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    Lux Apollo
  • Lux Apollo
  • Author
  • 05/29/2016
  • 452 Words
  • 3,942 Views
  • 9 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction that combine worlds created by the original content owner with names, places, characters, events, and incidents that are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, organizations, companies, events or locales are entirely coincidental.
Authors are responsible for properly crediting Original Content creator for their creative works.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
Stories in this Fandom are works of fan fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Recognized characters, events, incidents belong to Marvel Comics <br>

Running for Home - 2. July 18, 2021

July 18, 2021

 

 

 

I can’t write worth shit.

It’s all garbage, everything I’ve been working on for the past year and a half. I don’t need to send this shit away for an evaluation by my publisher to know it. The last two weeks have been even worse when I’ve worked up the energy to try and put pen to paper. I can’t get going, can’t find my muse. I can’t make headway on the old stuff and I have no goddamn inspiration to start something new. I’ve even tried doing a deep read through my old work to bring myself back into those worlds I’d created, but that’s only made me rage even harder about how shit my writing is: boring plots, trope-laden characters, drama inserted for the sake of having drama to keep the reader invested in the action even though it’s just a ploy to distract from how stupid and juvenile the book actually is. It’s just too much.

Now I’m fighting the urge to go back and read through the three of my novels that were published. The real ones, not the bargain-bin, dime-a-dozen romance crap that I ghost-wrote for pennies just to get my foot in the door. I should be happy my real novels were published and that they sold well. I should be happy about that. It should be vindicating, proof that I can do this, that I’m not just some hack. But I just know if I go back and look I’ll see how shitty they actually are and hate myself even more. I’ll see all the flaws that even some damn good editing work never managed to cover up. I’ll see how big of a douche bag corporation my publisher is, how they just duped and pulled the fucking wool over the eyes of my readers in the name of making a buck. It’s making me glad that I refused to do the fucking book tours for my second and third novels after the first one exceeded their sales expectations. I don’t have to live with the memory of all those faces of the people who were too stupid to see they were paying good money to read utter horse shit. I shouldn’t care about that, I know. I shouldn’t care since it’s meant I could have a decent life.

Fuck, aren’t times of misery supposed to be when you are your most creative because of the emotional overload? Maybe I’m just so overloaded and worn out that I don’t have anything left to give. Maybe it’s not just that my writing is garbage. Maybe I’m the real trash. Dominik clearly thought so.

 

 

 

Fuck this.

© 1963-2022 Marvel Comics, Walt Disney Company; All Rights Reserved; Copyright © 2017 Lux Apollo; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction that combine worlds created by the original content owner with names, places, characters, events, and incidents that are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, organizations, companies, events or locales are entirely coincidental.
Authors are responsible for properly crediting Original Content creator for their creative works.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
Stories in this Fandom are works of fan fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Recognized characters, events, incidents belong to Marvel Comics <br>
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Chapter Comments

Robert Rex

Absolutely loved this chapter, because it's too real. As a fledgling writer, I can SOOOOO identify with this! Isn't this what every writer goes through?
Totally nailed it!

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Headstall

Powerful and oh so real. Pyro is such an interesting character. Self doubts can plague us all at times... and Dom did a lot of damage... well done, buddy... cheers... Gary...

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Lux Apollo
On 05/30/2016 12:22 AM, Robert Rex said:

Absolutely loved this chapter, because it's too real. As a fledgling writer, I can SOOOOO identify with this! Isn't this what every writer goes through?

Totally nailed it!

Thanks! I totally connect with the self-doubt. With John and his history, it's easy for me as the author to see how he would judge himself so harshly, but not quite as well for you guys - we have to take his word for it. His doubts will become very interesting as you learn more about how his life has been and what motivates him as the story progresses. (how's that for some breadcrumbs?)

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Lux Apollo
On 06/01/2016 04:11 AM, Headstall said:

Powerful and oh so real. Pyro is such an interesting character. Self doubts can plague us all at times... and Dom did a lot of damage... well done, buddy... cheers... Gary...

I'm glad you felt it! Dom really did do a lot of damage. I was in a toxic relationship once (though not nearly this bad, and only for a bit less than a year) and it took me a long time to get over, even after I'd moved on and dated a couple other people. John will definitely be feeling the after effects for a long time to come.

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Parker Owens

Time heals, they say. But not at our desired pace, not as we might like. And, no, now is not the time to reread.

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Lux Apollo
On 06/12/2016 09:04 PM, Parker Owens said:

Time heals, they say. But not at our desired pace, not as we might like. And, no, now is not the time to reread.

The way deep emotions can override our ability to function in things we are good at and enjoy is one of the most difficult things and I think that it can be something that delays the resolution of a grieving process. Unchecked, it's easy to slide into depression. St. John, ever the pessimist, is looking for an excuse to fall, because he's really trying hard not to completely lose it.

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Timothy M.

Reading this again, I'm struck by the realization that he is all alone. No mention of friends or family being there for him, giving support and dragging him out of the black hole of depression. So sad :( 

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Lux Apollo

He's definitely isolated. Maybe we'll discover eventually exactly why that is. Was it self-imposed? Was it Dom? Both?

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