Hello guys and gals!

As some of you know Ive been working on a rewrite of one of my older projects. 1-5 have been completed and should be going up at a rate of one chapter every seven days, give or take a few days.

Anyhow Im rather nervous about this one so Id love to hear what everyone thinks of it, some of you may have already read the rough copy in sneak peaks but the polished and final is avaible below.

Living in Surreality

Let me have it guys, All comments welcome good and bad!

Steve

Hey Steve!
I love this story; You have a very rich descriptive style that I really enjoy.

If anyone is inclined to listen to me, go read this!

Ditto

Excellent, and a great title too. I'm hooked on Bourbon as well.

Camy

Have I garnerd another 'good goat seal of approval'? Oh wait, need conner to chime before I can claim that!

**waits paitently for conner...**

Thanks CJ! and a bigger thank you for including a link in your sig!

Camy! Thanks for reading and throwing your two cents in, Dont worry about Bourbon, I hear they are developing a 12 step program

as always... Thanks guys!

Steve

well, it may not be my first post, but its the second

you've outdone yourself on this one

and apparently, i've found my balls

Ok, I can settle for that,



OMG Ive finally written something that you like more then Bourbon?

I don't believe it, honestly... but



You misplaced them? Wow! I have never...

Steve

Ah, another juggler.

Kay so... I have waited long enough!

I didn't wanna be... a topic pusher or whatever

But anyhoodle! I know I've told you alot Steve, but... I REALLY love this story and I am so glad you're rewriting it and it's fantastic and loving and thought provoking and.. surreal

Wonderful job seriously! If you guys haven't read this yet... DO IT!

This has been a public service announcement from... VIV

Hi Viv!
I couldn't agree more. I both love and envy his descriptive and varied style.

gosh, Thanks!

for such unearned praise... I give ya Chapter two.

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...0&chapter=2

Didn't want to start a whole new thread for just that but.. I hope yall enjoy as much as the first chapter!

Steve

i LOVE you!!!
(for the quick update)

Thank you for another great chapter!!

One thing I especially like is the body language that you so vividly portray. That really adds to the story.

I love the dynamic between Matt and Valarie, too.

I am intrigued by the way you leave us with little bits of info that leave more questions, such as what happened in Sacramento with the school district? That makes me crave more chapters! (hint, hint!)

J'adore this story. It seems so real. As if it's really happening right down the street.

I Do love the story so far but can't wait for more to come :-)

Chris

Hey sshbandgeek, thanks for reading and taking a moment to post a note!



Yo Chris!

Thanks for reading, and leaving a review Seeing as ou cant wait for more to come I'll be a nice guy and post the next chapter tonight

Steve

Chapter three has been posted in efiction!

enjoy

Steve

I'm really enjoying this!

The characters are well drawn and believable, and Jacob's back story looks like it's gonna be well worth the wait.

What more can I say except roll on Chapter 4!

Camy

Another excellent chapter!!

I really like this one, especially the feel of camaraderie that you portray so well. VERY well done, and I am really looking forward to Ch 4!

i love it i love it i love it

cant wait for chapter 4

p.s. i want more of Joanne lol she's a character

Chapter 4 has been posted... I haven't yelled at anyone here for awhile ( busy trying to write chapter 7, alas chapter seven had other ideas...)

http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...9&chapter=4

Give me a few and I'll reply to ya'll

Steve

This is my first comment since the sneak peak. Enough time has gone by for this revision to completely replace the earlier version in my mind, so it's time for a fresh look.

To echo earlier comments (here and in the efiction reviews), I appreciate the character development and background information that motivates the plot. Everyone's actions are believable, "not coming from nowhere" as I think someone said. Matt's regrettable and perhaps tragic public put down of Jackie could so easily have been unbelievable, but you made me believe it.

Matt's father Richard is only sketched, but it's enough. Unfortunately, many of us know a person of this type and have seen the hurt and corrosion that spreads on everything he/she touches. The way I see it, Matt's father drove his mother Viola to drink (triggering alcoholic dependence latent in many of us). Val's mother Kitty drinks to keep her best friend company, spreading corrosion to the King family. They'll survive it, think.

I'm not quite sure what's going on inside Jacob. In Chapter 4 I can see partly how his mother Joanne has shaped his personality, when she sides with his desire to shut down a bully, despite the downsides for her: loss of a Saturday to work (and probably loss of brownie points as well), increasing chances that Jacob will be expelled again, and so on. She's raising an alpha male. I think he'll overcome, help from family and friends, the consequences of his actions in Chapter 4.

I'm less sanguine about Matt. His toxic atmosphere at home provides no support whatsoever. Will he turn to the Kings and the Keats soon enough for help? Matt isn't as strong as Jacob. Tragically, Jacob doesn't see the damage his flirting with Matt may have done. By the time Val and Jacob are fully aware of Matt's vulnerabilities, it may be too late for Matt.

The dialog, the description, the pace, the rhythm, all good, combine to make a gripping story. Occasionally, a missing comma forced me to reread. Otherwise, I didn't notice the writing much, and I mean that as a compliment. The story just flowed into me. This story has great momentum. There's so much anticipate in Chapter 5.

knotme

PS. Since you thanked someone for writing an efiction review, I copied much of this review into the efiction review of your Chapter 4. Was this the right thing to do? km

First a few questions etc...

Take this with a grain of salt!

With such excellent work like this, I thought you might want to fix the VERY few things I found confusing or missed.
-------------

Chapter 2 Half way down
Oh don’t be silly and go getting dressed for me,” Valerie laughed approaching
(Oh don’t trouble yourself getting dressed just for me?) -- The wording was slightly confusing... but I got it.

Chapter 3 2/3 way down
he might have well just handed her a new bottle when the first ran dry
(he might just as well have handed her a new bottle when the first ran dry) --- Did you mean this?

Chapter 3 2/3 way down (just a few sentences below the one above this)
The cold look Richard cast (at?) her(,) had Viola wishing for another glass of wine(,) and (left?)the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. --- just another sentence I had to read over a couple of times.

Chapter 3 almost all the way to the bottom
To the left was bookcase that held little in the way of books
To the left was (a) bookcase that held little in the way of books --- simple typo.. I only wish I made so very few!

Chapter 4 – ¾ the way down

"The matter for which he was suspended isn't in his file. So you have no clue as to if it's an ongoing issue or not, yet, you still sit here and tell me that he's been suspended for the next (five) days."

"It would only take one phone call to get the facts Ms. Keats," Mr. Decker challenged as he stared Joanne down.

Being called out of work with the news her son was in a fight on school grounds was upsetting enough, but now, sitting in this room with this man who appeared to have eaten one too many glazed donuts in his time, Joanne was livid. She wondered if the other kid was being suspended for (six) days as well, or if he was even being suspended at all, as his threat met her ears. Her eyes narrowed as she leaned forward in her seat.

(did she think six and say five? I did note the correction by principal dumbass in a following piece of dialogue)

-------------

Now... The last time I read a quality writing like this (except for some excellent authors here), it was in print and I paid for it. Even if this story was in hardback and I had to put it on layaway, I'd do it just so I could have the next chapter to consume my evening.

This is SUPERB! You are MOST DEFINATELY on my list of fabulous writers.

The tension keeps building and building while the story flows effortlessly. I read it all, and am half tempted to read it again!

The way you can move between characters and narrate it as though we are seeing through each person's eyes marvels me. I've not tried this style of writing, and am certain I couldn't ever come close to the skill you possess. The chapters are rich and detailed in a fashion that is in no way cumbersome. It flows wonderfully and I couldn't get enough.

There aren't enough great things that I can say about this story and I recommend it to everyone!

I'm damn near speechless, and for me... that's a rare thing.

I'll be adding this last part to your piles of reviews on e-fiction. I can't wait to see the next chapter!

I just finished reading chapter 4 and this is flat-out an outstanding story! I love Jacob and Matt and Val. Bring on chapter 5!

Colin

Camy, I’m glad you’re enjoying the story, and the characters. I was worried about my characterization, but apparently its not a place to be worried about. Now if I could just get continuity down pat.



Thanks CJ!
I’m glad the camaraderie is coming through, I don’t know if the story would make much sense with out it.



Hey tracy!!!!!!!!

Don’t worry, there is definitely more Joanne coming in future chapters!

Steve

Knotme...

Thanks for reading and taking the time to post such a lengthy comment!

Wow, you hit on alot of things, First you may acctualy be right about Richard and Viola's 'strained' relationship, Kitty however, we'll she's only been a minor player so far, but I dont think the glimpse that has been shown of her is relative of the bigger picture.

I'm glad you picked up on the basis of Jacob's personality. Aside from Grandparents, and a boiterous aunt, who will come into the picture later, Joanne has been the sole guiding light in his life.

Matt, well Matt is an interesting case, shaped not only by the 'toxic' home enviroment, but more so by Valerie and her dad. And yes lets hope these new introductions into his life have more positive influance then negative...




WOW! thanks! I can only hope continuing chapters meet with so much approval, and yes! thank you dearly for the review in efiction! ( only 3 more to go till I get into the top ten most reviewed stories! Hey, a guys gotta have goals! )

Steve

[quote name='DarkShadow' post='50724' date='October 27 2006, 07:48 PM']First a few questions etc...

Take this with a grain of salt!

With such excellent work like this, I thought you might want to fix the VERY few things I found confusing or missed.
-------------

Chapter 2 Half way down
Oh don’t be silly and go getting dressed for me,” Valerie laughed approaching
(Oh don’t trouble yourself getting dressed just for me?) -- The wording was slightly confusing... but I got it.[/quote]

I was trying to have Valerie talk useing a fals southern accent there, hence the odd wording. Perhpas I should have maid mention of such... IE Valerie laughed, attempting her best southern belle impersonation...

[quote]Chapter 3 2/3 way down
he might have well just handed her a new bottle when the first ran dry
(he might just as well have handed her a new bottle when the first ran dry) --- Did you mean this?

Chapter 3 2/3 way down (just a few sentences below the one above this)
The cold look Richard cast (at?) her(,) had Viola wishing for another glass of wine(,) and (left?)the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. --- just another sentence I had to read over a couple of times.

Chapter 3 almost all the way to the bottom
To the left was bookcase that held little in the way of books
To the left was (a) bookcase that held little in the way of books --- simple typo.. I only wish I made so very few![/qoute]Alright I concede these points... mostly. Alot of it just seems to way I word things, I'll have to work on that but warning you may run into simmilar hiccups in the future. But I'll try my best to catch them in advance. Then there are indeed a few ommited words that you caught, and of course the number slip up between what Joanne was thinking and saying Thanks!

[quote]Now... The last time I read a quality writing like this (except for some excellent authors here), it was in print and I paid for it. Even if this story was in hardback and I had to put it on layaway, I'd do it just so I could have the next chapter to consume my evening.

This is SUPERB! You are MOST DEFINATELY on my list of fabulous writers.

The tension keeps building and building while the story flows effortlessly. I read it all, and am half tempted to read it again!

The way you can move between characters and narrate it as though we are seeing through each person's eyes marvels me. I've not tried this style of writing, and am certain I couldn't ever come close to the skill you possess. The chapters are rich and detailed in a fashion that is in no way cumbersome. It flows wonderfully and I couldn't get enough.

There aren't enough great things that I can say about this story and I recommend it to everyone!

I'm damn near speechless, and for me... that's a rare thing.

I'll be adding this last part to your piles of reviews on e-fiction. I can't wait to see the next chapter![/quote]

Like I said via pm when you first posted this, wow... Yup my response still hasn't gotten any better To think that you would put this story on lay-away if it were in hardcover is very very humbling. I only wish the rest of the story continues to live up to those expectations
So here it is chapter 5 for you Dark Shadow, Knotme, and Colinian
http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...9&chapter=5

Steve

[quote]I just finished reading chapter 4 and this is flat-out an outstanding story! I love Jacob and Matt and Val. Bring on chapter 5!

Colin[/quote]

(insert kidnapped blushing smilie here) Thanks Colin! Im really enjoying writing it! I'm kinda attatched to the trio myself as well!

Steve

awww steve. i know i've told you this a dozen times already, but i absolutely adore this story.



the way you described that evoked life-like images in my mind. imho, the timing, and the description of their first kiss was just perfect. cant wait for the next chapter!

p.s. i think its FBTE, not FTBE

Thanks tracy, I know you have told me a dozen times. That makes the 13th no less special though.

as for the sigi snafu... your just lucky there isnt a finger smilie in here anywhere....

A few comments on Chapter 5:

The intimate scenes in the first half of chapter are quite effective. Well done! Jason must notice that he's less overwhelmed than Matt, but raging hormones don't make for logical drawing of conclusions.

A nitpick: "Jacob knew he had to break the tension which seemed to be swirling around them, thicker than the cool water of the pool only a few paces away". The problem is that water is the standard for a thin liquid. Air is thinner ("vanished in thin air"), but I think you want to make a stronger statement than "thicker than air".

I can't figure out the bold phrase in "... ; futures were wasted, until a comfortable silence descended upon them." Help, anyone?

For me, the final scene is well motivated. Matt simply cannot handle the affection Jacob has given him. Fortunately, Matt knows that Jacob knows what Matt said. The ball's in Matt's court. What's he going to do?

Thanks knotme!



I'll have to put some thaught into that phrasing... Yeah I wanted a stronger statement then thicker then air was able to provide provide.



I can comment further even on the futures wasted phrase, I'd like to see what other peoples take on it is though.


so yup, Insert groveling pleas for constructive criticisim here! even some exchange of theorys theories... honestly I really shouldn't need an editor to post a comment :S
Steve

Hey everybody!

Just loaded Chapter 6 of Living in Surreality. Its a short chapter, my first yet hopefully the only Anyhow, I hope yall enjoy, and if you do, or dont. Let me know what you think!

Steve

Ouch! Poor Jacob, in more ways than one!

I loved the Nurse, and I definitly DON'T like Richard! Slime...

GREAT chapter! And an eeevil cliffhanger!!

I have come to the conclusion that we authors are all sadists and masochists at the same time. I feel compelled to keep reading this story knowing I am going to be punished with an inevitable cliffhanger, but yet I cannot stop myself. It is that same torture I inflict on others in my own writing and I LOVE IT!

I just finished chapter 5 and 6 and am so disappointed there isn't more to read I could scream lol. This is really great stuff, and I want MORE!

The visuals you create with your writing are incredibly vivid in my mind. I hope to have more to read soon!

Thank you!

A chance to practice my vocabulary: Valerie is am amazing person, to be worried about Matt's reaction while still nauseous from Richard's nauseating advance.

Viola is also nauseous. Viola gets more respect than I do at the checkout line. I remember once slamming items onto the belt. After 4 or 5 slams, the checker to told me off. Do some checkers smile their way through such an encounter?

At the end, I presume that Valerie is hurrying on over. Neither Jacob nor Matt seems to have poisoned their relationship further this chapter. If Viola does indeed drive Richard away, Matt may slowly improve. Things are looking up ever so slightly.

I wonder about "sallow eyes". Sallow typically refers to skin color, one that is yellow or pale brown on face that is not supposed to be yellow or pale brown. But eyes? What does the author mean by this?

A "scathing look" is by definition "witheringly scornful", and I believe it is directed at the person being looked at unless otherwise stated. The author does not intend this, I'm almost sure.

I have a question about what may be the most powerful sentence in this chapter:Does spited mean being an object of spite, or does it mean being burdened with spite for another? Only the second meaning works here. "Burden" is my loaded term, at odds with the expression of joy. "Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd / Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd." The tales of Salome and Medea affirm that joyous fury can be a form of madness. Viola seems sane, maybe saner than she been for a few years.

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!

Big thanks to everyone who has left Living in Surreality a review in Efiction Y'all have made the story pop onto the 10 most reviewed list! Goal one achieved so keep em coming...

now on to business....



No, definantly thank you for continuing to read! I have been kicking around the idea of posting at least part of chapter 7 in sneak peaks sometime thisweekend, mostly as a thanks to you guys for helping me get on one of the tens lists... So keep your eye out for it




Wow Knotme, I honestly love reading the comments you post on this story. They make me rethink what I have written, push me to do better. I appriciate that alot.

about the sallow eyes I assume you are refering to the following sentence.



I'll be the first to admit, I used sallow liberally in that sentence. Sallow from my understanding is a word usually aquainted with sickness. In a round about way I was trying to reinforce Joanne's 'sick with worry' in passing.

I see your point on the scathing look, I'll have to find a more sutible word for the 'girl are you damn crazy?' look

As far as the spited referance, where Viola is concerned there is a third possibility, which in conversly tied to the second of the two you pointed. Obeject of spite, Spite for another, or spite for oneself.

Here though I think its a good mixture of the three... Shame in herself for avoiding the situation for so long. Hurt that she could never be the only woman her husband ever wanted, then well Vengeful for all those same reasons.

Thanks for reading Knotme! and please do keep bringing up points you dont understand!

Steve

Ps since no discussion ever came of it, Futures wasted was a euphimisim or metaphore if you will, spilled seed is just so blasie anymore....

Went over my head, but in retrospect, it makes sense!

It went over my head too, but I got it once I thoguht about it for a while. That was really clever IMHO, and avoided a cliche too.

hehehe....

Not so successful if no one understood it

Oh well, no one is perfect...

Speaking of I cant wait to see the firestorm chapter seven ignights...

Steve

Well, I should think so! You, in my opinion, should have made the Aliens that killed Matt and Jacob a little more believable, and did you really have to blow up the Earth so darn early in the chapter?

HEY! blame DK he's the one who gave me the idea of using my dream as a story!

And here I thoguht you were going to yell at me for giving away spoilers...

Nah... I like spoilers..... Speaking of,

Chapter 7

Now just to sit back, relax and wait for the firestorm to begin....

Steve

O M G I just love this story but like a crack addict I need more :-)

Chris

OMG! you didnt!! OMG! Val and Jacob?! OMG steve!

well that was certainly a surprise.
anywhoo, great job as usual! keep em coming

Me too!! It is genuinely addictive.



I was bowled over by that, too! That was definitly a surprise, but, after thinking about it, I think there were hints all along.

When Jacob moved in and Joanne saw him watching Valerie and Matt, she asked him which one.
I think that implies that she knows that Jacob is Bi, not gay. however, I only made that connection after reading this chapter!

Steve, this is one heck of a roller-coaster you have us on!!
Thank you!!!

Great!! now a crack pusher... Glad your enjoying it chris!



did what? the only question, was it a good surprise or a bad surprise?



beh.... labels... Why do you have to catogorize and sub-catagorize everything to death. I guess it makes things easier to explain in the long run...

Anyhow, some firestorm! must be one of the slow burning smolders...

Howdy, crack pusher!

Well, the reason i use labels is plain and simple laziness. I do realize that for a great many "gay" people, there is a potential for some attraction to the opposite sex. I also know that for some people, they can be attracted to either sex. However, it is so much faster to label and categorize, that well, I just do even though it is so often inaccurate.

I think you will get your firestorm, though! It just takes a while to sink in. I'm certainly wondering just what Jacob was thinking, if he cares for Matt? Val is Matt's best friend, so it isn't likely that Matt wouldn't find out. Was Jacob trying to hurt Matt to get even!?!?!?

I hope I'm wrong here about Jacob, and I'd really like to hear other opinions on this?

BTW, You are Eeeevil!

My only regret is that I didn't read this chapter sooner! Here is what I posted as the review:

Woah!!! What a shit storm of unfortunate events! It's palpable and I love it! Just when I was getting ready to hate Valerie, you went and made her a good person again. I'm finding a hard time lining up my sights on just who is the victim here, and who is the assailant!

I have to say, these three people are NOT having a good day!!

Riveting! Can't wait for the next chapter!

neither. it was just plain evil i mean.. come on! who woulda thought?! i bet you're really enjoying our shocked reactions and you'd better not get used to the idea of these "surprises" cuz my heart cant take it anymore!



I dont think Jacob was intentionally trying to hurt Matt. That's my opinion anyway. You can see from the previous chapters that he cares a great deal for Matt. I'm just glad Val was able to put a stop to it, cuz i know that men will never be able to think properly once all the blood goes to the other head.

Obviously, that kiss was only meant to divert Val's attention, only it didnt end up the way it was supposed to. Jacob was hurt, and maybe he just needed or wanted to know what it was like to feel 'cared for' again, and from the way Val kissed him back, it 'satisfied' his hunger temporarily.

if that didnt make sense, blame steve! this chapter made me think too much, and it turned my brain into mush
im excitedly awaiting the next chapter, steve

Didn't you know? Steve owns stock in a heart-medication company, so these shocks are all part of his get-rich-quick scheme.



LoL!!! Good point!!!

I don't know though, Jacob would have been hurt very badly by what Matt said. Who knows what is going through his (upper) head?


Hmmmmm... Maybe Jacob is just using Val to get to his heart's true desire? I mean, what guy wouldn't fall for a cherry 1965 midnight blue Mustang convertible!



Hmmm. I like the "Blame Steve" part!!! Hmmm, I had a clogged fuel filter this morning that I had to fix on the road, and it was a mess. I blame Steve! YEah, I like the sound of that!!!