WOW! I must say I thought this was an excellent story! It was filled with excitement, humour and romance! Once again Camy's exceptional skill at characterization shines through.

I got a huge kick out of the way this story started with Davey not realizing he was naked! It was really amusing. I also loved how the early reference to Nifty that was thrown in, it could almost have been GA for that matter lol!

Then in the next scene change to Jack I found this particularly amusing:



Clearly Sid was pulling out all the stops when it came to being seductive Sid was definitely a very fascinating character. I don't want to reveal more of the story incase others haven't read it yet, but I do hope the final scene with hinted at the possibility of a sequal is true. I could almost feel malicious eyes watching...

Anyway teriffic job, Camy!! And please share more of your writing with us, be it related to this story (please!), or other work.

Kevin

Camy, this is exquisite!
The humor, and the drama, plus the incredibly rich descriptions (the "snickety snack" of the knife was especially good).

This is really, really good Camy. The timing and pacing was superb, as the plot just kept moving faster and faster. I noticed how you skipped their evening out, and that really ramped up the pace IMHO.

Excellent character development, as well. This would be first-rate development for a novel, but to see it in a short story is spectacular.

The use of English colloquialisms really added to the atmosphere for me, too.

BTW, I certainly hope that the "no sequels" part doesn't apply to the story!!!

This is one of my favorite short stories ever. Really top-notch, Camy!!

Wow! Thanks guys, really, seriously. I'm grinning like no emoticon could. x 10 gazillion!

Camy

A really outstanding read, Camy! Your character development is supurb and the plot flowed most naturally. Your use of language adds a unique flavor to the writing and your characters were believeable and approachable. I'd really like to "help" and suggest something that might have been improved upon, but I didn't find ANY flaws. Most enjoyable!

--Sterling

I agree - great story Camy!

I also read Robert's Day today - also well done.

A nice style and solid character development.

Congrats!

Centaur

What a great story! I'll disagree gently with an earlier post or two: This story is not a great foundation for a sequel. If Camy wrote it with that in mind, he fooled me completely. I see it as a self-contained short story from start to finish. The characters are defined as needed for the story, no more, no less. I'll echo several others: the pace is perfect. The decision (if Camy even had to think about it), to skip over Davey and Jack's get-acquainted evening, was obviously correct. Even so, there's a lot going on in this story, more than I would have been able to juggle in this short space. Camy pulled it off beautifully, and I cannot think of a thread or character that I would drop. A great illustration of pace isWe learn so much with so little here. No time for the reader to boggle at this scene; the plot races on!

A quibble: I think Camy might have gone a tad overboard vilifying Sid. My favorite illustration of this is (emphasis mine)Surely, in the midst of this emergency, Ant does not stop to notice that Sid's locks, soaked with water, are in addition greasy. Surely, Camy means that Ant's image of Sid is a slimy character, whose locks would of course be greasy. This passage brought to mind Snidely Whiplash.

Among the minor benefits, several words were new to me. I'll have to file the verb "hawk" away for reuse.

Yep! One of the great put downs at school was calling someone a 'smelly greasy haired git'.
Snidely Whiplash indeed!


It is a good word! and very onomatopoeic.

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Thanks everyone for reading, and thanks for taking the time to comment

Camy