Hey everyone. I've been a member or this forum before but I couldn't access my old account (rainyday77) since I hadn't been back in so long so I created a new one. Anyway I've decided that I have to come out to my parents before I go off to start college this year. I'm tired of lying and feel that if I don't tell them now I'll end up being 30 and still won't have come out to them. I do have a support group consisting of my best friend, his mother (my second mother), my old youth pastor, and numerous other friends. Oh yes and I am going to talk to a friend of my best friend's mother who is also gay although he has never come out to his parents sometime in the next week or two so I'm sure he'll be there also. But my logic is I'm thinking of telling them right before I go off to college so I'll be away from them and they'll have time to think about it without me being there. My best friend's mother who had known my parents for 20 years (she talks to my dad every day almost) thinks that I should tell them separately. I'm going to tell my mother first (she's less emotional, and less conservative) and then wait a day or two and tell my dad (he's the one I'm worried about). Does this sound like a good plan to you? What would you do if you were in my shoes coming from a family with a christian semi conservative background?

Thing I might be worried about is they might not fund your college anymore, again i don't know your parents. Just think about it, others on here can give you more and better advice.

I'm glad you have friends to support you : d

This is just my opinion...
Coming out is not something that's compulsory. It's something you choose to do when and if you feel like doing so. You don't have to lie. You can just keep things to yourself. Who you feel attracted to and who you want to have sex with is your business and you have a right to keep things private. After all, do your parents tell you about their sexuality and sex life?

You asked what we would do, so I'll tell you what I would do. I'm not saying it is the best thing to do and I'm not saying it is the right thing to do. It's just what I would do...

If there was even the tiniest chance that they would react badly then I wouldn't tell them until I was fanancially independant.

Kit

Hey Dude!


Great to see you again, I was pretty sure I remembered the name so I was quite surprised when I logged in and saw that this was your first post. That definitely explains it. If you'd rather we can probably figure out how to get you your old password. Alternatively I can get the admin to delete your old account so you can just use this one. Whatever you prefer just let me know



It sounds like a wonderful plan to me, dude! Hadn't you previously posted about when you were first telling your friend and his mom (I might be completely misremembering though, or thinking of someone else). Anyway, I'm really really glad that you have that support system going for you! It's also awesome that your minister and other friends are behind you!

Drew and Kit bring up good points, and I definitely do agree that you shouldn't do anything if you're still dependent on your parents and you feel like they might reject you and make things difficult for you. However, that said, I trust your judgment and it sounds like you've thought this out. I also tend to recommend that people do come out if it's at all safe and possible because in the long run most people are much happier and better adjusted that way. So if you do feel like the college/support thing isn't something to be concerned about, my advice is to go for it.

Personally speaking, I have a close relationship with my family, but I still didn't end up telling my mom until about two and a half years ago. There are lots of reasons for that, but I will say that it really did help that when I told her she was visiting me in the place that I paid the bills for. However, it only helped my confidence and mindset. Practically it didn't matter because I know it wouldn't have/didn't change anything anyway.

What is the college/financial situation? Do you have scholarships? Will you be able to get student loans and work to support your other expenses? That's how I did the whole thing and it worked pretty well as far as I'm concerned.

Regarding the Christian aspect, what denomination is it? What is that denomination's general views on this issue? I grew up Catholic and it was pretty much a non-issue. I'm not saying Catholics are the most accepting of gays, but at least in my area, it just wasn't brought up either way at all, and even the people who didn't like gays didn't use religion as a justification. For various reasons over the last few years I've drifted away from Catholicism and while I still consider myself a Catholic, I also consider myself a Methodist and nowadays I attend a very gay affirming, liberal congregation that I absolutely love!

Anyway, much depends on the denomination in question, and even the congregation in question. A good place to start might be to check out the website: Religious Tolerance. There's also an interesting thread regarding Christianity and homosexuality here in the teen forum, and I believe another in the SoapBox. I would recommend checking them out too. Finally, there are a lot of helpful resources relating directly to coming out to parents. Check out: Out Proud

If I think of anything else I'll let you know. Anyway gotta run for now, good luck, dude, and I'm really proud of you and happy for you:D

-Kevin

Personally when I come out to my parents I want to do it to each of them at the same time. First I'll come out to my sister, and if she reacts well then I'll ask her how she thinks our parents will react. I may or may not tell her about my relationship as that would also depend on her reaction, though if she asks me anything along those lines I certainly won't hide it, and may even introduce her to him.

That's just how I want to do it though. No two "coming outs" can be the same.

........Normally I would not give advice here, as the younger guys here have better 1st hand information that is much more than I can offer. But since no one else caught this I can't but help and wonder about a comment you made above. Did you get any other feedback from Julie? She has got to be the best soundboard of all, afterall she talks to your Dad everyday.

Hello all,

Thanks for all of the great replies. I asked Julie about whether she thought that my parents would do that, she thinks my dad cares to much about me/my education to take away my college funds. She also said she wouldn't let my Dad do that (she's basically the only person that can tell my dad he's wrong about something). My family is a member of the Disciples of Christ denomination and it's a rather liberal denomination even though my church is full of a lot of older people some of which might not be as tolerant as most. My dad actually was brought up Catholic and hated it because there were so many rules and taboos. My Mom's side of the family is really liberal and open minded so I'm not worried about them that much. I personally think deep down inside even though my dad might not admit it he's pretty open minded even though he's conservative and when we had a conversation about gays with my family relatives and me and him he said he thinks it's a sin but no different than any other sins and that we should forgive homosexuals so I guess that's positive. And to that person that ask yes I was the one that wrote about coming out before to my best friend's mother (Julie).

.............Well that sounds kinda good!! Be safe & good luck!

I only have two things to add. When you tell your mother, and assuming it goes reasonably well, tell her when you'll be speaking to your dad. The reason is that you will be essentially asking her to keep a secret from him, and that's not particular fair if she doesn't know how long she'll need to keep that secret.

The other thing is that you should give them enough time from when you tell them and before you go to college, to answer any questions they may have. It is unlikely they'll think of them all on the spot. I don't know how much time you should give them, but give them some time

Finally (yeah, I know, this is the third thing), The Mail Crew site has a section For Parents that may be of use to your parents. It may not, but depending on their questions, it may help.

Well I talked to the older gay friend (he's 40) of my best friend's mother today. He told me some things that I didn't want to hear but they do make sense. He thought, and now I'm thinking it might be better to wait till September or about a month after I go off to college so my parents don't have to get used to me being gay and me not being at home all at one time. He also agreed with telling my mother first and then seeing what she says about how to tell my dad. I personally think she might already suspect/know that I am but is waiting to hear me say it. Anyways the conversation with the older guy was good but now I kind of feel more confused and over stimulated with thoughts then I already was. It was just one of those things you know is right but you don't want to hear. I'm so f**king tired of waiting...

Your friend is probably right. Some parents are not as understanding as others in this type of situation. If your parents have exhibited any strong homophobia or any hateful language in regard to GLBT people in the past, it might not be a good idea to tell them yet. Chances are you are better off waiting even though you want to tell. I came out to my mom in two steps. At first, I was still somewhat in denial and thought I was bisexual. However, over the last several months, I have come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. She knows now, and she does not like it. However, she does not hold it against me and is not antagonist towards me. If you suspect that your parents are more likely to be antagonistic, then you should definitely wait. I know how frustrating it is, but there are some smart people here who can shed some light on this issue. Also, I encourage you to check out the useful links on Gay Authors Gay Teen Support. There is also some useful information on coming out from about.com and gay.com.

Hey rainy... I am glad that you took such a huge decision and Kudos to you for doing it. It is never easy to come out and much less to your own parents.

One advice I would like to give you is that you should try and do it alone and not with your friend. The friend can be somewhere near the house if, god forbid, you need him. The main reason I am saying this is that if you were to come out to your parents with your friend present, it would appear as though you are ganging up on your parents (although you aren't).

Don't ask me why I think like this...I guess it is human nature... But thn, that was my advice to you.

I also feel that your older friend's advice of waiting until September is a good one.

Take care and all the best.
BeaStKid

Beasty is absolutely correct. In fact the general 'protocol' and advice on the issue is exactly as he suggested: have a friend 'on standby' but don't physically have the friend standing by.


I guess what the older friend said makes a lot of sense. You should most certainly follow your instincts though and decide for yourself

In the end no one can make up your mind for you.


Good luck!
-Kevin

Thanks Kevin and everyone else. This is really hard for me because I'm so ready to tell them ,but I know that telling them now is not the best thing to do for me or them. Me and my friend were talking about it the other day and he was telling me it will all turn out alright and that he's sure they'll accept me which I also know is true but it's going to take a lot of time for them and I hope they still realize that I'm still their son. It' s also hard because I'm just not a confrontational person. Well anyway thanks for all of the comments everyone. (I don't think this whole waiting thing is going to help me quit smoking either! )

Have a good day everyone!

I wish you luck when the time is right. Timing is everything. It's great to have someone you will be there for you in your time of need. Reactions vary from parent to parent, but it's becoming less and less likely that they will react so negatively that they cut you out of their lives. However, remember that they may need time to process the information. A lot of parents dream of the day when their son will marry a blushing bride and raise a lot of grandchildren for them to spoil. The five stages of grief may also give you a good idea of how they might handle it.


Source: Wikipedia.org (with a few subject-appropriate modifications for the examples)