I know I asked Tom to leave me alone but sitting here looking at the screen of my laptop makes me regret my words. It’s already been a few days and all my anger is gone. I’m tired now, tired and lonely. Tom has been here every visiting hour and sat at my side quietly. No words have been spoken since my last harsh ones. And also my computer has been quiet. No messages that pop up, no banter during the times I’m not allowed visitors, nothing. It’s a very lonely feeling. I click on the chat program and see Tom’s name. I sigh deep and then click on it.
Adam [hospital] I’m sorry
Adam [hospital] I shouldn’t have reacted like that
I click the screen away, scared of the reply. I’ve been nothing but moody for the past few weeks. I’m not sure why I do it, but I feel ashamed every time. I put away the laptop, staring out the window, my mind not full of thoughts, but more empty of anything.
I’ve almost fallen asleep when a beep pulls my attention. Anxiously I click on the pop-up.
Tom [home] It’s okay
Tears spring in my eyes. It’s not, I know it’s not.
Tom [home] The doctors predicted this might happen
Tom [home] They warned me
Adam [hospital] It’s not okay!
Adam [hospital] I’m not some child who can have a fit when they don’t get what they want
Adam [hospital] I’m grown up
Tom [home] You’re on medication, lots of it
Tom [home] It is expected that you’re not stable
Tom [home] And
I can see Tom is typing something but nothing shows up on the screen.
Adam [hospital] ??
Tom [home] And I would have been angry too
Tom [home] If something like this happened I would have been angry too
Tom [home] I took away a choice you had no idea of I was going to make
Tom [home] It’s not right
Adam [hospital] Then why did you do it?
Tom [home] because you were almost gone
Tom [home] I got the choice even before I knew what had happened with Jack
Tom [home] I had no idea what Vic and the others were going through at that same moment
Tom [home] I couldn’t get in touch with any of them
Tom [home] but I had to make that decision
Tom [home] the decision of your anger or maybe never having you at my side ever again
Tom [home] I could not risk it
I stare at the screen, anger and love fighting for domination in my heart. I know I would have probably done the same but it still doesn’t lessen the sting.
Tom [home] Love?
Adam [hospital] yes?
Tom [home] I need to go to my placement, see you in a few hours
Tom [home] I love you
Adam [hospital] I love you too
Adam [hospital] Stay safe
Tom [placement] I will
I close the laptop and put it at my side. Tears threatening to spill again. I really need to talk with my doctors about my medication, I’m getting annoyed by myself. A lot of stuff these past weeks could have gone so much better if I had stayed reasonable. But no, I had to freak out every time.
I pull a picture from my bedside table. It was taken the first time Jack was over. Just the four of us, all smiling.
No more Jack. It feels strange and empty even though we didn’t know each other that well. He seemed such a great and stable guy. A perfect match to pull Vic back to earth.
Yes, I understand why Tom did what he did, if only because I’ve been in the same situation with Vic before, and he wasn’t even my boyfriend anymore at that point. But understanding doesn’t make it any better, if anything, it adds to the pain, I know the pain I’ve put Tom through and it’s not pretty.
Being that close to losing someone is never pretty. But why then do I not feel any urge to change my ways?
Maybe death has stopped scaring me. Even that thought no longer makes me feel anything.
“What do you want to do?”
I look at Tom over my hot bowl of soup. “What do you mean?”
Tom leans back in his chair, his eyes careful. “They’re not letting you go any time soon. What do you want me to take with me for you to do? I can take some uni work or books or something else.”
“Some uni work would be nice. I know I’m way behind but for now I think I can maybe catch up a little bit.”
“That would be a good idea yeah.” Tom smiles. “And you can ask the nurses here if you don’t get something.” He winks.
Tom knows I hate the girls that sometimes flutter into the room, trying to talk to me, just because I’m the only young guy in this department. Ugh.
“Just bring me some of where we were and a few of your notes. I can see if I can set something up with some of the teachers. It would be a nice distraction.” I put the soup aside, bored of waiting for it to cool down.
“Have you talked to Jo recently?” Tom smiles, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“No, not in a while. Why? What do you know?” I sit up straight, curious.
“He told me Anne and Steve have gone off to France together.”
“You serious? Together? I never thought she would have the balls to pull that off.” It was nice that she now had someone to rely on, even if it was not in the way she would want it.
“I told her to get away from everything for a while, to create a bit of personal time.”
“Steve’s boyfriend dumped him and Steve of course came to Anne with it. That was when she finally snapped and decided that she needed time off.”
“About time too. She has been too much involved with everything for her own good. She should have let go earlier.” I stare out the window for a while, both of us quiet. “I would like that too.”
“Go on a holiday and get away from everything for a while.”
Tom softly grabs my hand. “Maybe we can when you get out of here.”
When I get out of here, yeah right, like that ever would happen the way everything is going now. Not likely.