Trials and Tribulations

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 2 is now posted of my first story ever and I'm not sure if I have what it takes to write. It's a story about the trials and tribulations of Andy Collins and friends as he confronts his sexual orientation in a small mining town of Pine Hills nestled away in the Appalachian Mountains of Eastern Kentucky.

 

Please read and let me know what you think about the first chapter of the first story I've written.

 

Trials and Tribulations

 

 

 

[Dannsar]

Well, you asked, so I'll tell you ... but I will preface this with the admonition that I don't read stories until they are complete. So I have only read a few paragraphs to see if it is worthwhile waiting for.

 

You have a writing style / voice which has that clarity that some of the very best writers on here have. And as a critical writer, I find that very good. I've just finished reading Dark's Waylon's Crossing and he is very similar, as is Shadowgod and Jack Scribe. So it seems to me you are in good company there, Mr..

 

I'd have a couple of things to say as advice, though. Firstly, watch your punctuation. Some people hate starting sentences with 'and' (Cia will descend like a flock of wraiths for that one ... only kidding, Cia ), but you have started one sentence with 'and' where it should plainly have been a comma, not a new sentence. Btw, I really like starting sentences with 'and'

 

Secondly, and this is far the more important... your lovely clear voice is being diminished by a tendency to add in little asides all over the joint. This clutters up the writing and really detracts from your object.

 

I hope that helps

 

Otherwise, I can't wait for it to be finished, but please don't make me wait too long, please

[Benji]

................... Hey Brat! LOL! As I told you earlier in chat you have a great story going, now what is your estimate of a posting schedule? Readers tend to lose interest if it is not at least weekly, not suggesting it but a cliffhanger or two seems to keep the pack begging for more. Lastly, let your readers know how many chapters you plan to have in the saga.

 

BTW, I loved your writing style and the flow of the 2 chapters!

[Billy Martin]

Thank you very much for taking your time to comment and offering words of wisdom and instruction. Cia has already descended on me for beginning a sentence with the word AND (I thought I had fixed that problem).. But, she was very gentle in doing so. She also left me with other pearls of wisdom that I intention to follow.

 

As I'm sure you can tell, this is indeed my first attempt to write a story of any kind. For the moment, I'm just allowing the words to flow from me and letting my editors and proof reader correct the mistakes, giving the story better structure, and make me look like I know what I'm doing.

 

I'm not sure I know what you mean by, "Secondly, and this is far the more important... your lovely clear voice is being diminished by a tendency to add in little asides all over the joint. This clutters up the writing and really detracts from your object". If by chance you read my reply, please explain further; because. I truly am a beginner.

 

As for my intentions concerning a time table for posting, it's my intentions to post at least once a week.

[Billy Martin]

................... Hey Brat! LOL! As I told you earlier in chat you have a great story going, now what is your estimate of a posting schedule? Readers tend to lose interest if it is not at least weekly, not suggesting it but a cliffhanger or two seems to keep the pack begging for more. Lastly, let your readers know how many chapters you plan to have in the saga.

 

BTW, I loved your writing style and the flow of the 2 chapters!

 

Thanks Benji!

 

I intend to post at least once a week, as health allows. As for how many chapters, to be honest, I'm not sure. I have no experience in writing either a short story of 10 chapters or less or a story that's 30 chapters or more. I feel like there's a lot to tell about young Andy and this small sleepy town; but, I'm just not sure how much everyone wants to read.

[Dannsar]

OK, what I'm going to do is just to put a strikethrough the stuff that I think might be superfluous. Remember, though, that it is just my opinion, and it needs to remain your writing. Sometimes the best thing to do is to ignore advice ... but not until you have considered it

 

Why the hell did I just do that? I knew what the consequences would be if I got involved. I guess if I was thinking, it must have been damn the consequences, full speed ahead; because, that’s exactly what I did.  But, what was I to do? Just stand there and do nothing? Or worse, walk away?

 

I looked down and offered my hand to Joey. He looked up at me with blood running from his nose.

 

“Thanks” Joey said as I pulled him to his feet.

 

He looked so small and vulnerable bleeding and tears in his eyes. Oh my God, what eyes he had. They stopped me cold. They were such a deep blue that they pulled me in. Then I realized I had stopped breathing and stammered, “Its… it…was… I mean it… was nothing.”

 

God, where had my voice gone? It was like I couldn’t talk anymore.

What a bloody good opening, btw

 

Joey was looking around at everyone looking at us and then looked down at James Thomas McCray III who everyone called JT, still laying on the ground out cold where he folded like a house of cards after I hit him with a right upper cut. Joey looked back at me with a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

 

OK, maybe I should start at the beginning or at least at the beginning of this day. And explain how this day unfolded, leading up to this moment in time. So, my name is Michael Andrew Collins. Everyone calls me Andy. That’s by my request. I mean, there are all kinds of Michaels and Mikes and I wanted to be different. So by the age of 9, I started asking everyone to call me Andy. It was at the start of little league baseball for me then and I was a Yankees fan. I was also an Andy Pettitte fan. So Andy it was.

 

Anyway, that’s enough about my name. I’m 15 years old and I’m 5’ 10” tall with light brown hair and blue green eyes. I kid you not. My eyes are like a deep blue pond with a splash of green radiating out from my pupil like a star burst. The girls love them. And I seriously don’t mind the attention. I guess I have an average build; some would say a swimmer or baseball player build. I’m really smooth, no hair except a little in my pits and around my dick, on top the head on my shoulder and peach fuzz on my legs. I guess I’m little bigger than average in the dick department at around 6 cut inches. At least from what I could tell in the locker room at school. I’m happy with the way I look. But, I’m not the type that worries about it either. I mean people can take me as is, or don’t bother me over it.

 

I’m sophomore in a small town high school nestled away in the Appalachian Mountains of Eastern Kentucky. I guess you could say I lived in the heart of the coalfields where coal is king. Everything revolves around coal. The stores, the restaurants, the banks, the vocational schools, even the churches were all there for the miners and their families. Most boys grew up knowing one day they would be miners or working in some way supporting the mines or miners. But I had no intentions of walking down that road.

 

I had finally decided that I would somewhat follow in my father’s footsteps and become a lawyer; but, I would find a job in a big city somewhere and get away from a small town like Pine Hills. I had lived here all my life. And the one thing that bugged the crap out of me was everyone knew everyone’s business.

 

And I had a big secret I didn’t want anyone to know. Once anyone knew the secret, the whole town would know. That’s just the way things worked in a small town. So, I knew as I started the new school year tomorrow, I was going to have to watch how I acted around everyone. You see, my big secret was, I’m gay. That was my last thought as I fell asleep and then dreamed of having sex with every boy in my class. This was not going to be easy.

 

I’m really not a morning person and when the alarm went off at 7am, I was ready to grab it and throw it out the window or smash it against the wall with my best fastball. Instead I hit the snooze button and rolled over pulling the covers over my head.

 

The next thing I know I hear “boom boom boom”, I swear I thought we were under attack. But no, I heard a voice calling out, “Michael Andrew, get your butt out of bed. You’ve got twenty minutes to be dressed and downstairs for breakfast!”

 

That would be my dad, Judge Samuel A. Collins.

 

Moaning, I rolled out of bed and answered, “Be right down dad”.

 

I headed toward the bathroom with my morning wood leading the way. And went through what would be my morning routine for the next nine months of pee, shower, dress, and eat breakfast which included spanking little Mikey (my pet name for my dick) in the shower. Yeah I know, weird. I call myself Andy and my dick Mikey. So, I’m a weird kid. Get over it! As I stepped under the water, images of different guys at school flashed in my head. First was Randy, the cute basketball player.  Gary was next with his long hair and hairy legs. I was always fascinated with long hairy legs. And my best friend Roger of course, who had all the girls after him and I’m sure all the gay guys too, with his electric smile and dimples that just showcased what could only be described as a beautiful face. And then there was JT, the tall black haired kid with an amazing body that always made me a little weak in the knees when I talked to him, and that image was all it took to take me over the edge. So, like any normal teenager, I threw back my head and splashed the walls with my morning offering. And I let the water take the evidence down the drain. Lawyers the world over would be proud of me. I can't really strike this last bit, cos I have no idea why they would be proud of a teenager washing the evidence down the drain

 

As I sat down at the table for my bowl of cereal with 2 minutes to spare, Dad asked, “Are you ready for the new school year, son?” I looked up at him and answered, “Yes sir. I just wish baseball season was already here.”

OK, that was as much as I read. As I said, it was plenty enough for me to know I want to read more when you're done, because it's predominantly very good and has great clarity. But the best editing tool, after the critical brain, is the DEL key

 

Now, it's pretty brave of you to ask for this sort of feedback, and not in a PM, so über kudos for that. But there's something you need to remember about the editorial knife:- the reader does not see what you have cut out, and therefore does not know how it has been changed. The fact that you do has no bearing on it. It is important to try to cut out any excess. The reader is not going to miss any little asides. The fact that you do is nearly always unimportant. Try to think of two things - is the part necessary to move the story on, and is it contributing anything of real value. If the first answer is no, move to the second and put your finger on the DEL button. If the second answer is no, press down.

 

Now ... I'm holding my breath ...

[Billy Martin]

After you been through the things I've been through, the only words that could hurt me would be words from a parent of disgust and hate. I thank you very much for your advice.

[Benji]

................... Nice chapter! Looks like Andy and Joey are going have to watch their backs from on. I wonder what Joey's parents are on about? Got to be tough having a preacher as a father.

[Billy Martin]

Thank you Benji. I've always heard it was hard having a preacher for a dad. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it was a dad that was also a preacher.

[Benji]

........ Well it would seem the Joey's father abuse's him, I'm going to bet everything was okay in his family before the parents found out that he was gay. Probably got caught with another boy, and the enraged parents parents moved to start over and keep Joey on a tight leash and punished often. Great chapter!

[Billy Martin]

........ Well it would seem the Joey's father abuse's him, I'm going to bet everything was okay in his family before the parents found out that he was gay. Probably got caught with another boy, and the enraged parents parents moved to start over and keep Joey on a tight leash and punished often. Great chapter!

 

You may be surprised what the real story is. Stay tune.

[Benji]

............. Unfortunately I was right, that preacher father is a piece of work, and the mother is no better standing by and watching it happen. A lot went down in this chapter, I see Joey's father being arrested at the hospital next his ranting there will be heard and condemn him, then a warrant for his mother. Great Chapter Brat!

[Billy Martin]

Thank you Benji.

 

Yeah, Joey's Dad appears more concerned about how people look at him than his own son or even his God. If anyone had been brought to that preacher actually demon possessed there's no way a demon would have been cast out with his faith. I'm not sure a demon possessed person can cast out a demon in another person. I may have to read up on that

 

Again, thanks Benji!

[Conner]

........ Well it would seem the Joey's father abuse's him, I'm going to bet everything was okay in his family before the parents found out that he was gay. Probably got caught with another boy, and the enraged parents parents moved to start over and keep Joey on a tight leash and punished often. Great chapter!

 

Not bad at all, Benji! As an aside, do you pick lottery numbers?

 

Great story, Billy! I'm really enjoying it.

[Benji]

Not bad at all, Benji! As an aside, do you pick lottery numbers?

 

Great story, Billy! I'm really enjoying it.

 

 

.............. I only wish I could pick out lottery numbers!

[Billy Martin]

Not bad at all, Benji! As an aside, do you pick lottery numbers?

 

Great story, Billy! I'm really enjoying it.

 

Thank you Conner.

 

Yes, Benji was right. But, did anyone guess that Joey had been sexually abused as well? Remember, the relationship with his coach quickly turned one-sided. He was being used by the older boy and beaten by his father for getting caught being abused. How's that for a double emotional and physical whammy?

[Benji]

.............. Ahhhhh! The kiss, although I was expecting it later in other chapters, it was good to see that out of the way. Looks like the Pastor is in deep shit here, I wonder if his wife will be charged also! And what of the Deacons in the other state? And what is Rodger's fathers role in this story? Nice chapter, nicely moving along the story!

[Billy Martin]

We don't know yet what state the other church was in. But we will. And the kiss. Yeah, it felt right. And I hope I ended the chapter at the right spot. Time will tell Roger Dad's role.

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 7's draft has been written, I'm just waiting on the editing and them have it beta read.

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 7 will more than likely be posted tomorrow, Wednesday. And will probably continue to be posted once a week hereafter, the day of the week to be determined. However, the Christmas season and other personal factors may affect the schedule some. I will do everything I can to meet my intentions to post a chapter at least once a week until the story is completed. Just please keep in mind that I am under going some medical treatments that can suppress my ability to meet our expectations.

 

Trials and Tribulations

[Benji]

............. Nice chapter, again moving along nicely, I'm glad Joey's mother was only mentioned is passing, no need for her to have a long dialogue. The song was a nice touch! Andy's father surprised me by being so quick on the draw about his son's sexuality, but then again Judges are supposed to be able to read people. Great that Joey will be placed in a great home..........but I sense not all will go well soon at school, I'm sure Andy's parents will seek revenge and the word will get out that Joey is gay. Thanks for another great chapter Brat!!!

[Billy Martin]

I'm glad you liked it Benji. And thank you for your "like it" vote. I've noticed those votes are getting fewer. I hope people still like the story. And in the end it's found to not only be entertaining, but have a message that will touch us all.

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 8 is posted.

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 9 is being beta read and will be up before the end of the week.

[Billy Martin]

Chapter 9 is now posted and I hope you enjoy