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  • Graeme

    2019 Anthology Theme Selection

    By Graeme

    It's time to start working out what themes we'll use for the 2019 anthologies!   A thread has been created in the Gay Authors Anthology forum to allow members to post their suggestions for next year's anthology themes. The detailed rules are in that thread, but in summary:   Each member can suggest up to five themes Each theme is to be no more than three words in length. Themes that exceed three words will be disqualified Do not use a theme that's already been used. Past anthology themes can be found here Only themes posted in the 2019 Anthology Theme Suggestion thread will be eligible. Please do not post your suggestions in this blog   You can post your suggestions up to the 7th September when the thread will automatically lock. Once it's locked, the themes will be collated and then we'll ask our authors to vote on which themes they would like for next year.   I look forward to seeing what everyone comes up with!
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  1. wildone
    Latest Entry

    By wildone,

    Well I am finally home after my 7734 km/4805 mile drive! Thank you Cia for helping me out last week.

     

    First off, are you like me and getting lots and lots of notifications? :unsure: Well even though we didn't have a Tech Tuesday, Myr showed us all how to authorize what we get notified on. Check it out here by clicking 'Read more...' on the big red bar on any page or via the announcement. Or just go check out the actual options to selection what you are getting notifications for, not just how often/how/when that appears UNDER the blue save button on the 'Notifications Settings' box by simply scrolling down a little farther on the page.  

     

     

    Monday, Cia introduced us to our August Can't Stop Reading Feature Story:

     

    Wednesday, Cia  rubbed two sticks together and came up with a new Blog feature for the day :P

     

    Friday, sorry about not getting the Author Prompts featured until later in the day 0:)

     

     

    Anthologies

    • 2018 Fall Anthology: Fight Back - Due Nov 15th
    • 2018 Fall Anthology: Good Intentions - Due Nov 15th

     

    Blog Opportunities

    • Story Critique: Open to all GA authors. Sign up here.

    • Ask An Author: Send your questions for your favorite authors to @Carlos Hazday (no questions = no Ask An Author)

    • Story Recommendations:  Open to all GA authors & readers. PM your recommendation and why you recommend it to a Site Admin.

     

    Premium Updates:

    Harbinger by Cia *Premium*

     

    Classic Updates:

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    I'm Worthless Because Nobody Likes Me by CarlHoliday; Book 2 of 319 Winesap Lane

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    Mojo by AC Benus

    Prompts? by CassieQ

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    Promising Updates:

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    ***Check out this GA Classic***

     

    For The Love

    by C James

     

    Chris grew up a loner in small-town Arizona, but things began to change for him when he started college. Sometimes for the better, but sometimes for the worse, and often with humor, the changes affect his life, as he sets for on the road of life, and towards finding the love of his life, with a lot of adventure along the way.

     

    Don't forget.... Read, Write, and REVIEW!!!

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    Recent Entries

    jamessavik
    Latest Entry

    I have had an extensive physical at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and am in great shape.

     

    I have been tested for all sorts of viruses and conditions and have none of  them.

     

    I am in great shape and will be an excellent stem cell donor for my brother- who has bone marrow cancer.

     

    We expect to give him the transplant around the 1st week of September.

     

    Since we are such a good match, that ups his chances for recovery considerably.

     

    This is excellent news for our family and, we're going out for a steak tonight. 

     

    I will be flying home in the morning.

  2. Wow, I guess it's been a month or twelve.

     

    So yeah, I actually had a minute to sit down at my PC and look over some of my old files and realized that I haven't written anything in almost a year (sigh). I guess now's as good a time as any to start moving again on my stories, since the wife and baby are out of town until Sunday.

     

    I can't honestly say that I don't know why I haven't been writing lately, but it's the same old shit.. work, school, family.... everyone gets it. The fact of the matter is that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write because I never take time for myself anymore, and I think I've burnt myself out, so to speak.

     

    That said, there's only one way that I know of to relax, and that's to sit down at my desk and either read or write. Preferably both, but if I had to choose right now, I think I'll write something. Not sure if it'll be good enough to post on my site here at GA, but if it is, I'll put it up.

     

    The End

  3. Right, I am somewhat in a dizzy miffed off mood today.

    So this one is a bit of a rant.

     

    There is something that I really just do not get! What is it about sex with a child????

     

    Right, sex is about giving pleasure and taking pleasure right? It is about enjoyment and climax and orgasm right?

    It's about love and lust and emotions.

    And you can get ANY of that from a bloody kid???

     

    Ian Watkins today pleaded guilty to a series of depraved child sex offences, including the attempted rape of a baby!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh for heavens sakes man. Come on! :(

     

    For those who don't have a clue who the hell Ian Watkins is, he is lead singer of the massive Indie Rock band The Lost Prophets.

    They are a South Wales band, and as I used to live down that way, I've seen then perform at several gigs and concerts and really love their music.

    The singer has always furiously denied the allegations which surfaced a few months ago in the wake of the whole Kiddy fiddling scandal that came to light when Jimmy Savile popped his cloggs.

     

    Now ok, the allure of youth I can understand to a degree. A young man in his teens can be remarkably good looking and have curves and shapes that are not worn down by time and over indulgence.

    But I am talking about a young man that's into the latter half of his teens.

    In the UK the age of consent set by those that have wisdom in these things is 16. Now exactly what that is meant to mean, I am not 100% sure.

    I guess, what they are trying to say is that by the age of 16, young people have some sort of understanding of what sex is and the fact that a whole load of emotions and feelings and all that other mumbo jumbo is tied up with it, even if they are not equipped or experienced to deal with it. So if they are going to get sexual, at least they are capable of some reason and sensibility.

     

    Look, kids are going to be kids. They will want to experiment and try it out and get into mischief. Bloody hell, I did it, and I am pretty sure most of you did too.

    We all did right?

    But, for the most part, we did it with someone we chose, most probably with a peer or friend within our own age group, and if it was with an older person, that decision was probably made at a time when we decided we really wanted to find out what all this sex stuff could feel like when done properly, and with someone who had experience.

     

    Am I being sensible when I say that this is normal, natural behaviour for a young person?

     

    To suggest that a child, one that has not even entered into sexual maturity, or let alone puberty is sexually active and desires a relationship with an older person??????????

    Sick.

    How do you get gratification for a kid that cannot even perform yet?

    OMG

    When I see people that I have looked up to and admired as celebrities and heroes abusing their position of trust and access, I feel really mad first and fore most, but completely disillusioned and let down. Why?

     

    Look, this has been going on for ages, I know. It is a very dark and dirty part of our world. It is something we know about, hear about, but never really want to discuss or think about, because let us be frank, it is appalling and sickening to think that young, beautiful children are subjected to this wickedness.

     

    So no one really says much.

     

    But, the worms are crawling out the woodwork here in the UK recently. The police are doing a lot to sort this. About bloody time.

     

    I just really needed to have a rant, and put my thoughts down on paper. I work in music, have always admired some of these people. How many times have I sung that song by Rolf Harris called Two Little Boys. It's even moved me to tears! Now, to find out he another of these men?

    Argh.

    We live in a sad world. I suppose that stuff like this has always been there, but now that it comes out into the public domain so easily! It hurts.

    Tell me, is there a limit to our depravity? Just let a kid be a kid for crying out loud. They have a whole life to grow up and get caught up in the shit that goes with the emotional roller coaster of sex. We all know this right? Our youth is a precious time, let the young enjoy and build treasured memories, ones like you and I have. Not stuff that they should NEVER have to be thinking about.

    Meh, enough said, rant over, but just really needed to get this crap off my chest today. Thanks for listening.

     

    Thought for today - "Virtue is bold and goodness never faithful." - William Shakespeare

  4. Arpeggio
    Latest Entry

    Unfortunately, I’m going to have to make a new email address which is a pain, but I just had to delete over 300 emails, all from the same guy: Stalker. My whole life practically comes through my email. My paypal, my contacts, my student loans, my bill receipts! On top of that, there’s a chance he will find out my new email, because I can’t really keep it a secret from everyone or I’ll be isolating myself, and I already feel like my life is as remote as possible. I understand that he’s mentally unstable and desperately needs help, but right now I hate him. I wish he would die in a car crash.

     

    I got a few emails from him that I was set on deleting, but I opened a few with the intentions of not replying, and he’s prepared to blackmail me by posting everything I ever confided with him about on all the sites I frequent, including GA, then he’d start telling everyone in my actual life all the same stuff. I felt like my stomach dropped to the floor because, like an idiot, I’ve told him a lot about myself. I trusted him at one point and I told him things that I have only told two other people: Chris and Jamie.

     

    The first thing I did was reach out to most of the admins, including GA, and they’ve been very understanding and supportive which I’m deeply moved by, but Stalker is hard to track down, block, and ban. I don’t even know what username he’s using on here, but if anyone has PMed you about me at all that seems suspicious, please relay it to an admin. I also reached out to my in laws and what family I have left and warned them about Stalker’s intentions, and most of them assured me that whatever he tried to tell them, it would not matter.

     

    But it does matter, TO ME, to the point where I’m having suicidal thoughts.

     

    I won’t give him what he wants, but I can’t stop him from posting anything. Just don’t judge me from what he says. I suffered from my addiction for a long time, and I have a lot of problems from it, and I’m deeply ashamed.

     

    I wrote and deleted this blog several times over the past few days, but I guess I might as well let everyone know that I’m prepared for the worst. I’d like to ask everyone to refuse to read it, but let’s be realistic. Some of it might be lies, but some of it might be truth, and that scares me most.

     

    I’m really sorry.  

  5. Yes, it has been forever and a day since I added anything to the blog. I feel like one of those co-workers who leaves the office for a new job and promises on their mother's grave they'll stay in touch. Then you only see them when lightning strikes and you're in the same place at the same time and you swear once again you'll stay in touch, but in reality you know the demands of your job will never allow for it.  That's a convoluted way of saying, sorry I've been so absent, but I've been crazy busy. 

     

    That said, I need to say thank you to GA and Caz Pedroso for nominating Chosen of Honorus for story of the month.  Chosen of Honorus was the precursor to The Last Grand Master - the first book in the Champion of the Gods series that DSP Publications is publishing. It was/is the book that jump started my publishing career.  I owe a big debt to GA for taking a chance on me and giving me the confidence to push out into the wide literary world. 

     

    There is a prequel to Chosen of Honorus First Love - that is available on the DSP Publications site or you can find a link on my website. If you sign up for my monthly newsletter, there is a link in one of the welcome emails as well.  If you want to sign up for my newsletter, you can use this link:

    http://GAAQGNewsletter.getresponsepages.com

    In addition, if you like Chosen of Honorus, there are now three more books in the series available from DSP Publication and the last book in the series will be released in 2018.  Books 1-3 are also on sale now through the end of April.  Here is a link to the sale page on my website:

     

    http://www.andrewqgordon.com/2017/03/champion-of-the-gods-sale-through-april-30-2017/

     

    Despite what I said above about being the co-worker who left, sometimes a little jolt reminds you of what you're missing. In my case, I realize how much I miss the people I met here. I think if I have time to socialize with fans on Facebook and Twitter, I can use some of that time to come here once a day too. I'm going to do my best to do that. That said, the new set up is going to take me some time to get used to so if I miss your comments, you can always email me - Andrew@andrewqgordon.com.  I'm usually very good at responding to emails. :) 

     

    Thank you all again. It's humbling and flattering to realize people haven't forgotten you. It's a very good feeling. 

     

    Best regards

     

    AQG

    PS In case you forgot what I look like or want to see a new picture of 'lil q (way more likely than wanting to see me) I'll post a few pictures in a few minutes. .


     

  6. Wow, with summer here in the Northern Hemisphere, we are definitely seeing a drop in people online.   Even I'm getting more sun. 

     

    I'm going to cut back on the number of blogs I'm doing for now and pick up again in the fall.  It'll give me more time to do these silly summer homeowner things I'm suddenly stuck with. lol.

     

     

     

  7. Once upon a time… That’s how these things start, right? The line that starts the whole story. After that, nothing else even matters but getting to the happily ever after. I used to think I could see mine, out there on the horizon, but each time I think I’ve got it in my sights, something happens that shows me differently.

     

     

    The settings and circumstances change, characters come and go, and there’s plenty of romance and drama to make it interesting. Even if you could predict how it ended, it’s so much fun to get there that you wouldn’t want to miss a thing, wouldn’t change a thing. And in the end, that’s what matters… that you lived and loved with your whole heart.

     

     

    No matter how much or how well I plan, no matter how much I might work toward it or want it, the truth is that happiness is elusive, evolving, ever-changing. It’s conditional and comprehensive and you haven’t got a chance at actually attaining it without perspective. It’s different for each person, without justification, and the same. We’re all searching for it.

     

     

    We pack up our hopes and dreams in our knapsacks, swing them over our shoulders, and head out into the great big world in search of it. Things happen on our quest, as they inevitably will, that make us change what we think will make us happy. Force us to examine our original plan or dream and decide if it’s still worth pursuing, if it’s still the thing that’s going to make us happy and whole.

     

     

    So often, people hit a wall, and instead of figuring out how to get over it or around it, they just turn around and go back the way they came. We justify it to ourselves, the giving up, by telling ourselves that we were mistaken, that we didn’t really want that after all. The truth is it was too much work to learn to climb the walls. It was easier to just walk away.

     

     

    That entire idea is absurd. Of course, we don’t know that then. Not only are we walking away from our dreams and our potential happiness, but we leave little pieces of ourselves behind every time we do. Living our lives as a fraction of our whole selves isn’t easy or conducive to finding the happily ever after we’ve been looking for. Worse, it’s actually more work in the long term to continually have to convince ourselves that we happily left those pieces behind.

     

     

    Sometimes, actually, a lot lately, I wonder how much one person can take before they give up. It’s been said that you’re only given as much as you can handle at one time. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I’ve been given an extraordinary amount. Definitely more than any one person’s fair share, then again, as I was often reminded as a child, life isn’t fair.

     

     

    My life has fallen apart so many times now that I’ve lost count. Not really, but I don’t like to recount them. It’s not a contest and no one knows the rules. Does the scoring work like golf or like bowling? Does the survivor of the worst situation win, or is it the person who never had to find a way to exist in spite of the worst happening?

     

     

    Being a party to the first group, having set aside my dreams repeatedly for the good of the cause, literally learning things the hard way, and learning to breathe with a broken heart makes a good case for the people in group number two. Still though, I wonder. In return for survival, I’ve earned an appreciation for making the most of each moment, for putting my whole heart and self into everything I do, being genuine, and the value of true happiness. That’s definitely got value, and it’s something the people in group number two will never have.

     

     

    Without perspective, and a heap of optimism, it’s fair to say that a lot of people who have suffered some upheaval in their lives miss the things they were supposed to learn at the time. And that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Learning the lessons, learning from the experiences, growing as a human being, and finding happiness. Not that it’s easy to remember that in the moment.

     

     

    Often it comes to us in flashes, tiny pieces of clarity and knowledge that we grab on to and use to pull ourselves out of the ugly hole of despair. It’s a slippery slope, and for some, it takes years and a Sherpa to find their way out. Even with a trail of breadcrumbs and trail signs, it’s one of the most difficult journeys a person will ever make. One would think the third or fourth, or even the fifth time, you’d know the way out, but it doesn’t work that way. No one ever said life was for the faint of heart.

     

     

    I rummaged through one drawer in my mom’s old, cherry wood jewelry box that sat atop my dresser before moving to another until I found it. It wasn’t in great shape when I pulled it out from amongst the old watches, the matching one I’d gotten for him a month later, and the shamrock pin I wear once a year. Tarnished and so scratched from years of wear, you could barely make out my name where it had been engraved on the front.

     

     

    Still, I turned it over and read the inscription on the back of the very first gift he’d ever given me. It was to celebrate my 16th birthday and our one month anniversary. An ID bracelet, simple and silver, with a message straight from a heart experiencing those first delirious moments when you fall so crazy in love for the first time.

     

     

    I wanted to wear it again, to remind me of what we once had, what we could have again, if he can find his way back to me. A reminder to soothe myself with hope when I’m so scared that we’ll never get it back, and because it’s the closest I’ve been to feeling his love in weeks.

     

     

    I squeezed a little toothpaste into my hand and rubbed it between my palms a second before cleaning the bracelet the best way I knew how in the absence of any silver polish and wondered if he’d even remember giving it to me, remember what it said. Eventually, I silently admitted to myself that I hoped it reminded him of what he’d promised me all those years ago.

     

     

    Forever yours. Love, Rich.

     

     

    Hours later, when I was serving dinner, our daughter, Annemarie, just weeks from turning sixteen herself, noticed it and asked, “What is that bracelet?”

     

     

    Unsure if I was relieved that she wasn’t complaining about the peas I was putting in front of her, or suddenly nervous that Rich had taken notice now also, I vaguely answered, “It’s mine. I’ve had it a while,” and handed Rich a plate of beef stroganoff that he eyed cautiously. He doesn’t like mushrooms or sour cream, but he’d have to actually speak to me to find out if it contained either. Instead, he just ate it.

     

     

    Like any typical teenage girl who is all wrapped up in her own life, she let it go, and in an effort not to let me down, went on to complain about the peas. It was a welcome piece of normalcy, something I could count on in the chaos that had become my life. Besides, I like peas and beef stroganoff.

     

     

    It’s equally horrifying and comforting to know where Rich and I were in our lives at her age, and knowing that she’s so far from that place. We were so sure at sixteen that we had it all figured out, or if not, that we’d conquer the world together. We’d show them, prove them all wrong. What the hell did we know?

     

     

    There are two types of people in this world. The type who crumble in the face of a crisis, who panic and act without thinking, who let their fear and their emotions control their behavior and decisions, and then there’s the other. These remaining people are the logical type. They keep their heads when times get tough, are always thinking their way through several scenarios until they find the best one, and easily separate their emotions from their thought process.

     

     

    That’s not to say that these logical thinkers don’t have emotional reactions to things. They certainly do, it would be inhuman not to. They just typically don’t act on them. As it turns out, intuition and emotional responses don’t usually lead us down the smoothest or the safest path. Certainly not the smartest.

     

     

    Typically, it’s the outbursts of anger, the confessions of love made with such bravado, and the feeling as if you’ve just had the wind knocked out of you leaving you with a horribly painful sadness where you would normally find oxygen that can create the biggest opportunities to make the worst moves. I would have said decisions, but to be decisive requires thought, consideration, and evaluation.

     

     

    Being a logical mind can be both a phenomenal power and a crippling weakness. To know that you’ll always know what to do and how to go about getting it done, to take things literally and to be able to count on that as a constant, and to feel the comfort that logic is your default setting can be immensely comforting in a world that changes faster than many of us can keep up with. Consequently, it makes it a major difficulty to let that default setting go and find enjoyment in basic things.

     

     

    Personally, I can’t make it through most cartoons. Even if I could overlook the fact that there are talking animals who can lift anvils that weigh twenty times their own body weight or drive cars along the ocean floor, what I cannot discount is that the responses those cartoon characters have to whatever circumstances they find themselves in, become moot, ridiculous, illogical.

     

     

    Instead of being entertaining, it’s frustrating. Possibly as frustrating as being the person on the couch next to me watching a movie or a TV show. Perhaps it comes from my depth of life experience, or because I’m a writer and a storyteller, or because, as logical as I am, I’m more in touch with my emotions and the emotions of those around me than most people, but whatever the reason, when I can predict the ending, most people would say there’s no point in watching anymore.

     

     

    I disagree, for it’s there, in that moment when we’ve connected with that character enough to know what will happen in their future, that we learn about ourselves. How would we act or feel in that situation? What would we do? What would our next move be? Little lessons and explorations that can be learned and taken without consequence. A free pass.

     

     

    Logical people watch everything, analyzing, organizing, forming patterns. They are supervisory and certain about what they feel is right or wrong. These people are easily adaptable and energetic, have a keen eye for details, and typically, a logical person is the decision maker. They are realists.

     

     

    I’m not sure anyone but a logical personality could understand what it feels like to be faced with a situation that is anything but logical. To be able to do nothing to make it right or organize it so it can be dealt with. To be the one not making the decisions. There are no ‘right’ answers; there are no ways to best this dragon. The only thing there is in bountiful quantities is a frightening feeling of helplessness.

     

     

    After 19 years, Rich has decided he's not in love with me anymore, started sleeping with a girl he works with, and has destroyed my dreams, my marriage, broken my heart, and crushed my children's entire existence with his selfishness.

     

    After 19 years, I've crossed more things off my 'I Never Want To Experience This' List than my bucket list. Here's one more: I'm getting divorced.

  8. This chapter is really hard to write for Book 2 of 0's and 1's, so I will share with readers its problem:

     

    I feel like I can't skip an important event, but if I write it, I am never going to hear the end of it.

     

    This will mark probably the darkest chapter I have ever written, maybe one of the darkest chapters on GA. I am making sure the guidelines are followed, nothing graphic or explicit, but the implication is more than enough with a dark imagination. And to top it all off, I have to make sure people know why it's needed for the future of the story and the future of the characters. This ain't gratuitous plot point, it's a revolutionary spark, a call to arms against an injustice that transcends LGBT fiction. It's something our society and many of us are guilty as indirect participants.

     

    I call this chapter by a nickname, "the Crucible".

     

    If this chapter gets completed, the rest of the story can follow, but it must be done right or nothing else after it will matter.

     

    Anyone who has any ideas, thoughts, or is just curious as to what I am doing, feel free to PM me.

  9. HI all.

     

    I figured I would let everyone know I'm still alive and functioning. Just been a bad year.

     

    I have managed to get some stories done. Luckily I did them early. This has been a year of things going boom. My car died. My computer dies. I became a full blown diabetic. I lost 70 pounds. I've been really sick, but I keep going.

     

    I do apologize for not being around. Hopefully things will get better in 2017.

     

    Wishing everyone all the best. Just know I'm thinking of you if not here.

     

    Wayne

  10. Matthew PazCastillo
    Latest Entry

    Hey,

     

    I wanted to let everyone know that my blog is moving, and can now be found at: http://www.geocities.com/matpazcas/

     

    I really enjoyed blogging here and I want to thank everyone at gayauthors.org and everyone who read my blog. :)

     

    Matt the Moderator

  11. Part I Here Goodbye, My Love, Part I

     

    When I wrote part one, I was at a critical juncture in my life. I had just come back a two month vacation in China and Thailand, which was very indulgent, to say the least. I was just beginning graduate school, and I was studying for a pre-licensing exam. Both doing well in grad school and passing that pre-exam were going to be my ticket to career success. I was partied out from my vacation, and determined to do as well as I could in school. A close family member was also dying, so I was traveling back home a lot of weekends. It made staying away from the scene pretty easy. I buckled down, spent hours every night after work and every Saturday and Sunday grinding away, doing work and studying for the exam. I didn't go out once in September, October, and half of November. I thought I had finally broken the grip the scene had held over my life for the totality of my post-college life. All I needed was an intense distraction that commanded my entire attention, and I had found it. 

     

    Then my pre-exam date was the next day, and even though I had been studying for two months, I was convinced I wouldn't pass. The morning of the test came, and after three and a half hours of exhausting mental gymnastics, I passed. Not only did I pass, I passed with flying colors. I was in such shocked elation that I couldn't even think. On the train ride home, I blasted music through my headphones and had the biggest smile on my face. As soon as I got back to my apartment, I went over to the Chinese takeout place and ordered enough food for three people, and ate it all. I was still riding the natural high of passing the test, and caught a train back downtown and went on a shopping spree of new clothes and shoes. I spent way too much money, but didn't care one bit. I called up some friends, and planned a little celebratory party at my apartment and then hitting the Gayborhood. We started around 5 in the afternoon and didn't stop till about 6 the next morning. It was like we were back to being the irresponsible, anything goes, who-gives-a-fuck group we were in our college days. It was all so over the top. It was as if all that pleasure I had been denying myself the last couple months came flooding out like a hurricane, and I had no desire to try and control it.

     

    After that night and coming to my senses when the mental high of freedom wore off, I realized how dangerous what I had been doing was. Since graduating college, my identity has been built around my "gayness", and the scene in particular. Growing up, I felt completely out of place and had zero sense of identity or belonging. In college, that transitioned into a sort of half-way in/half-way out mode. I had come out to close friends and started exploring some aspects of gay life, but the vast majority of my word was still lived in the sphere of 'straightness'. I felt comfortable enough, but still not entirely there yet. Then I moved to the city, and suddenly there was this huge, well-established gay community that one could live a pretty self-enclosed life in. I realized this was my chance to finally find that belonging and acceptance that I didn't get growing up. I dove head-first in, and for better or worse, became immersed in it. Clubbing and dancing became my outlet from working in a stressful job, and a way to connect and feel a part of the gay world. It was more to me then just something to do. It represented the ending of my coming out process and the completion of a search for belonging that began as a miserably depressed, fake-faced teenager. Simply quitting cold turkey as I did stripped me of something that had been such an identity marker. I tried telling myself through all those months that I was better off without it, but truth be told I craved it in the back of my mind. 

     

    I've gotten to the point now that I realize that going to either extreme is just not a good way to live. I went from a full-time party boy to a workaholic basically overnight. Because I'm a person who tends to operate at extreme ends, I thought the best solution was to do a total 180. As the night after the pre-exam showed, I really failed to control those extremes. When 2018 rolled around, I knew I needed to try and find some kind of balance. I needed to reconnect with the part of me that needed that social outlet that going out provided, but also balance it with the massive amount of time that grad school demanded. Going out every Friday/Saturday night till 4 in the morning wasn't going to fly, but neither would working 12 hour days and every weekend either. Admittedly I'm still far from perfect in this. Whenever I do too much of one thing, I sometimes tend to chastise myself by swinging far the other way. Finding some kind of agreeable middle ground is tough, because the two things seem to be so much at odd with each other. I guess I'll keep trying until it reaches equilibrium or eats me, whichever comes first. 

     

    Happy Pride!

     

     

  12. I like blogging. I like just sitting around and thinking or chatting about a topic. Writing out my thoughts is nice because it helps me frame them in a more concrete way. It's nice just doing it in my head, but it's more fun and more satisfying on a computer screen...not on a piece of paper, physically writing sucks. Typing is nice though. Anyway, over the years I've grown thoroughly attached to this site and its members and whatever else I'm doing in my life I still enjoy a place to just sit and thing, and type about it, so I figure it might as well be here.

     

    A few short updates about my life since I figure that's the least I can do before I ramble about inconsequential topics. The boyfriend and I are doing well, in exactly a week it'll be two years. Work is lovely this time of year. This is our slowest time of year, and since I work from home anyway, it mostly means that I can sit around all day doing whatever I like as long as I keep one eye and ear on my work computer. Not a prob smile.png

     

    I've been enjoying my hobbies quite a bit as well. It's very hard to avoid reading. Despite being a technophobe I opted to get an Amazon Kindle (I once started a thread on these in the Lobby when they first came out! :-P) as well as finally jumping on the Ipod wagon. So anyway, I adore the Kindle, strongly prefer it to physical books. I go through a couple of books a week, which is a lot for me given what a slow, methodical reader I tend to be. Interestingly though, I also tend to read more on the Ipod than I listen to music or do anything else. The graphics, browser, and interface are much better on the Ipod (which I think is called an Ipod Touch) than they are on the Kindle. Which is fine because I didn't want the Kindle to be flashy and distracting. I kind of want it to be only good for reading books (and buying new ones), because that's all I want to do on it. So I read the books on the Kindle, but I've found that "web reading" is so much better on the Ipod than it is on the Kindle or the computer screen. The thing I don't like about reading for hours on a laptop that you're stuck with this big, heavy, bulky thing. A tiny handheld reading device like the Kindle or Ipod (or *gasp* a real book) is way better to read on. So with its flashy browser capabilities the Ipod is ideal for handheld reading...but yeah I keep getting distracted with games, music, and the rest of the internet when I use it, so I'm glad the Kindle's there for more hardcore reading.

     

    Anyway all this reading has, unsurprisingly resparked my desire to write so I've taken that back up again. Unfortunately I have to admit that I don't really plan to post the stuff here. I'm hoping to attempt real life publishing and as a last result might try eBook publishing. In any case I don't intend to do it for years. I'm working on a series of books and I have no intention of publishing anything, or even showing it to anyone, until I have like the first four or five completely finished. That way I can make them as complicated as I would like since I can go back and add/remove things to all the previous stuff. I find that when I post online on a chapter by chapter basis, even if I'm pretty far ahead, I end up wishing I could change something, but it's too late (or at least feels too late) since it's already "out there." I'd really want to shoot myself if I had a great idea in book four that was being precluded by something I'd written in book one. So yeah, gonna wait and work a long time on these before they see the light of day.

     

    This winter has been surprisingly pleasant. One of the best ones I've had in years. I've been lazy and energetic, like I get every winter, but I've avoided the anhedonia and enveloping numbness this year. thumbsupsmileyanim.gif Granted, I haven't felt like going out and partying, but at least I've felt like staying in and reading and writing rather than being disinterested in everything and marking time till spring.

     

    The boyfriend and I have been living together about a year and a half now. Overall it's been remarkably smooth and pleasant. The main conflict comes from the fact that I'm a really tidy, organized person. I really am the sort of person who has a place for everything. I don't own any items that I leave in random places. What's more, I don't even acquire new items unless I can mentally figure out where I'll be keeping them. I definitely like for all items to go back to their designated places at the end of every use. The boyfriend on the other hand is the sort of person who picks something up, uses it, and then just puts it down wherever he happens to be. He'll think nothing of leaving the soy sauce sitting on the coffee table or at his desk indefinitely. That really doesn't work for me. I'm also the sort of person who won't even think about going to bed until everything is put away. Him on the other hand, when he gets tired that's it. Since I have to go to bed earlier than he does for work, that means that every morning I end up cleaning and tidying. Somehow I'm still always shocked by it too. My god! he left his half full glass of tea on the table next to saran wrap from something he opened! Somehow this just shocks me more than it annoys me. I couldn't have slept knowing it was out there if I were him.

     

    I'm also generally just a great deal more organized than he is. I got really ticked off last month because he just up and told me that we had to drop everything and go visit his mom for her birthday. I like his mom, I agree that it's important to visit family for special occasions. What annoyed me is that I had zero notice, and why? Not because he forgot to tell me (although he probably would have tongue.png), but because he forgot her birthday was coming up at all. He hadn't known at all until his dad texted him. That also meant of course that he didn't have a present, and although I tried to insist that we just go pick something up on the way, he refused because "he doesn't like to get things just to get them. It has to be something he knows the person will like" and he didn't have any ideas. Which is fine, quite thoughtful actually, but that ship had sailed and personally I would have rathered gotten something nice, but generic than shown up empty handed.

     

    Of course I'm not trying to make him sound bad or difficult to be with; he's certainly not. He's very thoughtful and agreeable. He's also quite a lot less set his ways than I am, and in all honesty he puts up with nagging, neurotic requests far better than I could put up with similar such things from someone like me. If he were as particular as I am about how things are done and where they go then we never could have put up with each other.

  13. Yikes, I can't believe it's been, like, 8 months since my last blog! It's amazing how quickly life passes by sometimes ...

     

    Anyway, since my last blog post, I closed on my new house, spent about a month dealing with contractors to completely renovate the whole place (quite the undertaking -- both in terms of the stress involved and the cost!) But, I'm all settled in and love it. The commute to work is awful, but living sort of out in the country is nice -- peaceful and quiet! Moving from a 600 sq. foot apartment to a 2,400 sq. foot house required me to buy lots of furniture and spend lots of time decorating. It's not all done yet (will it ever be?), but it's probably about 80% complete.

     

    Work is busy, busy, busy ... and more stressful than usual lately. When I get home in the evening, I just want to crash on the couch and watch television (or just pass out from exhaustion). But, it pays my mortgage, so I can't complain too much.

     

    On to more 'important' things, though ... Yes, I have started writing again. WISYA hasn't been 'speaking' to me lately, so I'm not sure at what point I'm going to pick it up again. I've 'tentatively' started a new serial novel, called "Home By Now" (unless I change). It's a bit on the 'dark' side, but I like how it's going so far. I at least want to complete a few chapters or more before I start posting, and I really have no clue when that will be, but progress (or something like progress) is at least happening ...

     

    Final note for the evening ... I'm now reading the 'Twilight' series for the third time, and saw 'New Moon' on opening weekend. For the longest time, I refused to read the books or see the movies, but I finally caved when I was bored one weekend, and now I'm hooked! No, Stephenie Meyer won't be winning any literary awards anytime soon, but there is something really captivating about the story ... and it doesn't hurt that Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are soooo dreamy! ;-)

     

    Anyway, that's it for now ... Hopefully I'll be back again soon ... :-)

     

    *Hugz*

    Buddha

  14. Gay Song Seven – “You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see”

     

    Note: for this series of postings, the term 'Gay Song' refers to music written to/for/by or about Gay men or women. A second category also deals with music identified as Gay because it speaks to the heart of the Gay Experience.

     

    So to make this easier, I will call them Gay in the 1st Degree (to/for/by/about), or Gay in the 2nd Degree (like Judy Garland singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow).

     

    ---

     

    This classic hit is both Gay in the 1st and 2nd degrees!

     

    By the 1930s, the popular black slang expression for having sex made its debut in songs. Alberta Hunter had a hit with My Castle’s Rockin’  (and yes, castle is slang for a part of the female anatomy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpOtXGFS4Gw), and later in 1938, Ella Fitzgerald released Rock it for Me, which cemented the sexual slang with a type of ‘swinging’ music (swing itself being another way to describe sex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmdVTJPbdTs).

     

    Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller’s 1957 Jailhouse Rock is one of the most explicit pop songs to ever deal with same-sex relations. If you don’t believe me, get a copy of the dictionary The Slanguage of Sex and you will see the lyrics positively bristle with a fun-loving tribute to what can go on behind bars.[1]

     

    At this point we should talk about a few things. For us, men dancing has become a provocative sight. Part of that is a cultural reaction to post-Stonewall resistance where men in love did not care if they were seen dancing together. In the knee-jerk oppressive straight world, it became an act of defiance to their rule of ‘order’ and a powerful tool to spread fear that it was taking over; in their dirty minds the image of men dancing equaled the sight of two guys having sex. However, in the 1950s it was considered harmless and cute. The evidence is abundant. In 1955, the Hollywood film Blackboard Jungle, fanning adult fears that teenagers were a dangerously criminal subset and out of control, opens with an incredibly sweet moment of ‘good boys’ dancing together in the schoolyard before classes started. Another strong piece of evidence is the music video made in 1957 to promote Elvis’ single release of Jailhouse Rock on television. This is attached below, and you can see it involves the inmates cutting a rug, including a tender face-touch after the lyrics "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see."

     

    Secondly, how were same-sex partnerships in prisons viewed at the time? Lucky for us, we have a firsthand account. Jonathan Ned Katz conducted an interview with one of the victims of the Boise Witch Hunt of 1955; it was an incident in which Gay teenagers were rounded up and imprisoned. The young man says this about being transferred to the State Penitentiary: “The captain of the yard was an old friend of my family’s. I’d know him all my life. The first thing he said to me was, ‘Now, just go out there and find yourself a jock, and settle down, so we don’t have any trouble with you.’ I said, ‘How am I going to settle down with somebody when I’m locked up in my cell twenty-four hours a day?’ He said, ‘Well, don’t worry about that right now.’” It turns out this family friend began working behind the scenes to arrange for a suitable protector for the young victim of homophobia. “[Four days later], as I was going through the chow line, I saw this gorgeous guy handing out silverware. You wore anything – they didn’t pay attention to how you dressed – and he was wearing a shirt that was completely open, with sleeves torn out. He had been a prizefighter. […] He said, ‘You got any magazines?’ ‘No,’ I answered. […] Later he brought me a big stack of magazines and shoved them in my cell. […] Before the month was out, Larry and I had found a way to become lovers.”[2]    

     

    So now that we know viewing men dancing was innocent at the time, and that same-sex partnerships were seen as good and stabilizing elements for prisoners, we can focus on the lyrics of Jailhouse Rock. Meant to pass as ‘straight’ to the uninitiated, it’s incredible just how many of the words are synonymous with sex among males. Here’s a small breakdown.

     

    Intercourse: wail, swing, rock, crash-boom-bang, nix (nicks; slang for the buttocks).

     

    Oral sex: sing, play, blowing, saxophone; trombone (references to the male member).  

     

    Purple has a well-known association with Gay men, so the song’s “Purple Gang” could simply mean the fellows dancing (having sex) with one another. In Slanguage, on page 155, appears this about another of the song’s lyrics, the word kicks: “sexual tastes; like the phrase ‘whatever turns you on.’ The meaning was immortalized in the pop song Route 66 by Chuck Berry – ‘Get your kicks on Route 66.’ The song was taken up by the Rolling Stones in the sixties and the meaning still survives. Compare with [get your] ROCKS OFF.”  

     

    So then going to page 230, the entry about getting your rocks off says: “likely derived from the U.S. black expression ‘rock and roll’ = sexual intercourse."

     

    As for Elvis himself, he was pretty open about liking the boys, that is until his career took off and his ‘people’ tried to keep him more discreet. After documenting the singer was not interested in sex with women (“preferring to watch TV and talk to his girlfriends”) Keith Stern goes on to say this about him: “In his 2003 book, Elvis: The Hollywood Years, author David Bret documented affairs with men, including actor Nick Adams. […] Elvis’ stepmother Dee Presley also refers to these [relationships] in her unpublished manuscript The Intimate Life and Death of Elvis.”[3]

     

    If you wish to investigate further, I’d point you in the direction of reading about the singer’s relationship with Dennis Hopper. The actor was just starting out in Hollywood and connected the singer with lots of out guys in town at that time, like James Dean. Hopper and Elvis stayed intimate friends until the singer’s death.

     

    Also see the released FBI file J. Edgar Hoover kept in his desk drawer on Presley. The incident when Elvis was in the Army and stationed in Germany is very telling. Namely that the soldier and his entourage had a local hairdresser coming on base and bringing young men to them for sex and other fun. The FBI was drawn in when the hairdresser began trying to blackmail the singer.

     

    The following link has the full lyrics for Jailhouse Rock

     

     

     

    So, what do you think?

     

     


    [1] The Slanguage of Sex by Brigid McConville and John Shearlaw, 1985 London.

    [2] Gay American History, 1976 New York, ps.179-180

    [3] Queers in History, 2009 Dallas, ps.369-370

     

  15. asamvav111
    Latest Entry

     

    Becoming Poets

     

    You and I, we have a strong bond
    Like brothers, like lovers;
    We disgust the world with our vain perversions,

    our inane attachment with the word and the seas of heresy

    part at our command revealing the shells of untruths hiding

    beneath the silt of social justice.
    Ecstasy beyond judgement is what we share

    in the binding fallacy of corporeal pain

    battling to win over the spirit.
    Our ascension begins at the alter of ego.
    Broken down pieces of the mirror of self-hate, we tread

    upon our steps to immortality. Morality, ethics, civility, higher power

    are all suspended in space as dwindling starlights, reaching us

    from the outer edges of cosmos.

    You and I, we have a strong bond.

    Like brothers, like lovers;

    We step over millions of corpses to reach the quintessential truth, the poesy of nature.

    21/03/17

     

     

    Paranoia

     

    When I see you talking to others I think of it as betrayal
    When I see you smiling with others I question if you are loyal
    When I see you moving on with life going roundabout your business
    I feel I have been left out from it all in order to hide your menace

    I know the wheels are turning
    I know the fires are burning out
    Emotions are condensing in big chunks of ice
    And soon it won't suffice to tell you that I love you,
    that the earth only blooms for you,
    that my breath begins & ends with you

    And soon you will leave me for the others who make you smile, who kiss
    you behind my back, smell your hair, bend you over to the road of infidelity
    And it drives me mad, mad like a ragging bull,
    Like a substance user craving his previous high
    I can't stand them making you smile

    One of these days I will tell them of your lies

    22/03/17

    ©asamvav111

  16. BoyNeedsTherapy
    Latest Entry

    Does anyone else get hiccups a lot? I seem to get them a lot and I can't figure out why...I just hiccuped my way through some toast and it just makes eating seem like a lot of hard work...*sigh* back to the essay. It's so close to done, I almost just want to hand it in right now, even though it's incomplete so I can then come home and take a nap...

     

    Also, my friend that I've not spoken to for like a year after we had an arguement and stuff should have got the package I sent her today... :( I hope she doesn't hate me...

  17. Davey
    Latest Entry

     

    ...Update time

     

    I found out today that:

     

    My Dad has cancer.

     

    My Mum is a basket case.

     

    We're moving for the fourth time in 12 months.

     

    Chris is an ass, but I love him.

     

    and to top off a great day I bruised my ass.

     

    Thats all.

     

     

  18. joann414
    Latest Entry

    In the early 70's, my family moved to Mississippi from Louisiana. I was enrolled into a military school to begin my high school years. At 14 and being a female it was quite terrifying. My first day to attend classes, I was as lost as a student during his first day on a college campus. The school I was going too also had boarding students and their dorms. It was a new world to me.

     

    I'll never forget the first break of my first day. I sat on a bench alone pretending to be absorbed in a book. Someone plopped down beside me and said, "Hi, I'm Sandra Faye, but everyone calls me Sandi." That was the beginning of the first true friendship I ever had. We spent nights with each other during the week, all our weekends together and weeks on end during the summers between our high school years. We had our first drink together, double dated on our first date and she taught me how to smoke a cigarette.

     

    My family moved back to Louisiana the end of the summer before my senior year. It didn't affect our friendship in the least. I still came back to Mississippi at least one weekend out of every month. We kept in contact almost daily. Even when I went away to college in North Louisiana, we still kept in touch. She was already working in a NAPA auto store. When I turned 20, I moved back to Mississippi and moved in with her. We both worked in the parts store for a year before I met my first husband and moved out from her house. My first husband and I visited with them a lot since we lived within 20 miles of her and her boyfriend, later to be jusband. My marriage only lasted 13 months..

     

    I was her Maid of Honor in her wedding and played the piano at her sister's wedding. I even spent two Christmases with her family instead of my own because they were like a second family to me. My parents would come to their house on Christmas Day to see me. When I met my second husband, which is who I'm married to now, once again, we were apart. She and her husband moved about an hour away. We both had baby girls and kept in contact on a daily basis.

     

    After three years of marriage, Jimmy and I separated for about six months. My daughter and I moved in with Sandi and her daughter. (She was separated from her husband also.) We were like extended family. When my husband and I worked out our differences, I moved back home and she and I kept in contact but since we both now worked time consuming jobs, we had less contact. But every year, on my birthday she called early in the morning. She never missed one. We'd meet for lunch every once in awhile when one of us was in the other's home town at the time.

     

    Her dad died a couple of years ago and I attended the funeral. She and I found time to visit and it was as if we'd never been apart. She was the sister I chose for myself.

     

    I could write a book here and not even tell a third of our history together. Sadness, happiness, mischief, but friendship beyond all friendship.

     

    Sandi died of a massive heart attack yesterday. Her younger sister made sure that I got word of her death this morning. I'm shocked and heartbroken by the news. The part of me that was connected to her is shaken beyond repair at this moment. Hoping that writing this would give my heart a much needed breath of relief, I'm finding it even heavier and I know it'll stay that way for days to come. Her friendship is one that'll never be replaced. To me she'll always be that sweet little red-headed teen that plopped down beside me on that bench that day when I felt so alone and offered me the gift of her friendship.

     

    Rest in peace my friend. An angel has been added to the heavens.

  19. Thanks to those of you who have sent me e-mails, pms, or otherwise showed concern as to where the fuck I’ve been. To answer the first, most obvious question: I’m fine. Life has its challenges, and I have mine, but there’s nothing there that’s debilitating.

     

    There are three major areas of my life that can impact my writing. My health/wellbeing is obviously one of those, but as I’ve said, that’s pretty good. The next one is the relative level of activity in my life, and I’ve had an awful lot to do. This looks to be a pretty active year for me. To do what Will does to JP, that means I’m busy. J The combined forces of work, home stuff, research, etc. are a bit crushing right now.

     

    The third factor is my muse, or ability/desire to write. For some reason, that has temporarily left me. When I’m busy, but still want to write, I usually find time to do it, but my production fades. In this case, I really haven’t wanted to do much writing, so with the added pressures of real life, I’ve let my online life sort of drift unattended. And I’m finding that there’s really no fighting the relative apathy that envelopes me when I’m in this mode.

     

    In the past, this has happened when I’m in a conundrum about a story, but I have a very clear idea of how I want to proceed with both of my series. With CAP, I have an idea of how I plan to end “Streak” and the initial parts and premise of the next story is already forming in my mind. With Bridgemont, it’s a bit more open-ended, but I have some pivotal events in store.

     

    I’ve been feeling a bit more motivated lately, and I’ve actually done a little writing, but I’ve spent more time reading than anything, and that includes going back over my recent stories for reference. Spring Break approaches, so I hope that in the next month or so I’ll be productive again.

     

    I really do appreciate all of you who read my stories and give me feedback, and I feel bad for leaving you in a lurch. At the same time, I know that you’ll understand life’s pressures, and how a perfect storm like this can really impact my writing.

  20. JSmith
    Latest Entry

    Nine years. I've been a part of GA for just shy of a decade. I've seen it grow from only a few forums and some scattered author websites to a community of thousands of people across the world with millions of visitors every month. I was member 937 to join the site. GA is now approaching the 25,000th member. I joined this site on a random Wednesday and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. The people I've met through this site have guided me and made me who I am today and I couldn't be more thankful. Without them, who knows where I would be.

     

    From the first core group of regular chatters, I was hooked. Viv, Snowdog, Myr, Robert, Lugh, Nate, Krista, Vic, and so many more that I can't even list. They were there to listen to me bitch about high school homework, my first crush on a boy, getting my drivers license, my first relationship and subsequent breakup, graduating college, moving across the country God knows how many times... they were there to listen to me and help me through it. They gave me advice when I needed it and told me to grow a pair and man up when I needed that too. Meeting up with them in San Francisco and Dallas was a blast, but having them guide me through some of the roughest parts of my life was more than I could ever ask for.

     

    I will be officially stepping down in all areas across the site. I will no longer be a moderator, admin, or board member for the parent company. It's been an amazing nine years, but I can no longer hold up my end of the workload and need to part ways to allow someone else to grow with the site as much as I have. The growth this site has seen is nothing compared to what else will become of it. The teams running everything behind the scenes are dedicated to making this site the best possible place for everyone when it comes to gay fiction stories, and I have no doubt it'll continue to grow for many years to come.

     

    Without trying to sound like I'm accepting an award of some sort, I'd just like to thank everyone on the site that has made it what it is and made me who I am. I'm truly grateful for all of the conversations and guidance you've all given me throughout the years. I'll still be around from time to time and may even take a stab at writing some more, but for the most part, this is my final goodbye to Gay Authors. It's been a great journey, but it's time for me to move on with my life and see what else awaits.

     

    Good luck to everyone on the site. I hope you find happiness and gain as much from being a part of this community as I have.

     

    Joe

  21. So, I would imagine that many members here wont remember who I am.  i've not been active for a while because... well, life gets in the way sometimes doesn't it?

     

    8 Years ago last week, I started a relationship right here on GA.  I met Paya right here, and our friendship blossomed into something more.  I was in the UK, he was in the Czech Republic. We had a long distance relationship for 2 years, before finally moving to London together 6 years ago.

     

    This is just a quick stop by to where it all began, to announce that yesterday - We got Married.  Yes, another GA wedding.

     

    We were lucky enough that our friends from GA, Bleu and Jian, were at our ceremony as guests - I told them they were our GA ambassadors for the day.

     

    Now... not to rush away, but a honeymoon awaits.

     

    All the best.

     

    West

  22. Razor
    Latest Entry

    So I'll start by explaining yesterday, which exemplifies why I often lose all faith in people, lol. Liz's ex, Pete, came to stay with us for a couple days. The reason for this is that their mutual friend is the Romanian guy, Adrian, who once hit on me while he was incredibly inebriated in that thick accent of his, proclaiming "Motherf**ker! My parents hate me! I want to f**k you!" Most awkwardly hilarious thing that's ever happened with a guy, just sayin'. :P

     

    Adrian jumped in front of an eighteen-wheeler recently. Being that they're two of the people that knew him the best and cared about him the most (at least supposedly on Pete's part), it would be natural that Liz would want him around while she's trying to make some sort of peace with the fact that he's gone, forever.

     

    Pete is the ex that broke Liz's windshield and her ribs. This happened a good while back, but it still made me want to hate him immediately. However, Liz asked me to be nice and not kill him and stuff him down the garbage disposal piece by tiny piece, so I decided that I wouldn't. I did, however, consume copious amounts of alcohol because it is the most incredible social lubricant in the world, and makes even people I loathe almost tolerable.

     

    So, whilst we consumed a case of beer (which was sort of disappointing considering as how I couldn't seem to drink fast enough while he talked, lol), he spewed on and on about how much he was still in love with Liz, and wished so bad that he hadn't f**ked it all up, and that he regrets it every day and is certain he'll never feel the same way about anyone else. He even wrote her this long letter that he left for her; he read it to me, and it was all I could do to refrain from running over and deleting it and rewriting it, because Pete is an awful writer. Seriously, how can the sky cry pollinated tears? Pollinated? Did you mean polluted? Because I think perhaps you're so polluted that you got the words mixed up, jackass.

     

    Anyway, so at the time I just really felt sorry for him, because he'd been trying so hard to be really nice to me, and I started to think that maybe he wasn't such a horrid human being after all, so I started being genuinely nice back. Then he starts talking about wanting to kill himself. I spent a couple hours playing therapist, pointing out reasons he should be alive, and pointing out things about he and Liz that he's not perceptive enough to catch. I remained mostly neutral on the issue of he and Liz getting back together, because I was still wary of that. Seriously, who wouldn't be knowing that he smashed her car AND her? Well, after playing therapist, I was a little buzzed and very tired from not sleeping much the night before, so I went to take a nap.

     

    I wake up at about ten that night to Pete, Shannon, Jillian, Dustin, and Nick coming in my door. My initial reaction is one of being invaded; this is my HOME, just who the hell said all of you could barge in here, especially while I'm trying to get some decent sleep? That went away, but then Shannon said something about my job hunting and my reaction was that she was being demeaning about my failure to be gainfully employed yet. Then, I realized she isn't either, and I felt better because it means that it's the pot calling the kettle black. Dustin told me I "look a lot bigger than when I saw you last". Thanks for noticing that I gained back fifteen to twenty pounds, you insensitive bastard. Now I won't eat for two weeks. I then check my text messages and realize that the reason they all showed up is that Pete supposedly tried some method of committing suicide and they all came up here to get him and take him back to H-burg, thankfully. Liz finally gets back, and looks at me weird, then looks at Pete, and then back at me. She wouldn't tell me what she was looking so weirded out about, that is, until they finally all had the courtesy to vacate my f**king house with the crazy bastard in tow.

     

    Liz then informed me that Pete told her a lot of things she thought were very, very fishy. He said that we had been talking about her, suicide, and various shit; true. He then said that I told him he should just go ahead and kill himself; what the f**k?! He also stated that I revealed to him that I didn't intend to ever get a job, pay rent, and intended to mooch off of Liz indefinitely. Okay, what the hell, because Liz has already tried to tell me I don't have to help her with rent and bills but I refuse not to since I'm living here indefinitely with her, even if she did pick this place because it's maintainable if/when I leave. I am seething mad, because it's a great example of what people tend to do to me constantly for whatever reason. They act sweet, caring, and friendly to my face, then mercilessly rip me apart behind my back. Then they show up and pretend to be my friend.

     

    If he ever shows up to my house again, I'm calling the cops and telling them he came after me and I had to stab him to keep him off me. Lie for a lie, bitch, and you DO NOT mess with the best friend I've ever had in my life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Today was productive. I woke up, and cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom because Liz had been talking about cleaning (even though not much was really dirty). Today she didn't have to go in until four, and she's been working like fifteen hour days. Thus, I figured that if I cleaned everything incredibly thoroughly, like so much so that anything conceivable would only be re-cleaning, then she wouldn't be able to waste her half a day off working her ass off for no good reason, and she would relax. I was semi-right. She got up and was productive, but she did things for herself specifically, like clean her car and wash some of her clothes (which I also would've done if I'd had quarters, lol).

     

    After that, I set out job hunting hardcore. I've applied at several places, and lots in the mall. I'm almost certain I have a job at a cookie store; the lady liked my shiny happy demeanor, and said the only thing is that I'd have to not have my eyebrow ring in while working since it's a kid-friendly place and we live in MS. :P The Underground seemed interested since I told the guy I really can work however much they want, whenever they want. A lady at the pizza place was so sweet to me. She said she wasn't hiring for a while, that she was sorry, but that I should check with customer service because there was a list of places hiring and the positions they need. I was thrilled at this, and got to go through a big notebook of possible job opportunities after I thanked this woman profusely and hopped over to the customer service desk.

     

    Now, I am scheming. Bigtime. I looked at two jobs in specific that I would KILL for, but I don't exactly meet what they want as far as experience goes. The one I really, really want is at Sleep Number, the place that sells beds, as a sales rep. They say that I should have a year or two of sales experience with big ticket (over 100 bucks) items, and any other qualifications would be a serious plus, like managerial or retail experience. To apply, all I need do is e-mail a copy of my resume to the owner. Tomorrow I will be calling in favors from all of the business owners/managers/professionals I know. I am certain that a few at least would help me bend the truth a little to make it sound more tailored to what Sleep Number is looking for in a sales rep. The others will at least be very convincing references; who doesn't find doctors or lawyers or managers of theatres or business owners a bit convincing? My first boss would gladly make it sound like I was at least a shift manager and handled a lot of responsibility, even if only in foodservice. Liz, who manages a restaurant, would gladly tell them what a hard worker I am (which is true). My mother I'm sure I could convince to make it sound like I handled customers for insurance, which I think counts as a big ticket item; I couldn't convince them I was ever an agent and it would be stupid to try, but I could make it sound like I was the person who pre-handled them, helping them decide what kind of insurance exactly they needed and was best for their situation. My friend Robin could vouch for some managerial experience since we ran a successful and popular website together, and make it sound like we gave tips on and assisted people on a personal level with bettering their writing skills. I might could talk my friend Bennie, who manages a FedEx, to help me out in some way, at least be a character reference. Long story short, NO, I'm NOT actually qualified in the way they want me to be, but damn it, I WOULD SELL BEDS, lol. That's really not that hard, especially when a big part of my clientele will likely be middle-aged to older women draggin' in their hubbies; women, especially lil old ladies, tend to really like me. I was also a psych major, so I have a good deal of experience and education dealing with people and figuring them out on a personal level, which I think is a huge plus for a sales position. I really want this job; it comes with health/dental/life insurance, a 401k plan, discounted merchandise (hey, my family and friends might need a bed sometime), and salary PLUS commissions. I really will do whatever it takes to fudge up a passable resume and do my damndest to charm the hell out of whoever interviews me.

     

    Another job along the same lines is an assistant manager position at Buckle. They want someone with managerial experience, which is where Debbie would really come in handy, because she would totally claim me as a shift manager or something like that. It's also the type of job where it's not a cold throw-in thing; I'd work with the full manager, learn what they expect, help direct and maximize sales, and all that jazz. It also comes with benefits, and I do like the sound of a 40% discount on all merchandise. Yeah I know, right, it's like friggin' half off, lol. My only real worry with this job is that I'm not skinny, pretty, and fashionable enough. I would so work my ass off for it, though, lol.

     

    I'm convinced that if I play this just right, and get the right people to back me up, I can pull it off. I know that with the sales rep job, I could learn very quickly and do well enough that they wouldn't fire me immediately at least. The assistant manager position at Buckle is trickier, but the way they worded what they were looking for and job expectations, I'm sure that I could learn fast enough to look like I'm just adjusting to working as an assistant manager in retail as opposed to foodservice, especially if the full manager is going to be helping me learn what they expect my responsibilities to be specifically.

     

    I need this break so bad. I would be okay working at the cookie place, and if these two don't go through at all, then it'll be okay. But guys, I would feel so much better about life knowing I had a truly decent job as opposed to a really low-level foodservice job. I would have insurance, and not have to worry about the next time I get bronchitis or when I go get my meds having to cough up 110 bucks. With a 401k, I would feel more secure. With salary, I would know I would make money, and with commissions, I'd be constantly motivated to do my best at my job and sell every mofo that walks in a bed. I could pay rent, pay off my credit card, pay off my computer, all that. I could actually get my mom something decent the next time her birthday or Mother's Day rolls around instead of calling and being like "I love you, but I'm a destitute dropout failure who can't afford to even get you Wal-Mart jewelry". And the really big one... I could get a car.

     

    Wish me luck, please, and if you have ANY ideas or advice, PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me. I could use all the help I can get with this, and I'd be forever grateful regardless of outcome. :)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I was reading this silly book of quotes, but I picked out some that I actually kinda like. Feel free to stop reading here, because from here on I'm just listing the quotes, and I know this was a crazy long entry already. :)

     

    People don't just go to work to acquire, they go to work to become. -Dan Zadra

     

    Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is. It is her shadow. -Ambrose Bierce

     

    Give me a place to stand, and I will move the earth. -Archimedes

     

    When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity. -John F. Kennedy

     

    I do not know the secret of success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. -Bill Cosby

     

    Knowing others is wisdom; knowing yourself is enlightenment; mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. -Lao-Tzu

     

    The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. -Vi Putnam

     

    One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. -Henry Brooks Adams

     

    When you were born you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice. -Ancient saying from India

     

    Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. -Dwight D. Eisenhower

     

    We have not inherited the earth from our fathers, we are borrowing it from our children. -Native American proverb (it reminded me of Liz, hehe)

     

    Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. -Alexis Carrel

     

    If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of Heaven and Earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

     

    We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -Mother Theresa

     

    No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. -Agnus De Mille

     

    When you do right, people will look at you and say 'atta boy. When you do wrong, people will look at you and say ah shit. Always remember it takes at least three 'atta boys to make up for one ah shit. -Only good piece of advice my sperm-donor ever gave me

     

    Might as well just let the wind blow. -My Pepaw's words to my mother while my dad ranted about something stupid

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