Hey everyone

I've been suffering from a chronic pain syndrome called "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy" for 6 years now. To be honest, dates have not gone well for me. When people see me on one crutch, they tend to flinch. There doesn't seem to be any physical distortion on my body. My left leg used to be contorted due to this illness, but I've managed to get it back into alignment with my other foot. Sounds gross eh?

I have been rejected from numerous dates because people think I might be a liability, or that sex would be horrendous lol. I never want to form a sexual relationship after first dates, lol. This has led to lack of confidence and trust in myself gradually. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror at times - and it's scary! I have this thought of lonliness that lingers in my mind. I was suicidal once, due to the fact that I couldn't deal with my illness and my sexuality. My parents have been taking real good care of me. I just don't know what would happen if my sexuality is leaked? Just a few days ago, my pastor condemned and chastised homosexuality. I guess I need someone to care for me without judging my sexuality or my disability.

I know dating is going to be a hell lot of problem with me, but in your most honest opinion, is it possible to forge a relationship with someone? I've been chatting with this guy named Brian over the net and we really like each other, but he's in Michigan, and I'm at the other part of the world. I know online dating isnt practical lol. I dont know how he's going to react when he sees me in real life haha.

Welcome Or, if you prefer, G'day

Dating isn't going to be easy, but the problem is going to be finding the right guy, not dating per se. From what I've been told of Sydney's gay district (ie. Darlinghust and Oxford Street), it tends to be concentrated on image, and you may struggle there. However, I've chatted or emailed with a number of guys from Sydney who have indicated that the gay scene isn't for them, and I get the impression that there's a fair number like that. Finding them will be a challenge, but don't be fussed if it takes you a while. You've still got years ahead of you. Oh, and keep your eyes open if you end up in hospital -- a gay guy there would probably be a really good match

On the subject of your pastor, don't worry too much about that. It's disappointing that you won't be able to talk to him about things, but there are a lot of churches in Sydney, and many of them are not homophobic.

Good luck!

Hey Jovian ,

I think you will meet a guy Jov Hope we can build back up your confidence you are attractive.

Have you been to any type of gay groups, not the gay scene but in a group settings in a university etc? I have not much knowledge of Sydney if there's a coffee cafe or restaurant they hang out.

Mostly what greame said I agree

Actually, I've been to a Mormon gay group but so far no one has asked me out yet haha. Thanks for your support guys >:D< Yeah, I know I have to boost up my self-confidence and self-esteem lol. It's gonna take a while

I've dated someone who had a disability once, he was in a wheelchair and it never bothered me. I think people who put up with image are the ones lacking in a personality and thus, I don't date them.


From what I heard, you can have a gay ol' time in Sydney, but you can also have a blast when you find different groups. Talk to the bartender, or see if there is a newpaper/magazine that you can look at. Also if you goto Gay.com I remember seeing a link for all things gay in Sydney.



Oh jsut stick around here and we'll boost it up. Trust me when i say that there is not a nicer community of people.

Eric

For the benefit of those who don't know Sydney, it's a big place. It's an hour train ride, at least, to get to the major gay district from outer suburbs like Penrith, so it's not always easy to just go to these places. Especially if you have a disability that inhibits your ability to move around.

Jovian, that gay mormon group sounds interesting. As a suggestion, start by concentrating on making friends. If there's no one there who is interested in you as anything more, they may know someone who may. A lot of relationships start as a result of having a mutual friend, so cultivate what friends you can get. They all add who they know to the pool of potential boyfriends....

.......The Mormons have a gay group??

Hey dude!

Welcome to the forums




Sounds rough, I'm so happy that you're doing better though


I think you'll definitely find people out there who will love and accept you just the way you are

Take care and good luck,
Kevin

Haha, you'll be surprised

.............I already am!! That should make Ripley's believe it or not!!

Truth is, we aren't really affiliated with the Mormon church, but nonetheless, we are still Mormons. Gay Mormons, to be precise.

On the issue of the other guys rejecting you for various reasons revolving around your crutch (I'll never use the word disability because it almost never applies any one human being) then they aren't worth it anyway. Do you think Brian might be feeling something for you? If so, it might be a good idea to tell him about the crutch before things escalate and someone gets hurt.

I met my boyfriend about six months ago online and he didn't wait too long to tell me that he's deaf, before we developed a relationship. A lot of people might consider that to be a disability and something that would put yet another strain on our online long-distance (across several US states) relationship, but I consider it an opportunity to become bi-lingual (learning ASL) and I also consider it something to be proud of to set us apart from the regular crowd of gay couples. You just need to wait until you find someone who doesn't see a crutch, just a loving young gay guy who wants to be loved in return, just as I look past my boyfriends deafness and see only the handsome young gay guy that he really is.

I don't consider him to be challenged at all (getting his attention would be a change, but one I gladly accept to be with him) and you know what? I don't think you're challenged either. It might take you longer to get around, but you've straightened your leg out, have you not? You walk around, do you not? Don't ever consider yourself out just because there is something about you that some other guys just can't deal with... there is a nice guy out there who is waiting to love you, just be patient... I didn't find mine until well after I turned 21.

And... I'm his boyfriend! yeah, only the true love will come in your sights, the one who will ignores your disability and only love you for who you are. I didn't realize this till I had to be myself and the rest is history...

This is something that a German friend and I have talked about several times. He spends most of his time in a wheelchair. He can get around some using a walker. He's very discouraged that he can't find someone. He's in his mid 20's. He wants to find someone who won't be ashamed to be seen with him. At one point, I did tell him that if I was closer to his age, I'd take him out and I wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with him.

I guess you could say, I'm one of the rare ones.

Everyone is unique and has their own challenges. Some of these challenges are on the surface, while others are buried deep down.

On the bright side you are dealing with your's very well and it is out in the open from the start. Stick with it, when you do find the right person you will know you have someone that truely loves you, and not just a piece of ass.

Greg

Yes

Greg (Myk) concisely put into words exactly how I feel.



People with acne, people with crooked teeth, people who are bald, people who are blind... while they may not get as many first dates as some pretty young model boy, they still get dates and get into relationships.

Their dates or partners likes them for other reasons (personality, or other physical features) and maybe the feature that the owner thinks is sooo detrimental is a non-issue for the other person.

Some people might be uncomfortable with your situation, but many others won't be. The goal isn't to get a lot of first dates, the goal is to find someone that you like for who they are, and that likes you for who you are.

If I might offer some advice... if you are meeting a lot of people online first and you plan to meet them in real life, it's best to let them know your characteristics so that they aren't surprised when you do meet live. If you fear being rejected because of your condition, I'd rather be rejected sooner rather than later (and perhaps before you spent lots of money flying to Michigan ).

Take Care®,

Vic

Hey guys, thanks for all your messages They are truly encouraging. By the way, Brian knows about my medical condition and he seems fine with it . Just two years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy named Keith. We met in the hospital, lol. He broke up with me after 3 months. He told me he had been cheating on me, and that he was seeing another person. It was a she. He told me he was a bisexual. I seemed to have a hard time believing in him. I kept thinking maybe he was trying to find a way out of our "relationship" -- maybe I wasn't sexually active enough? Or maybe the spinal cord stimulator I have implanted in me made things "difficult" for us? Or maybe he wasn't comfortable hanging around with someone who wasn't walking "normally" like him? I guess I'd never know... well, the past is the past... no point dwelling in it, lol.

Thanks guys >:D< You guys are awesome!

For Brian, that's great news! Maybe things could work out between you two (just need to get over a couple of other humps... such as liking each other in that special way and the distance).

For Keith, I'm sorry... for both you and him. For you because he betrayed you and for him because it sounds like he has a lot of issues if he ditched a great guy for a woman.

We'll never know exactly why he did what he did (unless you ask) but if it was for those reasons, then he wasn't worth your time anyway.

Awww Such sweet and positive advice

Good too



You are indeed, Jan!

But don't worry Jovian, I'm sure there are lots of guys out there who would be queuing up to for a chance to get to know you better if you got to meet them


Don't blame yourself. If he was cheating on you HE'S the one with the issues and the problems, not you!


-Kevin

EDIT:

By the way, I wanted to recommend a story to you:

Love in a Chair by GA's own, Altimexis. Here's the description:

Aaron and Brian are two high school students who fall madly in love. Their love grows and they slowly experience everything until one fateful night when an accident leaves one of them unscathed and the other with a disability. Forced to deal with feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and even thoughts of suicide, they persevere as they face new sexual frustrations and struggle with life's challenges.

To be honest I haven't had the chance to read it yet (though it's definitely on my list!), but I've heard a lot of great things about it and it seems like it might be something you'd enjoy

Take care and have a fantastic day!
Kevin

Hi guys

Keith did mention to me he was a bisexual and that he had an interest in women. Either I was not good enough for him, or he was telling the truth. I guess he has changed his sexual orientation? Then again, you can't magically become someone you're not, right? I didn't stop him. I let him go. Anyways, the past is the past...

I actually read "Love in a Chair" while I was whiling my time away at the hospital. I LOVED IT, lol. Unfortunately, I didn't complete the story because the internet connection in the hospital was screwy lol. I lost track of where I was reading. I think I got to chapter 16 when the internet hotspot connection in the hospital went haywire. Now that you've mentioned it, I'm going to complete it asap . Thanks Kevin!

Talking about writing, the current novel (Silence of the Deep Snow) that I am working on has a main character who is suffering from the same medical condition as me; however, he is not living with the luxury of modern technology and medicine as the story is set around World War 2, so he is pretty much embroiled in a worse situation than me.

To rknapp, thanks for your messages. Hope your boyfriend's doing all right

Thanks guys

Take care!!!!!

Jovian

Just because someone says he or she is bisexual does not mean that anything changed. While there may be some who use bisexuality as a may to make it easier to gradually come out, that is not always the case.

I personally would consider dating someone with a physical disability and would be willing to make any necessary accommodations. My philosophy is that you shouldn't allow any type of disability stop you from considering a relationship with someone. After all, a body is simply a vessel. What's important is what is in his heart and mind.

If someone truly loves you then the fact that you have a physical disability shouldn't/won't matter to them. I worry about this to as I while not being physically disabled I do have many medical conditions caused by being born prematurely (I was born at 24 weeks 1lb. 11oz), and surgical scars on my body from the numerous surgeries that kept me alive to be here today. But I believe that the right person will look past this and look past the scars into the person that I really am. If you meet someone who refuses to date simply because of what is on the outside you shouldn't be with them anyway.

There have been several responses in this thread which, in various ways, say that if someone loves you then physical attributes won't matter. They don't specify what sort of love. Of course, physical attributes won't affect the love of a parent, child, sibling or friend. I can still love someone as a friend even though I don't find them physically attractive. However, the original post was about dating and so, I presume, about the sort of love that includes a physical relationship.

A physical (sexual) relationship requires sexual attraction, so it seems illogical to say that physical attributes do not matter. I'm not referring to disability but to any physical attributes. For example, speaking personally, no matter how much I love a woman's personality (and I have some excellent female friends) I would not date her with a view to a physical relationship. This is not, of course, any criticism of women.

'True love' of an individual's personality does not create a sexual attraction. I can't choose to be sexually attracted to a woman just because I think she's a wonderful person. Indeed, some gorgeous guys happen to be heterosexual and don't find me attractive just because I'm male, but I don't let that make me feel bad about my gender.

Sexual attraction is based on physical attributes. We may feel that this is shallow, unfair and wrong, but we should not pretend it isn't so just because we disapprove of it. For example, I find red-heads very attractive and hairy bodies very unattractive. On the other hand some guys get turned on by hairy bodies and turned off by red heads. Some things that turn me off (e.g. a circumcised penis) may be considered strange or weird. However, this is not something that can be chosen just because on an intellectual level we might feel that it's shallow.

Sometimes it can hurt to know someone I fancy doesn't find me attractive because of some 'shallow' physical attribute. For example, I'm short (or 'vertically challenged' as the PC people might say!) and have found that some guys are turned off by that. That makes me sad, but I can't blame them for something that they have no control over.

There are posts in this thread that imply there is something wrong with a person who allows diability to influence their choice of who to date. Yet there is another thread here in which the posts imply that it is perfectly acceptable to allow race to influence the choice of who to date. Yet to me race and disability are just different physical attributes, so I can't see why the two threads seem to reflect such different attitudes.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that some guys will find a disability a turn-off just as they might find your race or height a turn-off. On the other hand other guys (myself included) won't care about it. This is a fact, no matter how shallow or unfair we may think it is. The important things to remember, though, are:
1) a disability or illness is just one of many physical attributes like height, hair colour, gender, race, etc. that may affect whether others find us attractive.
2) if they don't find that attribute attractive they are not rejecting you as a person and it doesn't mean you are inferior in any way.
3) just because some attribute stops them being attracted to you does not mean that they are 'bad' people (unless they also treat you badly!).
4) there are guys out there who will find you attractive and who will want to date you.

Kit

I actually agree, Kit. However, I actually do look at some emotional attributes as well. A physical disability does not automatically make someone unattractive to me, but more than likely a learning disability will. It doesn't mean I won't be friends with the person, but it does mean I am very unlikely to date him. I do like to feel a connection on an intellectual level. That's just how I am. There are a lot of people who do not see such attributes as unattractive. As for physical, there are a lot of attributes that are more appealing than others.

Oh yes!
For me to date someone there must be more than just physical attraction. I need to be attracted to their personality as well.
Sorry if I wasn't clear about that.

In fact, it is easier for me to find someone who is physically attractive than to find someone I like enough as person to want to date. So it's harder for a guy to meet my 'personality criteria' than it is for him to meet my 'physical criteria'. To be honest, though, usually the physical attraction comes first because when I meet a new person for the first time, it's easier to see their physical attributes than to know about their personality. Also, physical attraction is what gives me an added incentive to find out more about their personality.

Kit

I definitely strongly believe that too




There was a very amusing commercial a number of years ago (it would have had to have been considering I haven't watched tv in quite a few years) that depicted a bunch of guys sitting around at a bar saying things like, "Look at the personality on that girl!" or "I bet she has a beautiful soul!"

I can't remember what the commercial was for...I think probably clothes or make up, but it played into this notion nicely.


Anyway, it'll all work out; things always do
-Kevin