[Dark] Waylon's Crossing by Dark

[Dark]

Hello! Welcome to the hangout for Waylon's Crossing, a new story by yours truly. A heartfelt thanks go Nephylim and Sat8997.

 

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Once upon a time I met a young man named Djourn on a site called writing.com. We had both joined a collaborative story and started chatting regarding setting up a backstory between his character and mine. Then Djourn asked me a question that changed my life. He asked me if the two characters, a policeman and a werewolf, could be lovers. I was like "... Um."

 

Although that story never went anywhere, those two characters became the centerpiece for this tale. There are several spots where Djourn role-played with me, and he even wrote a couple of scenes. He gave me his blessing to write a real story, but he has never seen it because we lost touch. Thank you, kiddo. This is dedicated to you. Miss you loads.

 

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This is a story set in a city named Waylon's Crossing. Centuries ago in an attempt to save their world, the demons of the World of Night cast a mighty spell that sent their world crashing into ours (the World of Light). There was war between the worlds -- known as the Demon War -- and in the end, the World of Night had a new ruler: the Queen of Darkness. Her brother was cast out as an exile for undefined crimes.

 

But all was not as it was before. The inhabitants of the World of Light tried to cast off the demon world and as a result created a shadowy no man's land between both worlds. They called these areas the Borderlands and they act as doorways. Crossing into the Borderlands is not always as simple as stepping through a door or turning down a street, but sometimes it is.

 

Waylon's Crossing has many access ways between the worlds and as a result the townsfolk are a diverse lot. Magic all but disappeared at the end of the Demon War, but something is stirring in the city. For good or for evil?

 

One thing is for sure: the city, and the world as we know it, will never again be the same.

 

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Please note that the story has some very dark themes associated with it. There are scenes of torture and violence, so if you are faint of heart, read at your own peril.

 

There are something like 200,000 words to date and a wide cast of characters. Read carefully for the hidden clues that will reveal the secrets of Waylon's Crossing and the people who live there.

 

Genre: Fantasy, Action & Adventure

 

Characters include werewolves and elementals the like of which you have never before seen and a creature that serves as a living battery for the first magic seen in centuries.

 

Rating: Mature -- I have it on good authority that the sex scenes are whacky and erotic.

 

Theme: Coming of Age -- you'll see why.

 

Enjoy.

 

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Find the story here.

 

[Nephylim]

 

DANGER

 

 

HEED THE WARNING

This story is SERIOUSLY addictive and too great exposure may damage your health

 

 

 

Seriously this is a wonderful story. It is the kind of story I could never write... detailed, complex and multi stranded that weave together in an awesome tappesty of fantasy, mystery, betrayal, destiny and much much more

 

The cast of characters are varied and colourful with their own distinct character which remain true throughout.

 

I am really happy to have been a small part of it

 

 

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Dark, if you hook me on a new story, I am so gonna hate you - well not really but kinda sorta.

[Dark]

Nephy's going to make me blush!

 

Dark, if you hook me on a new story, I am so gonna hate you - well not really but kinda sorta.

 

Watch out! I'm gonna get my claws in you!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Nephy's going to make me blush!

 

 

 

Watch out! I'm gonna get my claws in you!

 

Having finally finished writing the last chapters of Sec Shot - [editing still on going] I have time to read again Woo Hoo. So lucky me this popped up now

[Dark]

Congrats on finishing your story, Andy! You're going to have some disappointed fans -- will have to write something new for us ASAP!

 

Lucky me, though!

[Marzipan]

Love it love it love it love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That was all I'm gonna say here.

 

**Dances a happy dance for finding a new story to follow**

[Dark]

Found it! You may be interested in taking a look at this pic. I saw it and immediately thought of Kynan. Of course, I think Kynan would be a bit more muscular. Perhaps this is a younger him. and of course he has blue eyes, not red.

 

>> Click here for pic <<

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Found it! You may be interested in taking a look at this pic. I saw it and immediately thought of Kynan. Of course, I think Kynan would be a bit more muscular. Perhaps this is a younger him. and of course he has blue eyes, not red.

 

>> Click here for pic <<

 

So basically they look nothing alike but you just liked that picture and decided to share it with us right?

[Dark]

So basically they look nothing alike but you just liked that picture and decided to share it with us right?

Well, you know ... it is a sexy pic. A writer takes whatever inspiration comes along.

[Marzipan]

Well, you know ... it is a sexy pic. A writer takes whatever inspiration comes along.

 

 

Just keep the pics coming!

[Nephylim]

Well, that is kind of like I imagined Kynan.. I mean he has the hat. I just think he would be more serious and with longer hair... very pretty though... Kynan and the picture

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Two comments -

 

First - I hate you - yes I like, yes I am hooked so now you go on my shit list Oh yeah - post faster, that is what everyone did to me, now it's my turn.

 

Second - Nephy endorsement needed to come with a disclaimer - if she's gonna pump you up, she needs to make full discloser - just sayin - bad Wicked Naughty Nephy - there is only one punishment for failure to disclose - A good spanking. [sorry, I stole that from Monthy Python's Holy Grail Movie. and I'm editing out the second part, just a spanking for this ]

[Dark]

It's only punishment if you don't enjoy it!!

 

I love you, too, Andy!! But I spill no secrets. Chapters will come out twice a week and it is a good thing for me that I have so much already done because I GOT THE JOB! I was offered a full-time teaching gig - Chemistry and Physics - and so my computer fun time is going to take a serious hit while I get up to speed there.

 

I'm super excited guys -- this is a great day with everyone liking the new story and getting the best possible job a brand-new teacher could ever hope to land.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

It's only punishment if you don't enjoy it!!

 

I love you, too, Andy!! But I spill no secrets. Chapters will come out twice a week and it is a good thing for me that I have so much already done because I GOT THE JOB! I was offered a full-time teaching gig - Chemistry and Physics - and so my computer fun time is going to take a serious hit while I get up to speed there.

 

I'm super excited guys -- this is a great day with everyone liking the new story and getting the best possible job a brand-new teacher could ever hope to land.

 

 

Okay, nothing funny - WOO HOO! Congrats.

 

Yeah my vacation is over so my time goes back down too.

 

BUT That's pretty awesome. Way to go and see you when we see you

[Kavrik]

I'm a fan of the story, but I had a few style questions that bug me. As a disclaimer, I read critically (it's just the way I am these days) and I hope you don't mind.

 

Whatever he might look like in real life, here the werewolf shone brightly, shining white and silver, like moonbeams.

Do you think that this might have been stated better if you'd omitted the simile at the end? Example: "Whatever he might look like in real life, here the werewolf shone brightly in both white and silver."

 

a pose somewhere between dreams and wakefulness

I have no idea what this means...what exactly is a pose between dream and wakefulness? Are you speaking of no R.E.M. activity?

 

He was too far, too far to initiate contact; his meager chance was slipping away!

I personally feel that the repeat of "too far" and the exclamation at the end of the sentence are both unnecessary.

 

And then the pup looked up, meeting Kynan's eyes, and shocking them both

I would fix "And then the pup looked up, met Kynan's eyes, and shocked them both"

 

Staring into those eyes was like staring into heaven, a place he'd only ever seen in others' dreams. It took his breath away. What must the werewolf be dreaming, to make his eyes like that, as if to draw him into a wholly other world?

I would consider revision for clarity. Suggestion: "Staring into those eyes reminded him of heaven, a place he'd only seen in other's dreams. It took his breath away. What must the werewolf be dreaming to make his eyes reflect such otherworld beauty?"

 

Kynan struggled madly for a moment, scrambling for purchase, wailing in fear and desperation. No!

I think "for a moment" ruins this sentence. Suggestion: "Kynan struggled madly, scrambled for purchase, wailed in fear and desperation. No!" This technique is called asyndeton and I feel that it could be used effectively in this situation.

 

The prince knelt beside him on the dirt-coated stone of the cell, a kindly expression on his demonic face and a wet rag in his hand that he used to wipe Kynan's cheeks and brow, touching eyes and lips and chin.

I would consider revising this long sentence. My suggestion is: "The prince knelt beside him on the dirty stone floor of the cell. His face was demonic but his expression was kind. He wiped Kynan's face with a wet rag."

 

I don't really understand how a face could be described as both demonic and kind so more explanation would be needed here for me to not stop in my reading and question, huh? Additionally, I reduced cheeks, brow, touching eyes, lips, and chin to "face" because it seems to me that if he's wiping all of those things, then he is certainly wiping the whole face. And if not, maybe "wipe" is the wrong word to use here so I might go with annoint or something like that, but it is unclear in my reading exactly what's going on in this particular instance.

 

Thanks for the read and don't ever feel obligated to listen to what I suggest. I just figure that's at least one of the purposes for these forums.

 

[Dark]

I'm a fan of the story, but I had a few style questions that bug me. As a disclaimer, I read critically (it's just the way I am these days) and I hope you don't mind.

I don't mind at all. Have you thought about offering your services as an editor? I think any author would be lucky to get imput like this.

[sat8997]

This is the beauty of fiction. Everyone 'reads' differently.

 

I think each author has their own tone, so to speak, a style that suits not only them, but whichever genre they happen to write. Science fiction and/or fantasy isn't usually the genre I pick when I'm reading. But for some reason, this story caught my interest right from the begining. For me, anyway, there's a flow to Dark's style that works.

[Dark]

In case you weren't aware, Chapter 2 is available.

[Nephylim]

This has been an interesting thread so far

 

As you know hun I am a total fan of the story I love it. I am wondering, though, having read what Kavrik wrote above whether I have done you something of a disservice in reading and reviwing your work in the light of my own style. As you know I am most keen on long sentences and, possibly, over descriptive and romanticised writing and If I am totally honest, in every example above I prefer the original.

 

As sat said, reading is very subjective. I suppose you just have to go with what you think suits you better. There have been occasions when I have made revisions suggested to me and there are times (ask Cia) when I am stubborn and stick with what I want, even though the suggestion is reasonable and maybe even, technically better.

 

I always, always appeciate criticism and I would more than welcome it in my threads. If I agree I will change. If I don't I will defend. It's totally up to you.

 

I love your story with all its imperfection and I am so totally stoked that you got the job. I hope that it will be all that you hoped it would be. Now that you're working the next drink is on you

 

 

[Andrew Q Gordon]

This has been an interesting thread so far

 

As you know hun I am a total fan of the story I love it. I am wondering, though, having read what Kavrik wrote above whether I have done you something of a disservice in reading and reviwing your work in the light of my own style. As you know I am most keen on long sentences and, possibly, over descriptive and romanticised writing and If I am totally honest, in every example above I prefer the original.

 

As sat said, reading is very subjective. I suppose you just have to go with what you think suits you better. There have been occasions when I have made revisions suggested to me and there are times (ask Cia) when I am stubborn and stick with what I want, even though the suggestion is reasonable and maybe even, technically better.

 

I always, always appeciate criticism and I would more than welcome it in my threads. If I agree I will change. If I don't I will defend. It's totally up to you.

 

I love your story with all its imperfection and I am so totally stoked that you got the job. I hope that it will be all that you hoped it would be. Now that you're working the next drink is on you

 

 

 

 

There are two things here - one is style and one is proper grammar and punctuation. Style is personal. Dark, if you like how Nephy writes and you choose to flatter her by imitating her, good for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Those comments which addressed style are just a personal preference. Where the comments went to grammar and what not, well that is different.

 

There are also certain tenants of writing which, while not strictly grammatical, are rules to live by. The best writing is done by showing, not telling. Antya is always on me about this and she is right. Maintaining POV and perspective while not an absolute do make for better reading, there is less and more .

 

TBH, I didn't notice many issues at all with your writing. If there were grammatical mistakes, they weren't glaring, I didn't find you to be too much tell, not enough show - and believe me I do notice when writers do this, so on balance, Kavrik's comments should be considered as he meant them, just suggestions. At the end, your style has to be your own. I know there are times I steadfast refuse suggestions not because they are wrong and they might even be better, but they are not me or my style.

 

Thus far, I'd say keep up what you are doing, it's you and it seems to me most people like it

 

Andy

[Dark]

I think the main point is not being clear in what I'm trying to describe. That is a killer for any story. So, where I found it appropriate, I made some changes. No big deal, but I sincerely appreciate suggestions like these no matter who they come from. I don't know that I'm intentionally imitating anyone, but I do think that who you read tends to come out in your writing in one way or another. Sometimes it's good, other times not so much. It's hard to make at judgment call.

 

In any case, the story is still young and as yet there's no real story-plot/character discussion going on.

 

What do you guys think of the characters so far? (I know you think Kynan's sexy, lol).

 

@Nephy, I don't get my paycheck for another month, so drinks're still on you, babe.

[Kavrik]

I just finished reading chapter two and I took a few notes...

 

Bamani crystals could only be harvested deep within the demon world, where even demons were reluctant to tread.

This almost begs more detail and without that detail, it's kind of irritating. In other words...what are demons afraid of and why do I have to wait until later or trust that you'll come back to it to find out more?

 

I would also omit certain words. I think they would strengthen the effect of what you are saying. For example:

 

1) "Stunned, Batya sat in silence, contemplating long minutes before offering Alan a price: "One hundred gold pieces." I already know that if she's stunned that she's not going to be speaking. Then you say she is sitting in silence (well I knew that already). Then you tell me it's many long minutes before she speaks again. A suggestion might be to change it to "Batya was stunned. After many long minutes of contemplation she offered Alan a price..."

 

2) "One hundred!" His voice squeaked. He'd expected a couple gold coins, maybe as many as a dozen, but a hundred pieces?"

How about omitting the "his voice squeaked" completely and saying "One hundred!" He'd expected a couple gold coins..."?

 

3)

farming vendors packed up their carts with their unsold chickens and veggies and fruits and reattached their mules

How about omitting "with their unsold chickens and veggies and fruits" completely unless that's important to the story (which it really doesn't seem to be).

 

4)

Fur, thick and dark, began to sprout all over his body as his feet changed into paws and his legs bent and shaped themselves as a wolf's...

Suggestion: "Thick dark fur sprouted over his body, his feet changed into paws, and his legs became those of a wolf's."

 

He focused his mind on the steady beat.

The steady beat of what? His heart? Because you don't supply this to the reader. There's all kinds of things going on here at the point of this sentence.

 

He felt a par of ribs recede and his spine realign

I think you mean "pair" right? or is this a golf term?

 

This, he thought. This is my true form. This is natural. This is the balance. I am at peace. I am at peace.

I understand wanting to use short sentences for impact. However, are you really accomplishing this here? Possibly consider, "This is my true form, natural, in balance, and I am at peace."

 

Passage from the Dioses, Book of the Ancients

Alpha; Pssg 2; Vrs 8-14, 32-62

I have no idea what all this is. Then the text launched into that ancient Bible speech stuff. To be honest...I skipped it and went to where Duncan was flipping pages. I hope nothing important was there because I detest reading that kind of writing.

 

but his feet had carried him unerringly across the darkened city streets

Do you mean unwittingly? Unless he has trouble walking he shouldn't error when he's walking.

 

 

"finding as much variation in terrain as the lands themselves" Isn't terrain and land the same thing? I mean, doesn't this essentially say there is as much variation in land as the land? It confuses me.

 

 

"With a sigh, Duncan pushed the ancient book back on its pedestal and stepped away. Stained glass spilled moonlight into the front of the cathedral and the pedestal upon which rested the history of the church. On the wall behind the Book of the Ancients was an equally ancient wall-hanging.

 

The sunburst on white background glittered brightly in the moonlight."

 

Two observations here. First, you want me to realize that things are ancient. Okay, I got that. Second, moonlight through stained glass is going to be colored right? So how does the sunburst glitter so brightly?

 

Again, thank you for the read Dark. I like your story and I'm just trying to provide constructive criticism here. These are points that I had hangups on but I'm not your typical reader. Looking forward to Chapter 3.

[Dark]

I think you mean "pair" right? or is this a golf term?

I laugh because several different pairs of eyes looked this over and none of us caught that.

 

 

Do you mean unwittingly? Unless he has trouble walking he shouldn't error when he's walking.

Maybe he does. XD

 

 

"finding as much variation in terrain as the lands themselves" Isn't terrain and land the same thing? I mean, doesn't this essentially say there is as much variation in land as the land? It confuses me.

OK, I know what I meant to say, that each area within the Borderlands is like its own world, and each one is different. The 'land' in that sentence was supposed to be Borderlands. What do you think?

 

 

The sunburst on white background glittered brightly in the moonlight."

This is referring to how bright the moon is. When light travels through glass, more or less light can be absorbed depending on the color of the glass. That's why beer bottles are brown; so that less light travels through the glass to affect the beverage. Guess I got too scientific there. Full moons can be really bright.

 

Perhaps it's an author's pride, but I like that passage from the 'bible' too much to delete it. I argued with myself and ultimately kept it in. You didn't miss anything by skipping it, though. It's a creation myth at heart and talks about why the oaths used in the story are "Daylight!" and so forth. This passage was written by a friend of mine (because I suck at that sort of thing) and it was written at my request specifically for the story.

 

As always, I appreciate the comments. Til later, then!

[Dark]

By the way, chapter 3 has been posted. My favorite feature of GAstories is misbehaving, so I asked Lugh to delete the unpublished chapters. I'll just be adding them manually, so I'll do my best to stay on a regular posting schedule.

 

For your enjoyment, in my gallery I'm posting a comic drawn for me by a friend. We haven't gotten to this point yet in the story, so you get a piece at a time until we're fully there. Of course, there will be some discrepancies between the comic and the actual story. Artistic license and all that. lol. In any case, I enjoyed it!

 

Part 1 is below: