"Invisible" by DarkShadow

[AFriendlyFace]

Invisible by DarkShadow

 

 

DarkShadow's Fall Anthology story

 

 

 

***Possible Spoilers***

 

 

Wow! I loved the ending to this one so much! No one read on unless you've already read the ending!

 

 

 

 

It totally didn't occur to me when in the first paragraph Steve saw the article about the hate crime blow by that this hate crime could be about him!

 

I felt so sorry for him and Daniel, especially Daniel. They had such a sad life. This story left me with many questions about just what did happen. For example:

 

Are they forced to relive the same day over and over again every Halloween? In other words were all those things they did that day EXACTLY what they'd done on the day of their death?

 

OR

 

Is it significant that no one saw them the entire day (except the killer at the end)? I mean since they said there were several "Peterson boys", the one they witnessed in the bathroom could have been a much younger one who now a senior. Also even though his dad said "Hey..." as he was leaving the house that afternoon, there's no guarantee that was directed at Steve. He may have been about to say something to Steve's mother in the kitchen.

 

So what do you guys think? Or are both possibilities somehow tied together? Maybe that's essentially the same day they had before, but they couldn't interact with anyone because that might have made it different.

 

Anyway, awesome job, DarkShadow! I really enjoyed this story and I loved the surprise ending!

 

Kevin

Edited October 29, 2006 by Kitty

[C James]

This is extremely thought-provoking! Wow!! Very powerful stuff, DarkShadow!

 

Great character development, and I loved the hints that I missed, only to find that they had been there all along. Very well done!!!

 

Are they forced to relive the same day over and over again every Halloween? In other words were all those things they did that day EXACTLY what they'd done on the day of their death?

 

OR

 

Is it significant that no one saw them the entire day (except the killer at the end)? I mean since they said there were several "Peterson boys", the one they witnessed in the bathroom could have been a much younger one who now a senior. Also even though his dad said "Hey..." as he was leaving the house that afternoon, there's no guarantee that was directed at Steve. He may have been about to say something to Steve's mother in the kitchen.

 

I was wondering that too! My guess is that they can't interact, but aren't fully aware of it, or even of their situation until the "death". I think it's a different day, but it is showing us that this sort of thing keeps happening over and over, which sadly it does.

 

Awesome story!!

[DarkShadow]

Invisible by DarkShadow

DarkShadow's Fall Anthology story

***Possible Spoilers***

Wow! I loved the ending to this one so much! No one read on unless you've already read the ending!

It totally didn't occur to me when in the first paragraph Steve saw the article about the hate crime blow by that this hate crime could be about him!

 

I felt so sorry for him and Daniel, especially Daniel. They had such a sad life. This story left me with many questions about just what did happen. For example:

 

Are they forced to relive the same day over and over again every Halloween? In other words were all those things they did that day EXACTLY what they'd done on the day of their death?

 

OR

 

Is it significant that no one saw them the entire day (except the killer at the end)? I mean since they said there were several "Peterson boys", the one they witnessed in the bathroom could have been a much younger one who now a senior. Also even though his dad said "Hey..." as he was leaving the house that afternoon, there's no guarantee that was directed at Steve. He may have been about to say something to Steve's mother in the kitchen.

 

So what do you guys think? Or are both possibilities somehow tied together? Maybe that's essentially the same day they had before, but they couldn't interact with anyone because that might have made it different.

 

Anyway, awesome job, DarkShadow! I really enjoyed this story and I loved the surprise ending!

 

Kevin

 

 

The idea was a spin on 'I see dead people', except no one sees them. They've made it such a habit to stay out of view, they don't really notice they really are invisible. They died five years ago October 31, 2001 during the last full moon that fell on Halloween, the next one not due until 2020. They don't realize their dead until they relive the murder each year and wake at the last strokes of midnight knowing that again the following year they will relive it again totally oblivious.

 

Seeing the Peterson boy in the small gym bathroom/locker room was indeed a younger brother, but not seeing his face and trying to stay hidden they don't realize which it is. Their avoidance of everyone and everything around them but each other helps to perpetuate the possibility of it happening over and over throughout the years. There could just as easily have been no one in the bathroom to interrupt them as they still decide to say the hell with it and skip the rest of the day of school.

 

I cheated a lot with the little hints that don't grab you until the murder at the end. I had a lot of fun writing this and Kitty placed a GREAT picture for it. Reading through the anythologies, I can now see how much work she's really put into this.

 

So to Kevin, Kitty, Cjames, thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it.

[Matthew]

Grim, but what great halloween story isn't? And this one certainly is. Great, that is.

[Graeme]

While it's supposed to be a dark story, I didn't find it that dark. Sad, yes, but not depressing. In some ways, I think it was that the boys WANTED to be killed and they were getting their wish that took the edge off it.

 

I hadn't realised until I got to the ending that NO-ONE had seen them that day. It's one of those stories that you can keep going back to and finding little things in it that you didn't notice earlier.

 

Well done!

[Jack Scribe]

While it's supposed to be a dark story, I didn't find it that dark. Sad, yes, but not depressing. In some ways, I think it was that the boys WANTED to be killed and they were getting their wish that took the edge off it.

 

Well done!

I concur with a well done! And I did find it dark, "DarkShadow'. It was sad, but I found the actions of the parents (gawd, what a joke) depressing.

 

I agree that the boys probably wanted some sort of exit of that miserable life form. There was a point when I really thought Daniel's loving folks would kill one or the other. In fact, when the newspaper was flying by, I wondered if it was announcing the parents death.

 

Dark but very enjoyable.

 

Jack

[DarkShadow]

Grim, but what great halloween story isn't? And this one certainly is. Great, that is.

 

Thank you for saying so. I don't know how many edits I ran through before realizing I needed to sit down... shut up, and get to work.

 

I don't know how many versions of it I sent Kitty as I worked with it. A point emerged that I finally decided to leave her be. She was gracious and silent as I sent here mail after mail of a new revision along with my apologies for her trouble.

 

She never seemed to bat an eye. There are few people that can tolerate my insanity for so long without losing their own.

 

As soon as I came across those pictures in my files, something clicked and I knew I had the basis for the layout of Shannon's story.

 

It's that extra something you and others add that compells me want to stay. Thank you for that.

 

I hadn't realised until I got to the ending that NO-ONE had seen them that day. It's one of those stories that you can keep going back to and finding little things in it that you didn't notice earlier.

 

Well done!

 

THank you for that. Your opinions mean much to me and I appreciate them. I didn't want it to be too obvious, and I hope it wasn't. I had a lot of fun with this story. It leapt from my fingers in a few hours and just kind of grew into what you see. I can only hope a muse less brutal than described in the anthologies will visit me again.

 

Dark but very enjoyable.

 

Jack

 

I'm really glad you liked it. The word 'parent' is laughable, but what I did ,in reality, grow up with. It's how I can paint them so easily. It's from memory. Time has a way of changing things and people.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate them.

[AFriendlyFace]

The idea was a spin on 'I see dead people', except no one sees them. They've made it such a habit to stay out of view, they don't really notice they really are invisible. They died five years ago October 31, 2001 during the last full moon that fell on Halloween, the next one not due until 2020. They don't realize their dead until they relive the murder each year and wake at the last strokes of midnight knowing that again the following year they will relive it again totally oblivious.

 

Seeing the Peterson boy in the small gym bathroom/locker room was indeed a younger brother, but not seeing his face and trying to stay hidden they don't realize which it is. Their avoidance of everyone and everything around them but each other helps to perpetuate the possibility of it happening over and over throughout the years. There could just as easily have been no one in the bathroom to interrupt them as they still decide to say the hell with it and skip the rest of the day of school.

OHHHH

 

Thanks for the explanation! It really was GREAT!

 

While it's supposed to be a dark story, I didn't find it that dark. Sad, yes, but not depressing. In some ways, I think it was that the boys WANTED to be killed and they were getting their wish that took the edge off it.

I guess you're right, Graeme, but at the same time it's depressing that they felt like that in the first place

 

I can only hope a muse less brutal than described in the anthologies will visit me again.

I sure hope so!!

 

 

The word 'parent' is laughable, but what I did ,in reality, grow up with. It's how I can paint them so easily. It's from memory. Time has a way of changing things and people.

Ohhh

 

I'm so sorry, Shannon

 

Once again, great job!

 

Kevin

[C James]

I didn't want it to be too obvious, and I hope it wasn't. I had a lot of fun with this story. It leapt from my fingers in a few hours and just kind of grew into what you see.

 

I really enjoyed, it, and I think it was only well after reading it than I realized that no one had seen them.

 

I can only hope a muse less brutal than described in the anthologies will visit me again.

 

Surely you can't mean the sweet and lovable Muse in my story?

 

The word 'parent' is laughable, but what I did ,in reality, grow up with. It's how I can paint them so easily. It's from memory. Time has a way of changing things and people.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that!

[DarkShadow]

I really enjoyed, it, and I think it was only well after reading it than I realized that no one had seen them.

Surely you can't mean the sweet and lovable Muse in my story?

I'm so sorry to hear that!

 

 

Thank you Cjames and Kevin. No worries on the past parents thing... It's the past, and they're different people now.

 

Now... hmmm something about a blizzard.

 

Two gay men (Therman and Louis) take a Dairy Queen Hostage and give a Free Oreo Blizzards holding customers at gunpoint until they die from fatal brain freeze?

 

Nahh... heheh I'll have to think of something else... that's been done to death...

 

Take care!

[DarkShadow]

I double-dare you to write that one.

Kitty

 

LOL you know... seeing the words 'Double Dare' made the entire story flesh out in my mind. You are too twisted for color tv.

 

Gotta love ya!

 

hmmm... Careful what you wish for!

[Luc]

I really enjoyed reading this. Even though the hints were all there, I didn't quite expect the ending. I love when that happens. Steve and Daniel are really well written. I could see them and feel them as I was reading. They felt so real. Unfortunately, so did their situation.

 

I think "Invisible" is a perfect title for this. I suck at titles and am always impressed when someone nails the title so well

[DarkShadow]

I really enjoyed reading this. Even though the hints were all there, I didn't quite expect the ending. I love when that happens. Steve and Daniel are really well written. I could see them and feel them as I was reading. They felt so real. Unfortunately, so did their situation.

 

I think "Invisible" is a perfect title for this. I suck at titles and am always impressed when someone nails the title so well

 

Thanks a lot Luc. Hearing the half blind kitty say this in my head (as I read the words) means a lot to me. I got a lot of help with it... more than probably should have been allowed, being I didn't know the rules at the time. The miriad of 'drafted' editors helped so much. Cjames, Sterling, Piersall, and more than I'm wanting to admit guided me though writing this.

 

I really wanted to write something special for this anthology. To get my words out there and I'm sure I aggravated the living shit out of too many people.

 

I enjoyed writing it as much as I have enjoyed re-reading it. (vain, yes I know) I have to say... this is probably the first time I've ever felt 'proud' of something even if it could most surely use some work. I've got lots to learn.

 

So thank you!

[Graeme]

Thanks a lot Luc. Hearing the half blind kitty say this in my head (as I read the words) means a lot to me. I got a lot of help with it... more than probably should have been allowed, being I didn't know the rules at the time. The miriad of 'drafted' editors helped so much. Cjames, Sterling, Piersall, and more than I'm wanting to admit guided me though writing this.

 

I really wanted to write something special for this anthology. To get my words out there and I'm sure I aggravated the living shit out of too many people.

 

I enjoyed writing it as much as I have enjoyed re-reading it. (vain, yes I know) I have to say... this is probably the first time I've ever felt 'proud' of something even if it could most surely use some work. I've got lots to learn.

 

So thank you!

To the best of my knowledge, there are no rules. There's nothing wrong with getting feedback on early drafts from multiple people -- I do it all the time. I believe (from references they've both made) that my favourite two editors pass their work to each other to review before they give it back to me!

 

As for thinking it could use some more work... please read C Jame's "The Muse" and then go through the discussion thread and the comments about an artist being too much of a perfectionist.

 

Learn your lessons, but apply them to your next work, rather than going back to continuing to refine what you've got.

 

You SHOULD be proud.

 

Graeme

[Razor]

I thought it was pretty darn awesome.

 

There are parts of the story where I thought the tale moved too fast without giving people, places, or situations enough description, but that's about my only criticism.

 

I actually really enjoy the way I'm left with so many questions, but maybe that's because I really love stories like that. It kinda reminded me of ole Poppy Z's short stories, just not quite as... I don't know... bold. Tis just that it seemed to have the same way of leaving the reader's mind going "wtf...?" It does have a very nice feel to it, though I wish I'd have felt more for the character, but I'm chalking that up to me wanting more description like I said.

 

With that said, I really liked it. Out of 10, it gets 8.5

Great job, Shannon. Hehe, I'm thinking about re-reading it...

[DarkShadow]

To the best of my knowledge, there are no rules. There's nothing wrong with getting feedback on early drafts from multiple people -- I do it all the time. I believe (from references they've both made) that my favourite two editors pass their work to each other to review before they give it back to me!

 

As for thinking it could use some more work... please read C Jame's "The Muse" and then go through the discussion thread and the comments about an artist being too much of a perfectionist.

 

Learn your lessons, but apply them to your next work, rather than going back to continuing to refine what you've got.

 

You SHOULD be proud.

 

Graeme

 

LOL I did read 'The Muse'. In fact I read every fall anthology submission in a single sitting save for the time it took me to get to work and then finally back home. It was a great day of great stories and I loved every second of it.

 

I left my awestruck wonder at such a great story, and can completely relate with 'yep.... need to review that' attitude in my reply with the goat. (least I hope I conveyed that.... heh I might just pop by again to remind him how great I think it is)

 

I don't believe in perfection in life or writing. I do believe there are limits to what I can do and strive to surpass that. Doing that takes work. (and many days... well... I'm lazy) I'm working on it.

 

I suppose loving the work makes it easier. Makes it more fun. Had I known I would enjoy writing the story would some day interest me as much as reading them, I would have started years ago. I suppose I'm just glad I finally found out.

[Dezlboi]

Tragic beauty, man. Nothing else to say.

 

-Dez

[knotme]

I really enjoyed this story, but obviously I didn't pay attention, including to the (perfect) title. So I really expected something to happen in the cemetery, but then I was surprised at the end.

 

I also enjoyed the comments so far. DarkShadow suggests that perhaps, if Daniel and Steve were not so invisible, they might not have to relive this day every year. I didn't see it that way, but otherwise, I reached most of the author's intentions.

 

I never saw "The Sixth Sense", so this story reminds me of a couple of old Twilight Zone classics where people are caught in a loop forcing them to die over and over, and they never see it coming.

 

I see a morale in this story: find a way to hang in there, or "be careful what you wish for." When Daniel and Steve wished for death, they probably didn't anticipate reliving a day in their wretched lives each year, with nothing in between. Maybe they'll get a break in 2020, at the next full-moon Halloween.

 

By the way, New Windsor and Alpha Illinois are real towns (yeah, just a coincidence ), and in truth my short intro via the Internet doesn't make them seem that great.

Luckily I had become an expert at writing doctors

Edited November 2, 2006 by knotme

[DarkShadow]

I really enjoyed this story, but obviously I didn't pay attention, including to the (perfect) title. So I really expected something to happen in the cemetery, but then I was surprised at the end.

 

I also enjoyed the comments so far. DarkShadow suggests that perhaps, if Daniel and Steve were not so invisible, they might not have to relive this day every year. I didn't see it that way, but otherwise, I reached most of the author's intentions.

 

I never saw "The Sixth Sense", so this story reminds me of a couple of old Twilight Zone classics where people are caught in a loop forcing them to die over and over, and they never see it coming.

 

I see a morale in this story: find a way to hang in there, or "be careful what you wish for." When Daniel and Steve wished for death, they probably didn't anticipate reliving a day in their wretched lives each year, with nothing in between. Maybe they'll get a break in 2020, at the next full-moon Halloween.

 

By the way, New Windsor and Alpha Illinois are real towns (yeah, just a coincidence ), and in truth my short intro via the Internet doesn't make them seem that great.

 

I wonder if Daniel got his wish for his four-line poem as an epitaph. Probably not, with his parents calling the shots. Death sucks.

 

knotme

 

PS. Authors of fiction are definitely allowed to cheat.

 

 

Thanks a lot Knotme. I'm glad I kept you guessing until the end. That's half the fun.

 

Yes, Alpha and New Windsor are real towns in Illinois, they also 'coincidentally' happen to have both been previous addresses of mine.

 

I have a tendancy in stories to take memories throw them in the blender and then spill them out into new patterns for my stories. For this one, it just seemed to fit. Usually it's just my characters that hit the blender.

 

Take care!

[knotme]

Hey, I just reread this paragraph:

I wandered my way down the cold sidewalk, only lifting my eyes when crossing the street, for the five blocks it took to get to Daniel

[DarkShadow]

Hey, I just reread this paragraph:The paragraph seems to show that at least one person noticed Steve or Daniel. Does this shoot down the idea that they repeat every year only because they are completely unnoticed?

 

No, it was just one of the local assholes in town yelling out, being a dick. The parents still live there. Highschool kids and young adults (where I come from) were forever yelling something out the window when they passed a particular residence or place. Heheh it was juts a random misleading coincidence I threw in for confusion sake