Been an emotional week around here. tim is going through something, and I can only watch and wait. But words run through my head after he comes to me, needing me. Last night he asked me to just hold him, as he tried to sleep. I did and he did.
But I know him very well. Know his heart and the kind of human being he is. It's why I love him. And why I wrote this:
You tell me you need my arms about you tight
I know there's something, and I whisper tell me
the name of who is in your heart this moment,
Your head bows, there's damp on your cheeks
But it isn't my name there, or on your lips
And I hold you, strong against me, and smile
As you say: you know I love you, don't you?
I know and we are bound together in many ways
Yet, I know the man in my arms, and his heart
aware I am not alone in it.
There are others you love, desire and care for
But I am wise enough to know, forbidding this
Or trying to cage you, would drive me from the
Very heart I love with all of my own
To keep you, I must free the butterfly
So if sharing who you are and your heart
Means I can love you, then share you I will
I am not sad, or afraid, because you're here
We always will be, until one of us must go
I hope I am left, for I'd not want you to suffer alone.
I know one day, you'll be gone from my arms
But I don't want to know that emptiness yet.
Don’t want to think of not kissing this soft skin
I am your caretaker, your man and you're my boy
And if eternal love exists, then that is mine, for you.
It's been difficult lately for tim, and frustrating for me. Depression is such a hard thing to live with, both for the one that suffers through it and the people around them.
Try as he might, and I am not surprised by it, tim tries to push away the bad things he feels. It is a constant fight for him.
People say he's a man, he should put the past behind him. Move on, fuhgeddaboudit!
he does, a lot, but with his dad's passing, well, I wish the brain had real door that can be locked. It doesn't and it's the same for all of us I think. If your past wants to catch up with you, you rarely can out run it.
Yesterday it caught up with him. Like a runaway train, it caught him, and flattened him.
he is okay ... but my frustration brought out some words:
I know that he suffers
I know his world is grey
Nothing that I can do,
Will take his pain away
I can love him with my body
I can kiss away the tears
But I will never be man enough
To banish forever, his fears
I try and show him life is good
I try and point out sunny skies
But it's life that's done this to him
And it's that I cannot disguise
He clings to me on darkened days
He clings to the light I offer
All I can do is hold him tight
And whisper: I always be your harbour
I love you, boy xo
This blog is more about BDSM and D/s from my sub, tim and his conversation with a fellow sub molly's, perspective. Many of you know molly and she is the sub belonging to her Sir, Phil.
These two met on GA, when no one they knew were ‘out’ as submissives. For a long time tim wasn’t, he hid this from people but grew tired of hiding. When he opened the Drop in Centre, he asked me for permission to come out, and though I had some reservations, I gave it.
You’ve heard a lot from me and MacGreg also about how we ‘became’ Doms, or how we knew, but we don’t hear from our subs much.
The other day tim lost his self control, he embarrassed and angered me, and also caused Mac to have to speak to him. That type of behavior I cannot just let go, I had to address it, which I did. This was discussed in the previous blog thread.
molly and tim talk … A LOT … and at some point mentioned to Mac they’d been talking. Mac, I understand wondered about the subs perspective. That comment got these two thinking and they asked me, Mac and Phil if they could offer up a recent conversation they’d had.
It takes place after tim had been disciplined by me. To set minds at rest, there’d been no physical discipline other than me removing tim’s collar. Most of it is loss of privileges as tim explained in the previous blog thread.
(The conversation that follows has been edited slightly. These two have their own language!) **Because of health issues, and meds, that tim and molly have, Phil and I are both rather watchful about these two and their eating. Much to their dismay at times! So they talk about food often.
So with all permissions in place, and explanations done, here is a recent Hangouts conversation:
T: You don’t have to (chat) if you're watching something hun
M: Phil Sir is so funny, He ran to the store to get something with Tori and came back with all kinds of healthy things for me to eat
T: oh like what?
M: oh, if i don't do this while watching the movie, i'll be asleep in a heartbeat!
T: still tired?
M: He brought avocados, deli sliced turkey, my favorite sandwich rolls, and some french onion dip and chips
T: oh nice
M: no, not really tired, it just happens when i watch movies
T: oic i'm gonna try to stay up for another hour.. oh man i'm tired
M: well, it should be slow
T: what is slow..LOL besides me lol
M: work, tomorrow
T: oh yes.. maybe.. we'll see … oh! Sir went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.. i said i'll look after that, Sir. He said, "tim, relax, I'm not looking for a Stepford sub. I'm here, I'll do it."
M: He really is something else
T: He is ... He said “Just do as I ask you. But you're not my slave, boy."
M: at this point, i know, it's hard not to jump at every movement and want to do everything
T: He came in from the other room. i know.. i feel like i should do everything …
M: I’m familar with that feeling
T: do you feel that way all the time?
M: there was one time, i made Phil Sir really mad, like, He actually yelled at me. I can’t remember now what privileges i lost at that point i didn’t have many privileges i have now. i just remember the feeling of being on pins and needles for days. No, i don’t feel that way all the time unless i’ve messed something up.
T: wow … i can’t believe Phil sir would yell at you.
M: it hasn’t happened in years. We were still in Colorado and we moved back here when Daughter started 6th grade and she’s a senior now.
T: OIC … don’t think Michael has yelled at me. He doesn’t seem to be a yeller. He usually goes quiet and is kinda scary when He’s upset.
M: Phil Sir doesn’t usually yell either, but i felt very small. i don’t remember why it happened, only how i felt. Never, ever want that feeling again.
T: no … hugs … its not a good place to be
M: no it’s not. And it’s why i want to do everything i can to help you now because i *KNOW*
T: thank you! …. last night when i was so angry, after i said what i did to you, i PMd Mac Sir. While what i said wasn’t directed at Him, it was a rant filled with a lot of swearing. His reply was short and He suggested I talk to Sir about Respect. i wanted to crawl under a rock ….
M: Yeah, a big rock!
T: Yeah … man ….
M: Soooooo… you were talking about making the muesli so you could put it in the fridge
At night for breakfast? Did you get a chance to do that?
T: yes.. i bought ten containers... i'll set them up once a week for us both.
M: oh good!
do you have one for tomorrow (edit: tomorrow was New Year’s Eve Day)
T: yeah 😀
T: i dont have to think about what to eat now…
M: i like that in the morning since i don't like to eat then anyway
if it's a grab and go thing, so much the better
T: yeah you can take it if you want..
M: lol! want? no i'd have to take it
T: you yes.. Me? yes or no..lol
M: still awake? (it was later in the evening)
T: yes.. i was given a nice cup of tea
T: This, Sir making this tea, .. makes me feel like i've been taking Sir for granted in a way.. does that make sense.
M: yes totally
cause here He is doing this seemingly small thing for you
because in this situation, it's like so obvious what He/They do for us
is that what you are feeling?
T: yes and i feel like i've only been halfway here all this time (tim means in our relationship)
M: it's been a year full of growth for you, hasn't it?
T: has it? .. i feel i haven't been reading the same script as Sir ... and now i've been knocked back to start over with this correction. . and this time i want to do it right
M: i really think it has been, you've come out, again, you've knocked down some of the trust walls, wearing short sleeves in public, the special project, the ropes, the piercings
T: yeah i did that .. and there were moments where i felt this closeness during those times... but this correction, this discipline makes me feel i’m really His.. really connected
M: sometimes, it takes something like this to make us see these things
T: yeah you're right. i was starting to see.. to trust Him ... but now, now i really need to trust Him, and hear Him. And removing my collar, He's taken away my security.. He has it
M: tim He's always been "it"
it's hard though sometimes
we want to do it ourselves
T: yes … yes… but i didn’t see it
i've had to do it myself.. to survive
there was only me. well jeff, but he'd sell me out whenever it suited him
M: and we forget, or deny, that They are our strength
i didn't have a jeff, but my mom always compared me to my sister
even as adults
T: i’m glad you didnt have a ‘jeff’
M: mine was a different kind of survival, but survival of the self nonetheless
T: yes.. only circumstances are different.. the mental thing is the same
M: yes it is
so we need to remember that our Sirs, our Doms are in this position because we need, crave, that strength
and at the same time, because we've had to be strong in the past, it can be hard to give it up
(Here molly posted a picture. It's her current avatar. I can't post it here but it says:)
Sometimes a submissive is a STRONG person looking for someone STRONGER.
T: when i was on the street. all i wanted was someone to take me off it.. someone who would really look after me
M: i can totally understand that
T: Michael didn't rescue me.. i did … well being nearly dead did
Sir came later
but He saw something .. and i felt it and i fought it a long time in some ways
but i think...i think i finally get it
M: this life we lead, it is a never ending journey of self discovery
T: i need to remember that
M: and i don't mean to say that life itself isn't also, but i think because we live the way we do, it's just MORE
T: yeah you're right
it is more ... it is real, and amazing, and it's honest
i can be who i am .. and Sir can be who He is
and you can and Phil Sir
M: there can really be no hiding in our lives,
He needs to know if i've had a bad day, so that if He asks me to do something, i'm in the right place emotionally
i think, in other relationships, hiding that shit is easier
T: yeah i guess it would be...
in other relationships i could not be who i am
M: and how utterly miserable men like Phil and John Sir, and Michael Sir would be
T: yeah. They couldn’t really be what they are, at least not fully I don’t think
M: i love being able to talk about this with you
T: me too
T: love you too
i think this is what our Sirs hoped for our sub PM somewhat
M: i'm sure it was, and i'm sorry that it didn't work, it'd be nice to have other voices, but i'm eternally grateful that you reached out in the PM
T: me too
M: what time will you have to be up for work tomorrow?
T: oh i could sleep in until 7am
i get up early for some time alone
M: sorry was distracted by dogs and teens
M: well i'll be bundled off to bed soon, just had one of those big jaw cracking yawns, caused Phil to look at me with a raised eyebrow lol!
T: yeah.. you get some rest
i'll head off too, Sir gave me the arched eyebrow emoji
M: that emoji!
ok we'll both get some rest
T: yeah that..lol
i'll see you tomorrow.. thanks i really needed this
M: it was good for me too
to put it all into words
T: that’s good.. see you tomorrow.. nite nite
M: tomorrow then, rest well
(That was Saturday night.. they are still talking Sunday morning….tim is already at work)
M: hi hope you rested last night and that today at work it's quiet
T: hiya yeah after bawling in Sir's arms i slept great
i hope you did too.. sleep i mean
M: aww hugs
T: He was telling me what was gonna and not gonna happen over the next few weeks.. i was already emotional.. He did have me wake Him so He could drive me into work today.
M: i did sleep pretty good. i saw that He drove you to work
T: He'll get me if He can.. if not He said take an uber "I do not want you out in that cold, tim!"
M: yeah, you don't need to be waiting on a bus in this
so, it was an emotional conversation at bedtime?
T: i was emotional all night really.. and when He started to tell me all the details of His discipline, i couldn’t hold it together, but He just hugged me and said, “you know why.”
Well yes i do. Sigh
M: it's going to be a long couple of weeks
T: yes it is.
and the stuff you and i had been talking about made me feel that way too.. and i was telling Him about that.
M: what did He say?
i hope He didn't think i was meddling
He said He was happy to hear some serious discussion.
He said he was happy that i felt i was on the same page He is. And that i'm finding some meaning during this correction period. He said, its discipline boy, not punishment, I hope you understand the difference.
M: sometimes, in the middle of correction, it is hard to see the difference though isn't it?
T: right now .. i don’t feel like its punishment
i know what i did and i know Sir had to address it. He couldnt just let it go
i know there are consequences
T: i'm not unhappy really.. just missing a few things..
He said, “About your collar, we'll see how things are going and i'll consider things on the 12th of January.”
That's the day before our D/s anniversary celebration.
M: it's nice to have a firm date for a goal!
He knows i want my collar back and especially for then
I can do anything for 12 days
M: yes you can!
So there we have it...one of their typical chats...there are some good points made. I think it shows us they love who they are and how we live. There is no anger in tim about what's happened and molly is prepared to support him. They look for the good, see the why's and they are respectful and interested in discovery. I'm proud of them both.
Questions and observations are always welcome.
First of all this is no attack on how you or anyone else chooses to live, that is up to each of us to decide. This blog is simply an answer to a few things I read in an article the other day. It called itself an introduction to the BDSM lifestyle. I found much of it offensive, rather like most looks at our lifestyle are.
What did I read?
· That submissives feign their subservience.
· That Dominant tops only act dominant, because we need to be nurturing and loving.
· That subs are in charge.
· That Doms never take their subs farther than their spoken limits.
What do I think of those four statements?
I’ll use a polite term to answer; ridiculous. BDSM is not a game, nor is it about sex, for many there is zero sex involved. It is not something we who live and love this life would pretend! Those four statements angered and frustrated me.
I live the BDSM lifestyle 24/7. My sub does also. He is my boy; he is subservient to me in all things. His focus is me; he is obedient to me and the other Doms in his life. He trusts me with his mind, and his body.
He doesn’t pretend this. Why would he? My boy is subservient because it is natural for him to be, if I had an inkling of pretense, we would not be together. He needs what a Dominant offers; love, protection, and security and fulfillment of his needs.
That is not to say, he offers nothing. He does. I need to be dominant, to control, and in my case, I am also a sadist, so I have a need to hurt, but not abuse. But, and this is a huge thing, I am also loving and nurturing. Our subs are human with needs and desires, they need their Doms to look after them. We are all complex and I can be all things to my boy.
I can tell you now, I am in charge. Perhaps at the very start when you first meet, you are careful not to push too hard. Like any relationship you spend time together, learn about each other’s true natures. The submissive needs to learn about the Dom, just as we need to learn about them. However, my boy is also my husband, and decisions are still mine; about our life, about our car, or the budget, when we eat, his piercings, what he wears, etc. I do ask for his thoughts on things and we talk, and laugh a lot. He is happy. I make sure of it. But final decisions rest with me.
This myth that subs are in charge is laughable, because true submissives do not want to be in control, they want to give it up. They want someone else to take it away. And if I hear again that my boy’s submission is a gift, I’ll break something. His submission may not be a gift, however he is, all of him. His submission, his obedience, and his belief and trust in me are precious to me. He essentially trusts me with his life, his happiness to some extent, his fulfillment also. He needs the safety I offer and the love. He wants for little.
When it comes to our BDSM play or scenes, I do listen to my boy, but usually I know before he can speak where his head is, whether the planned scene is the right thing. And they will often want to please you, so will try and hide the truth and their true feelings. You must watch for this and if you have even the smallest doubt things are not as they should be, you must not go on. This is a time for discovery, for discussion, your own needs and desires must be put to one side.
And about limits. People have them. Submissives have them. Doms may also have them. There are things I do not do, will not do; those are limits. My boy has them, and I do respect them, but some of them I want to change, because I want it to. He knows this. And yes, I am playing on his need to please me. So I push. I ask him to give me what I want. I ask him to take more pain, or wait longer, to hold that position. I ask him to trust me. And I am careful because I know, I know, he will not refuse me.
I am also careful because there are things he wants, that are not good for him. That could hurt him badly. He likes to be challenged. However he is fragile as well and I must be so careful with his state of mind. Again, these are times for discussion, frank and honest talk, to discover and learn.
Trust, obedience and focus are the big three, with trust being the most important, in my opinion. If there is trust, obedience and focus come more easily. That said, trust can also be the hardest to achieve. How quickly it comes depends on much. What the sub brings in way of baggage, their background, past relationships, physical and mental health, all affect how quickly they will come to trust you. As the Dom, I have to be consistent, I have to be available, in other words, I have to be trustworthy. My sub needs to know he can count on me.
But we are human, prone to errors, and I have made them, though I aim not to. And my boy, showed his strengths then, when I needed him to. And so did our small community on GA, when they gathered around him to hold him up, when I could not.
In closing, the article that prompted this blog, frustrated me. I love our lifestyle. It is based on trust and honest communication. I do not fake who I am or what I am and neither does my sub. Nor do the other Doms and subs I know. We all offer something; fulfill each other, and the majority of us in long term real BDSM relationships stay that way. To stay safe, happy and fulfilled in our lifestyle, you need to communicate and you need to be honest.
We feign nothing.
Living with mental illness and depression is difficult. Having a partner who suffers, is also challenging, but I will not let him down. I am proud of him and he is worth all my love and effort.
I watch the ghosts of your past
Swamp and overwhelm you
Though I intervene, too often
Their pull is greater than my power
But always I will be your tether
And safety net,
I will not let you fall
We talk often together about our lives, about D/s and what it means to all of us here who have chosen this lifestyle. I say choose, but is it a choice? I could never choose to be submissive, just as tim could not be a Dominant. But as we are, we are two halves, and only together are we whole.
as always, for my sweet boy, I leave you this;
This Dom’s Pledge
As days tumble into years
you are still with me.
A gift, as precious to me as any treasure
More, since you come to me on your knees
Into my hands you place your heart and mind
Trusting I will keep you safe, protecting you always
As is my wont and my duty
I promise you now, as I promised you then
To be all for you, to care and protect you
Until I am no more
You are this beautiful creature that has graced my life
A zephyr that blows softly lifting nary a hair
I cannot cage you or keep you from those who love you
Water that runs unfettered through my fingers
You love is like the grains of sand on a long white beach
Quicksilver that flows, cannot be molded or shaped
Your radiance cannot be closeted or hidden
Clouds that skim playfully through the blue above
How can I lock up the wind?
Our lives have slowly changed
Not for the better I’m afraid
I have to be your man again
The one you deserve and desire
So things will change
Of that be sure
You will be mine again, boy
Interesting session with a psychologist who is a counsellor to those of us in BDSM or D/s lifestyle, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Dr. R greeted us both, we sat, and he sat within a small grouping of chairs.
He largely ignored tim at first, after asking him to sit. Then he asked me why we were there and I explained what had been happening in our lives, that we seemed to be drifting and that I felt I was the not dominant man that tim expected and deserved.
So he asked, are you D/s and want to stay that way, D/s and want out, or Vanilla and want in? I said the first, Dr. R then looked at tim and asked him. tim replied the same way as I had.
Then still gazing at tim, he said, “if you went into another lifestyle home and were asked to sit, where would you be now, boy?”
tim pointed to the floor, next to me. The doctor continued, “Would you be more comfortable there knowing what I am and your husband is?”
“Go then, boy.” Dr. R watched as tim settled on the floor, leaning against my leg. “Don’t think you are not respected though or that your feelings and opinion’s don’t matter.”
“Good. Then let’s begin.”
It wasn’t all pleasant but not meant to be I suppose. Tim related his trust issues, and how he’s unsure of what love means, though he says it often. I spoke of the recent past and how it had affected me and also my diabetes diagnosis. Together these things had rocked my world, but not in a good way.
At the end of the session Dr. R said, you know the pieces of this puzzle all seem to be here. You two just need to start communicating more effectively. Today Mike you gave tim what he needed some tasks, some framework, which he needs to be a good sub.
He liked our first goal which is for tim to learn he can properly trust me. We still need to define what that looks like, but tim has provided me some ideas.
So the new day begins.
Some of you are angry /disappointed/ or whatever with me. I can understand why.
You read what I’ve written about me and how I feel about tim and you probably laughed and if you are in the know, you have likely said, “Sure you do.”
I do love him, very deeply.
He has certain expectations of me because of our lifestyle, expectations I have been failing in providing. That leads to his unhappiness, and he is less sure of himself, of me, and us.
In the recent past I watched as tim went through a very hurtful situation that affected him deeply. I could do little to protect him. The effect however on tim was serious. There was a serious depressive episode that had him on anti-depressants so strong he began to hear voices. Voices that caused thoughts of suicide. There were daily visits to his psychiatrist, pills and recurring nightmares thought buried.
Finally healing after that, tim wanted to explore some fetish behavior he was interested in. His Project, he called it. This project included somethings I’d wanted and pushed for, for some time. I was going to get what I’d desired. However, after the fact I wasn’t so sure, it was what I wanted, nor am I sure I want repeat it. Insecurities I didn’t think I had raised their heads. I’ll need to talk properly to tim about it.
On top of this was a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes for me. tim immediately redesigned our diet, I agreed to all the changes, because I want to be here for tim, my boy.
Through all this I became less and less able to be who tim needs and expects me to be. Who I thought I was. This self-doubt shook me badly.
I was frustrated one night, treated tim poorly and I am ashamed of my behavior towards this man I love and who I know loves me.
My anger and doubt was bad enough, that after going to work the next morning, I spoke to my boss and took two weeks leave. I couldn’t deal with what was happening in my head, or the feelings. I did something I never thought I’d do. I texted tim, went home, packed a bag and told him I’d be back.
I knew it would hurt him. I also knew he’d turn to his friends and they gathered around him like a herd of wildebeest and protected their friend. I am grateful to them all.
I drove then, north to a place I’d been before, a lovely lodge on the French River, not too far from Noelville. Here I spent days just thinking, being in the natural world, try to figure out what the best course was.
I reached out to a couple of people, one basically said get your act together sooner rather than later, and that he was looking after tim, and the other said, I understand the need for space, tim was cared for and okay and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I appreciated the messages.
I found what I needed. And that is to understand and accept that I’m not perfect, that I’m capable of jealousy and self-doubt. Those things plus my strengths make me human. Yet I am still the dominant man tim needs me to be.
tim if you’ll still have me, I’ll be home tomorrow, boy.
I love you.
Just a bit of background...
As I went through my younger years I found that other’s seemed to naturally follow me, and look to me for direction. As sex came into the picture, it was the same in the bedroom. I learned that I liked to lead play there, liked my partners to be submissive. I thought simply that I was a top, I am, but I am more.
I am what is known as a Dominant, a Dom. It is not about being a brute or sadist (well it is if you are a sadist). It is about honesty, control and you must believe that mistakes are unacceptable. I do not mean mistakes made by the submissive; I mean mistakes made by myself.
Mistakes made by a Dom can be dangerous for the submissive so open two-way honest communication is paramount.
I learned about BDSM and D/s and read about these lifestyles and the more I read the more I knew what I wanted from life and from my future partner.
As a young man, I also met the man who would be my mentor in the D/s lifestyle, John. He taught me much, showed me much and I developed into who I am today.
Before tim, I had other subs, some interested in long term, others only in D/s in the bedroom. From these experiences I learned for me D/s would extend beyond the bed, into nearly all aspects of my life.
I’ve never been one to shy away from the fact I am different from most and wanted different things. I do not hide I am gay, when we are out of the house, tim’s hand is in mine. I will hug him, or touch him and give him a kiss out there in the world. I do not care what other’s think about that. We are as human as they and if they take issue, then look away.
tim I was fairly sure was submissive when I first met him; and he was who I wanted. It took time to ensure this was the case on both counts. After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too.
Once we decided how we would live we had the usual vanilla marriage ceremony. I wanted more however, a D/s ceremony, where I would collar my boy.
The collar can be a simple chain, to a leather collar or metal ring, it is up to each Dominant to determine what they want. tim’s collar is simple box chain in silver, with a flat silver ring with the word Forever on it.
There would be friends of ours, John and his boy and some other Dominants and their subs present but I also wanted my parents there. They didn’t know about this part of me, well not formally, but how to tell them?
I did it as I do everything, straightforwardly and honestly. I took tim one night to see them and told them about my life, our life.
My father listened quietly and my mother was rather more animated. She wanted to know if I beat tim, how could I hurt him if I loved him. tim surprised me then by speaking up.
“Michael does not beat me. There are deep reasons for what we do but He does nothing i don’t want Him to.”
We spent another hour talking about D/s and what it means to us both. Since the ceremony, I know both of them have looked into D/s and have a better understanding of what it is.
tim and I have lived this way for nearly eight years. We’ve had ups and downs, but tim is the most important thing in my life.
tim has paid dearly for the right to live, he has given me the greatest gift anyone can offer, he has given me himself. I cherish, love and protect that with all I have because nothing will ever mean more to me.
Just a bit of background.. questions if you have them, are welcome.
I, dressed only in black denims and boots
Watch you strip down to nothing
You are always unclothed, baring all to me
For you belong to me, you are mine
You stand at room’s centre, in submission
Rising for my chair I circle you, gaze at you
When my hand caresses your back you flinch
The skin there still soft, unscarred, sweet
You utter no sound as I walk around you
I want you, desire you, control you
My own manhood, hard, wanting
And I could take you, but I too must wait
I take your hand and pass it over my hardness
No sound from you, but I see you swallow
“Control it, boy,” I whisper
As your own member betrays you
You breathe deeply in your concentration
In your scramble for control of your body
“On your knees, boy. Eyes on me.”
You gaze up at me as you comply
I retake my seat as you kneel
There is disappointment in your eyes
You will learn patience, control
And learn I know what’s best
You requested a poem .. here you are
You kneel before me unclothed
Like you’ve done a thousand times
Knees spread apart
So you’re open to me, vulnerable
I walk around you saying nothing
Your head is bowed in submission
Hands on thighs
You know to whom you belong
Your back marked from our play
Pain you will carry for days
Borne with dignity
Your strength a source of pride
You are my boy and I your master
I draw you up into my embrace
Lean on me
Your place is here, always
Warning: D/s BDSM subjects... some mention of sex, oral sex.
I met tim serving lunch at the mission where we both volunteered. He was less than impressed with me and not interested in my good cop-self. That was fine, but I knew it wouldn’t stop me. I would have that sweet skinny-assed boy.
Though I knew he’d be mine, I also knew his back story. I knew I had to be careful. I knew I had to take my time.
After finishing with serving lunch, the volunteers would sit and eat. I sat with him, uninvited and unwelcome, a few times. He did not care I was gay, he did care I was a cop and told me in no uncertain terms where I could go.
Each rebuke just strengthened my resolve.
And I know he liked what he saw. He checked me out enough when he thought I wasn’t looking.
Sitting with him, he rarely looked me in the eye and once I reached over and put two fingers under his chin and lifted. Finally his eyes met mine and I said, “I’ve seen you looking boy. I like what I see too.” His eyes widened, and I saw recognition there. It what was I’d been hoping for.
Eventually he accepted an offer for a coffee. I think it was the ninth or tenth time I’d asked. Afterward I saw him onto the streetcar. Didn’t ask for his number, just said I’d see him around.
I saw him a couple of weeks later at the mission. I took him for ice cream that time, he seemed to be relaxed and told me a bit about his past. Broke my heart, hearing about the death of his mother and what his father had done to him.
We started to go on short dates like this, for a coffee, or ice cream, or a short walk. During this time, we held hands, there were almost chaste kisses. No deep passionate ones, no tongues, this boy was going to want me. I’d make sure of it.
I mentioned him to my parents. Told them what I knew of his past, told them I was interested. I’d had boyfriends before, but no one I told my parents about. But I knew tim would be coming home with me at some point and I wanted them to know. My mother was happy. She’d have someone to mother again.
Our first big date was a baseball game to watch the Blue Jays play the Rays. We had a good time there. I took him home. Kissed him good-bye and he held on. Leaving him was becoming very difficult.
I took him to another game a week later. There was a UFC Pay-Per-View on I wanted to see and invited tim to my place after baseball to watch it. I was surprised he agreed to come back with me but he did. We bought a pizza on the way home. We ate while we watched and let him snuggle up and held him close.
It was late when the Pay-per-view ended and I suggested tim stay over in my spare bedroom. Once he was settled I went to my own, but trust me I was very tempted. But now was not the time. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.
I think it was after 3am when I heard him, moaning, crying out in his sleep. He’d have this recurring nightmare for the next few years. But hearing it was pitiful. I got up and went into him and woke him gently. I nearly picked him up, but he walked with me to my room. Well, he was a bit resistant but I insisted.
I pushed him onto is left side and pulled him into me, held him. Told him that we’d only be sleeping. And we did and he was quiet for the rest of that night.
After this tim seemed more into me, he wanted to be close. Things were going as I’d hoped.
I’ve always been a strong person, demanding, in bed and out. I met my friend John, a year before I met tim and John saw the dominant side of me. A long time Dom himself, he was and has been my mentor in the world of D/s. I liked what he taught and showed me.
I knew tim had submissive qualities. He deferred to me, looked up to me, wanted me to choose and decide. I wanted to slowly start to train him. He was over one night and we watched some fetish video, some D/s as well. He was quite interested. He told me then he’d known a Dom and had spent time with him. I asked him questions about that time and he told me he’d enjoyed it. That he liked when he was told what to do, and liked the pain offered, and quietness of the scenes and the closeness afterward. He liked that he had someone to lean and depend on.
This was an unexpected gift, an interested, willing and partially trained boy.
I know this all sounds methodical, but I am that kind of person. I plan things, plot them and my goal was to make tim my boy, without frightening him. I also knew that he had to make that choice, but I could help things along. I knew he was the person I wanted in my life, to love and marry when I first met him. That hasn’t changed.
So my training began. We were in our relationship about four months, still no sex, no super passionate kissing. Though I certainly was ready, I still wasn’t sure of tim.
We’d been out for dinner and returned to my apartment. I’d been ready for more for some time but there was something blocking tim, I felt. We were on the sofa and something was different, he climbed on my lap and kissed me, I pulled him to me and kissed him properly, for first time. I took his breath away. He unbuttoned my shirt and moved down. He knelt between my thighs and he looked up at me and I said nothing but looked back. And I saw what I’d wanted to see.
Love, desire and most important, respect.
His hands hovered over my belt. He was waiting for me, and as hard as that was I let him.
“Do you want what’s in there, boy?”
“Do you want what’s in there, boy?” I repeated more firmly.
“Yes.” He searched for the right word. “Sir?”
“Good boy. Then unwrap it.”
What followed was the best oral sex I’d ever had, that boy has talent. Afterward I drew him to me and kissed him, praised him and held him close. I gave him his first challenge.
“No touching yourself other than to pee and replace. Not until we next meet. Is that clear?”
He replied yes. I believe he did just that.
I guess at six months, I knew tim was mine. He was ready and I wanted our first time together to be special. I wanted him to enjoy it, to be relaxed and us to be together.
He was nervous, because we’d discussed what this night would be. I made him dinner, he didn’t eat much, his nerves were bad. We had coffee in the living room and kissed him until we were breathless. I want to pick him up and carry him to my bed, but I resisted. Instead I stood and reached for his hand.
I told him if he wasn’t ready that was fine but he just shook his head. We went to my bedroom and once inside took him in my arms and kissed him. I undressed him slowly, kissing and teasing him. I knew he was afraid to let me see him without clothes because of the scars he carried, from cutting and burns, from beatings and needles. The story each of them told hurt, and touching them was hard but only because I knew the pain they caused him.
We showered and prepped tim and then I did carry him to my bed. It was a wonderful night, we kind of rocked each other’s world. We still do. He cried in my arms afterward and held him and told him then for the first time that I loved him. It hurt a little he didn’t tell me the same, but I remembered who I was dealing with and that I had to be patient.
After this, tim and I were just together all the time. I took him home to meet my family. Everyone loved him. I think the first visit was a bit overwhelming, but he got used to my loud and loving family. tim developed a close relationship with my mother. She saw his pain and his loneliness and they are good friends. Often they shop together, loving their trips to Ikea or flea markets. But if he brings home one more sugar bowl … how many of them can one man need?
It was at about one year I decided the time was right. I took tim to a lovely place called Edward’s Gardens. We walked a bit and saw all the wedding parties getting their pictures taken.
I took tim to a quiet place I knew, with a tiny waterfall and weeping willows and he stood watching the water. I moved behind him and kissed his sweet neck. Pulled him to me and said, “You love me?”
“Yes, Michael, of course I do.”
I turned him around and kissed him and got down on one knee and asked him, if he’d marry me.
He pulled away and stepped back. And I knew then that I had just made a huge mistake.
I could see the fear and pain in his eyes as he said, “Michael, I’m so sorry but no.”
I couldn’t move. He’d just said no and I was just frozen. Finally I got to my feet. “Can you get home from here?”
He said yes.
I couldn’t stay there, not now and I walked away, knowing he’d be alone but I just had to go. I was a mass of confusion and frustration. I didn’t contact him not for a week. I needed to think. By Friday I’d decided I wasn’t going to give him up.
I went to his little flat Friday morning early before my shift and banged on his door. There was no answer. I was frustrated.
Saturday I was there even earlier and banged on the door until he finally opened it, swearing about the time. I didn’t give a shit at that point and pushed him back, followed him and shoved the door closed behind me. “Sit down and shut up!”
I ranted at him about how much he’d hurt me. That I loved him, cared for him, and I’d treated him as he should have been treated. “How could you say no? I have given you my heart and soul, asked you to marry me, something I do not do lightly and you throw it back at me. How the fuck could you? “
He tried to say something but I shut him down. “I do not want to hear it, tim. I need some honest answers.”
He nodded. I spit some questions at him and in the end gave him three months to get his act together. Granted all of this had been a surprise. We’d never discussed marriage at all.
I had to get to work, but I hugged and kissed him. “I’ll come get you after work okay?”
“Please don’t let me down again, tim. I pretty pissed off. But this is where you belong, close to me.”
We just sort of held on to each other afraid to let go.
On December 18, we got married in the chapel at City Hall. A vanilla ceremony attended by tim’s brother, and my crew. It was a lovely day.
In January we said our vows to each other in a D/s ceremony… tim wears the flat ring of silver on a silver chain around his neck, with the word, Forever on it that marks him as my submissive, my boy. This was attended by my parents and my friend John.
We’ve had our ups and downs, like all couples. We’ve grown and learned together. But if I had the chance to do this again, I would, with no doubt. tim is the most precious thing in my world. And I love him with all I have.