Hi,
I have recently posted my first attempt at writing, At The Rose Hotel, at the eFiction section.
If members have the time to give some feedback and constructive advice it would be very much appreciated. The aim was to write something that had a clear story line but that also featured speech - the latter was quite hard to do. The one reviewer seemed to be OK on the story but found some of my expressions made him laugh (when they were not meant to).
It would be great to know how to reduce this effect and to improve my style.
If you have a look at the story could you let me know if its worth continuing with a sequel?
May I thank in advance anyone who gives feedback - much appreciated
manshimajin
Full Version: At The Rose Hotel - First Attempt
manshimajin,
I loved your story. It is so hot - truly arousing in its sexuality. Fantastic first effort.
Now I've got my breath back from reading it may I encourage you please to keep going? You have taken on board a number of difficult challenges and are doing just fine. Your writing style is great. Just a few comments I hope will help you...
Speech itself is difficult to get a flow into - you are doing remarkably well for a new boy on the block. Some of the dialogue was incredibly intense and evocative. You may want to tone down just a little on occasions.
The story line was cleverly constructed. Your character, Jason, has been faced by you with a real dilemma! It might have rounded it a little bit if he already had thoughts about his own sexuality before taking the job, What do you think?
But I just loved so much the 'naughty' nature of the hotel and its modus operandi. Would love to find one like that!!! That was great.
Most of all though I could feel you really trying to come to terms with how a youth would feel emotionally when facing up to a gay lifestyle and losing his virginity.
Obviously stories have to truncate this watershed. But you tried so hard both to give some sense to the conflict in his mind and to the irresistable desires of the hotel manager. It was soooo sexy! I wish I'd been either of them, I was sweating when I read it (so congrats).
A sequel would be stunning - please do give it a go - I can only imagine what could happen next - I'd love to read it.
I loved your story. It is so hot - truly arousing in its sexuality. Fantastic first effort.
Now I've got my breath back from reading it may I encourage you please to keep going? You have taken on board a number of difficult challenges and are doing just fine. Your writing style is great. Just a few comments I hope will help you...
Speech itself is difficult to get a flow into - you are doing remarkably well for a new boy on the block. Some of the dialogue was incredibly intense and evocative. You may want to tone down just a little on occasions.
The story line was cleverly constructed. Your character, Jason, has been faced by you with a real dilemma! It might have rounded it a little bit if he already had thoughts about his own sexuality before taking the job, What do you think?
But I just loved so much the 'naughty' nature of the hotel and its modus operandi. Would love to find one like that!!! That was great.
Most of all though I could feel you really trying to come to terms with how a youth would feel emotionally when facing up to a gay lifestyle and losing his virginity.
Obviously stories have to truncate this watershed. But you tried so hard both to give some sense to the conflict in his mind and to the irresistable desires of the hotel manager. It was soooo sexy! I wish I'd been either of them, I was sweating when I read it (so congrats).
A sequel would be stunning - please do give it a go - I can only imagine what could happen next - I'd love to read it.
QUOTE (darknightwood @ September 7 2006, 04:16 PM) 
manshimajin,
Your character, Jason, has been faced by you with a real dilemma! It might have rounded it a little bit if he already had thoughts about his own sexuality before taking the job, What do you think?
Most of all though I could feel you really trying to come to terms with how a youth would feel emotionally when facing up to a gay lifestyle and losing his virginity.
Obviously stories have to truncate this watershed.
Your character, Jason, has been faced by you with a real dilemma! It might have rounded it a little bit if he already had thoughts about his own sexuality before taking the job, What do you think?
Most of all though I could feel you really trying to come to terms with how a youth would feel emotionally when facing up to a gay lifestyle and losing his virginity.
Obviously stories have to truncate this watershed.
Darknightwood,
Thank you for your encouraging comments.
In retrospect I understand what you mean. I found it a big challenge to try and deal with the seduction scene; to make it both emotional and real. If I had included Jason's questionning of his sexuality at the start of the story it would have made this scene flow more easily. Thanks for the idea. Also you make a valid point about timeframes. The nature of a short story means that events that occur in real life over days, weeks, or even months are compressed into one day.
You were very kind to write.
Wow, congrads on the story, it was extremely sexy.
One element that I thought was very cool throughout the peice was your interplay of Greek times. Your story reminds me of those of say Alexander the great and his multiple younger lovers and his relationship with the older Aristotle. The element that yes there is an age difference and throughout the piece you see the idea of coming to age and sexuality.
It interested me that Andre was also so unyielding. It oddly added to the story instead of making it an awkward situation. I am interested to see how Andre will react to the other patrons of the hotel later, if the piece continues.
In terms of your dialog I thought it worked fairly well. The flow was not disrupted between dialog and story. It also did not hurt the story at all.
Overall I thought the story was quite good. I would look into developing the characters if you continue writing. The theme of sexuality will def. lead to interesting places. I'm greatly looking forward to further chapters/stories.
One element that I thought was very cool throughout the peice was your interplay of Greek times. Your story reminds me of those of say Alexander the great and his multiple younger lovers and his relationship with the older Aristotle. The element that yes there is an age difference and throughout the piece you see the idea of coming to age and sexuality.
It interested me that Andre was also so unyielding. It oddly added to the story instead of making it an awkward situation. I am interested to see how Andre will react to the other patrons of the hotel later, if the piece continues.
In terms of your dialog I thought it worked fairly well. The flow was not disrupted between dialog and story. It also did not hurt the story at all.
Overall I thought the story was quite good. I would look into developing the characters if you continue writing. The theme of sexuality will def. lead to interesting places. I'm greatly looking forward to further chapters/stories.
Canon Blaze, thank you very much for your comments - and insights.
I found your comments both helpful and very thoughtful. In retrospect I think ttat it would have definitely been better if I had explored Jason's sexuality at the start so the relationship with Andre's own desires might have been more erotically tense.
You mention Andre being unyielding - I was not quite sure of the meaning of your thoughts - if you have time could you explain this a little more for me please?
I am thinking about Chapter 2 - no doubt this will involve the guests' desires for Jason and the blossoming of his own sexual feelings. Your idea about Andre's response is fascinating - I had not really thought of this angle. Also will Jason be a submissive or dominant personality? I suspect the former is more likely.
Many thsnks for your kindness in commenting for me, Manshimajin
I found your comments both helpful and very thoughtful. In retrospect I think ttat it would have definitely been better if I had explored Jason's sexuality at the start so the relationship with Andre's own desires might have been more erotically tense.
You mention Andre being unyielding - I was not quite sure of the meaning of your thoughts - if you have time could you explain this a little more for me please?
I am thinking about Chapter 2 - no doubt this will involve the guests' desires for Jason and the blossoming of his own sexual feelings. Your idea about Andre's response is fascinating - I had not really thought of this angle. Also will Jason be a submissive or dominant personality? I suspect the former is more likely.
Many thsnks for your kindness in commenting for me, Manshimajin
QUOTE (Canon Blaze @ September 29 2006, 03:41 PM)
The element that yes there is an age difference and throughout the piece you see the idea of coming to age and sexuality.
It interested me that Andre was also so unyielding. It oddly added to the story instead of making it an awkward situation. I am interested to see how Andre will react to the other patrons of the hotel later, if the piece continues.
I would look into developing the characters if you continue writing.
It interested me that Andre was also so unyielding. It oddly added to the story instead of making it an awkward situation. I am interested to see how Andre will react to the other patrons of the hotel later, if the piece continues.
I would look into developing the characters if you continue writing.
QUOTE (Canon Blaze @ September 29 2006, 03:41 PM)
One element that I thought was very cool throughout the peice was your interplay of Greek times. Your story reminds me of those of say Alexander the great and his multiple younger lovers and his relationship with the older Aristotle. The element that yes there is an age difference and throughout the piece you see the idea of coming to age and sexuality.
Click to view attachment
Canon Blaze you set me thinking over the weekend - one of the enduring images I have had through life is the attached that is from a National Geographic book called 'Everyday Life In Ancient Times' that my brother and I were given when we were young.
As I grew up this painting of a Greek potter and his helper always stuck in my mind and may be a subliminal influence on the old/younger relationship of Andre and Jason. Often I have wondered what would happen when the day was over and fantasised about it, thinking of the older man teaching the younger one the ways of male sexuality.
Very interesting to see how some of your inspiration has come from an image in youth.
To attempt to clarify, I saw Andre has unyielding in terms of his sexual advances. He was given many opportunities to slow don't, not take the next step, however at each moment he slowed but continued. He continued to lead Jason down the path of sexual exploration.
I'm looking forward to the next installment.
To attempt to clarify, I saw Andre has unyielding in terms of his sexual advances. He was given many opportunities to slow don't, not take the next step, however at each moment he slowed but continued. He continued to lead Jason down the path of sexual exploration.
I'm looking forward to the next installment.
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