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    Duncan Ryder
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

How The Light Gets In - 20. Chapter 20

This is really the second half of Chapter 19... sorry... along with formatting problems, I seem to have only uploaded half the chapter!

Chapter 20

Joe was speaking again. Matt did his best to listen. The words seemed to wash over him in waves of pain.

“He broke my heart,” Joe said. “He broke all our hearts. He was so young and so full of dreams, and we lost him.” “That’s why I’m here tonight, sharing this with you. I don’t want to lose any of you. If you feel alone, if you feel scared, I want you to know that you are not alone. You have family here. Look around you. Don’t let us lose you as we lost Jonathan.”

Matt listened. He felt Luc beside him, felt him reach an arm around his shoulder. Then Luc was turning him in his arms, pulling him close.

Matt stiffened.

This isn’t right, he thought. I should be stronger than this. I’m supposed to be comforting him. He’s the one who tried to travel that path, the one who had pulled back, in the nick of time. Unlike Jonathan, who had died alone.

But despite Matt’s resistance, Luc held on tight. And as he felt Luc’s hands on his back, his shoulders, pulling him into his arms, Matt realized he was sobbing uncontrollably.

So many secrets, he thought.

He’d come to St G’s the semester after Jonathan had died, plunged himself head first into the Rainbow community, and had never even heard a word about the suicide of a gay boy.

So many secrets.

He felt the weight of them now. It was beyond bearing.

Luc was there, and somehow the fragile Quebecois boy’s arms seemed strong and welcoming. He allowed himself to lean heavily into them, allowed Luc this small victory.

“It’s ok,” Luc said softly against his ear. “We’re all ok.”

***

After the vigil, Luc and Matt did not go back to Rainbow with the others. They went home.

The ten-minute drive from the university to the condo was strangely lovely, all clear sky and stars and the ocean reflecting back the moon. Matt, however, was quiet and withdrawn. Luc wanted desperately to talk to him, but he didn’t know how to start. He didn’t want to talk about Joe or about Jonathan. All that could be said about that sorrow had been said, and more eloquently than Luc himself could say it. He didn’t want to talk about his own reactions either. He had a lot to think about there. He wasn’t ready.

What he did want was to understand what was going on with Matt – and what was going on inside himself. He wanted to understand how he’d felt, standing there, holding Matt in the middle of a crowd. Matt had seemed so...broken. They had to be getting close to the pain Luc had sensed in him from the beginning.

But when Joe had finished speaking, Matt had pulled away from him, and now he was pale and silent in a way that Luc had not seen before. He didn’t know where Matt had gone, what he was feeling. He didn’t know how to ask. In the end, Luc said nothing at all.

The ride home was silent under the stars, and when they got home, he watched helplessly as Matt, after a quiet “good night,” went to his room, pulling the door almost closed.

Luc moved about restlessly. He made himself a coffee, ran his fingers over the piano keys, did his hand exercises until he wept with the pain of it. Matt must have heard – but for once, he did not come.

And it didn’t help. Nothing Luc did was enough to block out the way he had felt holding Matt.

It was late when he went to bed, and still he lay awake for a long, long time. From the beginning, Luc had convinced himself that there was nothing sexual in his attraction to Matt. He believed that all he felt for Matt was friendship, and that all he sought from him was comfort. And all those nights that Matt had come to him, held him while he fell asleep – even the kisses they had exchanged – they were not about attraction. They were about comfort.

And now, he knew, Matt was lying alone, and as much in need of comfort as Luc himself had ever been. And Luc wanted to offer him that comfort. But why was it so hard? And why, as he lay there staring at the ceiling, did he ache so much? Why did he – want?

He knew he could make Matt come to him. All he had to do was move, call out, make some sound of pain, and Matt would be there, as he was always there, offering tablets and the calm warmth of his body to soothe Luc back to sleep.

He didn’t want to sleep.

Luc didn’t want to be soothed or comforted.

But Matt did – whether or not he was willing to admit it.

Finally, Luc pushed back the covers and eased himself out of bed. It was just after three, and his hand was hurting. It was, he realized, only pain, and he could take something for that. He made his way slowly to the kitchen, where he took two tablets.

He didn’t go back to his own room. He stopped instead at Matt’s door, and slowly pushed it open. He stood in the doorway and allowed himself to look. Really look. He could see, in the dim light from clocks and power bars and sleeping computer, that Matt was asleep on his back, one arm flung upward. The blankets were half way across his chest, leaving his shoulders bare.

For a moment, Luc stood perfectly still. Then he took a deep breath and stepped into the room. His hand grazed a chair, which made a soft bump as it hit the desk.

Matt sat up swiftly and suddenly, and reached for the small light beside his bed. The blankets had fallen to his waist, and for the first time, Luc saw him. Really saw him. His hair was tousled, his eyes worried, and his skin smooth and clear and golden.

He was beautiful.

“Luc?”

“Yes.” He took another step towards the bed.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes.”

Another step.

Then another, and another.

And then there he was.

“Luc?” Matt’s voice was soft now, and oddly uncertain.

Luc sat down, turned, pulled his legs up, slipped them under the blankets. For a second, he allowed himself to gaze at Matt’s naked chest. Then he bowed his head and kissed Matt’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Matt asked, his voice trembling.

Luc opened his arms. “I don’t want you to be alone,” he whispered.

Still, Matt did not move.

Luc reached over him, and turned out the light. Then he settled himself down in the bed.

“Come here,” he said, reaching his fingers out to graze Matt’s bare arm. “Come close to me.”

“Why?” Matt asked, in a broken voice.

“Because you need me here,” said Luc, tugging gently. “As much as I need to be here. Because when I touch you, I feel alive.”

“Luc, I can’t--.”

Oui, tu peux,” said Luc. “Tu dois.

And slowly, slowly, Matt yielded, until he settled down into the bed, down beside this wounded French boy who seemed so suddenly strong. Slowly he allowed himself to rest his head in the middle of Luc’s chest, and slowly reach an arm around Luc’s narrow hips. He felt Luc’s arms wrap around him, and he too felt alive.

***

Scott, too, had been quiet and withdrawn, both at Rainbow after the vigil and for the entire ride home. Josh thought he knew why, and decided to give him some space.

Josh remembered Jonathan Williams. He had actually been in a couple of classes with him. They’d spoken a few times. He remembered him as a tall, slender boy with that lovely combination of naturally blonde hair and dark, dark eyes. If he hadn’t died, Josh wasn’t sure he would remember him at all.

He remembered how the death was announced. There was a quiet speech by a professor, and a small article in the local press. No mention was made that Jonathan was gay – which Josh hadn’t known and which, as far as he knew, had never been rumoured. Nothing was said about his having been harassed. The assumption, at least among those Josh had known, was that Jonathan had not been able to deal with the pressures of academia, of being away from home for the first time. This impression was supported by the fact that all students received letters from the university president about the importance of seeking help if you were having difficulties dealing with pressure, and the lists of the university’s support resources.

“You ok?” he asked later, already in bed with a book and watching Scott undress.

Scott pulled his t-shirt over his head, and dropped down beside him.

“That was so hard.” he said. “I just think about how it must feel, to be so alone, so scared, to hurt that much –”

He fell silent.

Josh reached out and wrapped an arm around Scott’s shoulder. He had seen Scott’s reaction to the entire vigil – and especially his reaction to Joe.

“You’re thinking it could have been Luc,” he said quietly.

“If I hadn’t come home that night, listened to my phone... If you hadn’t been home, hadn’t been able to get there on time. So many ifs –”

“But you did come home,” said Josh. “You did listen to your phone. And I was there in time. Luc’s ok, Scott. He’s ok. And did you see him there tonight, how he was? I think it was good for him to be there. To see that other people have been through this.”

“I know,” said Scott. “But – I can’t help feeling it’s bigger than that.”

Josh wrapped both arms around Scott, pulled him in close. He felt Scott’s arms slide around his waist as he buried his face against Josh’s neck. His breathing was hot and unsteady.

“What do you mean, bigger? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking that it could have been any of us,” Scott said slowly. “So many of us are scared. So many of us have been hurt. I mean – fuck, if I didn’t have my family, it could have been me. And... and if you weren’t so strong –” his breath hitched with a small sob. “If you weren’t so strong, it could have been you.”

Josh held Scott for a long time, feeling tears spill hot against his skin. He made soft, soothing noises, but he did not try to deny the truth in what Scott had said.

Afterwards, when Scott had calmed and they lay in the dark wrapped in each other’s arms, Josh touched him slowly and deeply and with great certainty. In every instant of being on him and around him and in him, he whispered words of love and strength and the constancy of his heart.

Copyright © 2011 Duncan Ryder; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Amazing chapter to follow-up to Chapter 19 I read last night. I am amazed again at Luc's sudden boldness in everything. I am glad he didn't just sink back into his bed and held everything in. Unless a significant plot twist happens, I can see how this could be a major turning point for Luc as he develops into a less hidden personality. I am also glad he not only caught the need for Matt not to be alone, but actually followed through with action. Good for Luc! thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

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I really seeing (well... reading) Luc and Matt grow. How their relationship is unfolding is so interesting... Can't wait for the next chapter update.

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I love the story and I agree Freddyness' statement. When do we get more ? :) We all know that life happens, but any idea when more will come ?

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this chapter is very heart-warming...the author have given an impact about the struggle of being gay and no support can be found at your own home or even your community..this is a very good story...

 

cant wait for the next chapter

 

 

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Guest cogito_ergo_sum1666

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im loving this so much. hope u continue this soon.

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Nice to know more about Scott and Josh, and wonderful that there is hope for Luc. But sad that you have not added to this story for a long time - will we ever get to know what happens next ?

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So I just finished reading all 20 chapters and love this story. It just really pulls on the heartstrings. Your writing is just so poetic and beautiful. I really hope you continue with the story, I really want to see what happens between Matt Luc. I feel like Luc is progressing, but Matt is progressing very little if at all. Especially with his self loathing, guilt, and shame. I feel like you are about to expand more on Matt's issues, because of the scene with Brandon reminiscing on his brother and this chapter with Luc comforting Matt. I really hope you update this story soon, you are a great writer!

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Oh come on!!! Between you and Gabriel, you're both are gonna send me to an early grave...will each of you please update! This is why I keep telling myself to stay away from stories "in progress" aarrggghhh

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Methinks Luc is finding his way. I know this is the last chapter and while I wish there were a million more I am happy for the 20 provided, thanks.

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There seems some doubt that this was ever complete. Was there a sequel? But whatever. We can finish the story our way, hey! Thank you for a very beautiful story. It was refreshingly tender and full of kindness and made one believe in people again and in their goodness, each in his own way, and also in the hope that somewhere, somehow, one might find that in another person to love and be loved as a man with a man. A precious story beautifully told. Thank you.

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I liked it, but was not expecting so much on Brandon/Laura's relationship or Scott/Josh relationship in it. Guess I was hoping more for Luc's and Matt's story here. I guess I might have a different viewpoint it was quite jarring to go from "Everybody's Wounded" where most of the story is main focus is Scott and his struggle. In this story it's was to many ideas all put in there, kind of soap opera style (where we just switch to where the action is happening type of thing). I cried towards the end for Matt and Luc which I did not for the first story (of Scott's). I liked the open ending as well.

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“Everybody’s Wounded”and this story are so achingly beautiful.

Even though it’s 8 years later since an update and a less than 8 year reread of both stories on my part, I’d love to see a conclusion to this story.  There was a slow, realistic adjustment on the parts of Luc and Matt that was allowing them to step away from their feelings for Scott and Josh respectively, that I would like to witness the continuation and conclusion (of some sort) to.  It would also be nice to see Laura and Brandon progress to the open trust and love they were clearly on the way to.

I hope you’re still around and I hope all is well with you that an update is possible.

Edited by FanLit
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