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Wow it's been a long time since I've been here. I'll try to post something more regularly but if you know me at all you'll know my memory is awful. Nudges always appreciated.
Anyway, I thought it might be fun to give you a bit of a peep behind the scenes of Aria Graice. It actually all started with one of those silly, click bait things that crop up on Facebook. It was about the children of celebrities. I started thinking about it and this name popped into my head. Aria Graice. I started making up all kinds of little stories about Aria - who he was, where he lived, what kind of life he had. It percolated around in my head but wasn't really going anywhere.
I have to mention that in a complete, if rather freaky, coincidence, I have recently discovered there is an LGBT author called Aria Graice. I had no idea before I named my character, and I honestly don't believe I'd heard of them before Aria came to me. Once named, of course, Aria would accept no other.
Then I saw a painting that is actually fan art depicting Yuri and Yurio from Yuri on ice. I am ashamed to say I can't find the painter but I will and I will credit her here. She does amazing work. Anyway, as soon as I laid eyes on him I knew he was my Aria. That's when I started to write the story and wouldn't you know, the little shit cloned himself and suddenly I had twins. This was never going to be a twincest story, and it isn't. In fact there's not much sex in it at all. It's more of an adventure with a lot of angst, some surprising twists and some typically Nephy torture and torment for kicks.
I've tried to bring things up to date a little but at the same time wrote in some real life stuff given Drew comes from my home town. I've tried my hand at overshadowing and tried my best to avoid any Chekov's guns (probably wrong spellings) no doubt my readers will pull me up if I fail. The notice everything.
So Aria was born and duplicated, hence Amara was born, then wouldn't you know a whole load of stuff shifted to Amara and Aria shocked me by becoming something other than he was at the beginning.
The story took some strange twists and turns. Characters entered I hadn't intended, characters I'd planned faded into the background and Drew surprised me by being a lot deeper that I'd thought.
So there you are. The story was born. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
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Hopefully you all are enjoying your summer or winter depending on your locale. No matter what the season, GA will be here with informative articles and activities for you all year long!
Monday Cia brought us the Story Review done by Parker Owens:
Tuesday was more information and examples of how to use the Story Archive Search Filters:
Wednesday, we gave the keys to the GA Blog to Graeme for his first blog as an Admin:
Thursday Myr took us back to the Winter of 2012:
Saturday, Myr let us know that the article feature is taking a summer break! I think Comsie wants to go hang out at the rope swing at the swimming hole But don't worry, they will be back, just make sure to follow the Articles Blog.
- 2018 Fall Anthology: Fight Back - Due Nov 15th
- 2018 Fall Anthology: Good Intentions - Due Nov 15th
Story Critique: Open to all GA authors. Sign up here.
Ask An Author: Send your questions for your favorite authors to @Carlos Hazday (no questions = no Ask An Author)
Story Recommendations: Open to all GA authors & readers. PM your recommendation and why you recommend it to a Site Admin.
Harbinger by Cia *Premium*
Conversations With Myself by Altimexis
You Don't Know Me by Dabeagle
Aria Graice by Nephylim
Campfires and Starlight - a novella by AC Benus
Denied by Cia
Ride The Lightning by CassieQ
Disasters, Delights and Other Detours by Parker Owens
Here Kitty, Kitty by Caz Pedroso
Prompt Rides by Carlos Hazday
***Check out this GA Classic***
A Friendly Face
Aaron doesn't get involved in drama. Instead he prefers to sit back night after night in the local club and watch OTHER guys become ensnared by life, and the A-gay's, little games. All that unexpectedly changes one night with four simple words, "Buy me a drink?" Now all Aaron can do is hang on and see where this ride takes him.
Don't forget.... Read, Write, and REVIEW!!!
Hello my faithful readers
I have a news scoop for you...
Sebastian and his twin brothers, plus others, plus a little twist, from "NB A New Chapter",
will appear, starting from Chapter 16, in an up coming new story to be published on GA in a few months time.
So keep an eye out for them.
Regards Preston aka Quokka
And just like that, almost half of July is gone! How does this keep happening? I swear, there's a time warp that makes time ahead of us seem to stretch out forever, but as soon as it's passed, I have no idea what I did with it. How about you guys? Maybe that should be a prompt? LOL
Prompt 682 – Creative
Tag – The Tree
Wow, with summer here in the Northern Hemisphere, we are definitely seeing a drop in people online. Even I'm getting more sun.
I'm going to cut back on the number of blogs I'm doing for now and pick up again in the fall. It'll give me more time to do these silly summer homeowner things I'm suddenly stuck with. lol.
I’m at a juncture in my writing where I seriously think I need to stop it. The problem is basically for the most part I write violent shit and I don’t like it.
I’m tired of having likeable characters die in the most horrible ways. For chissakes, how many assaults, rapes, and murders have to be written before I go down to the local sporting goods store and buy a pistol to blow my diseased brain out of my head? I suppose I could call my new therapist, but what the fuck will she do?
I try to throw marshmallows, but bricks leave my hand.
I tried to start a sequel to 319 about the remaining four boys in the house. But, I threw a brick and hit one of the boys; and, then the last he was seen crying on his bed with his pants and underwear around his ankles with blood and shit smeared across his butt and on the bedspread. After the police were called, he was found stuffed in the chest freezer in the pantry, near death from hypothermia.
All my other choices for the next story are also chock full ’o nuts, bricks, knives, guns, homophobes, and every other evil I can think of.
So, once The Angel of Retribution has finished posting, I’m going to concentrate on raising our new puppy. Sara, another purebred German Shepherd imported from Germany will be arriving sometime around the end of July/beginning of August. Plus, I’ll return to trying to learn how to play jazz guitar. I have to buy a new (or, refurbished used) guitar, but that shouldn’t cost over $500.
I’ve got to go now because my attention whore (purebred German Shepherd), Nana, is begging to go out and chase cats out of the backyard.
Maybe, after discussing my situation with my therapist, I can think about going back to writing. Or, possibly, she’ll just tell me to give it up until I can get the evil out of my mind. (Therapists really do not like patients who get suicidal.)
It's been a while since an update, things have been very trying and exhausting yet time doesn't stand still it continues to progress even when we are not ready, it moves. Situations unexpected, to try and spoil, dreams and Happiness. What can be done to deflect or slow down approaching disaster...??? apparently just adapting and taking the good and filter out the bad ..! It's only 11 days until My Boys wedding, they have managed to juggle and maneuver and manage their plans yet still work and prepare for college classes. I have tried my best to accomplish and finish projects for the Wedding since the news they wanted at home in our yard... while some are finished others remain to be completed. complications with My good eye after surgery slowly demanding my time, instead of allowing assistance in the completion of projects. yes, it is Frustrating and could cause one to dwell on its completion. I wanted nothing but the Best for their wedding... while dealing with the possibilities it wouldn't be finished, I had come to a major revelation...nothing new, nothing that hasn't evolved before and certainly not the tragedy my mind was generating within my head. the wedding will still happen, and just the joy of the glorious day itself will not cease because the "PERGOLA" never got finished, the garden was never completed and your eye needs more surgery. not relevant... what is relevant is that the wedding is all about Love, and new beginnings, and happiness, joy, and health for the two young one's joining together to bond in and through that love... I had to realize this is not about me... how selfish tragedy want's to steal and pillage all our happiness ... So My task is done for the moment, my focus on the Magnificent Wonder of Two people Hopelessly in Love and that is something money can't buy...!!! Hugz and love to you all, life is but for a moment...!!
For those of you that have not yet watched the video on how the new search filters work, please watch it now:
Back? Good... Now to add a few things. Since the new search system uses the URL to add filters, you can now bookmark your search. Or copy it for others. For example, this is all the Sci-Fi stories by dkstories:
Or maybe your thing is complete Long Fantasy stories?
Or, how about you want to see the newest in progress romance stories that have exceeded 20,000 words?
Now you can set what you want to find and bookmark it. Easy. You can do any combination of things. Like adding some tags to the above search.
Does this help you find stuff?
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Gay Song Seven – “You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see”
Note: for this series of postings, the term 'Gay Song' refers to music written to/for/by or about Gay men or women. A second category also deals with music identified as Gay because it speaks to the heart of the Gay Experience.
So to make this easier, I will call them Gay in the 1st Degree (to/for/by/about), or Gay in the 2nd Degree (like Judy Garland singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow).
This classic hit is both Gay in the 1st and 2nd degrees!
By the 1930s, the popular black slang expression for having sex made its debut in songs. Alberta Hunter had a hit with My Castle’s Rockin’ (and yes, castle is slang for a part of the female anatomy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpOtXGFS4Gw), and later in 1938, Ella Fitzgerald released Rock it for Me, which cemented the sexual slang with a type of ‘swinging’ music (swing itself being another way to describe sex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmdVTJPbdTs).
Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller’s 1957 Jailhouse Rock is one of the most explicit pop songs to ever deal with same-sex relations. If you don’t believe me, get a copy of the dictionary The Slanguage of Sex and you will see the lyrics positively bristle with a fun-loving tribute to what can go on behind bars.
At this point we should talk about a few things. For us, men dancing has become a provocative sight. Part of that is a cultural reaction to post-Stonewall resistance where men in love did not care if they were seen dancing together. In the knee-jerk oppressive straight world, it became an act of defiance to their rule of ‘order’ and a powerful tool to spread fear that it was taking over; in their dirty minds the image of men dancing equaled the sight of two guys having sex. However, in the 1950s it was considered harmless and cute. The evidence is abundant. In 1955, the Hollywood film Blackboard Jungle, fanning adult fears that teenagers were a dangerously criminal subset and out of control, opens with an incredibly sweet moment of ‘good boys’ dancing together in the schoolyard before classes started. Another strong piece of evidence is the music video made in 1957 to promote Elvis’ single release of Jailhouse Rock on television. This is attached below, and you can see it involves the inmates cutting a rug, including a tender face-touch after the lyrics "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see."
Secondly, how were same-sex partnerships in prisons viewed at the time? Lucky for us, we have a firsthand account. Jonathan Ned Katz conducted an interview with one of the victims of the Boise Witch Hunt of 1955; it was an incident in which Gay teenagers were rounded up and imprisoned. The young man says this about being transferred to the State Penitentiary: “The captain of the yard was an old friend of my family’s. I’d know him all my life. The first thing he said to me was, ‘Now, just go out there and find yourself a jock, and settle down, so we don’t have any trouble with you.’ I said, ‘How am I going to settle down with somebody when I’m locked up in my cell twenty-four hours a day?’ He said, ‘Well, don’t worry about that right now.’” It turns out this family friend began working behind the scenes to arrange for a suitable protector for the young victim of homophobia. “[Four days later], as I was going through the chow line, I saw this gorgeous guy handing out silverware. You wore anything – they didn’t pay attention to how you dressed – and he was wearing a shirt that was completely open, with sleeves torn out. He had been a prizefighter. […] He said, ‘You got any magazines?’ ‘No,’ I answered. […] Later he brought me a big stack of magazines and shoved them in my cell. […] Before the month was out, Larry and I had found a way to become lovers.”
So now that we know viewing men dancing was innocent at the time, and that same-sex partnerships were seen as good and stabilizing elements for prisoners, we can focus on the lyrics of Jailhouse Rock. Meant to pass as ‘straight’ to the uninitiated, it’s incredible just how many of the words are synonymous with sex among males. Here’s a small breakdown.
Intercourse: wail, swing, rock, crash-boom-bang, nix (nicks; slang for the buttocks).
Oral sex: sing, play, blowing, saxophone; trombone (references to the male member).
Purple has a well-known association with Gay men, so the song’s “Purple Gang” could simply mean the fellows dancing (having sex) with one another. In Slanguage, on page 155, appears this about another of the song’s lyrics, the word kicks: “sexual tastes; like the phrase ‘whatever turns you on.’ The meaning was immortalized in the pop song Route 66 by Chuck Berry – ‘Get your kicks on Route 66.’ The song was taken up by the Rolling Stones in the sixties and the meaning still survives. Compare with [get your] ROCKS OFF.”
So then going to page 230, the entry about getting your rocks off says: “likely derived from the U.S. black expression ‘rock and roll’ = sexual intercourse."
As for Elvis himself, he was pretty open about liking the boys, that is until his career took off and his ‘people’ tried to keep him more discreet. After documenting the singer was not interested in sex with women (“preferring to watch TV and talk to his girlfriends”) Keith Stern goes on to say this about him: “In his 2003 book, Elvis: The Hollywood Years, author David Bret documented affairs with men, including actor Nick Adams. […] Elvis’ stepmother Dee Presley also refers to these [relationships] in her unpublished manuscript The Intimate Life and Death of Elvis.”
If you wish to investigate further, I’d point you in the direction of reading about the singer’s relationship with Dennis Hopper. The actor was just starting out in Hollywood and connected the singer with lots of out guys in town at that time, like James Dean. Hopper and Elvis stayed intimate friends until the singer’s death.
Also see the released FBI file J. Edgar Hoover kept in his desk drawer on Presley. The incident when Elvis was in the Army and stationed in Germany is very telling. Namely that the soldier and his entourage had a local hairdresser coming on base and bringing young men to them for sex and other fun. The FBI was drawn in when the hairdresser began trying to blackmail the singer.
The following link has the full lyrics for Jailhouse Rock.
So, what do you think?
 The Slanguage of Sex by Brigid McConville and John Shearlaw, 1985 London.
 Gay American History, 1976 New York, ps.179-180
 Queers in History, 2009 Dallas, ps.369-370
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OK, this is something I never thought I would ever get to say. But my book Thaw is published! Yes, my little story has been turned into a real book. I'm excited beyond words! Of course, none of this would have been possible without a lot of help from the best friend anyone can ever hope to have. The ever amazing @JohnAR has guided me through the entire process and all I had to do was follow instructions and enjoy the journey.
And don't you just love the cover?
So if you have a craving for your own book copy of Thaw, check it out here (paperback is also available):
My threat to ask myself questions in a previous entry sparked the following from a GA member:
A question or two for you... Or for anyone else with a long-running saga. How do you keep track of everyone? And indeed everything they do? Do you just remember, write notes in a separate file, rely on your beta-reader to keep you on the straight and narrow? Do you ever mix characters up, giving them characteristics belonging to someone else?
I decided to accept the invitation to share the question with others and approached the authors of the two longest series on Gay Authors: @Mark Arbour and @Bill W.
• • •
With sixteen books and nearly four million words, Mark Arbour’s Chronicles of an Academic Predator is a series of historical fiction spanning the late twentieth century and early twenty-first. The author was gracious enough to reply to the question.
I have a really good feel for my characters and their personalities, so I really don't have to worry about losing track of that aspect. When I'm writing, I periodically go back and re-read prior books, and that helps keep me in their heads.
That being said, I'm not very good with details. That's where my writing team and my readers help keep me on track. In addition to editing, my team will point out any inconsistencies or grievous errors. With the CAP series, for example, Jeremy (Methodwriter) has been instrumental in watching out for important dates (Iike birthdays) and even set up a reference topic on my forum. My readers have also been amazingly helpful. In the past, when I've had questions about something (like how many people did this character have sex with?), they've jumped in to do the research for me.
• • •
Bill W’s The Castaway Hotel follows the life of Josh and the children he provides shelter for. At eleven books and nearly two million words, the saga is the second longest one on Gay Authors. Here’s his reply to the question.
I keep notes in a document/file pertaining to the characters, specifically ages and any other information that might change as my story The Castaway Hotel progresses, but mostly I know the characters and their personalities, so I depend on my memory for the most part. I also keep a document with a synopsis of each chapter for easier reference, especially if I need to go back and check to make sure what I'm writing is in agreement with what I've already written. I also rely heavily on my beta(s) and editor to catch any slip-ups I might make, although sometimes the readers still catch things we've missed.
• • •
I guess it’s my turn.
• Excel is my best friend. I have a file with multiple spreadsheets I use to keep track of several things including characters. Name, nickname, physical characteristics, date and place of birth, education, and myriad other things. The more important the character is, the more information I keep. Some of the minor characters have no more than a first name and a few words on who they are. Something like Georgetown Cupcakes baker. Considering I have named around 250 named characters so far, it’s the only way I can track everyone.
My team also helps. Mann, Kitt, and Reader1810 have caught me mixing things up a few times. Particularly Reader since she gets to beta read an early draft of each chapter.
• • •
That’s all, folks. See ya next month.
I messed up today. Again. And i spoke to Michael about it, and asked his permission to write this.
For a long time, I'd heard this term: mindfulness. It sounded so much like a catchphrase because everyone was using it. Be mindful.
What the heck does that even mean? Took me a while to figure it out even after I'd looked it up.
Turns out I am pretty bad at it. The Doms in my life tell me so. Sometimes directly, sometimes in other ways. I wasn't mindful when discussing something recently. I had to be reminded again, that being mindful is a good thing for a submissive (like me) to be.
There are other uses for mindfulness, other than learning to be a better boy.
My shrink thinks the same thing.
I wanted to stop taking antidepressants. So he said to me, "I want to try MBCT, or Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy with you." I agreed.
We worked on that for some time while he weaned me off the drugs completely.
MBCT is educates you about depression using CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and mindfulness to accept feelings and thoughts, rather than just reacting to them. This is especially hard for me, since I am a very reactive person generally.
The theory is that people like me who become who have been depressed and are distressed will repeat the same cognitive processes that trigger their depression in the first place. So MBCT interrupts that process and the person learns to focus less on what triggers them, and can look at the triggers from a higher level so to speak. Mindfulness helps me notice the trigger, and I can look at it from a more objective place and ask for help, or realize I need to make a change, therefore hopefully stopping a full-fledged depressive episode.
Sadly, it didn't work for me as after a few weeks with no drugs, I began having suicidal thoughts and slipped easily into that slick-sided rabbit hole.
Needless to say I am back on a mild antidepressant and still using MBCT. It, in conjunction with the medication seems to be working for me. I find myself telling someone that my thoughts are in a bad place. I usually know what the trigger was, and often I just need to get up and do something else for a while.
Stepping away from what triggered me and telling Sir, or a friend that I'm struggling, often helps me get through the episode successfully. My doctor said, I need to face the fact I will likely need medication for the rest of my life for depression. I have accepted that now, but I have hope that they can remain this mild option.
Now all I need to do is learn to be a more mindful about other areas in my life. I'm not purposefully unthinking, but I often am.
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I don't know how long it's been since I've posted a blog here. Last night, I totally freaked out, like completely. I feel like I've wasted years of my life. I feel like nobody really knows me. It makes me feel empty. I need to do something about this, like really do something about this before I just cease to exist.
Just returned from watching Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Or should I say dragged to see the flick.
I should start by saying that I am a huge fan of Jurassic Park, a satisfied fan of Jurassic Park 2, a meh for Jurassic Park 3, and a very disappointed viewer for Jurassic World.
For all the amazing CGI of the first one, they did not skimp on the story and characters. All I have to say is Alan Grant. Jurassic Park 2, the sequence when T-Rex squared pushes the camper off the cliff is stunning, again they did not skimp on the story and characters. I know they have plot holes and characters that were only half developed. But the entertainment factor of Dr. Ian alone carries that film that is re-watchable each time I see it on cable. Jurassic Park 3, sees the return of Alan Grant, one of my favorite actors from the 90's and eerily attracted to in a carnal way, returns to an okay horror film. I love the moments with Eric Kirby, he has some of the best lines in the entire film. Plus, you have the human eating birds attacking our steadfast heroes. Lets not talk about the spinosaurus as a villain.
Then you have Jurassic World some 17 years later with the amazing B.D. Wong and the over-hyped Chris Pratt and his abs. Great CGI and a pulse pounding action scenes but with under developed characters, kids in danger for no reason, and a deeply unsatisfying ending that is a bit too nostalgic for my taste. I felt that Star Wars Force Awakens suffered from the same malady. A fan that grew up and made a homage movie to their childhood fantasies. In both films, each writer and director focused more on feelings that actual story, spectacle over substance, and nostalgia dripping from the screen that makes me wish instead of essentially re-making a classic, they would have been better served in just re-watching the originals.
So when "N" insisted on us going to the movie tonight on my one day off this week, I was prepared for another Jurassic World. After all, Chris Pratt has already given me a sequel that was boring on the surface, sub-par in the meat of the story, and just plain awful by the discovery of the villain. Of course i am speaking about Guardians of the Galaxy Chapter 2.
I offered other opportunities, even went as far as begging us to go to Las Vegas last minute just to avoid this movie. And much to my chagrin, he wasn't having any part of that strategy. And once the credits rolled, damn was I impressed. For the first time in a long time, Chris Pratt was more grounded as an actor since I first saw him on Everwood. The writers/directors kept him from his Prattness and he acted the shit out of a smart, believable script that didn't seem like over two hours that it ended being. Bryce Dallas Howard stopped being the damsel in distress/high heels from the previous one and held her own against the new villain of the piece. I will give zero spoilers but finally a sequel to Jurassic Park that was promised. I didn't stay past the credits so I don't know if there is a post credit scene., but they set up the next installment perfectly that made sense in the framework of the story. Completely understand why its making all the money.
I would say watch this movie, you won't be disappointed.
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I was invited to this site by @Rambling Robin a few years ago. I didn't even know that such a forum existed and the rich diversity of authors it contained. Though we are not on the same page for everything in life (as few people are, regardless), both Robin and I realized that we wrote as therapy and as a means to entertain ourselves and to take breaks between our hectic work, university, and home lives. I am grateful that though we butted heads on many occasions, especially in our early beginnings, Robin never cast aside our friendship and we were able to compromise until the point we've reached today. We are now inseparable sisters-in-arms and I look forward to not only our own future collaborations, but also her other collaborations (Maddam Redder also writes amazing work) and her own personal works (Prophylaxis, Catching Tavo, Saving Ezra, Feeling Lucky, and all the ones that she's been itching to write but hasn't had the time to yet).
I am also grateful to each and every author/member on this site...those that have steered us in the right directions in regards to the website and postings, those that have enjoyed our silly collaborations and my own silly tales, those that post regularly in the different forums (including games!), and last but certainly not least, those that have shared their own amazing stories and written work. I know that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all the amazing stories that are on this site. But, I am eager to read more (especially when my life settles back down to one job, that will be amazing)! I'm not going to name any names, because it would quite literally take up this entire blog post. But, I refer to every person I've ever interacted with.
I sincerely thank everyone for the warm welcoming, the patience, and thoughts...which are as richly diverse as we all are. 💜
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Although nearly 15 years old, this New York Times article still provides a good description of my city.
Unfortunately, I’m going to have to make a new email address which is a pain, but I just had to delete over 300 emails, all from the same guy: Stalker. My whole life practically comes through my email. My paypal, my contacts, my student loans, my bill receipts! On top of that, there’s a chance he will find out my new email, because I can’t really keep it a secret from everyone or I’ll be isolating myself, and I already feel like my life is as remote as possible. I understand that he’s mentally unstable and desperately needs help, but right now I hate him. I wish he would die in a car crash.
I got a few emails from him that I was set on deleting, but I opened a few with the intentions of not replying, and he’s prepared to blackmail me by posting everything I ever confided with him about on all the sites I frequent, including GA, then he’d start telling everyone in my actual life all the same stuff. I felt like my stomach dropped to the floor because, like an idiot, I’ve told him a lot about myself. I trusted him at one point and I told him things that I have only told two other people: Chris and Jamie.
The first thing I did was reach out to most of the admins, including GA, and they’ve been very understanding and supportive which I’m deeply moved by, but Stalker is hard to track down, block, and ban. I don’t even know what username he’s using on here, but if anyone has PMed you about me at all that seems suspicious, please relay it to an admin. I also reached out to my in laws and what family I have left and warned them about Stalker’s intentions, and most of them assured me that whatever he tried to tell them, it would not matter.
But it does matter, TO ME, to the point where I’m having suicidal thoughts.
I won’t give him what he wants, but I can’t stop him from posting anything. Just don’t judge me from what he says. I suffered from my addiction for a long time, and I have a lot of problems from it, and I’m deeply ashamed.
I wrote and deleted this blog several times over the past few days, but I guess I might as well let everyone know that I’m prepared for the worst. I’d like to ask everyone to refuse to read it, but let’s be realistic. Some of it might be lies, but some of it might be truth, and that scares me most.
I’m really sorry.
I mentioned in my last blog post (which was back in December, omg!) that I have a couple of books being published this year! The first one came out on Monday!! It's called Inside Darkness and it's about a humanitarian aid worker struggling with PTSD and an Asian American journalist who encounters systemic racism. It's dark and gritty and angsty; the sex is fast but the emotions are slow burn (I stole that last part from a reviewer, hehe).
It's hard to believe that I am officially a Published Author (TM). There was no party, no cake, no one handing me a big cheque. Just some nice people sending me congratulations messages on social media and a friend took me out to lunch. From the outside, being an author looks so glamorous, but at the end of the day it's a job just like any other: finish one project and move on to the next! Still, I'm super proud of myself for having chased after this dream and having accomplished it. I have another book coming out in July and a couple where I'm waiting to hear from the publisher, and still more waiting to be written on my laptop.
Big thank you to everyone here who read my early stories and gave me such encouragement to keep going! I couldn't have done it without you!
If you would like more information about my book, you can find it on my website: http://www.hudsonlin.com/book/inside-darkness/
So, tomorrow is officially moving day. The U-Haul is parked in the driveway waiting to be loaded. Everything in the house, with the exception of my room, is packed in boxes. For some reason, I can't bring myself to pack my room. We're moving from the Dallas area to a small East Texas town called Rusk. It's about 3 hours away. I know absolutely nobody down there, with the exception of my 2 cousins and their wives. They are all very umm, let me try to explain. My cousin Justin, the younger of the two, broke his femur years ago when he was bucked off the bull he was attempting to ride. His wife, Rachel, teaches Ag (agriculture) for high school. My other cousin, Clay and his wife Melissa, along with his two step-kids, his adopted son, and their son together, whose name is Rodey Owen (pronounced road-e, go ahead and say it out loud) are going to my new neighbors. They always make me feel like the odd man out. They'll talk to me if I insert myself into their conversations, but they won't go out of their way to speak to me. Now, I'm practically related to about half the town we're moving to, but they're all my mom's cousin's kids and I think I might have met them for all of 5 minutes 35 years ago. The closest Walmart to where I'll be living is 15 miles away, and it's not even a Walmart Supercenter. For the next 6 months or so, we'll be living with my grandmother in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house, while our house is being built. Right next door. For major shopping, we'll have to drive about 40 miles to Tyler, where there's a mall. This isn't going to be fun. It's going to be hell. I'm a 41 year-old gay man moving to an area of Texas that isn't well known for its acceptance. I did actually tell my cousins I was gay. But, that was 22 years ago and we've not talked about it since. I'm not even sure their wives know for sure or not. I"m freaking out here I think. HELP!!!!
It's starting again.
I talked to my cousin over the weekend about what my Dad has been going through. And how my Dad is courting sobriety again. For the record, the longest my Dad has been sober has been two years, and that was when I was a child and my Mom threatened to leave him and take myself and sister with her. He threw out all the alcohol in the house.
Another time was when I was living in Atlanta, out of college and working at a bookstore. My Dad went through some of his worst years in Atlanta and one day I noticed he wasn't acting like his usual drunk surly self. I remember being so concerned about his shift in personality that I told my Mom I was worried he was going to commit suicide. She laughed a little and told me he had quit drinking. I don't remember how long that one lasted, but it wasn't long.
He quit temporarily when the tests for his heart came back. Once he saw that his heart issue remained despite not drinking, he started back up again.
Now here we are again. He always stops when he has a consequence for drinking, but then he inevitably starts back.
I wish I could be more supportive, but I just can't. I can't. It hurts too much. It hurts to see the man that my father could be. I love my Dad, my real Dad. He is charming, has a great sense of humor and is fun to talk to and hang around with. I can see the man my Mom fell in love with. I can see the man I would like to have in my life.
But he never stays. Eventually the drink wins and the drunk comes back. The drunk is mean, stupid, surly and hard to get along with. I remember looking at the drunk and wondering how on Earth I can be related to him.
My Dad came over this weekend to help me with some stuff around the house, hanging up some blinds, putting up some shelves, etc. It was...nice.
But I need to keep my distance. Need to. Because I can't get close to him only to lose him to the drink again. I can't stand it.