[Jian Sierra] Subtle Beauty

[jian_sierra]

Hey guys, I just posted another story. I always try to write something new and I hope that it shows in this new story. My previous story was more or less a drama but I am trying to make this one a bit humorous so I hope it is apparent in the story (if not then I just have to try harder hehe). I wrote until Chapter 2 of this story but I haven't done anything after that as I am currently swamped with work and other stuff (I'm currently polishing my writing by reading self-help books).

 

If the story comes across as plain boring, please let me know. The story doesn't have a complicated plot and sub-plots. Indeed it is more a journey than anything else, Coop's journey that is. Would appreciate feedbacks, good or bad, I won't bite. I am open for improvement as I want to get to the point where my writing can be said as 'good enough'.

 

Thank you so much for reading.

 

Jian

[AnytaSunday]

Plain and boring? Huh! hardly.

 

This is going to be another stunner. I feel it.

 

Can't wait.

[jian_sierra]

Plain and boring? Huh! hardly.

 

This is going to be another stunner. I feel it.

 

Can't wait.

 

I will try not to disappoint you Anyta but I can't promise anything hehe. Appreciate all your help and support

[Nephylim]

Something that is not full of twists and drama does not have to be boring. Sometimes what happens on the inside is just as gripping as what happens on the outside. I am working on a story at the moment which is a complete departure from the usual high voltage stuff and I am really enjoying it. Of course I can't resist putting in a tiny bit of excitement but still... Have fun writing this one, enjoy yourself, your writing and your characters and it's that which comes through and grips the reader. You are an excellent writer and I think you should ditch the self help books before they ruin your natural style and spend the time you would have spent reading, writing.

[jian_sierra]

Something that is not full of twists and drama does not have to be boring. Sometimes what happens on the inside is just as gripping as what happens on the outside. I am working on a story at the moment which is a complete departure from the usual high voltage stuff and I am really enjoying it. Of course I can't resist putting in a tiny bit of excitement but still... Have fun writing this one, enjoy yourself, your writing and your characters and it's that which comes through and grips the reader. You are an excellent writer and I think you should ditch the self help books before they ruin your natural style and spend the time you would have spent reading, writing.

 

 

Wow Nephy thanks! That compliment means a lot because it came from you

 

I couldn't help myself either, I just put a little bit of drama in this story while writing it yesterday hehe. And I am enjoying writing this one a lot. I especially enjoy Coop (probably because I'm just putting who I am in paper).

 

As with all the story I write, I have a general idea of how a story will unfold but I don't really know what to write until I sit down in front of the computer and start typing. It's fun that way for me. It works so far and I'm not gonna change it for anything, no matter what the self-help books say. I promise not to let the books influence my writing that much. But I am finding a lot of useful things through those books, things that I didn't know of before. Mainly, I'm using the books to polish my writing because I would like to be better, to improve.

 

Thanks again Nephy, you've been very supportive indeed.

[jian_sierra]

Hey guys, I just posted Chapter 2. I hope Coop is slightly humorous because he is supposed to be. If not, then I would appreciate you pointing it out to me because it's my job to fix these things hehe.

 

Thank you so much for reading. Although I'm finished with it, Chapter 3 may be posted next week, depending on whether I get to write Chapter 4 this week. What to expect in Chapter 3? Why a shirtless Mich of course!

[jian_sierra]

I am beginning to feel stupid talking to myself here lol. But just in case anyone has anything to say about this story, I'll be more than happy to discuss here with you.

 

I haven't written Chapter 4 yet. Hopefully, I get to do that tomorrow. To be honest, I don't know what will happen. It's both exciting and frightening at the same time. What if I can't think of any ending? Well I'm screwed then lol.

 

Anyway, enough ranting. Thanks you for all your support

[AnytaSunday]

Woohoo! Chapter three is up. Awesome. You used your time today wisely it seems. hehehe.

 

I'm still curious about him renting a room. It makes me sooooo curious about why and what his background is. Looking forward to finding out (none too patiently though, lol)

[jian_sierra]

Woohoo! Chapter three is up. Awesome. You used your time today wisely it seems. hehehe.

 

I'm still curious about him renting a room. It makes me sooooo curious about why and what his background is. Looking forward to finding out (none too patiently though, lol)

 

Oh sorry to keep you waiting for that. I can't promise anything but I'll probably be touching on that if not on the next chapter, probably the one after that. There are more pressing issues to discuss first hehe. The issues you raised though are integral to the story so very perceptive

[AnytaSunday]

Hehehe *brightens a lovely shade of red.

 

2.) There are a few minor punctuation errors (comma splices, words that should be hyphenated, run on sentences, etc.)

Yeah, that's my job. This just proves I have a lot to learn. Sorry Jian. I'm going back to the rules on commas again and hopefully will get them right eventually. Please don't give up on me as editor!

 

sorry, again. I didn't know what Jmac meant by formatting though.

 

*wishes commas had a more physical form so I can squash them between my forefinger and thumb. Rrrrr.

 

hehe,

 

Anyta

[jian_sierra]

Hehehe *brightens a lovely shade of red.

 

 

 

Yeah, that's my job. This just proves I have a lot to learn. Sorry Jian. I'm going back to the rules on commas again and hopefully will get them right eventually. Please don't give up on me as editor!

 

sorry, again. I didn't know what Jmac meant by formatting though.

 

*wishes commas had a more physical form so I can squash them between my forefinger and thumb. Rrrrr.

 

hehe,

 

Anyta

 

Oh don't worry about it. Not really your fault. If only punctuation marks can magically appear where they should, we're all better off hehe.

 

I'll try to ask JMac about the formatting hehe. It's not very clear to me too.

 

And I won't ever give up on you as editor. You're more than an editor after all, your comments make me see where I should work on. You're doing me a favor so thank you.

[LJH]

:king:I peeled my gaze off his shirtless chest and quickly focused on the wall behind him. Einstein

[jian_sierra]

:king:I peeled my gaze off his shirtless chest and quickly focused on the wall behind him. Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Pythagorean Theorem. Charles Babbage. The Renaissance Period. Edgar Allan Poe. To be or not to be. Abraham Lincoln. The face that launched a thousand ships.

 

An absolute beauty of an opening line. I loved the images it brought to mind.

 

I am listening to Cavatina by manuel Barrueco during this scene in Mich's bedroom. A poignant scene, lighthearted but sad in a way because this is the place where he gets to know a few things about Mich - like he doesn't like being called a Jock - (I wouldn't mind at all).

 

In this scene I could feel the nerves in both characters. Hopefully, when they get used to each other, those tense moments will melt away to reveal their intimate sides.

 

I'm wondering if gramps knows - after all, he was a young lad too at one stage of his life. He seems to have taken a liking to Cooper. More so than any of Mich's other friends.

 

:king: We both grabbed for the sponge almost at the same time and I snatched it from him. Just barely. It slipped from my grasp and the sponge dropped, but I was quick enough to grab it with my other hand before it hit the floor...I avoided my thoughts, but he was doing the opposite.:king: BRILLIANT SCENE.

 

Mich is leading me to the point where I must believe that wants to protect Cooper from any harm.

 

Without looking at him, I stepped off the car. I stood on the pavement motionless for a moment and I only finally moved to look at his car as it drove away. SAD, Coop longs for him - wondering if this could be the start of something good, great or fabulous? PS - watch out for that word "off".

 

Yep, I can understand Coop's sadness stemming from his confusion. Does Mich like him? Is it important because Mich is straight and trust me (Coop) to fall for a straight lad..

 

Your last line says it all. Just a whisper. But that's all it took for me to fully understand Coop's feelings for his new friend. "Michael," I whispered. Is such a profound statement. Filled with angst and longing and ... and...well, you get my drift.

 

The writing is strong. I love the dialogue, but narrative is important too. Dialogue moves the story on and in this story it is a natural flow. Not forced. I found no flaws with the pacing where something may have stopped me from reading further. The development of the story is strong, and I wish I had the patience to develop the story line over three chapters, my developments take longer.

 

I'm loving this and can't wait for the next session.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm glad you like those parts. They are just minor parts with a lot of significance, in my opinion. Like in Hollywood movies (not that I'm so full of myself and think that my story can be compared to a Hollywood movie, just for comparative purposes), when the male lead looks suggestively at the female lead sort of stuff. Most of the time, I don't realize the full significance of a scene until I'm already re-reading the whole thing.

 

Anyway, you mentioned that narrative is important and I agree. Did you happen to see anything wrong with my narrative (or lack therefore hehe)? If so, I would appreciate if you can point it out to me.

 

Thank you so much for reading and providing feedback. They are very much appreciated.

 

John

[jian_sierra]

Heya guys,

 

So I finished writing Chapter 4. Hm, I personally like it (but don't listen to me, I'm biased), so I'm hoping you guys will like it too. It reveals a little something about Coop and something more. Anyta was kind enough to edit already (it's amazing how fast she can edit), but I'll look into that tomorrow, so that I'll have a fresh mind when I look into the chapter again and will be able to critique even my own writing.

 

What to expect for Chapter 4? Why shopping, of course

 

John

[jian_sierra]

Chapter 4 uploaded. Enjoy.

 

Sorry if I'm not ranting today (or maybe it's a good thing that I'm not). I'm a little pissed that I had to format and try to upload this chapter for four times because of the power outtages. Can you imagine? Just as I was about to hit the 'Add Story' button, the power suddenly goes out!

 

Anyway, please write a post if you want to discuss the story with me. Anything which gave you pause, well it's my duty to fix that so would appreciate you pointing it out to me.

 

For Chapter 5, well Coop and Mich alone in his apartment. They're teenagers. What do you expect?

[MikeL]

Cooper may be just a little dense, not recognizing Mich's interest in him. Why would someone he barely knows take him to his (Mich's) home and feed him dinner? And then there's Vern. Did she recognize that Mich would be more interested in Cooper than in her?

 

A great story, John. Glad I caught up and I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Edited September 10, 2010 by MikeL

[jian_sierra]

Very interesting questions. I will not comment for now hehe. But I would like to thank you for reading and providing feedback. I appreciate it very much

 

If I don't get lazy (which is still doubtful), I might get to write Chapter 5 within this week. If I do get lazy (which might be the case), all that I can promise is that I'll write it next week at the very least.

 

Thank you for the support Mike.

[MikeL]

After reading Chapter 5, I think Cooper and Mich are going to be much more than friends. Did Mich hide from Vern to avoid a confrontation or to hide the fact he was calling on Cooper?

 

Enjoying the story very much, John. That awkward conversation between the two guys was really cool, though neither of them was. It will be interesting to see what you have in store for our characters.

[jian_sierra]

After reading Chapter 5, I think Cooper and Mich are going to be much more than friends. Did Mich hide from Vern to avoid a confrontation or to hide the fact he was calling on Cooper?

 

Enjoying the story very much, John. That awkward conversation between the two guys was really cool, though neither of them was. It will be interesting to see what you have in store for our characters.

 

Mich and Coop being more than friends? Now why would you think that

 

I have a lot of ideas on how to proceed with this story, but I don't wanna control the characters so I'll just let them tell me what they want to do. Part of the plot (hey I have a plot, imagine that) is that we get to know Mich and Coop better through their families. How I do that, well, let's just say I'm still working on it.

 

Thanks for reading and taking the time to provide feedback. I appreciate it very much.

 

John

[jian_sierra]

Well despite of CSI and Supernatural, I was able to finish Chapter 7 hehe. I did think that the story is a boring mainly because there wasn't that much that happened, but I personally like this chapter because of the sweetness between Coop and Mich. Wish I had someone like that in my life, it's only a matter of time I hope.

 

Anyway, if you want to discuss the story with me so far, please feel free to write a review or post here. I'll discuss things which I think won't spoil the story, otherwise, I'll keep silent about it. If anything gave you pause, I would appreciate if you highlight those to me

 

Thank you for all those who are still reading,

 

John

[Agaith]

I don't find it boring

I like the interaction between Coop and Mich, and Mich taking care of Coop like that made me think how deep Mich's feelings actually go.

 

When Mich said ' "You're like a brother to me." ' I thought WHAT! Not what I was expecting

Looking forward to how this story is going to go

[jian_sierra]

I don't find it boring

I like the interaction between Coop and Mich, and Mich taking care of Coop like that made me think how deep Mich's feelings actually go.

 

When Mich said ' "You're like a brother to me." ' I thought WHAT! Not what I was expecting

Looking forward to how this story is going to go

 

Hey Agaith,

 

Thanks for reading I bet if Mich knew about how much Coop is into him, he wouldn't say that. My wish is for Coop to get the courage to say something to Mich about his feelings.

 

Anyway, the next chapter might involve some swimming. If not then the chapter after that.

 

John

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Hey Agaith,

 

Thanks for reading I bet if Mich knew about how much Coop is into him, he wouldn't say that. My wish is for Coop to get the courage to say something to Mich about his feelings.

 

 

 

John

 

 

Dude, in the world of Coop and Mich you are God - your wish is their command - :king:

 

You want Coop to say something - done, want them to go swimmng - done,

 

In the words of Nike - Just Do It -

[jian_sierra]

Dude, in the world of Coop and Mich you are God - your wish is their command - :king:

 

You want Coop to say something - done, want them to go swimmng - done,

 

In the words of Nike - Just Do It -

 

Well I can do that, sure, it's easy. But the fun part for me is letting the characters tell me what they want to do. I know it's weird, but I love it. Makes the characters more real to me, that way I get the most out of writing

[AnytaSunday]

I just love Subtle Beauty. I contend to be your biggest fan!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Every chapter I love Coop more. And Mich is awesome, too. Get cracking on eight, please. I can't wait.