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    February Classic Author Feature: It Stays in Vegas by Jack Scribe

    By Cia

    February is short and often gone before we know it. Jack Scribe is an author that many readers from GA will miss as well. But we still have some of his stories to enjoy, including his Las Vegas Trilogy. If you're in the US, you're probably ready for some sunshine and heat, so enjoy this first story in the series, It Stays in Vegas!      Length: 48,027 Description: NOVEL. Drew is an ambitious, young manager at a Las Vegas casino resort who becomes smitten with an arriving guest. Danger lurks as their friendship grows. Book 1 of the Vegas trilogy.   A Reader said:  I really am enjoying this!!! ~ Gene63   If you want to spread the word about Jack Scribe's story, download the graphic below and add it to your signature! Make sure you come back on Wednesday to see the excerpt I chose to share!
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Our community blogs

  1. Recent events started me thinking. I have made many good friends online, both here at GA and elsewhere. I would worry if one of them went missing with no warning or explanation.

     

    When SkinnyDragon found about his prognosis, he took the time, something he had precious little of, to fill us in.

     

    I am one of those super organized people. After having to make the arrangements for both my parents, then my father in law, I decided that was something I didn't want my loved ones to have to deal with. When I got a diagnosis of cancer, one of the things I did was a visit to our families choice of funeral directors. We discussed what I wanted and put it all in a file "just in case".

     

    My family is well aware of my membership here, but some would prefer to keep GA a more private part of their life. While speaking with Hugh, (yes we are on a first name basis, we have known each other since highschool) he asked what I thought at the time an odd question, if there were anyone my family might not know about that I would want notified in the event of my death. After discussing it, I gave him the info he needed to get to GA and one of the things he will do when the time comes is post a notice here.

     

    Please friends, consider including info on contacting us in your "when I am gone" stuff. If you are in a position where you would prefer your family not know, reach out to someone you trust. It gives me peace of mind knowing I will not just go poof. 

  2. AceKebabs
    Latest Entry

    So, I was fumbling through my stuff, looking for the chip for a wireless mouse for my sister's new laptop when I stumbled upon loads of books I had when I was a 16 year old sausage. 

     

    One was filled with prototypes of my story Bffs with the occational weird fairytale-esque stories with talking cats and an angry little prince on rooftops escapades.

     

    But one book hit the feels real hard. 

     

    I had kept one notebook filled with my inner feelings and angry thoughts;of those one would expect to see in a teen. The angry verses and hateful phrases were based on the struggles that my family and I experienced some time ago (tho most of my struggles were OF my family). Every page was filled with curses and thoughts of death to all mankind with the occasional sarcastic praise to God's cruel game. At first, I thought it was funny, then disturbing and then it really hit me hard.

     

    The book was completely filled; with only a few more empty pages left. The last entry states my complaint on my seemingly lazy and useless siblings needing the most affection and attention. 

     

    With the last few pages left I thought I'd fill for the last time, my thoughts. But this time, instead of angry rants, I drew my conclusion. I simply hushed my former self and assured her that for all the years passed, things have finally gotten better. I assured her that she was capable of loving her family and that now, almost 6 years later, she does; and they her. And assured her that now she is working on a better future and is living comfortably with nice pretty things. I told her that she could now lay her anger to rest and she no longer have the need to despise God. All is well, and hopefully, the future will stay bright. I was finally able to sign the page with my true initials. I was at peace. 

     

  3. Around four pm, mini-cat became restless. She wandered around the house and followed me everywhere. Then around ten, she had her first contractions. The first kitten, a large black and white, was born at 11:15. Sadly Alpha was dead by the time it was finally born.

    The second (Bravo) came an hour later. It was barely alive and we quickly cut the umbilical cord and rubbed it dry with a towel. For a short time, we thought we would lose it too, but it got stronger when we fed it with dry milk for kitten. Whew!

    The third, Charlie, and fourth, Delta, came really quick. We had to cut the umbilical cord and rub it dry because mini-cat was busy with giving birth. After Delta mini-cat and her kitten went to sleep in one of three very cozy cardboard boxes and we slept on the couch beside her. You never know...

    Around three am I woke up because Nox barked in the next room. He was thirsty. When we looked at mommy and the babies, we found a fifth baby, Echo, lying before the box, crying pitifully. Obviously, mini-cat secretly had another one and left it outside because the others started crying. So, once again, cutting the umbilical cord, rubbing it dry and back to mommy.

    All is well so far, they are drinking and sleeping and mommy only leaves them to eat and drink. So cute.

    We hope it stays well and nothing more happens. Fingers crossed.

     

    I woke up this morning and Echo was really bad. On the way to the vet, but it doesn't look good.

  4. asamvav111
    Latest Entry

     

    Becoming Poets

     

    You and I, we have a strong bond
    Like brothers, like lovers;
    We disgust the world with our vain perversions,

    our inane attachment with the word and the seas of heresy

    part at our command revealing the shells of untruths hiding

    beneath the silt of social justice.
    Ecstasy beyond judgement is what we share

    in the binding fallacy of corporeal pain

    battling to win over the spirit.
    Our ascension begins at the alter of ego.
    Broken down pieces of the mirror of self-hate, we tread

    upon our steps to immortality. Morality, ethics, civility, higher power

    are all suspended in space as dwindling starlights, reaching us

    from the outer edges of cosmos.

    You and I, we have a strong bond.

    Like brothers, like lovers;

    We step over millions of corpses to reach the quintessential truth, the poesy of nature.

    21/03/17

     

     

    Paranoia

     

    When I see you talking to others I think of it as betrayal
    When I see you smiling with others I question if you are loyal
    When I see you moving on with life going roundabout your business
    I feel I have been left out from it all in order to hide your menace

    I know the wheels are turning
    I know the fires are burning out
    Emotions are condensing in big chunks of ice
    And soon it won't suffice to tell you that I love you,
    that the earth only blooms for you,
    that my breath begins & ends with you

    And soon you will leave me for the others who make you smile, who kiss
    you behind my back, smell your hair, bend you over to the road of infidelity
    And it drives me mad, mad like a ragging bull,
    Like a substance user craving his previous high
    I can't stand them making you smile

    One of these days I will tell them of your lies

    22/03/17

    ©asamvav111

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    A song I like - and so it was also the first greek song I tried to sing in my favorite Greek restaurant. There exists a much different version in english, more like a nonsense /fun kids song.

     

     

    italian.gif english.gif hebrew.gif polish.gif german.gif turkish.gif turkish.gif french.gif english.gif greek.gif
    Στίχοι: Νίκος Γκάτσος
    Μουσική: Μάνος Χατζιδάκις
    Πρώτη εκτέλεση: Αλίκη Καγιαλόγλου

     

    Άλλες ερμηνείες:
    Βασίλης Λέκκας
    Μάριος Φραγκούλης
    Μαρία Φαραντούρη
    Αλκίνοος Ιωαννίδης
    Μανώλης Μητσιάς
    Σαββίνα Γιαννάτου

     

    Ακούστε την ιστορία του Κεμάλ
    ενός νεαρού πρίγκιπα, της ανατολής
    απόγονου του Σεβάχ του θαλασσινού,
    που νόμισε ότι μπορεί να αλλάξει τον κόσμο.
    αλλά πικρές οι βουλές του Αλλάχ
    και σκοτεινές οι ψυχές των ανθρώπων.

     

    Στης Ανατολής τα μέρη μια φορά και ένα καιρό
    ήταν άδειο το κεμέρι, μουχλιασμένο το νερό
    στη Μοσσούλη, τη Βασσόρα, στην παλιά τη χουρμαδιά
    πικραμένα κλαίνε τώρα της ερήμου τα παιδιά.

     

    Κι ένας νέος από σόι και γενιά βασιλική
    αγροικάει το μοιρολόι και τραβάει κατά εκεί.
    τον κοιτάν οι Βεδουίνοι με ματιά λυπητερή
    κι όρκο στον Αλλάχ τους δίνει, πως θ’ αλλάξουν οι καιροί.

     

    Σαν ακούσαν οι αρχόντοι του παιδιού την αφοβιά
    ξεκινάν με λύκου δόντι και με λιονταριού προβιά
    απ’ τον Τίγρη στον Ευφράτη, απ’ τη γη στον ουρανό
    κυνηγάν τον αποστάτη να τον πιάσουν ζωντανό.

     

    Πέφτουν πάνω του τα στίφη, σαν ακράτητα σκυλιά
    και τον πάνε στο χαλίφη να του βάλει την θηλιά
    μαύρο μέλι μαύρο γάλα ήπιε εκείνο το πρωί
    πριν αφήσει στην κρεμάλα τη στερνή του την πνοή.

     

    Με δύο γέρικες καμήλες μ’ ένα κόκκινο φαρί
    στου παράδεισου τις πύλες ο προφήτης καρτερεί.
    πάνε τώρα χέρι χέρι κι είναι γύρω συννεφιά
    μα της Δαμασκού τ’ αστέρι τους κρατούσε συντροφιά.

     

    Σ’ ένα μήνα σ’ ένα χρόνο βλέπουν μπρος τους τον Αλλάχ
    που από τον ψηλό του θρόνο λέει στον άμυαλο Σεβάχ:
    «νικημένο μου ξεφτέρι δεν αλλάζουν οι καιροί,
    με φωτιά και με μαχαίρι πάντα ο κόσμος προχωρεί»

     

    Καληνύχτα Κεμάλ, αυτός ο κόσμος δε θα αλλάξει ποτέ
    Καληνύχτα...
    english.gif
    Lyrics: Nikos Ykatsos
    Music: Manos Hatzidakis
    First version: Aliki Kayialoylou

     

    Other versions:
    Vasilis Lekkas
    Marios Fraykoulis
    Maria Farantouri
    Alkinoos Ioannidis
    Manolis Mitsias
    Savvina Yiannatou

     

    Hark to the story of Kemal
    a young prince of the East
    descendant of Sinbad the Sailor
    who thought he could change the world.
    But bitter is the will of Allah
    and dark the souls of men.

     

    In the lands of the East once upon a time
    the purse was empty and the water stale.
    In Mosul* and Bushehr* on the old coconut tree
    the children of the desert now cry bitter tears.

     

    And a young man of an old and royal line
    hears the lament and grows near.
    the Bedouins** look at him sadly
    and he gives them an oath in Allah's name, that times will change.

     

    When the lords heard of the lad's fearlessness
    they set out with wolf's teeth and lion's skin
    from Tigris*** to Euphrates***, from the earth to the heavens
    they hunt for the deserter, to capture him alive.

     

    The horde descends upon him like rabid dogs
    and takes him to the Caliph to place the noose [on his neck]
    black honey and black milk he drank that morning
    before he breathed his last on the gallows.

     

    The Prophet**** awaits before the Gates of Heaven
    with two elderly camels and a red horse.
    They now go hand in hand and it's cloudy
    but the star of Damascus kept them company.

     

    In a month and a year they see Allah before them
    and from his high throne he says to the simple Sinbad:
    "my beaten smart-aleck, times do not change,
    the world always moves on by fire and blades"

     

    Goodnight Kemal, this world will never change.
    Goodnight...

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    toronto-1298016_640.jpg

     

    Today Timothy M. reviews GA Author Diogenes' story, "About Carl" for our Gay Story Reviews blog site. He says, "The story takes you on the sad, but also beautiful and believable journey through Mark’s life..." Read more of his thoughts on the story in the review on GSR!

  5.  

    Watched this really amazing documentary on Netflix last night. I’m sometimes struck by how men who have spent so much time embedded in a war zone can afterward convey this sense of utter calm and inner peace even in the face of huge life obstacles. Nayyef conveys that sensibility in interview clips in this documentary, no matter whether his post-war life is despairing or joyful.

     

    This documentary brings us an example of steadfast love between these two men through years of hardships. Although I was certainly aware of the taboo and dangers of homosexuality in Iraq, I didn’t realize until watching this film that the executions of gay men are largely carried out by civilians. As Btoo and Nayyef explain, there is no need for the government to act when civilians are all too ready to rid the country of the “problem.” All the government need do is nothing - do nothing to the executioners so as to allow the murders to continue.

     

    The journey of these two men is quite extraordinary to watch and it is certainly touching to witness their reunion at the film’s end. It also put another real story to the impact and importance of the legalization of gay marriage. Although never pointed out in the film, because their commitment ceremony occurred in a natural timeline for them, the fact remains that it was only two months after marriage had been legalized in the U.S. What could be more like living a fairy tale than that to two boys who grew up gay in Iraq?

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    A.J.
    Latest Entry

    I found this site initially back in 2004. I'd read a story on Nifty and an author said new chapters would first be posted here. I didn't join until 8 years later in 2012. Must have had other things on my mind like college and guys. I was only a member about 4 months before I joined the staff. I've really enjoyed being a staff member and serving in a number of roles the last 4 years. I've met some amazing people, built lifelong friendships, shed many tears at the loss of beloved members, and hopefully helped countless members and authors enjoy their experience here.

     

    Lately I've had a lot less time to spend on the site. I've been trying to get my life back together for years now. As many of you know I struggle with anxiety and depression, which has only gotten worse the last several years. It's far easier for me to sit at home and interact with a website, than to force myself to go out and enjoy life. I decided in November that it was time to step down as an administrator and time to get serious about my future. I gave myself almost two months to make sure that this was the right decision for me, so today I'm announcing publicly that I'm resigning as an administrator.

     

    The other site administrators have been amazingly supportive of my decision. They've seen first hand my struggles over the years and have shown me nothing but love and support. I'm honored to call them friends. I'm not vanishing entirely from the site, but I'll no longer be involved in administration or moderation functions after today.

     

    In closing, I'd like to quote JSmith's resignation letter from a few years ago. I read it again today and one line really stuck out to me: "It's been a great journey, but it's time for me to move on with my life and see what else awaits."

     

    All the best to each of you. It's time for me to see what else is out there.

     

    A.J.

  6. *Posted With Permission*

     

    Happy New Year Everyone

     

    In the later part of 2016 I decided to self-publish my story Help! My Lover’s an Alien. I did a few corrections, and fixed a couple of consistency errors. Then, I added it to Amazon Paperback and Kindle (including KU) and as they wouldn’t let me post it for free I am giving all the money I receive from sales to a charity called Stonewall that supports LGBTQ youths in the UK and abroad. The current total is over £20 raised.

     

    Please note, the story hasn’t been changed or expanded, this is not an ad trying to get you to buy anything.

     

    But, I have a paperback copy of the book to giveaway to a GA member. I wanted to give something back to all the wonderful people on this site.

     

    Here is a bit about the story –

     

    51zA0PD5pUL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

     

    Blurb:

     

    Lor is an Elite Guard for his planet's ambassador, and they’re heading for Earth. He is not looking for his mate, but, when they arrive he finds him. What should he do? How does an alien court a human?

     

    Dillon is a trainer for the military. All he wants is a man to love him for who he is. That's not too much to ask, is it?

     

    Can two men from different species make a lasting relationship work?

     

    **This is a story written for the Goodreads MM Romance Group, Love is an Open Road, DRitC Event**

     

    As Amazon will not allow me to list this book for free all royalties will go to charities that support LBGT causes.

     

    Additional Details.

     

    Paperback: 154 pages

     

    Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (25 Aug. 2016)

     

    Language: English

     

    ISBN-10: 1523448911

     

    ISBN-13: 978-1523448913

     

    Product Dimensions: 15.2 x 1 x 22.9 cm

     

    A special thanks go to:

     

    Cannd – For her wonderfull beta reading

     

    alishead – For her great editing, and for her patience in answering my questionsmost of which usually started with, why?

     

    The Giveaway

     

    All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning a paperback copy of this story is tell me:

     

    What would you do if you met a real alien?

     


    Terms and conditions

     

    Entrants must be over eighteen due to book content.

     

    Only one entry per person.

     

    This competition is open worldwide.

     

    You need to be willing to email me your address for me to send the book. Your details will not be used for any other purpose and will be deleted after receipt of the book is confirmed.

     

    As already stated I have asked for and received permission from the site admin to post this contest.

     

    The contest will end at midnight (GMT) Sunday 8th January 2017 and the winner will be announced on Monday 9th.

     

    Thank you

  7. The previews before Moana included one for Monster Truck. It's a simple premise really--monster trucks, with real monsters in them. B figured if that's all it took to get a movie greenlit, he aught to make a go of it himself. I'm not going to discourage him. If they can make a kids' movie about tentacle monsters getting freaky with 4x4s, then who am I to judge?

     

    But, I should have known how the drive home would go...

     

    "Hey, I have another story idea for you--monster trucks that have real monsters in them. But they're also gay. You may need to work in some kind of hook for your audience. Maybe the drivers are all werewolves, who are also gay."

     

    And if that wasn't bad enough....

     

    "Remember that one weird story you were telling me about where the one guy has a hemipenes?* Well, some trucks have hemis, so...."

     

    So, keep a lookout for my next story, Must Love Trucks, an m/m/t** tale about a cute little twink who struggles with his affections for a hunky truck-driving alpha werewolf and the monster under his hood. Vroom, vroom!

     

    (Still trying to figure out how to work in that hemipenes, though.)

     

    *Yes, there is a m/m shifter erotica in which the bottom has two cocks. Don't ask me how that works.
    **male/male/truck

  8. blog-0763594001482873607.jpg

    I found a cute story today called "Paper Walls", by KD, a new author here at GA. The story was first post back in early fall, but it just caught my eye today. I read the first 11 posted chapters and I fell in love with it. It centers around a fifteen year old adopted football prodigy from Russia whose adopted dad is a coaching legend of Texas High Football, himself. KD does an awesome job of bringing his characters alive and leaves you wanting more. If fact, the chapters could be longer, but KD doesn't short change you in the content department.

     

    I don't do this too often, but I highly recommend this story to all.

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    I was in a great relationship for a number of years however it went from good to worse My Ex Saskue I will call him because he likes naruto I do as well. Any way back on topic. I was 16 he was 15 we were both in high school and we didn't notice each other till I told people I was bisexual, a few people know I am How ever to this day my family is the hard part. Any way we met At yughio I'm serious people who read this will think that's funny but ya that's how me and Saskue met Going on we started to hang out and it went from there his foster mom hated me lilatry we hid our relationship from her but she found out and issues arose and it went from there I always told her the truth I tried to be on her good side but he also lied to her about us as well, I guess that what made her not trust me I will never know for she passed away in 2014 I think I could be wrong. Also She refused to believe he was gay at the the time he was bisexual, a few years in to our relationship he then stated that. We lasted four full years then another four in the 11 years we have know each other The first four were fine with ups and downs but the last four just say bitter. I still have feelings for him but not as much as I did back when I was younger we came back into contact after not talking for a year or so - what's weird we have others since then but I recently got ill over the holidays and he cares still for me even though we put each other through hell and I mean that literally from fighting to stealing to blackmail Any way The fact is I still like him he made me feel safe and when others buillied me he stood up for me I haven't asked him since if he still has feelings for me but it's hard when two different personalities crash with each other. Since 2006 I've been in five different relationships and most of them could have turned out different. I want others to know don't take what you have before it's too late. As of 2012 I've been in a relationship based online and i don't know what to do with it. I love the guy I haven't met him but we have talked via Facebook n Skype plus texting as well He lives in the states while I live in Canada I don't know how to deal any more I want to met but money is issue for both of us I don't know any more I'm a guy that falls in love easy and easy to get along with. The reason I feel for Saskue is we had a lot in common isn't that what makes a relationship to work out My point is to those people who fall in love easy make sure you know what you are getting in to and hopefully the right guy

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    I really didn't want to ruin anyone's festivities, so I thought I write it down. Be warned, I'm going to whine a little. Or a lot.

     

    I'm really down today, all 3 kids are sick, I have a sinusitis and can't breathe at all through my nose.
    My daughter (8yo) didn't want the presents she got. They pretend to get the gifts form the Baby Jesus, so I can't say, we would maybe buy something more expensive, but we can't afford it and we don't want to spoil them either.
    Everybody is posting perfect pictures from the perfect family and the perfect dinner. I didn't manage to cook, we ordered all food, even the sweets.
    I got a cool tool set from him, I like it very much. Very ladylike :-P
    _vyrn_271.jpg
    The gift for hubby didn't arrive on time, I had to improvise, I bought him socks. Can you imagine?
    I'm depressed, I mean really, I checked twice that I took my meds, I quess tis the season for having a relapse :-(
    Speaking of seasons:
    a93b624f786f351bd9bca80174554d14.jpg

  9. skinnydragon
    Latest Entry

    First, I’m sorry if I caused any trouble on GA. That was never my intention.

     

    No one wants to read about another person’s illness, so I’ll make this brief.
    Last Tuesday morning I went to our emergency room due to strong abdominal pains. After a scan, the ER doctor told me I have stage 4 pancreatic cancer; it had already spread to my abdomen wall and into my liver. I’m a realist, and there is only one prognosis – which is obvious. It’s just a matter of how long.

     

    The rest of the week was spent in a larger hospital on a ‘medical campus.’ During that time, I was mostly doped up and out of it. Only when I got home did my friends find and old laptop and connect it to our internet.
    I check into the ‘cancer hospital’ of that medical campus on Wednesday morning for a final test and hopefully a realistic appraisal of how much time I have left. It’s the only question that means anything, yet is the one they don’t want to answer. I guess it interferes with their sales pitch or something.

     

    I always thought cancer was something I didn’t have to worry about until I was older, especially this one. But it seems when you’re younger it is more common for it to be discovered in late stages because your body is strong enough to hide any symptoms.

     

    I can only write when I’m in pain. Then I take my knockout drop and fade away. This blog entry was written in Word, over five cycles so I could post it now.

     

    Thanks for all the good wishes sent my way, and thank-you to AC, who takes friendships seriously. OK, that's all I can write right now.

  10. blog-0284976001481449077.jpg

    My name is Valentine Davis. Even though I have been a member of Gay Authors since October I consider myself to be a rookie. I always believed that writing was the hardest part of being an author but actually writing a book isn't really that hard, the editing process is. It's also the most painful. You spend so long working on your baby and helping it grow and develop into this wonderful masterpiece and then people critique it and you go from :*) to :/.

     

    Even though I'm from Indiana (I'm currently living in Columbus, Indiana and I fucking hate it :angry:) I've always felt that California was my real home. My mom and I moved in with my great uncles Brian and Butch (my real name is Brian and I am named after my uncle Brian) San Diego when I was three. My mom went to a community college there. When I was six we moved to Berkeley where she was a student at UC Berkeley. Scientist say that 3-6 is the age range where we develop the most-I could be wrong but if so I don't want to know because I'm a narcissist and don't like to be told I'm wrong-and I spent those years in California. It plays a huge part into who I am.

     

    It was in California at the age of six, that I started to learn how to write. I started writing about Scooby Doo and Dragon Ball Z (I had a crush on Gohan and Piccolo and which there was more fan fiction on them as a couple) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My mom would edit my stories for me and I would take them to school so happy. And of course it hurt my feelings that no one else gave a shit.

     

    My mom and I moved back to the mid west when I was nine and my life has been a downward spiral since. One of my big dreams is to move back to California, particularly the Bay Area. When I was in the fourth grade I started reading Stephen King and Anne Rice. I once got into an argument with my fifth grade home room teacher for reading Queen of the Damned. She said it had a bad cuss word in the title. I was trying to explain to her that the word Damned in the title wasn't the same thing has cursing at someone when they make you made or taking the Lord's name in vain. I figured surely that she would understand being an English teacher and all, but she wasn't having it. So I'm also a book worm, so sue me. :read:

     

    I recently just published my novel Immortui: Volume 1 through Createspace, an online company through Amazon. For all of you authors on here it is a great company to publish your novel through. You can publish everything for free and do it yourself, even convert it to eBook format for free or you can pay for professional services. I did everything myself including the editing and cover so as you can imagine it's a little on the rough side. I'm hoping some day once I get some money I can make a revised edition.

     

    Have a good evening y'all

     

    Oh and one more thing, you can also find me on Goodreads and Facebook.

  11. Tiger
    Latest Entry

    My stepdad was diagnosed with cancer back in September. He passed away a couple hours ago.

  12. HI all.

     

    I figured I would let everyone know I'm still alive and functioning. Just been a bad year.

     

    I have managed to get some stories done. Luckily I did them early. This has been a year of things going boom. My car died. My computer dies. I became a full blown diabetic. I lost 70 pounds. I've been really sick, but I keep going.

     

    I do apologize for not being around. Hopefully things will get better in 2017.

     

    Wishing everyone all the best. Just know I'm thinking of you if not here.

     

    Wayne

  13. blog-0049141001480604487.jpeg

    A fairly effective film about the early days of AIDS from its discovery through the political machinations of its progress through the 1980s.

     

     

    A story every young gay man and woman should know.

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    I apologize in advance for the length.

     

    Those of you old, old timers will remember me. Who could forget me? When I joined GA in 2005, I had been lurking for months and posting as a guest (to think that this site once allowed guests to post in the forum). It took probably a year for me to "out" myself by saying that I was married and had been for almost 9 years. I was apparent to me and everyone I talked to about it that I was miserable. Not just because my sexuality (defined by fundamental desire and not ability to enjoy and perform sexual acts) was inconsistent with my being married to a female (the only legal choice for me at the time), but because my relationship with my wife was, well, crap. As time went on, her behavior toward me got worse (i'm putting a pleasant spin on this for reasons that will become clear) and our relationship fell apart.

     

    The worst part of our relationship occurred when gainful employment lead us to move to Virginia. One day, I realized that it was quicker, easier, and cheaper to buy a hand gun and shoot yourself in the Commonwealth than it was to get counseling for severe depression. Being that I'm not stupid, and didn't really want to die, I took that as a sign that I needed meds and counseling. I got both. With the medicinal support and after talking it over with my counselor, I decided to separate from my wife (not legally, but I could barely stand to be in the same room with her). During the separation, we went to marriage counseling ... oh, I should point out that I still had not told my wife about my sexuality, but with events that had happened years earlier she absolutely knew that I wasn't "completely straight", but hell, she wasn't either. In addition to marriage counseling, her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Strange thing, when you know you are dying soon, you start confessing your 'sins' as a way of absolving your soul and clearing your feelings of guilt. Her mother informed her that, as a child, she was diagnosed with what would now be called high functioning autism. At the time, autism and anything that looked vaguely like autism was blamed on the parents, particularly the mother. Out of either shame or arrogant parenting her father focused on forcing her to "act normal" and her mother did everything she could to stay with her and try to teach her how to speak and act "normal".

     

    Funny as it seems, this revelation made all of our communication problems make sense. In counseling we learned to change the way we talked with each other. It was different that the normal changes we had been working on for over a year. Conversations that would end in an argument became less confrontational as I stopped listening to what she was saying and focused on what it seemed she was trying to say. It was like taking active listening to the level of a farce. Ultimately, I decided to get back together. Bottom line, I have always loved her, and I always will. Often having someone smarter than you are provides mental stimulation that is more appealing than sex. Some people here were a bit upset (yet another understatement) that I made this decision. I had been an open book here, and many knew what I was going through.

     

    Shortly after that, another job change occurred and we moved back to sunny California. Two months after moving back to CA I made the biggest mistake a closeted, married gay man can do. I forgot to clean the cache history on the browser after visiting this site. Not only did she see the site, but read enough of my posts to have the obvious, understandable, and not pleasant reaction. Was I brave? ... no, did I stand up for myself and put all the cards on the table? ... no. I simply walled off part of myself. Ultimately, I explained that almost all of what she read was written during the hard times of our separation and that she knew I wasn't "completely straight". Bottom line, I had a choice, GA or my marriage. I chose my marriage. I immediately went into disaster mode and deleted my entire blog and had the one anthology story I had written removed from the system. I changed my name and the password to this account as well as my login email account. I chose passwords that could only be described as strong by current standards, ones that I could not remember. I put the login info into a file and used the strongest encryption algorithm I could find to seal them away with a password I would remember. I won't burn a bridge, but I will wall off the entrance quite well.

     

    Bottom line we worked it out. Yes, I would lurk here on occasion to read a few stories (I hope you get back to writing soon Mark), but for the most part, I moved on. From what we eventually learned was reactions to two different medications she was on, she ended up in ICU on at least 5 different occasions over a 5 year period ending about a year ago. She had multiple organ failure and 3 of those times involved sepsis. Two of the times she ended up on a ventilator for over a week. Once we identified the culprits (took a couple of years between them) with the help of some very dedicated doctors, the problems simply disappeared. In addition, her thinking had improved and she was coming back physically. After years of what I can only describe as constant fear (again, an understatement), we had hope and were planning on what to do with ourselves now that the medical stuff seemed mostly in the past. The years of medical hell had seen the birth of 3 granddaughters.

     

    4 weeks ago she came to bed and 10 minutes later she woke up screaming and threw herself out of bed, curled up on the floor and said that her head hurt. She started vomiting and used those fateful words "I have the worst headache I have ever had". I called 911, I'd done it before. By the time the paramedics arrived, she had almost lost consciousness. Sadly, I had seen this before (other than the headache part), I had thought we were past this. Since I knew I would be gone for at least half the day, I walked the dog and then went to the ER. When I got there, the most awesome ER doctor I have ever met was treating her. He wanted to get a CT scan on her as soon as possible. As I have done in the past, I counted her pain medication before I left for the hospital, she hadn't taken any extra. I did, however, explain to the doctor her medical history and informed him that I always count her meds before coming to the ER. He was actually relieved that she had been intubated before because she wasn't stable to transport to the CT scan, he was afraid she would crash in the elevator. As he was putting in the orders for intubation she stated vomiting and began aspirating (again, not the first time). I have never seen the staff of an emergency room respond as fast as they did, except on TV. I quickly got my ass out of the curtain area and seated near the nursing station where I could watch, again, not my first rodeo. I knew she was in good hands and I was just upset that this was happening again with the full knowledge that all would probably be fine in the end.

     

    The intubation went as well as could be expected and the xray showed proper placement. The problem was she wasn't oxygenating properly, her pulse was extremely high, and her blood pressure was, well, lets just say I had never heard of blood pressure being that high. While the doctor was concerned about the pulse and BP, he was more concerned about oxygenation. A quick blood gas showed she had too much carbon dioxide in her blood. Once they fixed that, her oxygenation was fine. As the doctor told me he expected, her BP and pulse started to fall. He sent her off for her CT scan and I went to get some food. The whole thing took 6 hours and it was morning and I needed food and coffee.

     

    I had just finished my breakfast when I got a call from the doctor to come back to the ER. She had a massive cerebral hemorrhage, and the neurosurgeon had examined her, but she had "no signs of neurologic function". They couldn't tell me she was brain dead because that is a medical/legal diagnosis that requires much more formal examination and testing than they had done. What is simply meant is that the was no medical justification to perform emergency brain surgery because there was no sign that her brain was alive. Mark Arbour once called me a "fucking Vulcan". I'm a physicist because that is how my brain works. As I was processing what I was hearing, the doctor brought up the films of the current CT scan and one from 18 months ago. He showed me the comparison slice by slice of her current scan and the old one. All I can say is that having your skull fill with blood from a bleeding vessel does more obvious damage to one's brain than you can image. At that point I didn't need the medical/legal confirmation, I understood. She was dead.

     

    The rest of the story is just me falling apart, agreeing to organ donation and hopefully she can save 4 other lives. The typical phone calls, cremation, Celebration of Life get together. More falling apart ...

     

    Bottom line, promises I made no longer matter. GA was always a safe place to be, however my fucked up mind wanted to be. Although many of the people I know are gone, there are new people to take their place. The new people are, I'm sure, no less fun or supportive than the old ones. To the old ones who are still here ... I'm not quite the same as I was, and I never will be. I still don't know if I am honorable or an asshole, if I am giving or selfish, probably all of them, and more. All I know is that right now, it still hurts. I ignore it when it lets me, I wade through it and experience it when it wants me to. I'm not trying to direct my path through grief, but I'm not avoiding it either. In the end, I don't think you ever understand what love is until it is take away with no warning and nobody to blame.

     

    Snow Dog
    Dr. Mr. Snow Dog
    Snowy
    Snoop
    whatever else people have called me

     

    P.S. I have been given permission by the appropriate authorities to have my deleted Anthology story republished as part of the special anthology. The sad part is, that it was written during the bad time of my marriage and I don't paint my wife in the best light (again, an understatement)

     

    P.P.S. How fucking shameless to promote an Anthology story in a posting where you talk about your wife dying ...

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    0rYrWli.jpg




    Various Artists with textures by Brian Eno and the main theme by Samuel Barber


    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    1. Adagio For Strings - Samuel Barber (Main Theme)
    2. Under Stars II – Brian Eno (Drifting through the Spirit World)
    3. In A Lifetime – Clannad (The Residual Haunting)
    4. Childhood – Michael Jackson (Christopher’s Lament)
    5. The Secret Place – Brian Eno (Horror in the Haunted Alley)
    6. The Bridge of Tears – Clannad (Christopher Meets Simon)
    7. Is There A Ghost? – Band of Horses (Father Malachi and the Little Boy Lost)
    8. Matta – Brian Eno (The Umbereth)
    9. To Wish For Impossible Things – The Cure (Christopher’s Haunting Moan)
    10. Wax and Wane – Cocteau Twins (The Book of the Damned)
    11. Signals – Brian Eno (Going to Church)
    12. Plainsong – The Cure (Fear of Angels)
    13. Ghosts – Japan (Existential Crisis of a Ghost)
    14. Hawks Do Not Share – The Devils (The Bloodstain)
    15. The Twilight Garden – The Cure (Daydreams of Heaven)
    16. At Night – The Cure (Detective Cummings and The Night Of…)
    17. 2 Late – The Cure (Simon’s Fateful Decision)
    18. One Hundred Years – The Cure (Spirit War)
    19. Tomorrow, Wendy – Concrete Blonde (Lies and then Someone You Love Dies)
    20. Cold – The Cure (The Darkening of Christopher)
    21. Under Stars II - Icebreaker (The Angel of Death)
    22. In Our Angelhood – Cocteau Twins (Earning Your Wings)
    23. A Chain of Flowers – The Cure (Father Malachi Grieves)
    24. My Tears Are Becoming A Sea – M38 (A Guardian’s Work)
    25. The Funeral Party – Jesu (Requiem for the Beloved)
    26. The Ghost In You – Psychedelic Furs (Lovers in Spirit)
    27. To The Sky – The Cure (Going Into The Light)
    28. Agnus Dei (A choral refrain for Barber’s Adagio) – David Hill and the Westminster Choir (The Final Adagio)


    ~~~~~~~

    1. Adagio For Strings - Samuel Barber (Main Theme)
    ~~~
    Sorowful Overture
    ~~~

    2. Under Stars II – Brian Eno (Drifting through the Spirit World)
    ~~~
    Mysterious Ambient Texture and refrain for the mystery of the Spirit World
    ~~~

    3. In A Lifetime – Clannad (The Residual Haunting)
    ~~~
    Hard to tell
    Or recognize a sign
    To see me through
    A warning sign
    First the thunder
    Satisfied, if the past it will not lie
    Then the storm
    Torn asunder
    The future you and I get blown away
    In the storm

    In a lifetime

    And as the rain it falls
    Begin again, as the storm breaks through
    Heavy in my heart
    Believe the light in you
    So the light shines in you
    Without color, faded and worn
    Torn asunder in the storm
    Unless the sound has faded from your soul
    Unless it disappears
    First the thunder
    Selfish storm
    Then the storm
    Hold on the inside
    Torn asunder
    One life
    In the storm

    In a lifetime
    In a lifetime
    ~~~

    4. Childhood – Michael Jackson (Christopher’s Lament)
    ~~~
    Have you seen my Childhood?

    I'm searching for the world that I come from
    'Cause I've been looking around
    In the lost and found of my heart
    No one understands me
    They view it as such strange eccentricities
    'Cause I keep kidding around
    Like a child, but pardon me
    People say I'm not okay
    'Cause I love such elementary things
    It's been my fate to compensate,
    For the Childhood
    I've never known

    Have you seen my Childhood?

    I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
    Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
    Of conquest and kings on the throne
    Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
    Look within your heart then ask,

    Have you seen my Childhood?

    People say I'm strange that way
    'Cause I love such elementary things,
    It's been my fate to compensate,
    For the Childhood I've never known

    Have you seen my Childhood?

    I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
    Like fantastical stories to share
    The dreams I would dare, watch me fly
    Before you judge me, try hard to love me
    The painful youth I've had

    Have you seen my Childhood?
    ~~~

    5. The Secret Place – Brian Eno (Horror in the Haunted Alley)
    ~~~
    Dark and chilling Ambient Texture
    ~~~

    6. The Bridge of Tears – Clannad (Christopher Meets Simon)
    ~~~
    Lyrics
    The mist has cleared from Muckish Hill
    Our parting coming nearer
    The last embrace, the final touch
    With nothing more to say
    Nothing more to say

    As silence fell around the bridge
    Not a single word was spoken
    A bitter breeze, a lonely stream
    Echoed through the Glen
    Echoed through the Glen

    Droichead na ndeor
    Agus droichead na gcaointe
    Droichead na gcaointe
    Agus droichead na ndeor

    Memories fade with passing age
    In forlorn hope we wait for
    Distant hills still haunt us now
    Until the end of time
    Until the end of time

    Droichead na ndeor
    Agus droichead na gcaointe
    Droichead na gcaointe
    Agus droichead na ndeor

    Droichead na ndeor
    Agus droichead na gcaointe
    Droichead na gcaointe
    Agus droichead na ndeor
    ~~~

    7. Is There A Ghost? – Band of Horses (Father Malachi and the Little Boy Lost)
    ~~~
    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep

    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?

    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep

    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?
    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?

    My house

    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep

    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?
    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?
    My house

    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep
    I could sleep

    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?
    When I lived alone
    Is there a ghost in my house?

    My house
    ~~~

    8. Matta – Brian Eno (The Umbereth)
    ~~~
    Frighteningly dark ambient texture
    ~~~

    9. To Wish For Impossible Things – The Cure (Christopher’s Haunting Moan)
    ~~~
    Remember how it used to be
    When the sun would fill up the sky
    Remember how we used to feel
    Those days would never end
    Those days would never end
    Remember how it used to be
    When the stars would fill the sky
    Remember how we used to dream
    Those nights would never end
    Those nights would never end

    It was the sweetness of your skin
    It was the hope of all we might have been
    That fills me with the hope to wish
    Impossible things

    But now the sun shines cold
    And all the sky is grey
    The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
    And all I wish
    Is gone away
    All I wish
    Is gone away

    All I wish
    Is gone away
    ~~~

    10. Wax and Wane – Cocteau Twins (The Book of the Damned)
    ~~~
    Carrying prose
    Broke my real friend
    The devil bites dirty, we wax and we wane

    The devil bites dirty, we wax and wane

    Licking our wounds
    The devil bites dirty
    Reckoning we'll taste
    We wax and we wane

    The devil bite's dirty, we wax and wane

    Caring is a bury gin shot
    The devil bites dirty
    Up to the wee wanes

    Oh, we laugh in their faces

    The devil bites dirty, we wax and wane
    ~~~

    11. Signals – Brian Eno (Going to Church)
    ~~~
    Ominous but slightly inspiring ambient texture
    ~~~

    12. Plainsong – The Cure (Fear of Angels)
    ~~~
    "i think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said
    "and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the
    world" you said "and it's so cold it's like the
    cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
    a second.

    "i think i'm old and i'm in pain" you said
    "and it's all running out like it's the end of the
    world" you said "and it's so cold it's like the
    cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for
    a second

    sometimes you make me feel like i'm living at
    the edge of the world like i'm living at the edge
    of the world "it's just the way i smile" you said
    ~~~

    13. Ghosts – Japan (Existential Crisis of a Ghost)
    ~~~
    When the room is quiet
    The daylight almost gone
    It seems there's something I should know
    Well I ought to leave but the rain it never stops
    And I've no particular place to go

    Just when I think I'm winning
    When I've broken every door
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before

    Just when I thought I could not be stopped
    When my chance came to be king
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind

    Well I'm feeling nervous
    Now I find myself alone
    The simple life's no longer there
    Once I was so sure
    Now the doubt inside my mind
    Comes and goes but leads nowhere

    Just when I think I'm winning
    When I've broken every door
    The ghosts of my life blow wilder than before

    Just when I thought I could not be stopped
    When my chance came to be king
    The ghosts of my life blew wilder than the wind
    ~~~

    14. Hawks Do Not Share – The Devils (The Bloodstain)
    ~~~
    Dark eyes you've got new clothes
    Please stay with me I love you
    You are a dream believe me
    We cut our hair
    We go to bed
    Sleep scented head

    Now we know our promises were true & we know a burden has been shared

    But Hawks don't share they gather in
    Hawks don't share
    Hawks don't share they gather in
    Hawks don't share
    Hawks don't share

    No history to forget
    Not fame & fortune to regret
    We tried so hard to find the truth
    Don't leave me here

    Then I see your hands outstretched to me & I know the role I played was false

    But Hawks don't share they gather in
    Hawks don't share
    Hawks don't share they gather in
    Hawks don't share
    Hawks don't share they gather in
    Hawks don't share
    Hawks don't share

    Dark eyes you've got new clothes
    Clothes Clothes
    Clothes Clothes
    Clothes Clothes
    Clothes Clothes
    ~~~

    15. The Twilight Garden – The Cure (Daydreams of Heaven)
    ~~~
    I lift my lips from kissing you
    To kiss the sky
    Cloud soft and blue
    And slow the sun melts down
    Into your golden words for me

    I lift my hands from touching you
    To touch the wind that whispers through
    This twilight garden
    Turns into a world
    Where dreams are real

    No-one will ever take your place
    I am lost in you
    No-one will ever take your place
    So in love with you

    I lift my eyes from watching you
    To watch the star rise shine onto
    Your dreaming face and dreaming smile
    You're dreaming worlds for me

    I lift my lips from kissing you
    And kiss the sky wide deepest blue
    And slow the moon swims up
    Into your golden words for me

    No-one will ever take your place
    I am lost in you
    No-one will ever take your place
    So in love with you
    ~~~

    16. At Night – The Cure (Detective Cummings and The Night Of…)
    ~~~
    Sunk deep in the night
    I sink in the night
    Standing alone underneath the sky
    I feel the chill of ice
    On my face
    I watch the hours go by
    The hours go by
    You sleep
    Sleep in a safe bed
    Curled and protected
    Protected from sight
    Under a safe roof
    Deep in your house
    Unaware of the changes at night

    At night
    I hear the darkness breathe
    I sense the quiet despair
    Listen to the silence
    At night
    Someone has to be there
    Someone has to be there

    Someone must be there
    ~~~

    17. 2 Late – The Cure (Simon’s Fateful Decision)
    ~~~
    So I'll wait for you
    Where I always wait
    Behind the signs that sell the news
    I'll watch for you like yesterday

    And hope for you
    One day that once
    Spent out on me
    And up 'til late
    I search for you

    Your hat pushed straight
    Away from me
    Your measured step
    Heads up you win
    Always too late

    If I could just once catch your eye
    Invisible against the words
    That hold you down in solitude
    And never let you go
    ~~~

    18. One Hundred Years – The Cure (Spirit War)
    ~~~
    It doesn't matter if we all die
    Ambition in the back of a black car
    In a high building there is so much to do
    Going home time
    A story on the radio
    Something small falls out of your mouth
    And we laugh
    A prayer for something better
    A prayer
    For something better

    Please love me
    Meet my mother
    But the fear takes hold
    Creeping up the stairs in the dark

    Waiting for the death blow
    Waiting for the death blow
    Waiting for the death blow
    Stroking your hair as the patriots are shot
    Fighting for freedom on the television
    Sharing the world with slaughtered pigs
    Have we got everything?
    She struggles to get away

    The pain
    And the creeping feeling
    A little black haired girl
    Waiting for Saturday
    The death of her father pushing her
    Pushing her white face into the mirror
    Aching inside me
    And turn me round
    Just like the old days
    Just like the old days
    Just like the old days
    Just like the old days

    Caressing an old man
    And painting a lifeless face
    Just a piece of new meat in a clean room
    The soldiers close in under a yellow moon
    All shadows and deliverance
    Under a black flag
    A hundred years of blood
    Crimson
    The ribbon tightens round my throat
    I open my mouth
    And my head bursts open
    A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water
    Thrashing in the water
    Over and over
    We die one after the other
    Over and over
    We die one after the other
    One after the other
    One after the other
    One after the other
    One after the other

    It feels like a hundred years
    A hundred years
    A hundred years
    A hundred years
    A hundred years
    One hundred years
    ~~~

    19. Tomorrow, Wendy – Concrete Blonde (Lies and then Someone You Love Dies)
    ~~~
    Lyrics
    It is complete, now
    Two ends of time are neatly tied
    A one-way street
    She's walking to end of the line
    And there she meets
    The faces she keeps in her heart and mind

    They say, "Goodbye"
    Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die
    Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die

    Underneath the chilly gray November sky
    We can make believe that Kennedy is still alive
    And we're shooting for the moon
    And smiling Jack is driving by

    And they say, "Good try"
    Tomorrow, Wendy you're going to die
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die

    I told the priest
    Don't count on any second coming
    God got his ass kicked
    The first time he came down here slumming
    He had the balls to come
    The gall to die and then forgive us
    No, I don't wonder why
    I wonder what he thought it would get us
    Hey, hey, goodbye
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die

    Hey, hey, good bye
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die

    Only God says, "Jump"
    So I set the time
    'Cause if he ever saw her
    It was through these eyes of mine
    And if he ever suffered
    It was me who did his crying

    Hey, hey, goodbye
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    (Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die)
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    (Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die)
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die

    Hey, hey, goodbye
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die

    Hey, hey, goodbye
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die
    ~~~

    20. Cold – The Cure (The Darkening of Christopher)
    ~~~
    Scarred
    Your back was turned
    Curled like an embryo
    Take another face
    You will be kissed again
    I was cold as I mouthed the words
    And crawled across the mirror
    I wait
    Await the next breath
    Your name
    Like ice into my heart

    A shallow grave
    A monument to the ruined age
    Ice in my eyes
    And eyes like ice don't move
    Screaming at the moon
    Another past time
    Your name
    Like ice into my heart

    Everything as cold as life
    Can no one save you?
    Everything
    As cold as silence
    And you never say a word

    Your name
    Like ice into my heart
    Your name
    Like ice into my heart
    ~~~

    21. Under Stars II - Icebreaker (The Angel of Death)
    ~~~
    Master Refrain for the mystery of the Spirit World

    22. In Our Angelhood – Cocteau Twins (Earning Your Wings)
    ~~~
    He's gonna chalk you out
    In his angelhood

    He's got the love, let- let us
    Like he said he would, like he said he would
    He's gonna chalk you out
    In his angelhood

    Please stand alone and let us
    Like he said he would, like he said he would
    Like he said he would
    Like he said he would (5x)
    Like he said, the angelfish
    In our angelhood

    Now our heart's on the edge
    Like you said they would, like you said they would
    We're truly angelfish
    In our angelhood

    Now our heart's on the edge
    Like you said they would, like you said they would
    Like you said they would
    In our angelhood (3x)

    Judging you, angelhood, judging you
    In our angelhood (3x)

    Judging you, angelhood, trust in him
    In our angelhood (3x)

    Judging you, angelhood, judging him
    In our angelhood (3x)
    ~~~

    23. A Chain of Flowers – The Cure (Father Malachi Grieves)
    ~~~
    Please wake up
    It's so dark and cold
    Please wake up
    I feel so alone

    And I feel so scared
    That you're going away
    And I feel so scared

    All I want is summer
    Stories from before
    Just like the time you tried to hide
    Behind the churchyard wall
    And fell asleep before I came
    And found you in a chain of flowers

    Sleeping like a marble boy
    Sleeping in another world

    I'll never tell you of all the different ways
    Of all the different ways

    You made me so afraid
    You made me so afraid
    Afraid...

    Please wake up
    It's so dark and cold
    Please wake up
    I feel so alone

    And I feel so scared
    That you're going away
    And I feel so scared

    I'll never tell you of all the different ways
    Of all the different ways

    You made me so afraid
    ~~~

    24. My Tears Are Becoming A Sea – M38 (A Guardian’s Work)
    ~~~
    I'm slowly drifting to you
    The stars and the planets
    Are calling me
    A billion years away from you
    I'm on my way
    I'm On...
    I'm On...
    ~~~

    25. The Funeral Party – Jesu (Requiem for the Beloved)
    ~~~
    Two pale figures
    Ache in silence
    Timeless
    In the quiet ground
    Side by side
    In age and sadness

    I watched
    And acted wordlessly
    As piece by piece
    You performed your story
    Moving through an unknown past

    Dancing at the funeral party

    Memories of children's dreams
    Lie lifeless
    Fading
    Lifeless
    Hand in hand with fear and shadows
    Crying at the funeral party

    I heard a song
    And turned away
    As piece by piece
    You performed your story
    Noiselessly across the floor
    Dancing at the funeral party
    ~~~

    26. The Ghost In You – Psychedelic Furs (Lovers in Spirit)
    ~~~
    A man in my shoes runs a light
    And all the papers lied tonight
    But falling over you
    Is the news of the day

    Angels fall like rain
    And love is all of Heaven away

    Inside you the time moves
    And he won't fade
    The ghost in you
    He don't fade
    Inside you the time moves
    And he won't fade

    A race is on, I'm on your side
    And hearing you my engines die
    I'm in a mood for you
    For running away

    Stars come down in you
    And love, you can't give it away

    Inside you the time moves
    And he won't fade
    The ghost in you
    He won't fade
    Inside you the time moves
    And he don't fade

    Don't you go
    It makes no sense
    When all your talking supermen
    Just take away the time
    And get in the way

    Ain't it just like rain
    And love, is only heaven away

    Inside you the time moves
    And he won't fade
    The ghost in you
    He don't fade
    Inside you the time moves
    And he won't fade
    ~~~

    27. To The Sky – The Cure (Going Into The Light)
    ~~~
    One perfect morning
    I was all alone
    Listening to
    The blaze of summer

    Drifting, I was falling
    I was floating in a golden haze
    Breathing in the sky blue sounds
    Of memories of other days

    And in my dreams I was a child
    Flowers in my mouth and in my eyes
    And I was floating through the colors of a sky
    Up to the stars and angels

    Up, up, up to Heaven
    Up, up, up forever
    Up, up, up to Heaven
    Up, up, up forever

    Turning in my climb
    I looked down on a lake
    Traced upon the water
    There I saw your face

    Sang in recollection
    Of the times we shared
    Then pushed on ever upward
    To the sky

    And in my dreams I was a child
    Flowers in my mouth and in my eyes
    And I was floating through the colors of a sky
    Up to the stars and angels
    ~~~

    28. Agnus Dei (A choral refrain for Barber’s Adagio) – David Hill and the Westminster Choir (The Final Adagio)
    ~~~
    The choir singing at the requiem mass for Simon and Christopher

    Agnus dei
    Qui tollis peccata mundi
    Miserere nobis
    Agnus dei
    Qui tollis peccata mundi
    Miserere nobis
    Agnus dei
    Qui tollis peccata mundi
    Dona nobis pacem
    ~~~

    ~~~~~~~


    2vrvxD6.jpg


    Chris Rhodes


    In Life

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    Recent Entries

    Victor Gutte
    Latest Entry

    Hey y'all :hug:
    It's been a while since I have been properly active on GA. I was not being able to talk to my GA friends. It is mostly because I don't have a computer for now. I used to share one with my mother but they moved to a different place the past month. I do miss having deep and light conversations with the people here and it's been a while since I have done any reading :( . But I am actually writing this blog to give an update on my stories. If anyone if following my stuff, they'll notice that my most of my stories haven't been updated in a long time. I felt that I needed to explain y'all :unsure: .
    So, I started writing "A New Life Across the World" in an attempt to improve my writing skills. But after I took the exam, my muse kinda deserted me on the story :facepalm: . I have a feeling that is partly because I kinda did well in the exam and felt that the story served its purpose. I still know how it progresses and ends but I seem to miss a something in the middle. Something that's quite important for the story. So, I changed it to on hold a couple months ago. I plan on returning to it some day. Hopefully that day will come soon.
    Then there's "My Journey to Victory" . It is a about me during my teenage years. It also happens to be my first one. I have no problems with my muse on this one. But seeing myself as a main character in a story :no: I was not ready for it when it was posted. There was so much of myself there. I don't think I am still ready by any means for that. At one point, I have thought about unpublishing it but then thought against it. I just didn't want to remove something that's so close and personal to me but the fact that the story contains so much of me made me uncomfortable as it was is available for everyone to see(read). I hope to get back to it someday (when I am comfortable seeing myself as a main character :( ). I cannot give you a definite time for that to happen. So, I as soon as I post this blog am going to change its status to "on hold".
    My most recent story is "Leo and Mario". It originated as a present for Drew's 21st birthday but due to encouragement from my friends and readers I decided to continue it. The characters were easy to write on this one. This one is most likely to receive a new chapter soon as it is based on prompts and does not follow a definite story line. But I am not positive any of these stories will get an update this year.
    The reason is because I am right now without a computer and will remain so until next year. As most of my GA friends know, I'll be moving to Australia this Christmas. So, buying a new PC now will make mine a foreign model in Australia and proper service will not be available :no: I have had those experiences with a laptop my dad brought in UK and those are easily one of the worst experiences I've had with services till date :thumbdown: . I hope to be able to buy one soon after I get properly settled there.
    I do have a couple of ideas (three actually) for new stories. But I know where I am now and I am well aware that 2 of those are too advanced for me. I am working on the third one and I scraped 6 versions of it before I decided to consult Drew about it. I am trying to work on it but I only have an iPad mini with me and typing without a keyboard sucks (quite literally). But I don't want to post it unless I get to a point in the story where I would feel confident that it'll write itself. And also, I am well aware that I do not have a way with words like many of my GA friends and sometimes I do wish I could write poems :( but I cannot rhyme a single word for godsakes. You should have seen the time I tried to write a poem and spent 3 hours wondering which word rhymes with orange :facepalm::lol: I do wish to have authorly (I just made that up) conversations with the many talented authors here but am too embarrassed by my lack of skills :blushing: I often struggle with words to properly express my thoughts :unsure2: which explains my higher use of emoticons.
    I wanted to participate in this anthology but wasn't able to come with a proper story that fit the theme :( I'll try next time :)
    And finally signing off, I'll just say that I am committed to finishing all the stories I started. Just don't give up on me. Without y'all, I wouldn't exist as an author :hug:
    Love,
    Victor.

  14. blog-0491558001474801641.jpg

    As a newly minted apprentice poet, welcome to the tools of my trade and no prizes for guessing which gets the most use ... :rolleyes: Anyway, here is another selection of verse with music as the theme.

     

    My continuing thanks to Parker Owens for his support and encouragement. All comments, crits and compliments are welcome.

     

    Ancient
    Borrowed, mortared
    Timelessly rememb'ring
    Conjuring forth darkness, tallows
    Silent
    Singing
    Faith-shrouded shapes
    Uninvited phantoms
    Wend down bowed midnight stair into
    My mind

     

    ~

     

    Nervous
    Adrenalin
    Alert heart pounds, mouth dries
    Focussed blood pumps, muscles flex, just
    For play

     

    ~

     

    Burnished
    Pulsing tendrils
    Swirl, coiling, massing in
    Shadowed, columned spaces until
    Metalled
    Dark clouds
    Cumulating
    Release their sonorous
    Load, felt deep within, almost
    Unheard

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    • Living in Vegas, I’ll have to check these out. Vegas has its own unique flair.
    • It was a while ago for me too.. Enjoyed reading them. Im sure no one will be disappointed. 
    • Read the Las Vegas Trilogy and It Stays in Vegas over four years ago, and I recall thoroughly enjoying all four books. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details, so I’m thinking I should read them again...     My advice: give them a good look, I think you’ll like them, too.  
    •   I've never been particularly squeamish about writing sexual scenes. Or sex in general. Didn't really think much about it, to be totally honest. I agonize over everything SURROUNDING the sex, hehehe...like when it happens in the story, and the situation, and the characters' motivation, etc...but the sex itself? To me, it's just another form of dialogue. It progresses the story and the character's shared bond forward in a natural and endearing way. I don't really stress over it too much.   I've had plenty of readers ask me if I'd ever write a 'true' story of a young Comsie in lust. But, to be totally honest...it would probably be pretty boring. LOL! I was a horny young teen, the other boys were horny young teens, we wrestled around or got excited, and it was like, "Wanna have sex?" Then I was like, "Ok!" And...voila. Doesn't make for a great story, does it?   Can't say that my teen 'sexcapades' had the drama and detail of the stuff that I write about. I seriously cherish my virgin experiences, but at the end of the day, it was just...'sex'. Felt GREAT! But, except for keeping it private, my first partners and I didn't see what the big deal was outside of making each other happy. When it was time, and we were in the right mood and the right headspace...we just did it. End of story. Never thought of it as innocent, never thought of it as dirty either. Just sex. Really awesome, emotionally stimulating, sex!  It's why I'm such a romantic to this day, I think.   I don't regret a moment of it. Hahaha! If I had a time machine, I'd do it all over again.  
    • Better to clip porn stories than penises, in my opinion.   I rarely write sex scenes in my stories, because I almost always aim them at middle schoolers. Although there are books on the market (such as Judy Blume's Then Again, Maybe I Won't) written for young teens, that contain sex, those stories are harder to slip past the gatekeepers: the parents, teachers, and librarians. If I do write sex, I put it in stories I plan for older readers to enjoy. However, I know of a few books that "push the boundaries" for younger readers, in terms of what we adults consider to be "sex". These stories are not focused on sex or eroticism, so much as they look at the characters' exploration of their bodies and identities as male or female humans, a phase of "play" or experimentation. A concerned adult reading such a story might see these natural developments as sex, but in the minds of the young story characters (and their readers), they are completely innocent to the sensual thoughts and feelings that are later attached to the private parts at young adulthood. I guess such a story would be better relegated to a site like Nifty, though. And so, I remind myself that a story doesn't need to have sex, or even romance, for that matter, in order to be considered good. In Tim Federle's Nate trilogy, a 13-year-old boy runs away to NYC to participate in a Broadway musical production of E.T. Only until the story reaches towards the end of Book Two is it revealed that Nate might have a romantic interest in his rival for the part of Elliott, a boy named Jordan, when they share a small, quick kiss after a disastrous opening night at the theatre. I think the question of whether or not to write sex entirely depends on what the writer is comfortable with, how it fits the "mood" of the story, and how the target audience might receive it.
    •   Well...I don't know if that definition was the best example of self promotion. Hehehe! I mean, in a very harsh way, I guess it could be looked at as a negative thing. It depends on the author, I suppose. If you feel uncomfortable about doing it, then I can imagine it being awkward and even embarrassing to advertise your own writing. But that's only when you look at it as an extreme.   I would never tell anyone to be an arrogant narcissist about shoving ads in people's faces! LOL! That's an extreme. But that's not the only definition of self promotion. Posting on this board is self promotion. Posting stories on GA or on Nifty is self promotion. Going in for a job interview is self promotion. The first time you ever sent me an email? Self promotion. Feel good about it. It's just a matter of saying, 'this is who I am, this is what I do, and if you like it...feel free to get in touch with me.' That's it. It's not invasive or demanding or even aggressive, really. You put yourself out there (Thus the title), and *IF* people like what they see...you tell them where they can find more. That's it. Done. Ball is in their court, and they can make that choice without being badgered to death about it. Hehehe! It's not like you have to dress up in a clown suit and dance for nickels on the beach while handing out coupons. Just add a link to your site and invite some interaction with the people who appreciate your work. Nothing bad about that.   I know a bunch of writers that are a bit bashful about that sort of thing, but you wrote it, right? You put it in a public place where people can read it. You had to have had, at least, a LITTLE bit of expectation to get a response. Come on, hehehe, admit it. It won't ruin your humble persona to say, "I was kind of hoping people would like what I created and shared with them." What is any form of art without an observing audience? Be proud of what you do. If YOU'RE not excited about your writing, how can you expect other people to be excited about your writing?   Go all out. Why not? This isn't easy work. It's both an art and a skill. As authors, we're passionate about it, and that takes some of the frustration out of actually putting in the countless hours and the tireless effort it takes to write a story from beginning to end. But make no mistake, you worked HARD to get your story to where it is. Come out from behind that stage curtain and get your applause, dude! ((Hugz))
    •  the vast majority of my pages are sitting on hard drives and thumb drives and in clouds. The only besides myself that have seen certain of it that I can actually name are...  I see them in the back. Hi you two. Hehe    So you'll have to take my word for it when I give where I'm at. I struggle with this.    Either it begins very much in medias res... *blink* aren't I fancy today. It means "in the middle of things" or... it begins like someone old-school, like Dickens.     either something's happening when the lights come up and the setting gets explained as we go or you watch the world slowly form in front of in detail before you even see anyone who would be capable of doing something. Like watching a computer game load in the 90s. XD   Either  so little detail it might be too little OR so much a set crew could build it but you've completely lost why you were there in the first place.    I'm still very much looking for the Middle Road.    So be sure to include lane guidance in your comments on my future stories.     
    • It is my bliss that there be sex in my stories. There has been since I rediscovered my passion for writing at 16.    That's one of the only positives of...    Nothing to see there folks. Move along. (Why not just delete the line? I don't know.)   I started reading erotica on Nifty Archives.  At that time of my life books were still exclusively on paper so I couldn't buy any books that I didn't want my parents seeing the covers of. I later acquired a few that I ordered from Barnes and noble that were subtle. "A Strong and Sudden Thaw" comes to mind. (Advent of ebooks I could shop for and read gay fiction invisibly. ^.^ ( it was my Amazon account) *cough*)   *check notes* Ah!    With Nifty it was very much luck of the most recently updated draw. Much was thin plots and lots of sex. (And this predates that Barnes and Noble shopping) but I wanted something more, what I couldn't put my finger on.  ( I have a point I promise)   Some things happen, the seeds of some ideas are sown, a certain Shack gets suggested as somewhere I should go read, more seeds...   I start taking the nuts and bolts (mostly nuts :D) of what people are doing each other on Nifty, tossing it in a bowl with bits and pieces of different anime and TV shows and movies and other books, pour it through the filter that is my voice and onto the page.    Sex, world building, plot, characterization, emotions, and me. And people liked it. People that had actually had sex wanted more of what I was streaming onto the page. (Hehe)   (A vivid imagination, a good vocabulary, a better than expected for your age writing ability, and a romantic idealism, can get you pretty far. XD)    I've grown up, had some sex of my own, even. But, in 15 years, I haven't really changed the formula I found then.    Characters drive the story. Things happen and they think, feel and react to them. Each has a personality, a history, and reasons for what they do and what, and whom, they like.    When sex happens, even if it's just two boys that have needs, but aren't a couple it isn't gratuitous because they've experienced something and it informs everything after. (even if you've only gotten your rocks off, if it's your first time getting your rocks off, you're going to think differently afterward even if you don't realize it)   If I've done my job right, the before during and after, the thoughts and feelings of a sex scene are as inseparable from the story as the bandits and monsters and innocents in danger. If I can "skip" what they say, think and feel in a sex scene without some kind of a " wait, when did they start acting like that with each other,  where did he get that idea,  When did that happen?" moment... it belongs in my scrap bin.    Take my Predators, ch 1 (more soon) skip the steamy bit there, actually cut the entire scene, and you'd have no idea why the people do what they do after.    If you want to tune out the what's getting slowly whatever'd, and what he did to such an such to make him gasp, you'll be alright.     But,  I think what they touch and how they touch it can tell you a lot about a person.    Just don't stop listening to the characters.  They'll tell you everything you need to know.   Umm... *cringes and looks at a sea of faces askance.*  That's how I bring sex into a story. Thanks for listening. 
    • Thank you Kitt, I share that with the boys all the time... we remain Teachable even through mistakes...
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