[Hamen Cheese] Adamagika: The Spirit Within

[Hamen Cheese]

Hello folks!

 

If you follow this story but is the busy type that cannot spend much time reading forum threads, please reply with the quoted text below.

 

Hi! I'm one of your readers. Keep up the good work!

If you want to participate in this thread, here are some of the things you might want to discuss:

 

1. Story Progress and Development (e.g. "It's too fast." // "There's too much detail." // "It's confusing.")

2. Character Comments (e.g. "I don't like Aenhol. I think he knows too much." // "I think Jorik is the villain of the story.")

3. Plot Clarifications (e.g. "What did you mean by the apple cider tasted like crap? Is that literal or figurative? // What exactly happened in Ch. 4 when Adam did insert action here?")

4. Requests or Recommendations (e.g. "Well, you should stop using the word 'well' to start each sentence." // "I wish Marcus is gay too!")

5. Other Comments (e.g. "This story reminds me of insert name of story that plagiarized Adamagika here." // "I like how you did the scene involving the Seer.")

 

You are of course not limited to what's been written above. Mostly, I'd like to get to know the readers. Personally, I get more motivated to write when I know I'm writing for someone. If I can put a name or a face to the person, it helps in those long, lonely nights in front of a computer typing away...

 

Please be advised that some discussions here may lead to spoilers. If ever I feel any of my responses might give away plot points for the future, I will

 

put them in these.

 

 

This post coincides with the release of Ch 16: The Seer's Prophecy.

 

Just a bit of trivia, this was originally the starting point of the second half of this story but that is no longer the case. It looks like the story will end somewhere around Ch 40.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Just started reading - thanks to this thread - so only up to chapter three. Very good job. I love the use of humor spiced throughout - it adds to the story. Hope to finish soon but will comment along the way if I have anything worth saying.

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

Just started reading - thanks to this thread - so only up to chapter three. Very good job. I love the use of humor spiced throughout - it adds to the story. Hope to finish soon but will comment along the way if I have anything worth saying.

 

Andy

 

Hey Andy. Thanks. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story and your comments are appreciated of course.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

OK question, and if this is too soon just tell me keep reading and I won't do the follow up:

 

I love the magic/science duality - I have notes from 25 years on a similar concept that not quite the same. But do you explain WHY this happens? And do you flesh out what can and can't negate one or the other?

 

I have some comments on the topic - twenty odd years old/in the making but rather than make them now when you address them later, I will hold off for the moment.

 

If you want them now, before I have progressed passed chapter three, say so, if not, just say read on

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

I love the magic/science duality - I have notes from 25 years on a similar concept that not quite the same. But do you explain WHY this happens? And do you flesh out what can and can't negate one or the other?

 

I won't be explaining why science negates magic and vice versa in this story.

 

 

The relevance of the magic/technology negation will be seen in the later chapters. However, it focuses more on what happens in Chapter 4 rather than in the history of magic and science.

 

The history of the Great Discovery (where magic came into the world) will be discussed more in the sequel I have in mind as it better fits into the story of the sequel. If there was enough interest for me to continue, I mean.

 

 

I'm curious though what your notes or comments are on the topic.

[Guest Witwicky]

I won't claim the throne of being your biggest fan, but i'm a BIG BIG BIG BIG FAAAAAAANNNN!!!

The Spirit Within rocks!

 

Loves you and your works very much,

Mark.

Edited August 10, 2010 by Witwicky

[Hamen Cheese]

I won't claim the throne of being your biggest fan, but i'm a BIG BIG BIG BIG FAAAAAAANNNN!!!

The Spirit Within rocks!

 

Loves you and your works very much,

Mark.

 

Oh wow thanks! I really like that I got your first post in the forums haha. I always appreciate your reviews and thanks for stopping by here in the forums. Hope you pick up something you like here also.

[Hamen Cheese]

I have some comments on the topic - twenty odd years old/in the making but rather than make them now when you address them later, I will hold off for the moment.

 

If you want them now, before I have progressed passed chapter three, say so, if not, just say read on

 

Andy

 

Hey Andy,

 

I just received your email. Yep, some of the things you discussed were or will be addressed within the story. I figured this would be a good place to discuss it or if not, we can use personal messages within the site. I have a bad habit of not checking my email. I only did so because you sent me a message saying you sent an email hehe.

 

If you don't want to read yet how the story eventually addresses the issues, don't click on the spoiler below. You will see them in the released chapters anyway. If some pertinent information is found elsewhere, I'll just say that it will be released in a further chapter.

 

 

Regarding the "medieval" setting of the story, it is explained in the released chapters that there was a point in known human history when a rift was opened to another world. An explosion rapidly defaced a part of the world that became known as The Dead Scar. It was in this event that magic was born. It will be revealed in Chapter 16, that all magic stems from spirits that poured into our world when the rift was opened (i.e. there is a spirit within each being capable of using or exerting magic). However, as spirits poured from the other world, they possessed various things (not necessarily living things). Some were corrupted such as the humans who lost their free will to the spirit (introduced as the undead) and animals that were turned into magical creatures which sometimes became demons. Humans who were possessed by spirits but retained their free wills became mages. Humans who were not possessed (or were possessed but displayed no magical ability) became the faction that were non-mages (to them, they were the only ones really human - everyone else was evil).

 

Soon after the rift was open, it became clear that demons were not friendly to the local inhabitants. A war waged between demons and humans (mages and non-mages alike) and almost the entirety of the human population was wiped out. However, in a last attempt to win against the demons, nine powerful mages (and spirits) managed to band together and destroy the Demon Lord that had controlled the demons laying siege on the human settlements. For whatever reason, the demons had dispersed after the Demon Lord was destroyed.

 

(According to the revealed plot) Studies into magic show that magic repels natural forces in the world. Anything that generates natural energy (especially electricity) seems to create an aura that counteracts the effects of magic. That is why if you put a mage in the middle of a fully powered city, he would be unable to use magic unless the spirit that gives him magic happens to be an exceptionally powerful one. I suppose you can say that natural energy suppresses but not destroys the effects of a spirit.

 

Magic (or spirits that create magic) similarly seems to create an energy field which in enough quantities can dissipate the existence or approach of natural energy. That is why it is always sunny in Arantiva (the mage city). Thunder clouds never seem to visit it.

 

The stronger of the two forces will exist in the same space occupied by the two.

 

This is as far as the current released chapters will explain anyway. The primary setting of this first story is the "mage world" dominated by mages. However, at least three other "worlds" exist in Adamagika (two of which will be opened up in the sequel if I get around to writing it).

 

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Hey Andy,

 

I just received your email. Yep, some of the things you discussed were or will be addressed within the story. I figured this would be a good place to discuss it or if not, we can use personal messages within the site. I have a bad habit of not checking my email. I only did so because you sent me a message saying you sent an email hehe.

 

If you don't want to read yet how the story eventually addresses the issues, don't click on the spoiler below. You will see them in the released chapters anyway. If some pertinent information is found elsewhere, I'll just say that it will be released in a further chapter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HC [not sure how else to address you ]

 

Ok so I read the spoiler - it won't ruin anything for me. but i cut it out of the reply just in case others don't want to read it. [That and I haven't figure out how to use the spoiler feature yet.]

 

Let me say that it impressive - seriously - very impressive. It is clear you have a very good handle on how to deal with tricky science/magic dynamic. I have questions BUT I will wait until I get to those parts of the story where you raise the explanation and see if they are answered.

 

I need to spend more time reading but then I will have to wait too long for the next chapter so I better pace myself.

 

Hopefully this won't turn into a two person thread, you are writing an incredibly creative story, I want to hear how others feel. Thanks for sharing.

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

HC [not sure how else to address you ]

 

Ok so I read the spoiler - it won't ruin anything for me. but i cut it out of the reply just in case others don't want to read it. [That and I haven't figure out how to use the spoiler feature yet.]

 

Let me say that it impressive - seriously - very impressive. It is clear you have a very good handle on how to deal with tricky science/magic dynamic. I have questions BUT I will wait until I get to those parts of the story where you raise the explanation and see if they are answered.

 

I need to spend more time reading but then I will have to wait too long for the next chapter so I better pace myself.

 

Hopefully this won't turn into a two person thread, you are writing an incredibly creative story, I want to hear how others feel. Thanks for sharing.

 

Andy

 

Hey Andy,

 

You can call me Hamen, HC, Cheesy, or Hammich (with the exception of their first, other people came up tith the rest). Or if you're feeling creative, you can come up with something new.

 

As for the spoiler. Just use [ spoiler ] and [ /spoiler ] without the spaces.

 

Thanks by the way haha. And yes, you should pace yourself reading it. I only release once a week (every Mondays) so it will take time before the whole story is posted. I hope the others who are following have the patience to wait though.

 

I think it is the fate of most of these threads to become two to three way conversations. Usually, people are more interested knowing when the next chapter is coming out than discussing what happened. Hehe.

 

But if it gets more readers, then I don't mind keeping it alive.

 

- Hamen

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Up to chapter 8 and really you are talented. I am really blown away by the detail you created in your 'world,' as well as how you don't get us -the reader - bogged down in too much detail. This is great stuff - IMHO.

 

My only bitch/complaint/observation is - on a two day ride back to the Mage city you couldn't find Jacob a shirt? I mean what is he doing, channeling his inner Tarzan [or was it Boy]

 

Looking forward to being caught by the time you get to chapter 19. Thanks for sharing, then when you are a published best selling sci/fi fantasy writer I can say I knew you when.

 

[Hamen Cheese]

My only bitch/complaint/observation is - on a two day ride back to the Mage city you couldn't find Jacob a shirt? I mean what is he doing, channeling his inner Tarzan [or was it Boy]

 

Good point haha. Maybe I just thought it would be sexier.

 

And thanks for the complement hehe. I don't like reading "wordy" stories which was probably why I'm having difficulty getting past the first few chapters of this other fantasy story someone recommended me. There's too much detail and not enough happening haha.

 

Although I must say, I'm having some difficulty now with the last few chapters (35 up). Everything's happening so fast I'm starting to worry that I'm not giving enough details. At the same time, I don't want to prolong the inevitable ending of the first part (as my originally planned 30 chapters is now up to 40 - which i think is more than enough).

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Hamen,

 

Finally caught up - wonderful thing vacations, you can do whatever you want -

 

Few things: Most good, some a bit of constructive feed back.

 

The good: Your character development is great. I feel like I know Adam, Jacob and Anehold. You do a great job of showing us their emotions, especially through Adam, who is after the POV of the story.

 

Your 'world' is really fascinating - your explanation of magic was clear and imaginative. It also left enough 'unanswered' questions to leave room for us to wonder what is next. Nice work

 

The plot is great - even if we don't understand it. Leaking bits and pieces in a way that is fluid is hard and you manage to do it brilliantly -

 

The slow introduction of characters, each with a bit of character development that you add to along the way is engaging, it is enough for me to 'see' them and 'know' them, but leaves me eager to learn more.

 

Okay, the constructive feed back - also know to some as constructive criticism but I prefer the former as I am offering it as observations

 

Starting from the point of - those who can't teach - you need to tighten up your punctuation. As I have been repeatedly told there is almost always a comma before the word 'but' Unless you are using it as " there was no one there but him." I don't know the proper words for it, but when you tie two thoughts together like that, you need to use a comma - look it up cause I am not explaining it will

 

You use a few colloquialism that seem out of place in your 'world' I am not sure 'cool' or other such slang we use should be used there. Make up your own because it is not modern day Ohio that the story takes place.

 

Somehow the dormitory looks like a modern day dorm. Showers with curtains? How? Does magic run their plumbing? Or does magic just supply the water? If you are going to introduce modern conveniences, give us an explanation of how it works, because it shouldn't be like the dorm showers at Big State U.

 

Last, look to reduce some of the wordiness. I can go back and give examples but here is an example of what I mean 'he took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor.' Unless he is on something else, we can infer it fell on the floor. better to say. 'he took off his shirt and dropped it" I know that wasn't in your story but there were a few examples of that and if you like I can go back and point them out but I think you get the idea. For the most part you do not do this. But there are times [again, I am guilty of it too] where you walk us through the entire action when we can infer it from the rest of the information you supply - just keep that in mind as you edit.

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

Hamen,

 

Finally caught up - wonderful thing vacations, you can do whatever you want -

 

Few things: Most good, some a bit of constructive feed back.

 

The good: Your character development is great. I feel like I know Adam, Jacob and Anehold. You do a great job of showing us their emotions, especially through Adam, who is after the POV of the story.

 

Your 'world' is really fascinating - your explanation of magic was clear and imaginative. It also left enough 'unanswered' questions to leave room for us to wonder what is next. Nice work

 

The plot is great - even if we don't understand it. Leaking bits and pieces in a way that is fluid is hard and you manage to do it brilliantly -

 

The slow introduction of characters, each with a bit of character development that you add to along the way is engaging, it is enough for me to 'see' them and 'know' them, but leaves me eager to learn more.

Thanks but you might be giving me too much praise! I can feel my head bloating already. I'm glad to hear that anyway although it now makes me more nervous as to how people will react to the rest of the story Haha. I suppose that still helps though because now I'm even more critical about the coming chapters.

 

Okay, the constructive feed back - also know to some as constructive criticism but I prefer the former as I am offering it as observations

 

Starting from the point of - those who can't teach - you need to tighten up your punctuation. As I have been repeatedly told there is almost always a comma before the word 'but' Unless you are using it as " there was no one there but him." I don't know the proper words for it, but when you tie two thoughts together like that, you need to use a comma - look it up cause I am not explaining it will

I wasn't entirely sure on that. I do know I have some additional errors with punctuation. For instance, I didn't know until I was at chapter sixteen I think that there has to be a comma before the quotation mark of a spoken text (unless it was the end of the sentence). Something like: "Adam went to the grocery," Jacob said. You'll notice that the vast majority of the first part does not have that comma before the quotation mark. The only reason I found out actually was because a beta reader for my Fall Anthology Entry pointed it out. Otherwise, I could have finished the whole story not knowing that. I intend to edit the earlier chapters at some point but I simply don't have the time right now. Hehe.

 

You use a few colloquialism that seem out of place in your 'world' I am not sure 'cool' or other such slang we use should be used there. Make up your own because it is not modern day Ohio that the story takes place.

Actually, the original setting I had in mind for the story was "what if this happened to our world a hundred years from now." The setting isn't actually in the past but is in fact in the future. It just seemed like it was in the past because Adam's world let go of the technologies of the new world. Some words of the present passed on to the succeeding generation. You will actually see one particular word much later (that everyone now knows) but only Jacob will understand because for whatever reason the wordis used among the non-mages but not the mages. When I wrote it though, there was no explanation why that was the case. I think when you do finally read it, you might think the same way.

 

However, at some point in my writing, I decided to create a completely different world. So instead of say putting it in a "future America," I decided to just create a world from scratch.

 

Somehow the dormitory looks like a modern day dorm. Showers with curtains? How? Does magic run their plumbing? Or does magic just supply the water? If you are going to introduce modern conveniences, give us an explanation of how it works, because it shouldn't be like the dorm showers at Big State U.

That did occur to me as I wrote that shower scene. I was contemplating on explaining how magic worked to replace the function of electricity in say lighting the rooms and providing water in the shower rooms. However, I decided against it. I left it as "one of those things" that just happens since it was not vital to the plot although I suppose it could have made the world richer. It's sort of like what I did with his dresser. It just works.

 

Last, look to reduce some of the wordiness. I can go back and give examples but here is an example of what I mean 'he took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor.' Unless he is on something else, we can infer it fell on the floor. better to say. 'he took off his shirt and dropped it" I know that wasn't in your story but there were a few examples of that and if you like I can go back and point them out but I think you get the idea. For the most part you do not do this. But there are times [again, I am guilty of it too] where you walk us through the entire action when we can infer it from the rest of the information you supply - just keep that in mind as you edit.

 

Yes, I've caught myself doing that several times as went through proofreading sessions. However, if I missed some, I apologize. Wordiness was always something i worried about. I prefer my chapters to be shorter rather than longer. However, I am coming across later chapter that are easily two to three times the length of previous ones so I always worry that there is too much being said about nothing.

 

I'll try to watch out for it.

 

Thanks for the constructive feedback! It really helps.

 

P.S. I did not get to proofread my responses. Someone is pressuring me to get off the computer so if there are errors, forgive me!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Two quick follow ups:

 

I was not clear this was 'our' future you were writing about - hence the comment on watch the colloquialisms. If it is, then ignore the comment, if it is not, I would try to weed them out.

 

The shower was just an example, and I realized it after I hit send that my comment didn't come across as general but very specific. The dresser is a good example of what I was suggesting you do - we don't know HOW it works but we know magic is involved. We don't need to know HOW the shower works but dropping a line like - 'Adam always wondered what if the magic that controlled the temperature or the water pressure' it just takes a sentence or two. - Actually as I write this it is rather nit picky but I think it adds dimension to your world

 

The whole comma thing before quotes is another one of issues too. Somewhere in my house is a book on self editing, if I find it, I will look it up and send you what it says. If you need a proof reader/ editor let me know, now that I am caught up on the chapters it won't spoil it for me.

 

Andy

 

PS I draw the line at editing on Posts, I know there are many errors in mine so no need to apologize for that.

[Hamen Cheese]

If you notice any more errors, just post it here or send me a message so I can adjust future chapters to fit it. I've corrected the comma thing for the coming chapters but as for the previous ones, I'll have to get back to them once I have the time. I've currently finished writing the epilogue earlier today (though I still need to write this one chapter that I skipped). I appreciate the offer on proofreading/beta reading for it but I think you'll enjoy it more if you are surprised along with everyone else every Monday. Besides, sometimes I get these last minute moments of inspiration just before I upload a chapter. Hehe.

 

I'm actually tempted to post all the chapter titles here from beginning to end. I don't know if it's just me but I have this habit of reading all the chapter titles in a book's table of contents before starting to read it. I guess I'm just a bit unusual that way haha.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I'm actually tempted to post all the chapter titles here from beginning to end. I don't know if it's just me but I have this habit of reading all the chapter titles in a book's table of contents before starting to read it. I guess I'm just a bit unusual that way haha.

 

I might glance at them because they are there, but for me, it won't mean much - sometimes chapter titles refer to some small point in a Chapter that I couldn't guess from the title. Besides, it's you being a tease - now maybe that is what you want - I dunno know .

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Chapter twenty was really well done - you set up a lot of things - at least I think you are setting them up - really well. I like how you worked in Jacob and Adam's relationship in as you gave us the setting for the next phase.

 

As I said in the short review, I really like how you are handling their relationship. It was really sweet and totally in keeping with each of the boy's personalities. They are both innocent and a bit damaged - damaged in the sense of being alone. They are healing each other but not making a stampede to 'go all the way.' Given their pasts this is totally in keeping with how two such kids would react.

 

My only gripe is I gotta wait a week for 31. At this rate, I might be a dad before you finish and the surrogate isn't pregnant yet

 

Great job - its a shame more folks don't like Sci/Fi Fantasy stories. This is really excellent - better than most and I won't name names but it really is great.

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

Chapter twenty was really well done - you set up a lot of things - at least I think you are setting them up - really well. I like how you worked in Jacob and Adam's relationship in as you gave us the setting for the next phase.

 

As I said in the short review, I really like how you are handling their relationship. It was really sweet and totally in keeping with each of the boy's personalities. They are both innocent and a bit damaged - damaged in the sense of being alone. They are healing each other but not making a stampede to 'go all the way.' Given their pasts this is totally in keeping with how two such kids would react.

 

My only gripe is I gotta wait a week for 31. At this rate, I might be a dad before you finish and the surrogate isn't pregnant yet

 

Great job - its a shame more folks don't like Sci/Fi Fantasy stories. This is really excellent - better than most and I won't name names but it really is great.

 

Andy

 

Haha. Well, I'd like to think I'm setting things up hehe. Chapter 20 is actually the end of the first half of Adamagika. With the second half, I'll be introducing some changes in Adam's personality. I suppose you could say he's starting to grow up.

 

I like to keep all my "firsts" relevant hehe - first kiss, first declaration of love, first time to have sex, etc, etc. I know most would say something along the lines of "sex being a declaration of love in its purest form." But if that's all it's going to be in the story, then I might as well remove it. There are other (and probably better) ways to show that two people love each other than making them "go all the way". I'm not saying though that there won't be sex in the story.

 

Thanks as always for the review and the post.

[AnytaSunday]

Hey Hamen,

 

I started reading your story about a week ago after reading Andy's praise on it. Just wanted to say I'm up to chapter 12 at the moment and I like what I've read so far. I'm also curious at what Phillip's role in your story will be. I liked the scene in the Ice Queen Taven.

 

[Hamen Cheese]

Hey Hamen,

 

I started reading your story about a week ago after reading Andy's praise on it. Just wanted to say I'm up to chapter 12 at the moment and I like what I've read so far. I'm also curious at what Phillip's role in your story will be. I liked the scene in the Ice Queen Taven.

 

 

Hey Anyta,

 

I'm glad to hear that hehe. Yeah, I like to think of Phillip as the cutest character in the story hehe. I hope you enjoy the rest of it.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I am confused by a lot but in a good way - you lay out a ton of things here - Adam and Jacob's symbiotic relationship visa via their shared power, the gossip around Adam, the Aerophalanx, combat magic and more. There is so much to learn still that I don't really know what is next here. I find your vision of magic and how it is employed through various objects and skill fascinating.

 

Poor Brian, he best not fall for Adam, Jacob won't be pleased

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

I am confused by a lot but in a good way - you lay out a ton of things here - Adam and Jacob's symbiotic relationship visa via their shared power, the gossip around Adam, the Aerophalanx, combat magic and more. There is so much to learn still that I don't really know what is next here. I find your vision of magic and how it is employed through various objects and skill fascinating.

Thank you hehe. I didn't actually realize how much was in the chapter until I had to proofread it a few times. I don't know HOW it got packed with that much detail haha. It's essential though to make the world of Adamagika real (or as real as it could be anyway hehe).

 

Poor Brian, he best not fall for Adam, Jacob won't be pleased

 

I can just imagine.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

That was an interesting chapter - I am intriqued by the Brian/Adam dynamic - and more so when you said he might die because he was in Adam's vision with the Seer - now I have to go back and re-read that chapter because I don't get the reference - and don't tell me, I will ask if i can't figure it out.

 

Jacob is really interesting - he is fiercely protective and although they 'share' the same power - he clearly is the better of the pair at using it. To me it seems that only his love of Adam, and thus only Adam - is keeping him from being a one man disaster. His raw power and anger is dangerous and I think people are starting to notice. If something happens to Adam, he might just go bonkers.

 

Two questions that I will hide ina spoiler - just to be safe:

 

 

 

1) Griffin? Is that what brian is showing them?

 

2) The 'share spirit' is the spirit that tried to take over the world that was defeated when the mages sacrificed themselves to kill it? Or is it perhaps one of those spirits that has been reborn just in time to take on the new menace?

 

 

 

[Hamen Cheese]

Two questions that I will hide ina spoiler - just to be safe:

 

 

 

1) Griffin? Is that what brian is showing them?

 

Actually, yes. That is what Brian will be showing them in the next chapter (although they are called gryphons in the story).

 

2) The 'share spirit' is the spirit that tried to take over the world that was defeated when the mages sacrificed themselves to kill it? Or is it perhaps one of those spirits that has been reborn just in time to take on the new menace?

 

No, it is not the spirit that tried to take over the world and was defeated by Arantius. And no, it is not one of those spirits that have been reborn in time to take on the new menace.

 

 

 

I like the questions though. Hehe. It makes me realize where I'm being obvious and where I'm being sneaky.