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Melancholic words to dampen your spirit

Entries in this blog

RIP Carl Holiday, addendum

Thanks to all who expressed concern here and otherwise.   I've only come back due to the amount of concern.   This is not a rash decision, nor has it been taken lightly.   Life has come to a point where it the option was to truly go insane as my world crumbled around me, take the ultimate exit, or to attempt to walk away.   I choose the latter.   I've been nutso before and, trust me, it ain't no fun being in a world unto your own, especially when no one notices. I went off my rocker an
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

10

Oh, bother . . . . v. 2.0

Unless something very important occurs tomorrow, my life as I now know it will be seriously jeopardized.   It's not life threatening, but it will be a big bother; and, I'm not in the mood for getting screwed when I didn't, technically, do anything to earn this kind of treatment.   Oh, if something doesn't occur, I may be unable to get online for sometime.   Oh, and I think I'm going to stay here in Texas, maybe get an apartment over towards Arlington or Grand Prairie, or maybe even as far
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

8

Oh, damn, now what?

Well, I guess the time has arrived.   This morning, I worked with an enrollment advisor at a university that thinks I have what it takes to pursue a Bachelor's in English. At least I got the language right. So, at 62 years of age, I'm going back to 1968 when I dropped out of college the first time around.
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

7

Remembering Tim In A Bipolar Sort Of Way

Finally, I threw caution to the wind and ended up speaking with my psychiatrist this morning about how I'm feeling, which, basically, I'm not, feeling that is. It boils down to my choice. Do I want to wait and see if I get used to the new medication levels and hope for an easing of the mental dullness I'm experiencing? Or, do I want to go back to the way it was and be mentally unstable, but be more creative? The only serious problem with mental instability is the risk of suicide goes up signific
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

6

Goodbye Rambo

Was it inevitable? We’ll never know.   What is known is that my son’s 90 lb. German Shepherd bit me yesterday morning with no provocation. I was sitting at the desk working on the laptop and Nana was rummaging around my chair. I reached down to pet her and Rambo chomped down onto my forearm and wrist with enough force to draw blood. Luckily for me, this time the entire episode was viewed by my son who has been of the opinion that every time Rambo has attacked me in the past has, somehow, been
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

5

Use Sunscreen!

Just got a call from the dermatology clinic where I had the latest biopsy on my left ear. The pathology report came back today and it's a squamous cell carcinoma. They'll be scheduling with the VA as to whether they or the VA will do the surgery. They will be recommending one of their Mohs qualified surgeons handle the procedure. They VA will probably say that I should have my ear whacked off just to save a few bucks.   Life moves on, as I've got a lot of writing to do, a dog to house train, a
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

5

Bye, for now

Um, well, what can I say?   There are a lot of things going on right now that require my utmost attention.   Unfortunately, there are a lot of things going on right now that, well, you see, I need to unload some of the extra baggage I
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

4

Barely an entry

I was trying to come up with some kind of blog entry today as tomorrow is my four month anniversary here at the Salvation Army shelter, but my mind is in a flurry of needless activity and I can't hold a straight thought for any decent period of time.   I did apply for Social Security today. Big step in the life of every American. I'm going in early because, well, with the bipolar messing up my life for probably a lot longer than originally thought, my chances of having any job more than part-t
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

4

I Think I've Come To An End ...

WARNING: Long entry.   We picked up Nana, our new German Shepherd puppy, on Friday morning and have been enjoying many pleasurable experiences with her. We took her to the vet yesterday and she weighed in at just over 8 pounds. Quite a handful.   A week before last my son sideswiped a Mustang on his way to work and in all likelihood totaled his Expedition, if he had collision insurance on it, which he didn’t. Well, it is a ’99, so there’s not much point in carrying that kind of coverage. Tha
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

4

She's Dead

What does one write about a dead mother? (It was last night around 2100.)   Well, I
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

4

Avon, NY

And you were thinking, "Whew! He's forgotten to do an entry."   Sorry, but I was busy finishing Chapter 16. It's all done and sent to my editor. It should be up before the weekend.   Then I had to drive here to pick up my next load.   They seemed quite anxious for me to get here, but I've been sitting in the dock for an hour and nary a pallet has thumped onto my trailer. Actually, it's the forklift the does the thumping.   At least it's not hot. There's a nice breeze blowing and enough c
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

4

North Dakota

I drove across North Dakota yesterday. Started in Miles City, Montana, and ended up in Fergus Falls, Minnesota. I
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

So much to do

Well, it’s official. I have now entered old age.   Last Thursday, I went to the VA medical center in Seattle to see an ophthalmologist about a previous bleeder on my left retina. Luckily, there was no evidence that it had re-occurred. Unfortunately, the cataract in my right eye has worsened to where it is now operable and I will be going under the knife sometime next month.   During the past couple months, I’ve had a esophageal barium exam and a laryngoscopy to determine why
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

A loving mother

Yesterday at our lunch break, one of my classmates, a very interesting woman who drives one of the vans that ferries us between the driving school and the Holiday Inn Express, was overheard talking to another group of students about her family. She was mostly talking about her youngest son, who happens to be gay. She had a lot of funny stories about him, but what got to me the most was when she said, "He's my boy. I can't stop loving him. No matter what, I still love him."   It's nice to hear
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT)

I'm a bit down right now and not because of the depression. During this last time out my left leg swelled up like something I didn't want attached to my body. Well, it was a pain, too. So, yesterday afternoon I called the consulting nurse at our clinic and told her my symptoms. She said, "You need to go into urgent care at 3:00 when they open because they might need to do an ultrasound."   Ultrasound?   Yeah, of my left leg to check the blood flow of the veins. Needless to say, the nice youn
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

Not a bother anymore

Well, I made it back from a short stay in oblivion. In many ways, it was the waiting that hurt the most. Bureaucratic time runs too slow, especially if you’re caught in the eddies.   Basically, my bank did not send out a replacement debit card for my expiring card. After giving it a good wait, just in case some wayward demon had nothing better to do than mess with someone’s life, I called and the rep said, “Yes, I’d waited long enough and he’d send out a new card and, by the way your card has
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

Baby the Rain Must Fall

I received an interesting comment (not a review, which I would’ve preferred, since it seemed to cover the whole story) on my recently completed five chapter story The Angel of Retribution. Since the comment was not totally flattering, I will refrain from revealing the user name associated with it.   I’ll save you the trouble of having to go look up the comment by quoting it: “Hmm (a half-smiling emoji added here) really bad writing great story though but I don’t really think u (yes, ju
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

Depressed

I wrote a long entry for today, but decided at the last minute not to post it. It wasn't interesting, you wouldn't have liked it.   I'm in Faucett (yes, with a "U" not a "W"), MO, this morning. I'm supposed to be on the road, but I haven't left, yet. I have drive across Nebraska today.   I've been very, very depressed for quite awhile. I'm taking my meds, and they seem to be doing a fanastic job of keeping my mind off of doing something stupid, but I'm still very, very depressed.   Which i
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

It Was Almost Bye Bye Birdie Time

Needless to say, my life is one big fuck up right now. Everything seems to be going to the shits. Well, not everything. Two significant parts of my life remain on track. My reading is prodigious right now. I am actively reading: Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, The Seventh Cross by Anna Seghers, Hiroshima by John Hersey, Blood’s a Rover by Harlan Ellison, and most of The New Yorker when it comes to the house most weeks. Yeah, you’re asking how do I keep
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

Skin Cancer

This morning I had a squamous cell carcinoma removed from my left ear by Mohs surgery. Since I'm allergic to all analgesics other than aspirin and the clinic I went to didn't prescribe a pain killer, I'm taking my aspirin and living with the pain. But, as the discharge paper said, it will get better day by day.   The next chapter of WWW is progressing. We may actually be coming to a finalization of the story.   319 is approaching an on hold status unless I can figure a way to get chapter 6 t
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3

7 Pounds

One of the fun side effects of mood stabilizers is weight gain which is okay if you
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

3
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