Here you go. Discuss whatever you want.

Story link: http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewstory.php?sid=154

JAck, All I want to know is: When is the next chapter?

I won't spoil it this early in the thread, but suffice it to say I loved the lead in, and the resolution of that particular issue.

This is great, and I hope you keep the story going!
CJ

Thanks a lot, you silly goat.


I'd give it a week or so, but it will be out before I leave for Canada for a week on Sept. 1st.

Great start! I love the sense of place. I can see myself losing footing and grabbing for that rope.

Well, this silly goat is delighted to hear that we get a new chapter soon!

HAve yourself a fun trip to Canada, too!

Hey Jack!

Congratulations on posting Chapter One of Moving On! I really liked it (as I said before in my email). I am looking forward to reading more about Steph and Ben!

Awesome start, and good luck. Keep the chapters coming!


Centaur


P.S. I couldn't let all the goats have the fun... chuckle.

I like the First chapter Jack, Glad he's over the cutting but it can come back, Can't wait to hear more about Ben and Steph.

Thank you all for kind replies.

Chapter Two is now out.

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...0&chapter=2

I loved it! Very intriguing. I loved the introspective way it opened.

Spoiler below: Highlight to see the text, but ONLY if you have read the chapter!

I'm perplexed by Steph's initial reaction when Ben came out to him. I suspect a plot twist here, can't wait to see what happens!

I agree - nice job Jack! Another great chapter.

I'm really enjoying Ben as a character - a nice fresh approach.

And I found myself laughing out loud at a couple of comments, so you know I like the story when that happens.

Keep it up Jack - it's definitely worth a read.

Centaur

By the way, everyone!

I can add your email to my address book to notify you of updates for your convidience. Just PM me your email.



Thanks for the comments Centaur and CJames.

Wonder if Steph will come out to Ben?

Ok I am Like the story so far alittle miffft at steph reaction to ben's comming out but hey I guess I shouldent expet open arms from someone that is made at himself for being gay.

Good Job I can't wait to read More

Chris

Maybe or maybe not...i can just keep Steph in the closet for the whole chapter. Who knows.

The story is giving me a pretty good feel for the place. It was fun seeing Steph trying so hard to help that he wouldn't let Ben get a word in edgewise

People rarely slip and hit their heads, but then they do, it can be very serious. Near me recently, a boy of 16 apparently slipped, hit his head, and died in a foot of water within a 100 yards of home. I worry about a kid who cannot protect his head when he falls on slippery ice. He's gonna fall a lot; it goes with the territory, but if he cannot protect his head, he's not safe walking alone to and from the bus stop.

I too am disappointed at and a little confused by Steph's reaction. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, given that Ben is new, unlikely to be trying to trap him, and even if he is, he doesn't yet have the social network to give Steph grief even if he wanted to. Plus, Steph had already considered that Ben might be gay, so Ben's announcement is not a blow out of nowhere.

I felt that Steph's reaction was understandable. He had convinced himself that he was the lone gay guy in his sphere and had resigned himself to what he considered to be fact. Even though he finds himself attracted to Ben and has thoughts about 'what if?', actually having Ben tell him that he's gay just sort of knocked Steph for a loop. He wasn't prepared for that reality to actually rear its head. Now we'll just have to see how Jack has Steph deal with the shift in his reality. I'm certainly looking forward to the next chapter. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink )

Sharon

Me too, but if Steph stays macho-hetero to Ben all chapter, I'll be really steamed.

Eh...I guess that is where I made a flaw (I was afraid I would make one at that scene).

I guess I should've said about his head hitting couple inches of snow covering the ice (except little markshift trail free of snow across the lake where Steph use to walk across). The snow would provide some cushion and minimize the damage to his head.

Well I didn't catch it either. Guess I'll have to brush up on my medical knowledge.

Sharon

Hey, wait a minute. I'm not saying falling on one's head is always serious. Just that I'd like my protagonist to be a little more careful.

Whew - glad you cleared that up. I had a hard enough time with the French. That medical text was really heavy.

Sharon

Damn you, Knotme.


I will leave it as it is. My intention is to image Steph falling while being helped up after falling on his ass, so he didn't take a long fall...just by few feet. I guess I wasn't very clear there, but maybe I'll fix it when I finish the story...I'm such a perfectionist.



Now about Chapter 3, allow me two weeks to make one. I just started writing out main plots before officially starting writing for that chapter.

Sharon, as always, I'll keep you posted on the progress.

Non! Oubliez ca! Deux semaines ne sont pas acceptable. Une semaine seulement.

*ducks shotgun blast*

Remember that there are lots of Canadians here who'll be keeping un oeuil on your French.

Ok, Steph reacted the way he did intentionly. He needs to make sure Benoit is not setting him up.

Conner

O_O Tu as osé me vouvouyer! S'il te plaît, sois libre de me tutoyer parce que je ne suis pas un vieillard. Mais crisse, tu as toutefois parlé un bon français...bravo! Mais je ne pouvais pas dénier qu'il y avait deux fautes. Oh...je suis très déçu en toi!

Deux semaines ne sont pas acceptable. ---> Deux semaines n'est pas acceptable.
un oeuil ---> Un oeil

Et aucun Canadien ne gardera un oeil sur les fautes dans mon français parce que mon chum est Québécois et le français est sa langue maternelle. Il corrige mon français quand il voit une faute.

Ouais, deux semaines, tu ferais mieux t'être habitué à ça.

Translation: O_O You dared to use "vous" with me! Please, be free to use "tu" because I'm not an old man. But, dammit, you have however spoken a good French...bravo! But I cannot deny there were two mistakes. Oh I am very disappointed in you!

And no Canadian will watch for the mistakes in my French because my boyfriend is a Quebecer and French is his mother tongue. He corrects my French when he sees a mistake.

Yes, two weeks, you better get used to it.

I give up! I surrender! No way am I taking on a Quebecois. Two weeks it is.

A French Canadian bf, eh? Nice going! I now hold you in much greater esteem. There are a lot of French Canadians in the Vancouver area.

Seriously, I'm enjoying your story and anxious to read more.

Conner

I'm American, not Québécois.

*bumps*

I can't let this disappear.

The next chapter is about 3/4 done.

Two weeks, eh? Me thinks you're spending too much time talking to your French Canadian bf!

I'll try to be patient. If I have an anxiety attack, it'll be your fault!

Conner

Jack, get writing, because we don't want Conner to have an anxiety attack. Have you ever seen a Goat with an anxiety attack? Not something you want to see, trust me! <shudder>

I can't believe you left us hanging there with the way her reacted to the news. That is just WRONG! Hmm... I'm getting to know a bit more of the torment I put my readers through. It's not as much fun on this end of the cliffhanger. You definately got me hooked!

I read this a few days, and though I had posted a comment, but either I'm insane, or just somehow forgot, because I sure don't see one.

I like this story, and I want to read more.

Thanks.

Well, I have authors leaving me hanging for WEEKS...so I decided to do a little revenge on some.


If a goat get sick, it's easy...I shoot it.



Yea, remind me not to say the time when I will finish. It always seems I go beyond what I predicted. I usually write several sentences to highlight the scenes in few words when I start a chapter. For this chapter, it's much different than I've planned out.

The problem with GA is that there is way too much good fiction to read.

So as I'm late to the party I'll just head to the kitchen, grab a beer and wait for chapter 3

Salut

Camy

I know you all will be happy to hear I just sent the chapter to Sharon to let her do her magic. Expect a release within few days.

Abracadabra, a little sleight of hand and misdirection, lots of mirrors, and the gold coin is now back behind Jack’s ear.

Sharon

Now if he would only show it to us... ...of course, I really don't have any room to talk , I'm a little behind on posting chapters also

I don't feel behind releasing chapters. Time can vary, simple as that.

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...4&chapter=3

come on steph kiss ben back.

Steph definitly needs to sort things out soon; Ben is too good to leave hanging!

I just discovered this story tonight and couldn’t stop reading. Great job Jack!

I needed to remind myself that the three chapters described the events of one day. During this one day Ben already came out to Steph, which is pretty bold on his part. But I am not surprised that Steph didn’t do the same. Only this morning Steph came out to himself really (beginning of chapter 1) when he admitted to himself that he is gay and this is not a phase.

Now the end of chapter 3 is really fascinating. Ben reveals in his dream that he still loves somebody else, and he is not over that yet. So I think that Steph should take it slow.

Hugs,
Michael.

I forgot to mention that I loved the way the balance of power shifts in this story from Steph to Ben and then back to Steph. At first, Steph is in “control” when he takes charge of showing Ben around the school. He pushes Ben into the French class, he tells him what to eat, and he invites him to his own home using a trail which is his own territory. In other words, he has the upper hand up to the point where he falls on his head. After the fall, they are in Ben’s territory, and Ben has the upper hand. He beats Steph in a video game and he pins him down when they wrestle. Finally, the balance of power switches back to Steph after Ben comes out to him, and even more so after the dream. Ben revealed some personal things to Stephen but not vice versa. So now Stephen has the upper hand again.

About Stephen coming out, I think that now after Ben told him that his “friends” ditched him when he came out, Steph’s confidence about coming out is even lower.

Finally, about Stephen cutting himself, I am not sure why he was doing it. He hated the fact that he is attracted to boys and that he has to hide who he is from his friends. But what was he trying to achieve with cutting himself? Did he think that gayness is some “virus” that floats in his blood, and if he bleeds enough times, that virus might eventually leave his body with the blood? I guess gay teens that are denial have many different ways to tray and change who they are, and cutting himself is one of them.

Awesome story!

Hugs,
Michael.

I'll tell you why I brought out the cutting factor. It's because I used to do it. Not because of my sexuality, just for few stupid reasons...to see blood, get scars, and just do it for no reason. In the story, I put many parts of experiences from my life. If you can figure out the puzzle I snuck into the chapters....I'll adore you and give you a cookie.


About the power shifts. Wow...you got a good eye there. I never thought of it...I just write it down without thinking or planning that.

It's neat to hear from the thoughts of other minds.

I'm sorry to hear that the cutting came from your own past, though to be honest I wondered about that when I saw it. Kudos to you for putting it behind you!

So, there is a puzzle in the chapters, eh? Hmmmmm!!! Sneaky! I like it! Time to go searching...

Guess it's a good thing I can bake my own cookies.

Sharon

Thanks for reminding me. I shouldn't be too hard to Steph. He's doing well for his first day. Two points about this. First, I'm so glad that this scene didn't end in the cliche: Ben admitting that he was awake all the time. Second, I applaud Jack's scheme to leak information around Steph to us: Ben dreams out loud in a language that Steph cannot understand, but which we can (even if the author didn't oblige us with ready translation.) Cool! Well then, I certainly hope that Jack and Steph have both Moved On from cutting! This makes me think of the role of a prolog in a story. If Steph had put cutting behind him in a prolog than I would be more sure that cutting would not return. But he didn't. So I'm not. On the other hand, with the overall theme being Moving On, we can hope that Steph won't revert.

Hey guys...I just started writing the next chapter. I'll try to get it done before I go to Canada on the 10th. But I won't promise anything.

Take your time Jack. It's a great story, worth waiting.

Hugs,
Michael.

Tata!

Chapter 4...

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...4&chapter=4

Okay, here goes. First off, I like the setting. You've obviously written about an area you're familiar with and like very much. Good job with that. The characters, well, as the chapters progress, I am finally getting a sense of who they are. I have to admit that I didn't really care for Chapt 1 that much, but I did like it enough to keep reading. I had the same issues with my own story. I still hate chapter 1 of my story after two rewrites! GRRR! Also, don't be afraid to use contractions. I saw several "can not"s and "do not"s that simply would have read easier as "Can't" or "Don't" and be more realistic in the way kids speak.

Thing is as the story progresses the characters become more real. That's what I'm seeing here. If I have any other criticism, it's only that at times Steph seems too mature, especially in his rationalizations and thought processes. He's not coming across to me as an average teen. Yeah, I know, what is an average teen? I guess what I mean to say there is that he needs to cut loose. Do or say something absolutely off the wall or stupid like we all did at that age.

Now for the good stuff. I like the plot line so far. I only wonder about Steph's reaction to Ben's coming out in the earlier chapter. It was hard to understand with the final scene in this chapter, but I assume some explanation of that is coming later.
I also loved the scene where Ben falls asleep. Very cute The best part of Chapt 1 was the two friends. Alex and Krist. They were developed and itroduced well, and I personally would like to see more interaction with them. Especially Krist! very intriguing character! good dialogue with them too. The good job with those guys is probably what kept me interested in the story. I don't know, I'm weird that way. I pick up on the minor stuff. Finally, I absolutely love the bilingual idea. I only wish I spoke something other than southern drawl. Oh well.

You're story's on my reading list. Good luck!

Rick