' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[AC Benus]

I'm not too sure about this one. Something about the first Quatrain leaves me unsatisfied...

 

Thoughts, suggestions...?

 

 

The poet lovers once explored a land

Where Mother Nature's bounty overflowed

Her milk and honey on the desert sand

Of promises only Time could erode. 

And so, seeing your smile when I dipped

The perfect strawberry in the syrup

Recalled in me the sensual manuscript

Where body and mind meld in easy setup.

The morsel brought to your lips for a bite

Smothers the sweetness of a New World

Where Rimbaud's rose the deepest kisses invite

And Verlaine's passions to the depths are hurled.

Explorer or the land that is conquered,

We long most for the place our hearts are spurred.  

[Parker Owens]

If you ask me, (and I am between classes, so I'm hurrying), it's the fourth line in the first quatrain that throws me off, both by timing and subject. But then, I am shooing one group out the door while another meanders in. The whole thing feels very sensual to me, far more so than the integrals I have to cover in the next period.

[AC Benus]

If you ask me, (and I am between classes, so I'm hurrying), it's the fourth line in the first quatrain that throws me off, both by timing and subject. But then, I am shooing one group out the door while another meanders in. The whole thing feels very sensual to me, far more so than the integrals I have to cover in the next period.

Yes, that's exactly the line I feel least comfortable with 

[Aditus]

Very tentatively suggests it's not a clean iambus between promises and only... You know me and my speaking English.

 

Now that I read it a bit faster it sounds okay?  

Edited February 6, 2016 by aditus

[Mikiesboy]

It's the word 'of' for me in the last line of the first quatrain.. of doesn't seem to relate.. maybe the promises... anyway. I'll be back in bit!!  My husband is calling and im not dressed, lol.

[dughlas]

I don't have any suggestions to help but as I read that line I had a mental stumble and struggled to get back into the flow. Sorry that's little help.

[J.HunterDunn]

too forward ?:

 

inducing promises Time would erode

[AC Benus]

I think I'm going to scrap the line and think about it some more. But I do like 'erode' here...

[Parker Owens]

The rock which shifting winds of Time erode......?

 

 

Just a post lunch thought....

[Emi GS]

I'm not too sure about this one. Something about the first Quatrain leaves me unsatisfied...

Thoughts, suggestions...?

 

The poet lovers once explored a land

Where Mother Nature's bounty overflowed

Her milk and honey on the desert sand

Of promises only Time could erode.

And so, seeing your smile when I dipped

The perfect strawberry in the syrup

Recalled in me the sensual manuscript

Where body and mind meld in easy setup.

The morsel brought to your lips for a bite

Smothers the sweetness of a New World

Where Rimbaud's rose the deepest kisses invite

And Verlaine's passions to the depths are hurled.

Explorer or the land that is conquered,

We long most for the place our hearts are spurred.

I don't think I am smart or efficient enough to suggest on this poem. I'm still new and immature, who try to act like mature one. But I liked the poem.

 

It is a really nice poem which explains what we missed or loosing from mother nature with our actions and all. I can see how mother nature adopted us and give all we want and after that a simple thought occurred how we are ruining it.

 

All negative thought aside, it is a beautiful poem...

 

Upphh!!! Am I overreacting!!!???

[AC Benus]

I don't think I am smart or efficient enough to suggest on this poem. I'm still new and immature, who try to act like mature one. But I liked the poem.

 

It is a really nice poem which explains what we missed or loosing from mother nature with our actions and all. I can see how mother nature adopted us and give all we want and after that a simple thought occurred how we are ruining it.

 

All negative thought aside, it is a beautiful poem...

 

Upphh!!! Am I overreacting!!!???

No, it's lovely feedback, Emi. Thank you very much, I appreciate it a lot.

[AC Benus]

....of a Promised Land never to erode...

[Doctor Oger]

Something about the first Quatrain leaves me unsatisfied...

 

 

Speak for yourself. No dissatisfaction on this end.

You only used a few generic expressions: "Mother Nature's bounty" and her "milk and honey". That those seem a little trodden is a matter of taste, I think, but they fit well into the atmosphere of 'past' with those two historic geniuses, the general metaphoric direction of their style/symbolism and your overall very traditional wording (dunno how to explain it, but I think you can make sense of "traditional wording").

So it's a round and sound thing that matches itself very well through every layer I can see.

 

Edit:

I just noticed!

This poem is a very tame celebration of two people who tried to be anything but! Which is kind of like a backwards parody and that's grinworthy.

Anyway, good work.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Doctor Oger

[Emi GS]

Ok guys!!! I am back again with the introduction as usual, "Hello guys I not efficient but immature..... blah blah blah".

 

And I am giving you My revised or re-written or perfected( I don't think so!!!) Tanka for you guys to think and give suggestions according to your knowledge...

 

There the foggy sky

and there hidden the nude sun.

All green settled down,

as It rises up and high.

Winter brings a lot of fun.

 

Finally... Ugghhh!!!...

Edited February 8, 2016 by The Eminent MGK

[Parker Owens]

The "nude sun."  Now there's an arresting image.

[skinnydragon]

The "nude sun."  Now there's an arresting image.

 

Probably only the nude son would be arrested

[Emi GS]

The "nude sun." Now there's an arresting image.

Did you ever seen the Sun wearing any clothes???

 

Probably only the nude son would be arrested

[AC Benus]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet make me realize my message is coming through slightly off. The original is:

 

 

Sonnet No. 7 (for Tony)

 

The rain hits the windshield and upward streaks –

While the miles stream by, you are on my mind,

And the hollow loneliness in me speaks

Of the words of yours that are less than kind.

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a life you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

The little drops are like stars, or like tears,

And form a slow-motion constellation

That glows briefly before it disappears,

Taking with it all hope of salvation.

Say you'll wipe those words away like the rain,

And condemn none of us to lasting pain. 

 

 

The poem may seem to indicate that the addressee is already married; that was never my intention. The intention was to speak of a future the young man may choose, or be forced to choose, concerning a deceived woman and family. So I propose to alter the quatrain to this:

 

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a future you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

 

Do you think that clears up the situational statement...?

 

Thanks for your help and feedback.

Edited February 11, 2016 by AC Benus

[Mikiesboy]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet makes me realize my message is coming through slightly off. The original is:

 

 

Sonnet No. 7 (for Tony)

 

The rain hits the windshield and upward streaks –

While the miles stream by, you are on my mind,

And the hollow loneliness in me speaks

Of the words of yours that are less than kind.

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a life you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

The little drops are like stars, or like tears,

And form a slow-motion constellation

That glows briefly before it disappears,

Taking with it all hope of salvation.

Say you'll wipe those words away like the rain,

And condemn none of us to lasting pain. 

 

 

The poem may seem to indicate that the addressee is already married; that was never my intention. The intention was to speak of a future the young man may choose, or be forced to choose, concerning a deceived woman and family. So I propose to alter the quatrain to this:

 

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a future you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

 

Do you think that clears up the situational statement...?

 

Thanks for your help and feedback.

I guess that, 'of a future'  tells the reader it hasn't happened yet... but that's it a choice or option. 

[Defiance19]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet makes me realize my message is coming through slightly off. The original is:

 

 

Sonnet No. 7 (for Tony)

 

The rain hits the windshield and upward streaks –

While the miles stream by, you are on my mind,

And the hollow loneliness in me speaks

Of the words of yours that are less than kind.

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a life you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

The little drops are like stars, or like tears,

And form a slow-motion constellation

That glows briefly before it disappears,

Taking with it all hope of salvation.

Say you'll wipe those words away like the rain,

And condemn none of us to lasting pain. 

 

 

The poem may seem to indicate that the addressee is already married; that was never my intention. The intention was to speak of a future the young man may choose, or be forced to choose, concerning a deceived woman and family. So I propose to alter the quatrain to this:

 

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a future you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

 

Do you think that clears up the situational statement...?

 

Thanks for your help and feedback.

 

I actually thought the person was denying who he was and still,  in spite of the relationship he was having, planning on future with a wife.. I thought too that #8 was directed to show that the love bond was so strong, no matter what was said and how much he distanced himself it could not be denied (or somethings like that). But I digress..

 

I can see how easy it could be to misread #7 though. Should you care to change it 'Of a future', may make your intent clearer. 

[AC Benus]

I guess that, 'of a future'  tells the reader it hasn't happened yet... but that's it a choice or option. 

Thanks for the feedback, Tim! 

[AC Benus]

I actually thought the person was denying who he was and still,  in spite of the relationship he was having, planning on future with a wife.. I thought too that #8 was directed to show that the love bond was so strong, no matter what was said and how much he distanced himself it could not be denied (or somethings like that). But I digress..

 

I can see how easy it could be to misread #7 though. Should you care to change it 'Of a future', may make your intent clearer. 

Concerning the first statement, I can say you are not wrong. It seems like you got my original intention all along, and thank you for beautifully summarizing how Nos. 7 and 8 fit in context with one another. Eight represents a healing of sorts, a moment of let's set 'that issue' aside for the time being.

 

Thank you for your feedback, Def!  

[Parker Owens]

I would agree your proposed change clears up an ambiguity in the original. When I first read it, I took the mid-reading as what you intended; the second time through,  I realized it could be ambiguous. For my (exceedingly humble) opinion, if ambiguity is to be avoided, then go with the newer version, which does no harm to the tone or sense of the sonnet. 

 

But I love it now matter what you do.

[AC Benus]

I would agree your proposed change clears up an ambiguity in the original. When I first read it, I took the mid-reading as what you intended; the second time through,  I realized it could be ambiguous. For my (exceedingly humble) opinion, if ambiguity is to be avoided, then go with the newer version, which does no harm to the tone or sense of the sonnet. 

 

But I love it now matter what you do.

Thanks, Parker. As maybe Adi will point out later (hehe), the word 'future' does break the pentameter, but I think it's a sacrifice I can live with for clarity's sake

[Emi GS]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet make me realize my message is coming through slightly off. The original is:

 

Sonnet No. 7 (for Tony)

 

The rain hits the windshield and upward streaks –

While the miles stream by, you are on my mind,

And the hollow loneliness in me speaks

Of the words of yours that are less than kind.

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a life you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

The little drops are like stars, or like tears,

And form a slow-motion constellation

That glows briefly before it disappears,

Taking with it all hope of salvation.

 

Say you'll wipe those words away like the rain,

And condemn none of us to lasting pain.

The poem may seem to indicate that the addressee is already married; that was never my intention. The intention was to speak of a future the young man may choose, or be forced to choose, concerning a deceived woman and family. So I propose to alter the quatrain to this:

 

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a future you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

 

Do you think that clears up the situational statement...?

 

Thanks for your help and feedback.

You'll correct yourself when there is something that needed to be change in your writings, that's what I like about you more.

 

And coming to the corrections, they are fine and sets the correct meaning of the poem. And indeed it is a nice poem which will give the thought "You can cheat anybody, but you cannot cheat yourself". And that's what I thought...

 

There the foggy sky

and there hidden the nude sun.

All green settled down,

as It rises up and high.

Winter brings a lot of fun.

 

If there are no corrections or suggestions, is that mean 'I can publish this guys???'