Breaking Through The Blackout - 9. Chapter 9

9

Andrew dropped the napkin as if it had burst into flames.

DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.

The words bounced around his head, doing nothing for his already elevated heart rate. Thoughts ran rapidly through his head, all questions for which he had no answers. Who was the guy who had the hat on? Was he the one who had written it? What did he mean? Was he in danger?

He sat on the sofa and cradled his head in hands.

You can't tell Dee Dee.

He couldn’t. It would only worry her and affect her work. He didn’t want her involved if it was something negative, if this nameless man had bad intentions. He had just arrived in Maine and already someone had an eye on him, an eye he wasn’t sure he wanted on him. He had come for anonymity and space.

Maybe he's just fucking with you. Trying to shake you up a bit.

That was it, he thought, some local trying to frighten a newcomer.

He crumbled the napkin in disgust. He tossed it in the wastebasket in the bathroom before taking a quick shower. The hot water soothed the Maine chill that had preyed upon his bones all day. It hadn't been so noticeable in the warmth of Kevin's presence.

He stood beneath the spray, lathering soap all over himself. He watched absently as the water carried the white foam down the drain. He focused on keeping his mind blank, pushing thoughts out as quickly as they entered his empty arena.

David.

He pushed it out.

Cold.

Push.

You need a job.

Well aware, he thought before pushing it out as well.

Kevin.

Pause…Push.

Napkin.

Push. With more force this time.

He yawned.

Sleep.

That was a thought he would entertain.

He turned off the shower and stood there for a moment, the water droplets tracing tiny rivers down his torso and legs. He enjoyed the exhaustion that he felt from the hike. It weighed down his limbs, begging him to let his body rest. It had been a long time since physical exertion had made him tired. He hadn't worked out in weeks. Lately what drove him to slumber was emotional burnout.

He toweled himself off, not bothering to dress. He brushed his teeth with his eyes closed, fearing that the light would chase away his sleepiness. He shut off all of the lights and headed for the bedroom.

He arranged the pillows in a large pile that he squirmed his way into, dragging the sheet and comforter into the tangled nest. He was just about to fall asleep when he dug his way out and went to the closet.

He rummaged in the dark, finding the box he had stored there the week before. He opened the lid and felt around until his hand brushed the cold glass that he was hunting. It was a bottle of cologne, nearly empty now.

Throughout he and David's relationship, it was the one David most frequently wore. He would intentionally leave it on Andrew's bathroom sink, knowing that when he couldn’t be there, Andrew would sleep soundly with the scent sprayed on his pillows.

Knowing that it was almost gone, Andrew spritzed the pillows sparingly. Too tired to return it to the closet, he retired it to the nightstand.

Back in the bed, safe beneath a cloudlike pile of pillows and comforters, he tucked his arms beneath his chest and sighed contentedly. The smell of Abercrombie Fierce cologne blanketed him, reminding him of the love and safety that he had always associated with David.

Moments later, he had slipped into a soundless sleep.

*******

Andrew woke the next morning to the incessant chatter of birds outside of his window. Without even opening his eyes, he pulled a pillow over his head and groaned. He had been in the middle of a dream that he couldn’t recall, only knowing that he had been content in it.

Rise and shine.

No!, he thought, I was so comfortable. He could still smell David. His arm explored the spot next to him, tentatively seeking the product of his undying desire. He knew he would keep reaching, yearning for something his hands would likely never touch again. Some little part of him, some tiny hope not suppressed by full wakefulness let him believe that the past months had been nothing but a bad dream. David would be on the end of his fingertips, would awake to his touch. They would make love, beginning the day on a high note, like they had so many mornings before. They would start their day together, the bad dream furthering Andrew's appreciation for what they shared.

Just you here, and me but you know how that goes…

Yeah, he thought wryly, you never go away.

Hahahahaha.

He had known he wouldn’t find David, but he wasn’t prepared to lay there and let it hurt. It could only hurt if he let it.

Better to get up and face the world without him. He's never coming back you know.

He knew. He could feel it.

He got out of bed, leaving it unmade. He crossed to the still open closet, picking through several articles of clothing. Once dressed he tucked the cologne back in his David box, vowing not to spray his pillows again.

Deciding that he could benefit from some quality time with Dee Dee, he walked down the stairs and across the driveway.

It was an unseasonably warm Saturday, sun shining, the air still. It was cold, but not so cold that he felt the need for a jacket.

He knocked at the kitchen door, and as he waited he pondered whether or not he should tell her about Kevin. She was opening the door before he could begin an inner argument.

"G'mornin beautiful." he said sweetly.

She chuckled, wiping wet hands on her jeans. "Oh stop it. I'm a widowed spinster, you and everyone else knows that."

She ushered him in, adding, "By the way, morning ended over an hour ago."

Andrew gasped. "What time is it?"

"One fifteen. You always did sleep like you were dead. Why? You got a date with that fella from the restaurant."

His stomach flipped at the reminder.

Just when you'd put that damn guy out of your mind.

"Ha. No! I threw his napkin away without even reading it."

Lying with such comfortable ease, now there's a new low.

He wouldn’t be telling her about that. To turn the conversation, he leaned against the counter. He decided to tell her about Kevin as she finished the dish washing that his arrival had interrupted.

"I met someone though." He left it at that, knowing that the bait was too sweet for Dee Dee not to bite.

She plunged her hands into the soapy water, washing a cup with care.

"Oh really? Care to share?"

He grinned in reply. "He's hot. Muscular. And oh so manly."

"Name?"

"Kevin. I don’t think I got his last name though, or if I did I've forgotten it."

"Hmmm…Is he a year round resident?"

Her question made him realize just how little he knew about his new friend.

"Yeah, I think he is."

"Where does he work?"

He giggled nervously. "Not sure." Did Kevin even have a job? He must with a house like that? Right?

Maybe he lives there with his parents.

"How old is he?"

"Don't know that either. Not more than twenty-five or twenty-six."

She chuckled. "It is JUST like you to just go with the flow, no questions asked. Why do you think everyone worried about you as a kid?"

"Maybe I don’t need to know everything?" he offered. "Ignorance is bliss like they say. Besides, we didn’t really do much talking."

"Then what did you two do?" she asked. "I'm not gonna play mother hen, but I feel like I have to express the importance of playing safely."

Awkward.

He was sure he blushed.

"No. No. Goodness no. We didn’t do that. We just went for lunch and then hiked for a few hours."

"Oh. I'm sorry I assumed that. It was unkind."

"No, it's ok. We can talk about anything." he replied, knowing that she was probably feeling guilty about her statement. "I know you will worry. It's just your way. And maybe I need someone who will worry about me."

"Well I have no shortage of worry. And I do hope you know that we can talk about anything. I will never judge you Andy."

He picked up a towel and began drying the dishes as she rinsed them.

"I know Dee Dee. I just don’t want you to worry yourself into a frenzy."

"I know." she replied. "Where'd you meet this guy?"

His mind spun like a globe, searching for a good lie. He didn’t want to tell her about being drunk on the beach.

"I met him when I went on a run down the beach the other night."

"So he is athletic. Nice. Where'd you guys hike?"

"I'm not sure, it was somewhere along the coast, it was only about twenty minutes away from here."

"Probably the bluffs. There are definitely some beautiful sights to see here, even in the cold months." Finished, she pulled the drain out, letting the water descend noisily down the drain. "Just be careful not to get lost out there. There's hundreds of miles of forests out there."

He assured her that he would take caution. He decided not to share the time that he had spent with Kevin in the clearing. It held a sort of magic that, should he verbalize it, may shatter and cease to exist. Not to mention it was Kevin's special spot, and those things were private.

"So are you going to see him again? Get to know him?"

He spoke from his heart when he said yes. He wanted a friend at the very least.

"That’s good. You can't hide from the world forever. You need to be around people your age. You need to enjoy being young, or you will grow old so fast that you'll regret not living."

"Do you regret anything Dee Dee?" For some reason he couldn’t see her ever needing to regret something, not with a heart as gentle as hers.

She was quiet for a moment, a distant look coming over her face. When she finally spoke, her words were carefully measured, as if she feared imparting the wrong message.

"People grow attached to this notion that if we regret, we are weak. Self loathing. Regret takes on a negative connotation because it shows our vulnerability. It imparts that we are not comfortable with how we acted or reacted. So to say I have never regretted, though it would show resolve and strength of character, it would be a lie and inhuman. Regardless of the toughness we attempt to mask our doubts with, we all regret things at some point in our lives. It proves that we have a conscience. So, to answer your question, yes there are things I regret."

He pondered her words, finding truth in them. More than once in his life he had covered his doubts and uncertainty with a "You only live once, do it with no regrets.' attitude.

"The best advice I could give on that subject…" she continued, "Live like you will never regret, but when you find yourself regretting, realize that you are allowed to wish you'd chosen differently. Just don’t ever let your regret consume you. And make decisions with finality and resolve. If it turns out to be a good decision, well then good. If not, well, then you realize that if faced with a similar situation, you need to remember the lesson that regret taught you. Think your decision through a little better. You get what I'm sayin' kiddo?"

"I do. And its good advice. Regret can be a teacher or the guy who beats you to death."

She laughed. "Interesting way to put it but yes, that’s basically the gist of it all. How about we make some junk food and have a movie day? And not regret the carbs."

He agreed. They dug through the freezer and came up with two pizzas, a box of mozzarella sticks and a bag of jalapeno poppers. They cooked all of it and spent the afternoon on the sofas in the den, watching movies and eating to their hearts content.

Later in the evening, as they were finishing their fourth movie, Andrew asked a question that he had been wanting to ask for days.

"What can I pay in rent?"

"I told you. Because it's you, no rent. Why does it bother you that I won't take your money?"

"It just doesn’t feel right. It feels like living off of you. I've always had my own place and had to pay bills, so to not do that anymore feels upside down." he explained.

"So it’s a pride thing?" she asked.

"Kinda. It's just that I wanna feel right about it. I don’t feel right living for free."

"If it makes you feel more comfortable about it, I can give you a bill or something that you can be responsible for."

He was alright with that. He just didn’t want to feel like, or give anyone else a reason to think that he was living off of her. He hated the feeling that he might be causing a hardship for someone he cared so much about.

"That works. I just want to contribute something." he said.

"Then I will get you a bill. We can deal with it the next time they come in." she shook her head. "That guy made you feel like a burden didn’t he?"

"I don’t know if he made me feel that way or if I felt it myself. I guess he played a part in it. Considering that one of the main reasons we split was because of financial issues." he chewed his lip.

"It’s not my place, but I swear, the more I hear about him, the more I'm glad you are here." she said. "I don’t think he realized what he had."

"Aw thanks Dee Dee."

"You know I don’t blow smoke up peoples asses. I'm just saying what I think is true."

He smiled at her, getting one in return.

She steered him away from the conversation, and he knew it was because she heard the emotion that seeped into his voice at the mention of David.

"Since we are on the topic, are you planning on finding work?"

"Yes." he said. "I think having something to keep me occupied would be good. I'll be better off if I feel like I have responsibility. And some extra money never hurts. Are there places to work around here this time of year? That you don't have to have a degree for?"

"Of course there are." She laughed. "There's a few shops and cafes on the strip. Then there's your fast food joints and gas stations."

He could see himself working as a barista or waiter in a little café or restaurant. Relaxed pace. Simple work. He would work his shifts, enjoy himself and meander his way through the summer. Enjoy his youth as Dee Dee had suggested. There was a whole lifetime ahead of him in which he could be a super responsible adult. For now he could just enjoy life.

"You'll want to get one before the summer crowd gets here, or all the good positions will be taken. The strip seems to be everyone's first pick, because that’s where all the action and artsy places are. The ones who miss out end up busing tables or washing dishes, and that’s crappy work. And you're too pretty for crap work."

He laughed and agreed as he put the next movie on. "I don’t want to be bussing any tables."

"I know the man who owns the Mocha House. If you decide it's something you would want to do, I could put a good word in for you." she offered.

"Gimme a chance to check it out and I'll let you know."

"No rush. Rest up for a few weeks. Get into the chill vibe first. Read some, write some. Go explore. Find a friend. Sleep. Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy." she said.

Sleep, oh yes.

"Now there's a plan. Maybe I will write for a few weeks."

"I know how you loved your notebooks and journals. Start a new one just for the stuff you experience here. Like a summer diary."

He liked the idea, and made a mental note to find a new notebook on the strip.

Half way through the movie, he heard Dee Dee snoring softly. He stifled a giggle. She was laying on the sofa, her legs propped up on a stack of pillows, her mouth wide open. He knew she must be tired from work. She had always put all of her energy into her job. He got up and draped and afghan over her, careful not to wake her.

As he gathered their plates and glasses, he found himself thinking of how good it was to be there. No job strapping him down and sucking the life from him. No boyfriend making demands. He was looking forward to the summer more and more. He couldn’t wait for the green of the leaves, for the sun and sand.

It was going to take some time to get over David, and maybe he never would be completely over him, but it would happen. He knew that he needed to find ways to be happy. Pushing through might be hard at first, but it would get easier with time.

He placed all of the dishes in the sink, not wanting to wake Dee Dee with the noise of washing them, but felt slightly guilty to be leaving them there for her. He shut out all of the lights and slipped quietly out the back door.

This is a great way to live, he thought as he crossed the driveway.

It certainly is.