okay here it goes.
im new here and extremely confused about many, many things and i have what i guess you could say is a problem expressing my feelings. So this is a big step even coming on here. Well im not sure how my parents will react when they find out that im gay. I know that most people will say that i'm too young to know what i want, but im pretty sure that i am right about who i am, but my parents are what scare me. It may seem wrong to say that my parents pay more attention to our pets than me, but it has to be true because they dote upon them at every chance. My parents are the type that care more about seeming perfect for everyone else than actually being happy, so that is what makes me afraid of their reactions.
okay now that im through with that, there is this new kid at school and i really want to get to know him. Though i am unsure if he will even like me... One little tid bit that mught shed some light on this problem is that i am extremely shy when i am around anyone except a few select friends. Though i think i could come out to my best friend, she is like a sister to me and has other gay friends, but none as close as me. Im not sure she would take it well or not, its one thing to have gay friends who arent closed, but another to have your best friend be gay. Overall im confused and need help. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-B
Full Version: Don't know what to do...
For now, don't worry about coming out to your parents. That can wait for now. As for you new friend, you should try to get to know him, but be careful. Unless you know he is gay, then it's best not to get too close. Despite the stories where it's so simple to find someone, that's unrealistic. Life is rarely that simple. As for telling your best friend, that's a good idea. If she has gay friends, she might be able to set you up with one. Besides, she might just be waiting for you to admit it. There are some who figure it out. That's just the way some people are. 
As to your person you want to get to know treat him as a friend only
as to your parents they can got to hell from the way you describe them
they appearantly dont care for you
but they really should
everyone is special
as to your parents they can got to hell from the way you describe them
they appearantly dont care for you
but they really should
everyone is special
Hey B
First off welcome to the forum! It's awesome having you here and I'm really glad that you've managed to work out your feelings and sexuality and starting taking steps toward living the sort of life that you want and need for yourself
That's a really big deal! Many people - myself most definitely included - didn't have any idea about these things when they were your age! I don't think you're too young to have worked these things out at all, and as I said I'm really happy for you and proud of you!
So your parents...yeah that sounds tough, dude
What are their general attitudes about homosexuality and GLBT issues? This matters because there's more than one way to 'want to seem perfect'. A family like that may be extremely disappointed and negative toward their child's coming out if it seemed to shatter their perfect image; however, it's also quite conceivable that your parents would feel like being anything less than accepting and supportive would tarnish their image. It really depends on how they view homosexuality and what they consider to be an appropriate 'perfect' reaction.
Next, let me be a bit optimistic here. Obviously I've never met your parents and have no idea what they're like beyond what you've briefly said in your post; however, there's every chance and likelihood that they love you a great deal and want the best for you. Just because they dote on the pets doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact on the bright side it shows that they're affectionate, loving people. It could be that they're simply more comfortable expressing affection for their pets than they are expressing it for their children. That's sad of course, but definitely within the realm of possibility. Relationships with pets are far simpler than relationships with other people and you never have to worry about rejection or embarrassment from a pet; the same can't necessarily be said about people. I'm reminded of a show I saw several years ago on TV. The father was comfortable saying 'I love you' to the dog, but had an inability to say it to his son. He loved his son very much though, he just couldn't say it. So all I'm really trying to say here is that your parents definitely need to let you know that they love you, but just because they're not good at expressing it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't feel it.
Regarding your new classmate, I'm pulling for you, dude! But do you have any reason to think he might be gay/bi? Or is simply that you're attracted to him and interested? I hope this doesn't depress you or disappoint you, but while the times are changing quickly on this score, you're in the minority of gay/bi people your age who have already worked it out and accepted it. Most people you know your age who really are gay or bi are not anywhere near having figured it out, accepted it, and being ready for any sort of a relationship. So even if he is gay, and even if he does have feelings for you...it might not be that simple; he may just not be ready yet, in fact I would speculate that chances are that's the case. Unfortunately, I also tend to counsel against dating guys that are more than a couple of years older than you, particularly at your age, so if you want my honest opinion I'd suggest resolving yourself to waiting a couple more years before you have a boyfriend.
However, as I said, I'm pulling for you and by all means go and make a new friend if you can! More friends never hurt, even more cute friends
Just accept that he might not be able (either because of his sexuality or simply because he isn't ready) to return your feelings on anything beyond a platonic level. If he is though: Great! 
Don't worry about being shy; lots of people of shy! You'll be fine on this score, just please try to be as receptive and friendly as possible when people do make a move and start talking to you/interacting with you
Regarding your friend, I'm very sanguine about your chances of having a good coming out experience with her! It is one thing to have casual gay friends and another thing entirely to have a gay best friend...but I still suspect that if she's genuinely okay with gay people then even if she is surprised by your revelation, and even if she does need some time to process it, she'll come around soon enough Just give her time to deal with it. In the end she'll likely conclude that if she can be supportive of her casual friends she can certainly be supportive of her best friend. So yeah, I personally would encourage you to consider telling her. Just be sure that you're ready and also be sure that she's not going to tell anyone else (otherwise be ready for the consequences if she does).
Anyway, good luck dude and welcome again
-Kevin
First off welcome to the forum! It's awesome having you here and I'm really glad that you've managed to work out your feelings and sexuality and starting taking steps toward living the sort of life that you want and need for yourself
That's a really big deal! Many people - myself most definitely included - didn't have any idea about these things when they were your age! I don't think you're too young to have worked these things out at all, and as I said I'm really happy for you and proud of you!
So your parents...yeah that sounds tough, dude
What are their general attitudes about homosexuality and GLBT issues? This matters because there's more than one way to 'want to seem perfect'. A family like that may be extremely disappointed and negative toward their child's coming out if it seemed to shatter their perfect image; however, it's also quite conceivable that your parents would feel like being anything less than accepting and supportive would tarnish their image. It really depends on how they view homosexuality and what they consider to be an appropriate 'perfect' reaction.
Next, let me be a bit optimistic here. Obviously I've never met your parents and have no idea what they're like beyond what you've briefly said in your post; however, there's every chance and likelihood that they love you a great deal and want the best for you. Just because they dote on the pets doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact on the bright side it shows that they're affectionate, loving people. It could be that they're simply more comfortable expressing affection for their pets than they are expressing it for their children. That's sad of course, but definitely within the realm of possibility. Relationships with pets are far simpler than relationships with other people and you never have to worry about rejection or embarrassment from a pet; the same can't necessarily be said about people. I'm reminded of a show I saw several years ago on TV. The father was comfortable saying 'I love you' to the dog, but had an inability to say it to his son. He loved his son very much though, he just couldn't say it. So all I'm really trying to say here is that your parents definitely need to let you know that they love you, but just because they're not good at expressing it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't feel it.
Regarding your new classmate, I'm pulling for you, dude! But do you have any reason to think he might be gay/bi? Or is simply that you're attracted to him and interested? I hope this doesn't depress you or disappoint you, but while the times are changing quickly on this score, you're in the minority of gay/bi people your age who have already worked it out and accepted it. Most people you know your age who really are gay or bi are not anywhere near having figured it out, accepted it, and being ready for any sort of a relationship. So even if he is gay, and even if he does have feelings for you...it might not be that simple; he may just not be ready yet, in fact I would speculate that chances are that's the case. Unfortunately, I also tend to counsel against dating guys that are more than a couple of years older than you, particularly at your age, so if you want my honest opinion I'd suggest resolving yourself to waiting a couple more years before you have a boyfriend.
However, as I said, I'm pulling for you and by all means go and make a new friend if you can! More friends never hurt, even more cute friends
Just accept that he might not be able (either because of his sexuality or simply because he isn't ready) to return your feelings on anything beyond a platonic level. If he is though: Great! Don't worry about being shy; lots of people of shy! You'll be fine on this score, just please try to be as receptive and friendly as possible when people do make a move and start talking to you/interacting with you
Regarding your friend, I'm very sanguine about your chances of having a good coming out experience with her! It is one thing to have casual gay friends and another thing entirely to have a gay best friend...but I still suspect that if she's genuinely okay with gay people then even if she is surprised by your revelation, and even if she does need some time to process it, she'll come around soon enough
Just give her time to deal with it. In the end she'll likely conclude that if she can be supportive of her casual friends she can certainly be supportive of her best friend. So yeah, I personally would encourage you to consider telling her. Just be sure that you're ready and also be sure that she's not going to tell anyone else (otherwise be ready for the consequences if she does).Anyway, good luck dude and welcome again
-Kevin
thanks, i think that i will talk to my friend before i tell her to see if she will be ookay with it, but if i do tell her it wont be for a little while. My parents though, they definately can wait.
Added: yeah, no way im telling them, they are just confusing the crap outta me. Though they do seem to dislike anything different... yeah, they can wait...
Added: yeah, no way im telling them, they are just confusing the crap outta me. Though they do seem to dislike anything different... yeah, they can wait...
Bry, you're not expected to tell them right away. Some wait until they reach adulthood. You've just now accepted it, and you are definitely not ready to take that step. It is a difficult situation. I didn't come out to my mom until recently, and I'm 25. There is no reason to rush. They may already suspect, and if that is the case, they are willing to wait until you are ready to tell them.
On a side not, I merged your last two posts.
On a side not, I merged your last two posts.
thanks, and i have known since i was like 11 and accepted it then, but im not ready for them to know, i doubt that they know too.
QUOTE (Tiger @ August 14 2008, 03:18 PM) 
Bry, you're not expected to tell them right away. )
Honestly? you don't have to tell them at all If you feel it will end bad, or they won't accept you, or you just don't want to. It's not uncommon for guys who know their gay and are okay with it, still closeted to a select few. For example I would never tell my parent's I'm gay, It's just not for me. Just remember it' your life, don't let someone else tell you what to do, you do what feels right, when it feels right.
Btw Welcome to the forums.
-Mike
QUOTE (bry_9316 @ August 15 2008, 12:00 PM)
thanks, and i have known since i was like 11 and accepted it then, but im not ready for them to know, i doubt that they know too.
As an aside, I also knew from when I was about 11, but I didn't accept it until I was forty
You're doing very, very well. The number one priority at your age is your safety and the second is your future. If you feel that telling someone is unsafe, then you wait until you feel it is safe. If you feel that telling your parents may mean things like cutting off your option for college, then don't tell them until you're financially independent, and/or after you've finished college.Good luck!
QUOTE (bry_9316 @ August 14 2008, 03:02 AM)
okay here it goes.
im new here and extremely confused about many, many things and i have what i guess you could say is a problem expressing my feelings. So this is a big step even coming on here. Well im not sure how my parents will react when they find out that im gay. I know that most people will say that i'm too young to know what i want, but im pretty sure that i am right about who i am, but my parents are what scare me. It may seem wrong to say that my parents pay more attention to our pets than me, but it has to be true because they dote upon them at every chance. My parents are the type that care more about seeming perfect for everyone else than actually being happy, so that is what makes me afraid of their reactions.
okay now that im through with that, there is this new kid at school and i really want to get to know him. Though i am unsure if he will even like me... One little tid bit that mught shed some light on this problem is that i am extremely shy when i am around anyone except a few select friends. Though i think i could come out to my best friend, she is like a sister to me and has other gay friends, but none as close as me. Im not sure she would take it well or not, its one thing to have gay friends who arent closed, but another to have your best friend be gay. Overall im confused and need help. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Yeah i'm like that now , its a big step for me too! God i'm dreading it as well. Yeah they sed that with me. Poor you , you need more attention! Read comicality's "Someone Somewhere" on his website. That helped me alot recently. When you do come out to your friend take her someone where private so she can't scream it out like my friend did put me in the doghouse!
Must talk to you more , i think you have a friend!
-B
im new here and extremely confused about many, many things and i have what i guess you could say is a problem expressing my feelings. So this is a big step even coming on here. Well im not sure how my parents will react when they find out that im gay. I know that most people will say that i'm too young to know what i want, but im pretty sure that i am right about who i am, but my parents are what scare me. It may seem wrong to say that my parents pay more attention to our pets than me, but it has to be true because they dote upon them at every chance. My parents are the type that care more about seeming perfect for everyone else than actually being happy, so that is what makes me afraid of their reactions.
okay now that im through with that, there is this new kid at school and i really want to get to know him. Though i am unsure if he will even like me... One little tid bit that mught shed some light on this problem is that i am extremely shy when i am around anyone except a few select friends. Though i think i could come out to my best friend, she is like a sister to me and has other gay friends, but none as close as me. Im not sure she would take it well or not, its one thing to have gay friends who arent closed, but another to have your best friend be gay. Overall im confused and need help. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Yeah i'm like that now , its a big step for me too! God i'm dreading it as well. Yeah they sed that with me. Poor you , you need more attention! Read comicality's "Someone Somewhere" on his website. That helped me alot recently. When you do come out to your friend take her someone where private so she can't scream it out like my friend did put me in the doghouse!
Must talk to you more , i think you have a friend!
-B
yeah i guess i will have to get her alone, she does have a big mouth, lol. U think u have a friend, i know you do.
I feel so stupid , i dont know where to talk. Where should i go
look at ur pms, i sent u a message
If you're uncertain how they'll take it, your best bet is to wait until you're financially independent. That means you're away at college on a mix of scholarships/loans that you don't have to rely on your parents for, or you've otherwise secured enough income to sustain yourself. You're several years away from having to worry about that, though. For now your best bet is to focus on the school work, get those As and set yourself up for a quality college.
As for the more personal aspects of life, Kevin gave pretty good advice with that. You're in an age group where many if not most of the guys who are gay don't realize/accept it yet so relationship-wise you may be in for a dearth of opportunity. On the other hand, you're also in high school... where there are plenty of cute guys to oggle - Enjoy this!
As for the more personal aspects of life, Kevin gave pretty good advice with that. You're in an age group where many if not most of the guys who are gay don't realize/accept it yet so relationship-wise you may be in for a dearth of opportunity. On the other hand, you're also in high school... where there are plenty of cute guys to oggle - Enjoy this!
Okay well its been a while since i have said anything on here, but now i have something to say. All the drama is gone, but now i like this one guy at my school, a different one than the one i said in here already. His name is Luke, and i really like him, but the only thing is tht i think he is straight... I don't know how to tell if he is or isnt.
Everyday at lunch we sit together with my friends, and we talk. He is really shy so i do most of the talking, but when he does talk, its even better. I have only known him for a week, but i think i have a major crush on him. I just dont know how to tell if he is interested.
Then there are my friends, i think they know that i am gay, but im not really sure. I want to tell some of them, but it could end up totally backfiring on me. One of my friends is like best friends with the one other gay kid at our school, so i know she would be okay with it. The only thing that is keeping me from telling her is her big mouth... When im with all of my friends i tend to get crazy, and for the first few days we scared Luke with our behavior. So we toned it down, in order to not freak him out, and i think it worked. He actually had a real conversation with us, so things are improving.
So basically i just want to find out if Luke is gay or straight, and wht to do with my friends. :]
- Bry
Everyday at lunch we sit together with my friends, and we talk. He is really shy so i do most of the talking, but when he does talk, its even better.
I have only known him for a week, but i think i have a major crush on him. I just dont know how to tell if he is interested. Then there are my friends, i think they know that i am gay, but im not really sure. I want to tell some of them, but it could end up totally backfiring on me. One of my friends is like best friends with the one other gay kid at our school, so i know she would be okay with it. The only thing that is keeping me from telling her is her big mouth... When im with all of my friends i tend to get crazy, and for the first few days we scared Luke with our behavior. So we toned it down, in order to not freak him out, and i think it worked. He actually had a real conversation with us, so things are improving.
So basically i just want to find out if Luke is gay or straight, and wht to do with my friends. :]
- Bry
Hey Bry
Well, I'm sure your judgment in this matter will be better than any of ours, but I guess I'll offer you my opinions.
I would say the best, and really the only, thing you can do right now with Luke is just to get to know him better and build a better friendship with him. You probably won't be able to tell whether he's gay or straight at this point, but if he's a cool guy that you like as a person then being his friend definitely can't hurt.
I would also encourage you to not pin too many expectations on him. It's fine, great even, to think he's cute and to enjoy spending time with him, but try not to 'fall too hard' for him. Even if he does turn out to be gay and interested it's probably still a good idea to start slow. So I would encourage you to just get to know him as a friend and just think of his as a cute, nice guy, but not necessarily as 'boyfriend material'. Take your time with him
As for you friends, well it sounds like you know them pretty well. If you think this girl would be cool with your sexuality then you're probably right. If you think she'll open her big mouth and gossip about...well you're probably right. So I would suggest that you just take comfort in the fact that you know you have her friendship either way, but I would hold off on telling her unless you're prepared for everyone else to know as well.
So I guess really, what it comes down to with both of them, is that I suggest you take what you can safely get: friendship, fun, support, a bit of simple happiness, etc., but try to relax and be patient; there's a good chance that at this point they're not ready to be your boyfriend and your most trusted confidant.
But, yeah, that's just my opinion
Take care, dude, and good luck!
-Kevin
Well, I'm sure your judgment in this matter will be better than any of ours, but I guess I'll offer you my opinions.
I would say the best, and really the only, thing you can do right now with Luke is just to get to know him better and build a better friendship with him. You probably won't be able to tell whether he's gay or straight at this point, but if he's a cool guy that you like as a person then being his friend definitely can't hurt.
I would also encourage you to not pin too many expectations on him. It's fine, great even, to think he's cute and to enjoy spending time with him, but try not to 'fall too hard' for him. Even if he does turn out to be gay and interested it's probably still a good idea to start slow. So I would encourage you to just get to know him as a friend and just think of his as a cute, nice guy, but not necessarily as 'boyfriend material'. Take your time with him
As for you friends, well it sounds like you know them pretty well. If you think this girl would be cool with your sexuality then you're probably right. If you think she'll open her big mouth and gossip about...well you're probably right. So I would suggest that you just take comfort in the fact that you know you have her friendship either way, but I would hold off on telling her unless you're prepared for everyone else to know as well.
So I guess really, what it comes down to with both of them, is that I suggest you take what you can safely get: friendship, fun, support, a bit of simple happiness, etc., but try to relax and be patient; there's a good chance that at this point they're not ready to be your boyfriend and your most trusted confidant.
But, yeah, that's just my opinion
Take care, dude, and good luck!
-Kevin
QUOTE (bry_9316 @ August 13 2008, 10:02 PM)
okay here it goes.
im new here and extremely confused about many, many things and i have what i guess you could say is a problem expressing my feelings. So this is a big step even coming on here. Well im not sure how my parents will react when they find out that im gay. I know that most people will say that i'm too young to know what i want, but im pretty sure that i am right about who i am, but my parents are what scare me. It may seem wrong to say that my parents pay more attention to our pets than me, but it has to be true because they dote upon them at every chance. My parents are the type that care more about seeming perfect for everyone else than actually being happy, so that is what makes me afraid of their reactions.
okay now that im through with that, there is this new kid at school and i really want to get to know him. Though i am unsure if he will even like me... One little tid bit that mught shed some light on this problem is that i am extremely shy when i am around anyone except a few select friends. Though i think i could come out to my best friend, she is like a sister to me and has other gay friends, but none as close as me. Im not sure she would take it well or not, its one thing to have gay friends who arent closed, but another to have your best friend be gay. Overall im confused and need help. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-B
im new here and extremely confused about many, many things and i have what i guess you could say is a problem expressing my feelings. So this is a big step even coming on here. Well im not sure how my parents will react when they find out that im gay. I know that most people will say that i'm too young to know what i want, but im pretty sure that i am right about who i am, but my parents are what scare me. It may seem wrong to say that my parents pay more attention to our pets than me, but it has to be true because they dote upon them at every chance. My parents are the type that care more about seeming perfect for everyone else than actually being happy, so that is what makes me afraid of their reactions.
okay now that im through with that, there is this new kid at school and i really want to get to know him. Though i am unsure if he will even like me... One little tid bit that mught shed some light on this problem is that i am extremely shy when i am around anyone except a few select friends. Though i think i could come out to my best friend, she is like a sister to me and has other gay friends, but none as close as me. Im not sure she would take it well or not, its one thing to have gay friends who arent closed, but another to have your best friend be gay. Overall im confused and need help. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-B
Dear Bry+9316,
Wow! I think you are lucky to know who you are so young. I was 18 before I realised I was gay and, of course, by then I was much less under close parental control (though they paid for me to go to university until I was 23 - I did two years national service!)
May I say that I think your big danger is that you might get hurt and that you should be careful to avoid that. The first thing you need is someone you can talk to and so I think you should sound out your best friend (or even more than one friend). With a little ingenuity you should be able to find out what their attitude to gay people is before you have to come out and say "I'm gay" so that might not be too big a risk.
Then life will be a lot easier as you will have someone who you can consult when you don't know what to do or are feeling low about life. And you might do well to begin by talking about how shy you are and asking her help in overcoming it. She might even help you to come 'out' to her. You never know.
Love,
Anthony
(an old man of 73 who thinks the world is getting to be a kinder place)
Hey,
Well nothing really bad has happened, but i felt like i should update everyone, cuz well im bored. So i came out to my best friend heather yesterday and it was a success in my eyes, because she didnt run away from me. She just kinda didnt realize it, and then went 'so you like guys?!?!' lol it was a very nervous thing to go through and im pretty sure i wont be doing it again soon... But i want to thank all of you that gave me advice, it paid off in the end and now im not totally alone off of here so yea, you guys are awesome, and i just want you to know that.
bry
p.s. the guy i like is getting closer to me and im trying to be his friend, i hope it goes further
Well nothing really bad has happened, but i felt like i should update everyone, cuz well im bored. So i came out to my best friend heather yesterday and it was a success in my eyes, because she didnt run away from me. She just kinda didnt realize it, and then went 'so you like guys?!?!' lol it was a very nervous thing to go through and im pretty sure i wont be doing it again soon... But i want to thank all of you that gave me advice, it paid off in the end and now im not totally alone off of here
so yea, you guys are awesome, and i just want you to know that. bry
p.s. the guy i like is getting closer to me and im trying to be his friend, i hope it goes further
Aww sweetheart I'm so happy for you! 
And yea, coming out, even to your best friend(s) can be stressful. I know I thought about it for days on end before I blurted it out one day at the end of school to some of my closest friends. Thankfully they didn't seem to be weirded out by it. They actually seemed like they already knew lol.
But even now, when I completely accept myself and my friends accept me and love me, I still feel a little uncomfortable coming out to new people, like new friends at school. The point is, you have to trust your friends to accept you and still love you, and if they don't then they weren't your real friends to begin with. Everything takes time, just go at it one step at a time and it will all work out in the end.
And if you're still worried, there's a saying out there, "Everything will work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end."
And yea, coming out, even to your best friend(s) can be stressful. I know I thought about it for days on end before I blurted it out one day at the end of school to some of my closest friends. Thankfully they didn't seem to be weirded out by it. They actually seemed like they already knew lol.But even now, when I completely accept myself and my friends accept me and love me, I still feel a little uncomfortable coming out to new people, like new friends at school. The point is, you have to trust your friends to accept you and still love you, and if they don't then they weren't your real friends to begin with. Everything takes time, just go at it one step at a time and it will all work out in the end.
And if you're still worried, there's a saying out there, "Everything will work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end."
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