- Ok, you know what? Some people have completely LOST their fucking minds!!!
Do you know what Bobby Jinette did to me today? He's INSANE!
Listen, I've been good about keeping my word to him about Ian. I was keeping a safe distance, just like I said I would. I wasn't going to be rude to him or anything. I mean, he's a cool guy! If Ian talks to me or sends me an email or whatever...then YEAH! I'm going to answer him. Unlike Bobby, I'm not going to be hurtful and stupid about the whole thing and just IGNORE him when he's talking to me. But it's not like I intentionally went after him or anything.
I could have if I wanted to. But I didn't.
So anyway, I see Ian at school today, and as usual we strike up a conversation. Ian's FUN to talk to! We can joke around and just share a few giggles without there being any pressure involved with the whole thing. Bobby just gets all choked up and terrified and doesn't listen or respond to a single word coming out of Ian's mouth. I KNOW because he told me so. Even after trying to light a fire under Bobby's ass, he STILL hasn't mentioned Ian's movie idea for this Summer. How is mad at ME for being his substitute in a position that he's too scared to go for? He's just plain being a pest now! I already told him that I was done having this conversation. Either he breaks out of this psychotic fear and shyness bullshit, or he steps aside and lets somebody else have him.
Ian was on his way to lunch, and he's like, "Dude, ok...so I have some new ideas for the storyline. I want to change some things around, and maybe add a whole new character. Oh man, it would be perfect!" He was rumbling around in his backpack for his notebook, and he was all excited to talk about it. It was cute. He gets his notebook to show me the pages, and he's like, "Billy, I could write you a much bigger part in the movie. Since you're the only one on board for the whole project so far. But now that it looks like this might actually happen this Summer, I asked a few other people if they wanted to jump in too. So we'll see."
Now, at this point, I actually ASKED him, "What about Bobby? I'm sure he'd love to do it." I actually said that to him.
Ian's faced wrinkled up a bit. Almost as if to ask why I would ask him such a silly question. So Ian shrugs his shoulders like, "Oh...well, I wouldn't know. I haven't talked to Bobby in a while."
I'm like, "Have you just...been busy, or...?"
He says, "No. Not really. I mean...he's not interested in this stuff." Ian's voice actually changed whenever he talked about Bobby lately. It sounded so lonely. I can remember the two of them grinning from ear to ear whenever they met up outside of the gym locker room. Now Ian looks like he just tries not to think about him as much anymore. Ian's like, "Bobby's into his own stuff. But it's no big deal. At least I've got my 'lead actor' to talk to now." He smiled at me, and asked to make sure that he wasn't bothering me with his ramblings. I told him I was totally interested in what his new ideas were, and invited him to come have lunch with me so we could talk it over.
It's not like I asked him to make out with me under the bleachers or anything. Ian and I were sitting at the cafeteria table, talking and kinda joking around over his notes. I thought he had a lot of really good ideas, and it was fun to see how excited and animated he became when he was talking about his passion. Then...I don't even see him approaching us from the side at first...but I suddenly catch sight of Bobby Jinette storming his way over to our lunch table. I'm not thinking that anything is wrong, so I look up to say hello, right?
Well, before I can even open my mouth, Bobby fucking grabs my lunch tray and angrily FLIPS it the fuck over on the table! I mean, I am drenched in food and spilled milk, and so is Ian! I'm like, "What the hell is your PROBLEM???"
And Bobby shouts, "You know what? Fuck you BOTH!!! I don't need either one of you!" And he actually fucking pushes me before stomping out of the cafeteria and slamming the door open hard enough to almost shatter the glass. That boy has become a TOTAL freakshow! And everybody was looking at me and Ian as we used our napkins to clean ourselves up and the mess made on the table. I should have jumped on Bobby right then and there and beat the living SHIT out of him for just 'attacking' us like that. What did I do to deserve that? Honestly.
To think...I was actually looking out for that son of a bitch. He's got some serious rage issues going on. Maybe next time, he can actually ask what's going on before jumping to conclusions and throwing a tantrum like a fucking two year old.
Anyway, I didn't have any way to explain that outburst to Ian, but luckily, he didn't ask me to. He probably figures it's because they weren't talking that much anymore or something. Well, THAT certainly wasn't going to win him any points. He's just about done being pushed around by Bobby's neglect. Ian's only giving Bobby what he gets from Bobby. So what is there to be mad about?
You wanna know who else has lost his mind? Trace. Completely insane.
I saw him coming out of his guidance counselor's office with a pink slip, which is never a good thing. He rolled his eyes and tried to walk past me, but this time I actually took a hold of his arm and asked him what was going on. This was shortly after the whole 'Bobby' thing, so...seeing as I had the remnants of wet mashed potatoes drying on the front of my shirt, I was still pretty steamed by the whole thing.
Well, Trace pulls away from me. And he's like, "Why do you care?" Is he KIDDING me???
I spend the next two or three minutes badgering him to talk to me, and finally ask him, "Do you want me to get lost? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Because if you just don't ever want to talk to me ever again, I need to know. Like...right now."
And there it was. I mean, why are we playing this game anyway? I can't read his mind. So if he's not going to tell me what's wrong, then he needs to tell me to back off once and for all.
Trace looked down a his shoes for a moment, but he didn't answer. Then, he's like, "I didn't say that. Billy...you just don't understand, ok? I'm not gonna be around much longer, so let's just drop it, alright?"
That struck me as odd. I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
Trace said, "We had some laughs, and it was great. But I don't want to have any loose ends left dangling...trying to keep me from doing what I have to do."
Still baffled, I'm like, "Dude....what are you saying? What do you mean, you're not gonna be here for much longer'?"
Trace looks around, and then he yanks my shirt and pulls me over to a quiet corner to talk. He said, "Listen to me...you can't tell ANYBODY about this! You understand?" I began to get a bit nervous, but I agreed. Trace said, "I'm outta here, man. Splitsville. I'm leaving this weekend."
I don't know why, but it felt like my heart broke right there in the hallway. I said, "Why? Where are you going?" He said that he didn't know yet...which only worked to confuse me even more. I'm like, "What the hell happened?"
Trace actually looked worried. I don't think I had ever seen him so desperate. He's like, "My mom and dad...they've been having it out lately. The fights were getting worse and worse. And....my mom got a lawyer. She's trying to Mikey away."
I asked him, "Can she do that?"
He was like, "Unfortunately, even though my mom is a total psycho, 'crazy' is a lot easier to hide than alcoholism. My dad has a bit of a record with that kind of stuff. I'm worried she's going to kidnap him from school or something. I've seen her car drive by his school a few times when she didn't expect me to be there looking out for him. I'm not going to let her have custody of Mikey just because she's mad at my dad. I'm not gonna let her treat him like a dog the way she did me when I was growing up."
I was like, "What about you? Isn't she taking you too?"
Trace's face fell a bit more. And he sadly told me, "She doesn't want me. Just Mikey. She said...I'm just like him. We deserve each other." Trace began to get a bit emotional, but he shook it off quickly and said, "Look, none of that matters. I've already gotten some cash together. I'm gonna grab Mikey and his stuff, and we're leaving. I raised that boy more than either ONE of them. More than both of them put together. I have more right to him than anybody. I'm not gonna stay attached to anything that I leave behind. And...you've been awesome, Billy...but that means you too. Sorry." Then he's like, "I've gotta go. I can't get suspended right now. I have to stay off of the radar until I can get out of town."
I tried to stop him, but he wormed right past me and didn't look back. Trace is running away from HOME??? I'm not going to let him sleep on the street with a little boy for them to get murdered or something and show up on the news a week from now. But what do I do? Tell his dad? Will he care? Will he be sober enough to stop him? I obviously can't go to his mom. And going to the police is probably just the kind of thing she could use to steal Mikey away if she wanted to.
I didn't know what I was going to do about him, but I know one thing...letting him run away from home this weekend was NOT going to happen. It just wasn't. I know how much he loves his little brother. I don't doubt for one second that he would do something this drastic to protect him. I've just got to find out exactly what it is that I plan to put in his way to stop him.
Life was beginning to feel good again. But as always, the second I open up to it...the pain and worry and anger come rushing back in full force. I felt like I just...I needed to feel good again. Just like I did yesterday. Getting a chance to talk to Stevie just...warmed me up inside. Thinking about Brandon seemed to heal the scars faster than anything else going on in my life at the moment. I needed that tonight. I needed to feel something that wasn't destined to hurt me in the end.
So I wrote Brandon a really long email tonight. I wish I could put down what I sent him, but I hardly remember half of it. I'm too scared to go into my 'Send' folder to look it up. It wasn't some sappy love letter or anything...but I definitely told him that I missed him. And that this wasn't me just trying to jump into his life just because he and Stevie broke up. I told him that I think about him all the time, and...even though I thought twice about even bringing it up again...I told him about how sorry I was with what happened between me and Bobby while he and I were dating. I told him that he makes me happy when I'm feeling down. And I told him that...if ever he wanted to just go somewhere and talk, just get everything out in the open and maybe start over from scratch, even if it's only as friends...that I would definitely be down for that.
Maybe it was a bunch of weirdness, and I'm sure that Brandon looked at that email and thought, "What the fuck is Billy talking about NOW?" But...I just felt like I needed him tonight. Out of all the hurtful risks there are out there in my life...he's the one I trust the most.
I just hope he can make a little time for me soon. I need a reason to keep going. He can be that reason.
Please, Brandon. Be my reason.