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LillyLee

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Up until now I have been using the identifier 'non-binary' , mostly because I have no idea what my gender is, how I want to express it and so on.

Also, it just fits. 

 

Over the last few months I have been paying around with my gender expression; clothing, hair style, accessories, binder.

I also started using men's body wash and deodorant. 

 

I definitely feel best when I'm as 'man' as I can be.

The idea of top surgery in theory is nice, and I would love to take T to give my body more masculine features, again in theory.

But I'm not yet sure if t's what I really want, to be just 'man' always and forever.

I don't know if it's my identity that's stopping me from next steps or fear. 

 

I have been so lucky with my husband; he has been super amazing and supportive and just.... I have to admit I was amazed. We have had some really great talks and he has just been so positive. But the other night we discussed potential trouble areas I may face if/when I decide to come out 100%. It made me really nervous and kind of shut down. Maybe I'll feel like I'm in a place to deal with it one day, but I'm not right now.

My mom wouldn't understand at all, she would be nice but treat it the same way as she treated my pagan religion "yes, okay your 'pagan', sure." Thinly veiled skepticism. She wouldn't be hostile, but she doesn't understand the concept that gender is different than sex (she still is weird about Caitlyn Jenner). It's not as bad as it could be, but it a struggle I don't know I'm ready for. 

My  mother in-law would be the type to just flat out ignore it; she has made some comments about what she calls "this gender movement thing" and "kids these days just need to make all these things up" . 

Sure I could sit them down and show them the science stuff behind it and explain it and talk about how it FEELS, but again, even he idea is exhausting and I don't know enough or how to explain to even try. 

I work in retail so dealing with being misgendered at work with customers is another thing that feels like it would be exhausting. It's hard enough every time I have to correct someone when they assume I'm a child (I usually get 16-19 vs my 27), I couldn't imagine having to do the "actually sir/madam, I'm not a female child, I'm a adult male" . Sigh, I need a nap just thinking about it.

 

In the end it will probably feel worth it, but I'm not there yet. Also, what if I go through it all and then have a 'girl day' ? Like 'oh shit, I know I told you all I'm trans but hey... hahaha I'm not.'

 

I mean... yes I know

I can feel like a boy and dress like a girl

Gender can be fluid

My gender is defined by ME and ME alone

I get to decide what kind of 'man' I am, maybe I'm a man who wants to wear dresses sometimes (i know I'll be a man that paints his nails).

Fuck the haters

 

But knowing it and feeling it are two different things.

 

Arrrgg... this became lots of word vomit hahaha. 

:)

It's a bumpy ride, huh?

 

 

 

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This process you're going through would be so much easier if the rest of us weren't so hung up on categorising everyone and everything so they fit our own perception of the world. I don't think I cold ever fully grasp what you're going through, but I can consciously decide to support the journey. 

 

Sounds to me like you should continue to meander for a while longer. It's your journey and you should be at the healm. 

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