|
General
Jokes
Two
guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin
woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound
while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells,
"I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes
crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was
breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those
two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we
take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet
any more!"
-------
A
couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest
fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true
to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"Well, what is it like?"
Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in
the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have
sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice
more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and
into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start
all over again the next day."
So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
-------
An old man was laying on his death
bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent
of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out
from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the
stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking
chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the
old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of
his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for
the funeral!"
|
|
How to
Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too,
a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb
is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old
hat; seek viable alternatives.
|
|
Literary Jokes
A
visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall
that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,"
he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua
Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive
can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended
into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their
desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly
whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of
writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked,
they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as
bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here,
your work gets published."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A screenwriter comes home to a
burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing
outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she
weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because
I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went
up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the
house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
How many science fiction writers
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time
and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other
one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time
paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all
was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe,
though.
How many publishers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many mystery writers does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give
it a surprising twist at the end.
How many screenwriters does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
Why does it *have* to be changed?
How many cover blurb writers does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
How many screenwriters does it
take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls
to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.
|
|
GAzette Sudoku
Don't know how to play Sudoku? http://www.sudokudaily.net/instructions/ |
|
|
A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, Wash. This was
probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that
he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices:
1) The target was
H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2) The shop was full
of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of
the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places.
3) To enter the shop,
he had to step around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door.
4) An officer in uniform
was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting
to duty.
Upon seeing the officer,
the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild
shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew
their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
"People injured
or killed in the Michigan firearms deer season include a
Bay City man shot in the leg while trying to photograph
his dog holding a rifle, which accidentally went off."
-28 November 2000 Michigan
Live
|
|
