I guess I'm lucky enough to have been a child of the 90s and 2000s. I came of age right as the country's attitude toward homosexuality was undergoing a massive forward shift. Although I am still old enough to remember when gay men were portrayed as 2-d stereotypical characters with a total lack of depth or humanness. I grew up with a pretty negative image of gay men, and it contributed to a lot of self-hate, depression, and loathing that took a long time to get over.

A couple weeks ago, my best friend, boyfriend, and I took a trip back to my hometown for the weekend. My best friend also grew up there, but my boyfriend had never seen the leaves change in fall, and there is no place more beautiful then New England in the fall. It also happened to be homecoming weekend for my high school, and of course that included the football game. We decided to go, and have a little blast from the past. It's amazing how some things never change. The faces of the high school kids are unrecognizable, but almost everything is the same as it was when I played football there years ago. The uniforms, the coaches, the people in the stands, the music the band plays, everything.

It was weird, and it almost felt like I had gone back to 2008 or 2009. Years you couldn't pay me enough to relive. I even ran into some old teammates of mine who I hadn't seen since we graduated over 6 years ago. At halftime I went to go take a piss, and after I came out of the bathroom, I saw a little ways off what looked like two boys walking and holding hands. I didn't even think twice and thought there's no way that's what was happening. Back in my days there, that would have been totally unacceptable, looked down upon, and a sure way to social suicide. Especially since it was at a place with several thousand people and most of the kids you went to school with. There were only one or two openly gay kids when I went there, and the rest of us were deeply closeted.

I went back to my seat near the student section, and there they were again. The same two kids (maybe 15-16) holding hands still while standing among a couple hundred other high school kids. Talking and laughing and just as much a part of the group as all the others. They actually were out and gay, open about who they were in front of all these people they face on a daily basis. All this had happened in 6-7 years? Had a place that seemed to always stay the same actually been changing...

You would think the natural reaction to seeing this would have been for me to be happy for them and proud of what they weren't afraid to hide. But no, absolutely not. In fact, my reaction was one of bitterness, anger, and resentment. I was almost jealous that they were getting something that had been so totally denied to me at that age. I was angry that during my time, the only choice was to be deep in the closet and have two separate faces; one you kept in private, and the fake one you put on for the rest of the world. Most of us know the mental and emotional toll that takes on people.

I sometimes wonder how my high school years would have been different if I had more of an idea of what being gay meant past the porn I watched late at night in secret or the two limp-twisted theater queens who were the only out gay guys while I was in school there. There were far more of us in those days as I've learned in the years since then. But we were boxed into the closet by the culture that existed there at the time. We didn't get a choice. As much as I like to think I've moved past that stage in my life, I guess a part of me still holds a grudge toward that place and everyone associated with it.

We had to suffer so they don't have to. I guess there's something poetic about that to be proud of.