It's not much, but I got bored so I gave it a shot... Comments are welcome, but if you feel the need to flame then email me and leave the forums a happy place

EDIT: By the way, if you find any mistakes in the grammar or spelling, then feel free to correct me. It's late and I wasn't all that interested in going back to re-read through it all...


Niftynumberone@yahoo.com

Well, J, great way to warm the audience up. Throw some action at them with a good dose of angst and worry. All us romantics are in.

Those of us who prefer the action are asking, "Does this mean there isn't going to be a party tonight?"

Great start. I'll definitely read chap. 2.

Hugs,
Conner

I agree. You have me hooked. Whenever chapter 2 is ready, I'll be here. If this is the usual result of your being bored, I hope it happens a lot...

Alright I have a dilemma.... should I make Josh's dad a prick, or should I stay with the nice theme and have them all perfect

Nevermind.... I decided what I was going to do... all is well

Woohoo chapter 27 of TLW came! God it's been 2 months and 1 day since chapter 26.

Here's chapter 2... do you think I should stick with telling it like I did in Chapter 1 with gaps in the story, or should I go with what I did in chapter 2 and Jump from situation to situation?

EDIT: Story is in a lower post (It's edited now )

Hey J, well, you have a lot of balls posting a chapter the same day as Dom Taking on the master, eh?

You never said what happened to the deer? You're going to get flamed by all the animal lovers.

As far as your story structure goes, you might as well try out a few things and see how it works. Here in DomLuka Land we treat all writers like doctors - you can practice.

Bryan's dad is a serious jerk.

I really like Kevin though, particularly the sense of humour he showed in chap 1.

Don't stop now, you're on a roll!

Hugs,
Conner

I didn't finish this chapter yet, but i figured I'd get your input...

I want some feedback on the chapters before I post them on nifty... I figured I'd do one a week so they'd be longer...

Oh, and about the deer, he was fine... the fat man hit his brakes fast enough so the deer could live another day

EDIT: The edited chapter is in a lower post

"Bryan smiled at the comment. Kevin always knew how to turn a bad situation into a humorous one. The two had been best friends since the second grade when Kevin moved in down the street. At the time Bryan, had no idea what his sexuality. Girls were still icky and he didn’t know that the thing between his legs was used for anything but going pee.

But as time grew on, Bryan started to notice his liking of the same gender then of girls. It just seemed so natural to him. He didn’t want to be gay; he wanted to be just like everyone else. He wanted to like girls. But no matter how hard he tried to push those thoughts out of his mind, it didn’t work. His best friend was becoming attractive to him.

Those thoughts are long gone now. When Bryan came out to Kevin they worked through it .Bryan valued the friendship more then anything and didn’t want to put it in danger by going after his straight best friend.
[/code]"
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Hi..its a sweet and funny story..good humor...take your time with it...use spell check (deer as opposed to dear doesn't come out in spell check..but look at each line etc...)

also, I couldn't tell physical description of each of the characters (tall, short, jock or swimmer build, blue or brown or green eyed..stuff like that to draw in your readers....beyond that you will draw in readers since with each chapter you are filling in detals..going back to child hood and stuff like that..keep going:)

and hey ask Dom, Matt and Ann if you can post your stories and get your own storyline in the forum...just a suggestion.....but I like your characters..they are real, human and funny:) and also have a story to tell...they are likeable and interesting..good qualities to draw in your readers:)

Michael

The story is going well, John. You certainly have the talent, so it's just a matter of practice. Two things I would suggest. If you're going to post on Nifty, get an editor - a friend is always best - but definitely someone who's going to be honest with you and has the time to do a good job. The other suggestion is to read a wide variety of writers and read lots.

I'm very curious how Bryan and Kevin got past Bryan's attraction to Kevin. That would make for a great converation and a very challenging one for a writer. So if you ever get around to that...I'd love it.

Kevin's adorable and has a great sense of humour. When he saw that his friend was attracted to Josh, he didn't waste a moment in setting that up. I should friends like that. I sense a great deal of strength and caring coming from him and I would like to see more of that in action. For example, he didn't say anything to Ray about the way he had treated Bryan when he had the chance.

Bonne chance!

Hugs,
Conner

Thanks guys... and about the editing thing, I don't actually go back and re-read my stories... dont ask me why, I just dont... But I'm working on getting an editor to do it for me.. I'm kinda lazy . I started this story last year actually but I dropped it right away because things got hectic in my life... but I guess I forgot to add one back then... I'll work it in somehow.

I see you now have author status, John. Congratulations! I saw your story posted on Nifty. I joined your Yahoo gp - mind you, that's a much younger crowd than I'm used to. At 54 though, most crowds fall into that category.

You should try and connect with the Reaper (Reapersharvest) - who is also an author and 15 and hangs out here at GA.

Hugs,
Conner

I took out the top 2 Chapter inserts and will post the final-version of the chapter here after I A) finish it and send it to Val for editing.

Once again, thanks lagomorph for editing