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About this blog

The things that go through my head.....it can get a bit weird at times...

Entries in this blog

 

Tomorrow, Everything Changes

So, tomorrow is officially moving day. The U-Haul is parked in the driveway waiting to be loaded. Everything in the house, with the exception of my room, is packed in boxes. For some reason, I can't bring myself to pack my room. We're moving from the Dallas area to a small East Texas town called Rusk. It's about 3 hours away. I know absolutely nobody down there, with the exception of my 2 cousins and their wives. They are all very umm, let me try to explain. My cousin Justin, the younger of the two, broke his femur years ago when he was bucked off the bull he was attempting to ride. His wife, Rachel, teaches Ag (agriculture) for high school. My other cousin, Clay and his wife Melissa, along with his two step-kids, his adopted son, and their son together, whose name is Rodey Owen (pronounced road-e, go ahead and say it out loud) are going to my new neighbors. They always make me feel like the odd man out. They'll talk to me if I insert myself into their conversations, but they won't go out of their way to speak to me. Now, I'm practically related to about half the town we're moving to, but they're all my mom's cousin's kids and I think I might have met them for all of 5 minutes 35 years ago. The closest Walmart to where I'll be living is 15 miles away, and it's not even a Walmart Supercenter. For the next 6 months or so, we'll be living with my grandmother in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house, while our house is being built. Right next door. For major shopping, we'll have to drive about 40 miles to Tyler, where there's a mall. This isn't going to be fun. It's going to be hell. I'm a 41 year-old gay man moving to an area of Texas that isn't well known for its acceptance. I did actually tell my cousins I was gay. But, that was 22 years ago and we've not talked about it since. I'm not even sure their wives know for sure or not. I"m freaking out here I think. HELP!!!!

JayT

JayT

 

Howdy Y'all

Howdy y'all. It's been awhile since I've posted anything around here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I miss y'all so much. I miss chatting with everyone and I feel like I've let some really good friends down. @Mikiesboy @mollyhousemouse @MacGreg @MichaelS36 @BlindAmbition @BHopper2 @Renee Stevens @Kitt and many many many others that I know I'm forgetting....I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been here, mainly creeping in the corner. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Last Wednesday at work, I had a panic attack and had to leave work and take the next day off. I have no clue what triggered it or anything. All I know is that it took a lot out of me. I miss y'all so much. Please don't forget about me...I still love you all. 

JayT

JayT

 

Not Lost, Not Wondering, Just Not Sure Where I Am

Back in March, I got a new job. I was excited and eager to start. However, within the first month, I ended up being transferred to the sister company doing basically the same job. The lateral transfer was not officially executed. There was no paperwork ever signed or submitted or anything like that. The original company I was hired for continued paying my salary. I was given my healthcare benefits through the original company after two and half months.  I was working for a compounding pharmacy. My job was verifying new patient insurance, doing clinical follow-up calls, and getting the orders ready for shipping to the patients. A little over a month ago, the volume of patients increased from 5 or 6 prescriptions a day to 15 to 18 prescriptions a day. When that happened, I was no longer able to to the clinical follow-up calls. All of my time was spent verifying new patients insurance and preparing the orders for shipment. We all decided that another person was needed to help me out. The problem is, the person they hired works remotely from home. So, she can only do the new patient insurance verification and clinical follow-up calls. That means I was now in charge of shipping. I spend over 8 hours a day preparing the orders for shipping. (This includes making New Patient Paperwork Folders, packing the orders, printing the shipping labels, bringing the orders to FedEx, etc).  Monday I was called into a meeting with the HR person, the compounding pharmacist in charge, and the lead tech over compounding (who gave himself the title of compounding co-manager trying to make himself equal in the hierarchy to the pharmacist). I was informed that the position I was hired for was eliminated because I wasn't working for the original company anymore. They then said that a new position was being created for me with the sister company. That's when the bomb exploded.  The sister company only hires part-time hourly employees. That means that starting next Tuesday, I will be switching from a full-time salaried employee to a part-time hourly employee. They are allowing me to keep my benefits, but they are cutting my hours to 25 hours per week. (There's no way that I can get everything done in only 5 hours a day). My hourly pay will be almost equivalent to what I was making per hour as a salaried employee if you divided my pay by a 40 hour week.  So, I have a choice. I can either work for the 5 hours, then clock out and go home and leave whatever is unfinished there for someone else to worry about or I can just keep working and clock out when I get everything finished for the day. The bitter bitch in me wants to do the former while the responsible needing money to cover car payments side of me says to do the latter. I've been so busy with work for the past month and a half that I haven't had time to write or socialize with my friends on here. I've given all my time to "getting the job done." They repay me by cutting my hours and my pay but expect me to still get the job done. I was told that the new position can't be full-time salaried because the company can't afford it (even though since I started I've seen the number of patients increase by 8x). Evidently, there isn't enough revenue coming in yet to justify keeping me full-time and paying me that much. So, even though we are sending out 8x more product now, the way they do the billing doesn't generate revenue immediately. We bill the compounded prescription through the patient's major medical insurance, not their pharmacy coverage with a co-pay. This makes the patient's co-pay little-to-no-cost to them but takes forever to see the revenue from it because insurance companies don't like to pay their bills. They'll deny the claim initially, forcing the company to file an appeal, which ultimately will be approved but not for the amount submitted. They end up paying what they want and there's nothing else that can be done. So, the revenue from the 8x increase in patient volume isn't being seen yet. They made it sound like once the revenue is seen and they can justify the expense of my salary and hours, I'll go back to full-time. I just don't know what I should do. 

JayT

JayT

 

empty

emptiness is loneliness loneliness is cleanliness cleanliness is godliness god is empty just like me Smashing Pumpkins *even though I can't stand Billy Corgan because he's a whiney little bitch, this is a great quote*

JayT

JayT

 

Good/Bad

First, let me say....in this I will be using the terms evil and bad. For the purpose of this writing, they are interchangeable. It was difficult sticking to one or the other. What is the devil's job? Many would say it's to tempt some from their path to lead them down a path of evil ways. If that is the case, does the devil create evil or does the devil merely exploit the inherent evil that is within us all? If the devil were to create evil, wouldn't that mean that some were born to be evil? That they were created with the sole purpose of doing evil? What hope is there then? However, if the devil's duty is to exploit the evil all have inside, then we would still have free will. We would have to choose to take those paths into evilness. But, we could choose to take the paths back to good. What determines an action to be good or bad? Do those actions decide whether we are good or bad? Or, is it other's reactions that decide if we are good or bad? Maybe it's not so black and white. Maybe we have to allow for the grey. I choose to believe that we are all good and evil. There isn't some mythological deity out there trying to pull our strings. We decide our own path. A path that goes through light and darkness, sometimes at the same time. When faced with a choice, ask "Who will be harmed (physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, financially, and all the other ally's out there) if I choose this path?" The ideal answer would be nobody, but that's not reality. Every thing you do will affect someone somewhere somehow, even if only minutely. The best choice is the one where you benefit the most with the least amount of damage. To those around you who support you, the choice would be good. To those who are harmed, the choice would be deemed evil or bad. There's the grey. So, what's the point of all this rambling? The one normally deemed Villain in stories is the one who accepts this and acknowledges that the so-called heroes of the world aren't completely good.

JayT

JayT

 

Just Over a Week Later...

So, it's been just over a week since my last blog post. Thank y'all for talking me through my over-analytical mind fuck of the possible situation. Thank the gods I didn't have to face the bitch-in-law, since my brother was the only one that came from Austin. She evidently fell off a ladder or some bullshit and hurt her back. Oh and all of the kids were sick with a stomach virus, conveniently. That was probably for the best. The first night we were down there, I had to sleep out in my aunt and uncle's travel trailer, with no power (no ac-only open windows). The second night, I said eff that and rented me a cabin out at the KOA. By the time we got down there on Friday afternoon, my brain had stopped over-analyzing how was supposed to feel. I decided that if I felt something I would just go with it, if I still felt nothing, oh well. It didn't mean I loved my grandfather any less. I just accepted the fact he was gone. Everyone cried around me. I could tell my brother's sobs were....I won't say forced, but something wasn't right. He looked like he was crying. His eyes were scrunched up and his face was red. His breathing was spot on like a crier would be breathing. One thing was missing. The tears. He had no tears. It wasn't that he wiped them away. They weren't there. I don't know why I noticed that, but there it is. What does it mean? Nothing. I'm not accusing of faking his sorrow. I believe he was upset. But I think  he knew he was supposed to be upset and filled the role of the mourner.  My cousin and I almost got into a fight at the cemetery. Over me joking with my brother. I walked my grandmother to the grave site tent and made sure she was situated in her chair. While I did this, the rest of the family filled the tent. My parents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their wives and kids and step-kids all took a seat. When I went to sit next to my grandmother, the only seat left open, my brother brushed past me and said, "Hey bro, let me sit here."  *Backstory* In 1990, my brother had an AVM which is an internal brain injury kinda like an aneurysm, so he has what is known as "left-side neglect". This means he walks with a limp and noticeably has to force his left arm and hand to work "normal". On top of that, a few months ago, an 18-wheeler hit his SmartCar and he now has a herniated disc. *End Backstory* So, I didn't mind letting him sit there. I was a little upset when I looked up and saw that there were no more seats. I said to my brother jokingly (which he took it as such since he smiled and laughed a little so did my mom and dad) "Guess I'll be the only family member standing." My cousin overreacted and stood up. You could hear his annoyance and frustration when he told me to "Just sit here then, Jay." I told him I was only joking and didn't mind standing. My dad even stood up to stand with me. I told my cousin to sit back down with his family, I was fine. But he refused. I let it go and didn't say another word to him. I don't even think I told him bye when my dad and I left.  Anyways to make a long story short (TOO LATE!!!!) The tears never came. The sadness never came. Like I said before, i wasn't numb, I was almost apathetic. More along the lines of accepted the reality and didn't force sadness.  Today, I feel the exact same. Only now I don't have my mind going 90 to nothing telling me I needed to feel something.  On a positive note- I had my mom's Mother's Day Flowers delivery address changed to my grandparents. So on Friday afternoon, FedEx delivered 12 blush pink and 12 darker pink roses to my mom. 

JayT

JayT

 

How should I feel?

My grandfather died. I should feel sad right? I feel nothing. I loved my grandfather and I know he loved me, he told all of us every chance he got that he loved us. I don't even feel bad that I'm not really sad. My brain is telling me that this makes me a sick and fucked up person. My mind is also telling me that I know I should feel a certain way. And then it tells me that I should feel ashamed that I'm not sad. Don't get me wrong....I'm not happy. On the other hand, I'm not sad either. I guess I'm apathetic right now. If I admitted that anywhere else, I would fear judgement. Fear isn't the right word. I'm not afraid of being judged; I just don't want to have to deal with it.  Honesty time: Since I'm posting this here, it's becoming more and more obvious that I someone to call me on my bullshit right now. Am I looking for a fight? Maybe. If someone tried to call me on my bullshit right now, I would get extremely emotional trying to justify the fact that I'm supposedly apathetic right now. The definition of apathetic is: adjective 1. having or showing little or no emotion. Wow how much of an oxymoron could I be. And look what happens when you remove oxy from the word. You have a moron. (kinda like when you remove the "r" from friend you have fiend. That's why I always warn my friends to beware of friends without an "r").  Having wrote this, it still doesn't change the fact that right now, at this precise moment, I'm truly feel apathetic. Even though I know I should feel something, and I would feel something if someone tried to challenge my apathetic mood right now, I still feel emotionless. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should fake being sad tomorrow when I get around my family. Everyone else will be sad and upset. If they knew that I was feeling this apathetic, they would question me. I can already hear the conversations: Aren't you upset that Pawpaw is gone? Do you care that he's gone? Do you care about anyone other than yourself? Can't you see how upset your grandmother is? You need to get over yourself and help your Mawmaw.  Am I over-analyzing this? I honestly don't know. HELP!!!!!!!

JayT

JayT

 

Online Friends Are Family Too

Howdy y'all, welcome back to my neck of the woods. Certain blog posts and a tribute to a fallen dragon have got me thinking lately. The first time I sat down and read a friend of mine's work, I felt an instant connection to him. I had to send him a message and let him know how reading his stories affected me. I was nervous of his reaction. The message sounded a little stalkerish (not really, but could be interpreted that way). Anyways, long story short, this author got back to me and thanked me. We started talking that day and by the end of our conversation, we decided that we were "online friends". I want y'all to know, I have many people on this site that I consider to be an "online friend".  These are the people who we only know through our computers. We've never met and probably never will meet in person. We might, one day, talk on the phone to each other, but that's doubtful. But, you know what? That's perfectly okay. I don't have to meet these people or talk to them to know that there is a type of love for them present. I consider them to be my "online family". We laugh together, cry together, and get pissed at the world together. But, most importantly, we help each other feel accepted support each other when one of our brothers or sisters is feeling down.  I'll wrap this up now by saying...Thank you. Thank you for being my "online family". Y'all are the only family I have that accepts that I'm gay. But, that's a different story for another time.  Lots of Love to y'all,  Jay  

JayT

JayT

 

Pet Peeves

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone mispronounces the word supposedly. More often than not, people add a "b" towards the end. Supposably is not a word. Even seeing it typed incorrectly is bothering me right now. Something else that is bothersome to me is when people use the word nauseous when they really mean nauseated. To be nauseated means to feel queasy, feel like you might vomit. To be nauseous is to be emitting a foul smell that would make someone else nauseated. So, if someone says they are nauseous, they're admitting that they stink. If they feel ill, they would be nauseated. Another one is the misuse of the words then and than. Then is used when describing sequential events: A. happened then B happened. Than is used to compare/contrast things: A is better than B.  Finally, and I realize this is totally personal preference here, I can't stand the word "moist." I won't even buy a Duncan Hines cake mix because the box has that word written on it.  Do y'all have any grammar pet peeves?

JayT

JayT

 

Insomnia sucks like a Hoover

It's 3:50 in the morning, I have to be awake in 2 hours to get ready to go to work. Oh yeah, I haven't slept yet. This sucks, and not in the good way. I hate it when I get like this. I'm not stressed out, so I know it's not stress-related. I'm in a good place in my life right now. Things are going swell. My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. Oh, and I wear my sunglasses at night. (Damn, I rock the kasbah, and the Sharif don't like it?) Meanwhile, back at the ranch.  Oh yeah, my original point in all of this was to let y'all know that insomnia fracking sucks.   

JayT

JayT

 

My New Job

I got a new job three and a half weeks ago. I'm getting paid $35,000/year and get benefits starting June 1st. I've opened up a bank account, instead of using my prepaid debit cards. I was originally hired to be an Intake Coordinator (I would find Home Health for patients that get discharged from the hospital, still on IV antibiotics, and then I would schedule for the meds to be delivered each week.) For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have a different job now. I now am the Patient/Logistics Coordinator for the retail pharmacy's compounding department (they make pain and wound care creams as well as nasal sprays and other various chemically stuff.) I was kind of a promotion, but not really. I'm still getting paid the same amount but I don't have a direct supervisor now. In fact, once business picks up some in the next few months, I get to hire people to work under me. hehehe. *dirty thoughts* This new job is the reason I've had Chapter 4 of TJ 3/4 written for 2 weeks. Maybe I should go type over there instead of here. Bye 

JayT

JayT

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