Hi everybody,

This is my new short story. It's a quite dark and depressing story, which has been inspired by a moment by angst. It had been a effective way of relieving myself. But I would beware everybody who are sensitive to acts of mutilation.

The Night of Salvation.

Please leave a word. A simple 'Nice story' or 'Didn't enjoy it' would be okay. But I would appreciate i if you could elaborate.

I would like to know about the plot and characters. Have I done justice to them? What are your opinions?

And I would like to know about my writing skills too. I'm not a big writer, just a small amateur. So please, tell me how can I improve? My good points and weak points? Tips?

Happy reading to everybody.

Take care,
Ieshwar

If you don't mind, I'll concentrate on the writing and not the subject matter

Just one quick word -- I found it moving. The willing sacrifice is always a powerful tale, but you have to be careful to avoid making the mechanics of the sacrifice overwhelm the reasons for that sacrifice.

Writing-wise:

You've started the story in third person omniscient -- an outside observer watching the tale. In this mode, you have to remember that the narrator is external to the characters. If you express thoughts or opinions, you should make it clear that they are those of the character and not the narrator. There were several points where you had narrative that was really the thoughts of the protagonist.

You created some great imagery -- I think that's one of the strengths of the story. The mood is set and maintained by the descriptions you've used.

You've got a reasonable plot, given the genre. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be fantasy or historical fiction -- it could be either. You've really only got three characters (four if you count the extra one at the end), so asking if you've "done them justice" is a bit hard. I can understand the mindset of the victim, and I think you've done that well. His lack of pain was hard to believe, but I could accept it. The Lord is someone I know exists in the real world, but it's not a mindset that I can relate to. To the best of my knowledge, he seemed realistic.

I hope I've answered your questions This is NOT the sort of story that I generally like to read, but if you read it for the imagery, it's quite beautiful. If you read it literally, then I'd have to turn off....

Ieshwar,
I'm not sure you should say 'Happy reading to everybody'. Like Graeme, this is not what I normally sit down and read.

Because you are not a native English speaker you had a few problems with tense and occasional phrasing, but that aside, the story was full of powerful imagery, and sucked me in.

'Night of Salvation' was depressing, and sad. But it moved me, and that is what good story telling is all about.

Camy

Hi all of you,

Thanks to Graeme and Camy for reading and posting in this forum. The comments were really helpful.

I agree that the story is very subjective. Each reader has his own reaction. For me, there are Blakes amongst us even today. Prostitutes and sex-workers who sell their body for money, some who sell their conscience to be more famous, and others such as poor children who sell their childhood to fill their stomach. Keeping in mind these persons' real story, Blake's story seems like a happy ending! At least his pain was only physical and he managed to achieve 'salvation' after helping his family. I know that I have exaggerated a bit and have been quite crude with the pain but I wanted to show the real pain. And believe me, no words can sufficiently show that. What do you think?

I understand Graeme who wasn't really enthusiastic about the plot. I can see it. It was quite disturbing. For reading it and taking time to post a comment, thanks a lot.

Graeme, Blake did feel pain but as I said, this pain gave him exhilaration. He's a masochist apparently. And by 'doing justice to the chracters', I meant being able to develop them sufficiently. Reading your comments, it seems that I managed.

It seems that I lost track a bit of my POVs. I never consciously thought abou the POV for the story. But now that I think of it, the idea was to start with the image of Blake walking in the rain and while descibing him, to just take the POV of Blake. Was it a good choice?

Like Camy said, I often have people telling me that my Engish often suffers because it's not my native language. How can I improve it, apart from having the text edited?

I would really like to get your opinion. So please review or post a comment!

Take care,
Ieshwar

Starting with an omniscient POV and then dropping into 3rd person limited is a common technique. Many mainstream authors do it. But if you drop into 3rd limited, make sure you stay in it, because going back to an omniscient POV can be jarring.

So, yes, it was a good choice. As much as anything, I was making sure that you were aware of the change, and trying to make sure it was what you intended.

I'd suggest finding a couple of beta readers, who could also point out 'language' problems.

What I find interesting is that in your posts, including the one the quote above comes from, you come across as a native English speaker with a better grasp of the language than quite a few real native speakers. It's only in your stories that you seem to occasionally slip. Perhaps it's because you aren't consciously thinking about structure, tense etc when you write in the threads, but are when you're writing a story.

Camy

Whoa! Thanks a lot. Both for the help and for comparing me with the real natives.

Take care,
Ieshwar

Actually read the story a while back and forgot to comment on the spot, then I had to reread it. As for the language issue, don't worry, you're doing fine, but yes, proofreaders do help. Even the very good native writers on this site have typos and problems in their texts.

I don't know what feedback you got from people reading it on Nifty, because I don't see much eroticism in the subject matter; other people will. It's quite a disturbing story, but as you remind it in your post above, there are still people in our world selling themselves, or their body or soul for a hundred and fifty gold coins. Or less, for they don't have the persuasion Blake has in your story. Otherwise, it's true that the atmosphere and general mood are superbly laid out.

Now, waiting for a nice story with princes in love defeating the forces of evil together, and making their realm a better place!

Haha! It's very difficult, you know. I always try for a happy ending but the characters end up killing themselves! Thanks a lot for your comments, Bondwriter!

The Night of Salvation is a very 'special' story for me. For all other stories, I had to feel because I had to write. But for this one, I had to write because I was feeling. For the first time, I didn't stop my darkest fantasies and wrote about them.

I have posted it in Nifty and received a few comments. I don't think it will be considered as erotic but some may find it fascinating, I believe.

Thanks to all those who read the story.

Ieshwar

This was definitely spooky and haunting. The genre isn't one I normally read, but it was very well done, though not the happiest of endings.

Spooky? C'mon CJ be a brave goat! It talks only about mutilation, sacrifice, blood and death. What's spooky about that?

Thanks for reading the story and posting a comment!

Ieshwar

OK so I have to agree with those that found this disturbing. I think it's human nature to not want to focus on the bad things going on around them. the if you don't see it, it's not happening mindset.

The visual imagery was incredibly well done. Even though I wouldn't normally read this genre, I found that I could see everything that was happening in my mind.

That being said I tried to put myself in the story and see what was going on. And even though I didn't particularly care about the subject matter, I wondered about the 'lord' and the boy. If he was recieving pleasure from the pain and the lord was recieving pleasure from giving the pain, why did you omit the arousal and sensuality they must have felt?

Well, the Lord must have been aroused but since I was writing from Blake's POV, I ddin't write about it. As for Blake, the pleasure he got wasn't sexual at all. He's masochist but not in a sexual manner. He's like the cutters who self-mutilate themselves (by cuting their hands...) to get pleasure. There's nothing sexual in that. But there's a bit of sensuality, I think. But that was rather directed towards the idea of death. I showed that via the small vision (about him lying on lilies) and of course, by portraying the Angel of Death as his long-waited lover. I think Blake is rather for death than pain.

I hope that I managed to answer your question.

I know we all try to ignore the 'uncomfortable' parts of life. But it's that what I wanted to show. Coz sometimes those uncomfortable situations become so overwhelming that it stifles us.

Thanks a lot for this nice comment, Yaalc

Ieshwar