Hi all,

I just posted a new story in efiction called 'Robbert's Day'. you can get to it here
http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewstory.php?sid=34

I'd really like to hear what you all think of it

Cheers

Camy

I really liked it, Camy!

I liked the way you make the reader figure out what is going on, and what has happened in the past. A very fine job, my friend!

One of the other things i very much like, the description of a sound "snick", that really fit and gave fullness and reality to the scene.

Thanks for a great story!
CJ

Awesome job, Camy!

I loved the story. I teared up a bit at the end. I guess I suspected what was going to happen about half-way through, but I still need that final confirmation that came right in the last few paragraphs! I really loved the ending too!



I'm curious to know if Robert's parents were murdered or if it was just an accident. I guess the suspicion naturally falls on Robert's aunt and uncle since not only do they seem dreadful, but the family was coming from visiting them and they would have been the ones with the opportunity. Of course given their religious feelings you wouldn't think they'd result to murder, on the other hand I guess there's no telling what people will consider a "crusade".

My main wondering revolved around what happened with Eddie. Is he dead too? I definitely got the impression he was, but I don't see how. Was he with Robert and his family that day?

I also loved how just when the reader had conclusive "proof" of what they had probably long suspected, everything went in another (happier) direction!

I really hope Robert decides to take that passport out of the box and hit the road!!


Anyway it was a really awesome story! Thanks for sharing it with us!

Have an awesome day and take care!

Kevin

Thanks guys! I really appreciate you commenting. It brings a tear to the eye and definitely makes my day.

I love onomatopoeia CJ, I like the word 'Onomatopoeia' as well, and though you can't work it into a story that easily I'm trying.

As to your questions Kevin, the Police couldn't bring charges though they wanted to, and Eddie was in the car with the family that day. I can't really say a lot more.

Camy

I too liked the story. Excellent pace. When you know (think you know) a short story is heading for brutal climax, it has to move fast, and this one does. Every word must count. The story got me thinking, but I'll withhold my conclusions for a while.

Thank you Knotme - who was Oahu.
Did you ever come up with a conculsion or are you still pondering?

My take on this story hasn't changed much from my PM to you a while back. (I haven't figured out what switch to throw to save a copies of my sent PM's, so I cannot say when I sent it.) For me, the climax of the story is Robert's coming to grips with the fact that Eddie, the love of his life, now lives on only in the hearts of living beings like Robert: no Robert, no Eddie. So if Robert follows through with his meticulous plan, he's lost Eddie forever. The story ends abruptly, and we readers don't know what Robert is going to do with this realization. He's wavering slightly at the very end, but my feeling this minute is that he stays on course and blows his head off. Maybe tomorrow I'll think that he grabs the passport and splits. But probably not. Robert has been been so thoroughly broken.

I just learned how a couple of days ago! When you're sending a PM at the bottom of the box right above "send message" is an "options section" click "Add a copy of this message to my sent items folder" and you should be set!

WOW! VERY interesting take! For me I was sure that he wasn't going to commit suicide. I was hoping he'd take the passport and run too, but my guess is that he stays for at least a little while longer. I love your take on people living on in the hearts of their loved ones. I hadn't thought of it at all like that until you mentioned it. Perhaps in a way Robert would be "killing" Eddie all over again? At least to a small extent anyway.

Anyway take care and have an awesome day!
Kevin

Hey, thanks!

Yes! And we'd like to think that Robert would then change course. But he's so messed up.

Well, Kevin, nobody else has spoken up yet, but, reading between the lines of Kitty's response, I think you are more in tune with Camy, and I'm off key. As I noted in RHawes16's forum, a story can reflect the reader. I admitted there that I'm a glass-half-fullempty guy. (I should abandon that phrase, 'cause I usually get it backwards. )

I'm not apologizing for that, by the way. Property applied--not merely moaning around the cooler (fountain? bubbler?)--a pessimistic outlook can help avoid disasters like the flooding of New Orleans.

km

It's Robert's story, and though I've tried several times he hasn't responded to my emails - so I can't definitely say he did or didn't...

In the UK we say 'whinging around the photocopier'. That's 'cause water coolers, like air conditioning haven't caught on over here yet. Give it another few decades and we'll be 'moaning around the cooler' no doubt.

So ... you're saying a pessimist living in New Orleans would wear a wet suit to work?

No, I'm saying that a constructive pessimist wouldn't have been satisfied with the design for the levies and might have done something about it.

SPOILER..... don't read if you haven't read the story yet!

I love a good dark story. (My fall anthology submission will give credence to that effect) The beginning for me was a touch rough, but damn I LOVED it. From the start I figured either he was leaving 'the area' or 'this world'. I just couldn't tell for sure which until he grabbed the shotgun. Then I had no doubt.

The really interesting thing for me, was... It seems pretty obvious to me that he chose not to do it. Did anyone else come to this conclusion? Why would anyone worry about explaining a burnt up basket, if they didn't plan on sticking around.

Great story! Thank you for sharing it with us. I don't regret a single second it took to suck in every sentence.

Thank you!
Shannon

Thank you so much!