

I have crushed on a lot of guys over the years and only one of them turned out to be gay. I had it easy because I wasn't really friends with these guys, but more often then not I had a class with them and found it to be very distracting, but there were times when I crushed so hard that just seeing them in the hallway or on the street would bring the feelings flooding back, if only momentarily.

I agree with Tiff, you need to do yourself a favor and go cold turkey. What other hobbies or passions do you have? Pick one or more, or pick up a new one and stick with it. Pour all of your free time into it after a week you should start to feel better about him and after a while longer you should be able to forget about your crush on him. You'll feel like your insides are being torn out at times, but remember the phrase, "time heals all things."

Ok so a little bit of an update...

I'm pretty sure my attempts to get over him have only made me love him more.

Trying to go cold turkey and not see him didn't work, aside from constant reminders of him I would be even more depressed all day because I hadn't seen him, he makes me happy when I see him and makes me feel good - makes me feel like I am living for something. So going cold turkey for a few days just made me fall in love with him more and realize how much I need him.

We haven't been around each other as much as normal lately, but he has been busy so that'll probably change. On Sunday night he did something really sweet for me, I was playing online poker and couldn't really leave my house and I had no food here so he went and got food for me

During the week of July 7th a lot of my friends will be gone at camp, he's not going and neither am I - so it will be a week with just us. I was thinking during this week would probably be the best time to express my feelings for him, but I was thinking of doing it in a romantic way. Any suggestions? The way I see it, the possible denial would be the same whether I just tell him we need to talk or whether I tell him romantically, but the acceptance might be more likely and even better if I ask him romantically. So any suggestions for a romantic way to ask?

Who knows if I even will ask, I'll probably be too scared to and chicken out, but I'm going to work on building up the courage.

I think doing it in a "romantic" way is a HUGE mistake. If you knew he was gay, and actually, knew you were gay -- not just "gay for him" then the romantic thing might be ok. As it is, there is a good chance that you even expressing feelings for him may blow up in your face. If you go making romantic plans to tell him, you are raising your hopes and fantasies about a future that may not be. The fall will be harder and deeper than it would be if you just told him. The mixed messages he sends are most likely not indicative of some "hidden desire" for you.

Gods know I am no expert, but by telling him, you are saying that you are willing to risk the chance that he may never talk to you again for the chance of having a romantic relationship. I don't mean this advice in general, I mean this advice for you. From having talked to you some in chat, and what is posted here I honestly think the pain of rejection would be worse for you than the pain of longing you currently have.

It would be nice to have a storybook life where you could express your love for someone and the feelings are returned. It would be nice to have a relationship with a guy and look back at the romantic way you expressed your love for him, but I don't think I have heard one real account where such a thing happened.

If you feel you HAVE to tell him, then I would tell him. If he returns your feelings, or is interested to see if there might be something between you, then put all that romantic effort (and then add more) into a first date.

Snowy

Unfortunately I'm going to have to agree with Snowy I think


If you think you could handle the potential for some rather painful, serious rejection, then I'm proud of you and think you should go for it, but to me it sounds like it could end up hurting worse the romantic way if he doesn't reciprocate.

It's hard to say whether or not the romantic thing will in fact help his odds of reciprocation or not. It's possible that the romantic effort will dazzle him and give him the courage to be honest or make him realize his feelings. However, it's also possible that it'll overwhelm him or freak him out even more than just a conversation. So really it could go either way I think. But yeah, I think from your POV it might be more painful if it were a failed romantic attempt.

I'm pulling for you though!

-Kevin

I have to agree wtih Snowy and Kevin.

His behavior thus far has never been reciprocal or even constant, if that's the right word. He's so hot and cold, so my guess is that he's extremely confused or acts out to hide his own insecurities, OR my personal favorite: he's an @ss, pure and simple. Sorry for my seeming bitterness, but you're really coming off as this kicked puppy, underdog, and I hate to see people like that get hurt, taken advantage of, or stepped all over.

A romantic gesture at this time is not a good idea. You don't even know where he stands and you can't even read his mixed signals. I know you're eager to tell him how you feel, but deep down you know you're taking a huge risk and probably realize it won't go as you hope. A romantic moment might completely shock him and freak him out, causing him to lash out at you. I don't know how well he handles romance, since one minute he's touchy feely with you and the next he's shoving you out the car, yelling "TUCK AND ROLL!"

Just be careful, whatever you do, and I hope it works out for the best.

However if you must tell him, do it privately, preferably with someone around, nearby? And be mature and reasonable about it. Honest. Not gushing. If you act rationally, rather than emotionally, he may respond better and will evaulate his own feelings while keeping yours in mind.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice guys, I never really thought of some of those things happening but I realize its a huge possibility.

Tonight was so f**king dumb and I got real pissed off.

First, we were at a friends house. He leaves without telling me and then when I text him to see where he went he says he went home, well as I was walking home I saw his car at my other friends house. Impossible for him to have got there from his house in that short of time so theres a lie. I go into my friends house and politely ask him "I thought you went home?" and he says, oh I stopped here first.

So I was pretty pissed off when I first saw his car in the driveway but I couldn't stay mad at him.

Then a bunch of us had planned to go see a movie tonight, about 8 people total so we had to take 2 cars. I drove one car and went to his house to pick him up while the other 4 people went to the theater.

We ended up getting there first because the other car had to stop and get gas. We go in and get our tickets and our seats, I sat beside him. Then I asked him if he wanted any popcorn if I got some and he said sure, I don't even f**king like popcorn, but I was going to get it for him because I knew he liked it. So as I'm going to the concession area, I see the other 4 of our friends walk in and go into the theater. After I got my popcorn (5 f**king dollars by the way for a small) I go back up to my seat and yup.. some f**king asshole bitch girl that I dont even f**king like is sitting by him in my seat. I was f**king irate and probably the most pissed off I've been in a long time, I imagine it was just a high amount of jealousy but I really wanted to sit by him and share popcorn with him, instead I f**king waste $5 on something I ate maybe 4 peices of, and I didn't want to share with him over this bitch because I was pissed off and acting selfish so when he asked for the popcorn I said no.

I feel like I get my emotions played with so much and like I deserve someone who will treat me soooooo much better in a possible relationship, but I'm just scared I'll never find someone who will and I'm too afraid to get my heart broken again because its one of the worst pains in the whole world.

Whatever, /rant. July 7th-11th will be a week with no one else but us..could be good, will probably be bad. We'll see..

Don't be disillusioned. I know it may not seem like much consolation right now, but you really have a very long time to find someone great who'll treat you right.

Take care and I hope things get better,
Kevin

I don't post much but I'm having a similar problem and I was just wondering, what's the better way to come out to someone you like? Tell them you're gay or tell them you like them? The two are pretty different if you think about it.

They're very different indeed!

I think it varies according to the situation and what you want out of it.

Do you think this friend might be gay? Do you think he has feelings for you? Do you realize he doesn't and simply want the support of telling him about yourself?


In general, I would say it's usually better to first simply let the person know that you're gay. If he does have feelings for you this will let him know that there's a chance. It'll also be a good way to gauge his reaction before you go as far as telling him you like him. In general terms I think the chances of him taking it calmly and not freaking out or better if you tell him you're gay versus that you like him. I think a major fear that a lot of straight guys have is that a gay guy will have feelings for them and they just don't know how to handle that. Telling him you do would sort of confirm that fear.

But yeah, I do think it depends on the circumstances. If you're unsure of your own sexuality for example, and only really sure that you do have feelings for him then it makes more sense to tell him that versus 'I'm gay'. Similarly if you really do think he might be gay and/or might share your feelings then maybe it makes more sense to take the whole plunge at once.

I think it's a very personal, variable matter, but in general I would say it's best to start with just letting the guy know you're gay before you go further.

Just my opinion though,
Kevin

Goodness, you certainly have a complicated matter at hand. First off I have to say you are getting excellent advice already, but I figured it couldn't hurt to throw my two cents in. I don't really believe this guy appreciates you as much as he should. It seems you are willing to put a lot of effort into your friendship whereas he really doesn't reciprocate much, at least that's the vibe I get from what I've read in this thread. It almost seems like he's your friend when it's convenient for him, which is totally and utterly wrong. As for telling him... I'm guessing you've decided against the romantic plan, which is for the best if you ask me. If you do end up telling him, I would say it's a wise idea to have someone else in the vicinity, for emotional support if things go wrong, at least. In regards to your wording, I would say play your feelings down a bit. Clearly your feelings are strong, but the stronger the feelings a gay guy has for a straight guy, the more nervous and freaked out I'll bet he gets. Make it clear you have feelings for them, but do your best not to get too terribly dramatic, which could be incredibly hard in such a situation. By downplaying how you feel, you make it clear that there's an opening if he's willing to explore it, but if he isn't, then the freaked-out factor is probably going to be less serious.

Hope some of this helps, and good luck!

I've got to the point where I love him so much and so passionately that all I want is for him to be happy, whether that means a miraculous relationship with me or somebody else. Whoever ends up with him will be a very lucky person and I just hope they realize it.

I'll probably be incredibly jealous for a long time if he ever gets with someone else, and if hes not I'll probably still subconsciously try to make something work. But its just because I have such a passion for him.

I appreciate everyones help, and I'll try to keep this updated with how I'm feeling and any updates.

I'll probably be pretty depressed for awhile so I'll come here a lot

:hugz:


hashbrown

This seems incredibly mature, healthy, and positive

It's good that you care about his well-being beyond just how it might impact you. It's also wonderful that you're honest and in tune to your likely feelings and reactions; that goes a major way in helping you to productively deal with them.



Well it'll be nice to see you, but you know it's okay to come here when you're happy as well




Take care
Kevin

.........My heart goes out to you, hopefully you will find someone else! Because he seems like nothing but heartache for you.

Yeah Hashbrown, you're too cool for heartache. Just limit him to a friend who you see occasionally and then make new friends. Perhaps one day you'll run into someone who truly deserves you and appreciates you.

That's good advice, Tiff. Distance can make it easier to deal with and eventually move onto someone better.

SIMILAR SITUATION!!! Hi hashbrown (and to the wise public out there). I think I too am in a very similar situation:

I am a medical student from South Africa and I am now in 2nd year. Over the past few months I have become very close to another guy in my class... we have been good friends since registration in 1st year however, our friendship has really developed over the past few months - with the increasing work load and intense stresses we face; having someone there with a 'shoulder to cry on' or just someone vent with has allowed me to remain sane.
I dont think anyone in our class realised that our course would be so testing not only on academic, but also on emotional and even spiritual levels - having Tom there has made it bearable.

Anyway, his room is also opposite mine so we spend a lot of time in each others' rooms. He will often just come and lie in my bed while I work at my desk (I often do the same in his room). He really seems to enjoy playfully wrestling with me and When we watch movies he will sometimes rest his legs on mine. He likes physical contact with me whether its just a nudge during a movie or gripping my arm if he gets a fright. He jokes about me having insanely strong toes (random and bizarre but true;)) and will grip my feet and try push my toes back. If im lying on my bed reading he will often come and sit on my legs when he wants to chat... or sometimes if i on a couch, he will come and sit on my lap. As obviously sexual as all this might sound - I am not sure whether sexual undertones always exist.

A lot of friends joke about us being a couple and we both laugh it off or play along a little to spur them on. I am far from 'out' and Tom and I often discuss girls - although, he has not had a girlfriend in 4 years, he has fooled around with a couple of girls while he has been at varsity (nothing too serious) but then again, so have I.

Girls do love him - he is good looking and has this way of making people feel good about themselves. He also has an amazing sense of humour with the most contagious laugh that can lighten anyone's mood.

Lately, my feelings towards him have developed greatly - we are on vac at the moment and I really am missing him. I have never taken my sexuality seriously - my feelings towards guys have always been strictly sexual.
It is the first time I have ever felt a true emotional attraction (its more emotional than it is sexual) to another guy and to be honest - the situation is destroying me too!

I have considered telling him Im gay, however, I am TERRIFIED that it may affect our friendship (I enjoy the physical closeness we have - even if it never becomes sexual). I need this friendship. I cannot imagine going on through this degree without someone close who just - understands. At the same time though, I cant help but feel the need for more.

Do I tell him im gay?
How does one do such a thing?
Do I tell him about my feelings?
Do I just move on?

...Where do I go from here? - I have no one I can speak to. So I am appealing, as an anonymous student to an anonymous public, for help.

*J

First, welcome to GA! Second, there are a lot of situations like this. The best approach is one of caution. Revealing your feelings is most likely not a good idea. You need to first start by bringing up gays in general. His reaction is most likely an indication of whether you should proceed or not. In all likelihood, he is straight. Statistically, it is highly improbable that you are both gay. Beyond that, just try to remain friends if you can and distance yourself somewhat if you find out for sure he's straight to give yourself some time to get over your feelings. Pining for straight men is never a good thing.

thanks... we really do have complicated lives dont we - its just a bitch sometimes.

Unfortunately, we can't help who we love. It's just human nature. If you find out he is gay or bisexual (which is unlikely), then you can possibly explore those possibilities but only if he feels the same way.

HEy I HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME PROBLEM though mine is a little bit overrated
and thats why i found this site tonight.

I just wish there was an easy solution to our problem.

I, like you, dont know what think or do anymore.

I wish you the best of luck with him.

I am glad to know that i am not the only one

It seems to be a common coming-of-age problem. I want to bring up another point. It's difficult to find the right guy. Chances are you might one day have feelings for a guy you know is gay or bisexual and not have those feelings reciprocated. That makes it just as bad if not worse than having feelings for someone who is straight or might be straight. Here's the bottom line. There is someone betters, someone who will love you for who you are, including your flaws. Never lose hope.

Might I suggest reading my issue

same exact deal
had excellent advice

God dammit..

I'm trying to get him to go to the movies with me tonight but its pissing me off because he wants one of our other friends to go too.

I hate how we can never have alone time together, someone always has to be around.

I text him asking if he wants to see a movie and he says, Can so and so come too? I'm like, I didn't really want him too because hes been pissing me off a lot lately, and then hes like. Do you only want to go to the movies with me? And even though I wanted to say, YESSSSSSS. I was too scared and couldnt. and say if he really has to come I guess he can but you know he pisses me off a lot

so hopefully my other friend doesnt want to go and it can be just us.. thatd be awesome.

nope, fail. friends coming

f**K me.

It has to be frustrating, hashbrown. I suggest finding a diversion. Perhaps you could go for a walk or read a book. Then, it's time for some introspection. Keep reminding yourself that you will find someone. It may not be your best friend, but it will be someone who is right for you. Sometimes we make ourselves sick thinking about it. Distance, in my experience, is the best way. However, it really hurts at first. You'll feel horrible for the first several days, but it's what you need to do in order to protect yourself from anymore pain. Also, if you feel that you need someone to speak with, you can always talk to your parents or another trusted adult. In time you'll be stronger, and you'll be able to look back on this time and take it in stride. You just need to give yourself some time and distance.

The end was tonight

I texted him, why does he always want someone to come with us?

His reply is engraved in my head..

"Because two guys at a movie is gay. Duh"

I immediately went into tears.

Then we proceded to get into a huge argument about how I think hes an unappreciative asshole.

It's time for me to get over him, but its going to be hard..