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Goodbye, My Love

TetRefine

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Well, the time has finally come. We've flirted with going our separate ways multiple times in the past, and several times have actually broken it off for various lengths of time. Yet, somehow against our better judgement, we always find our way back to each other, and after our absence the passion for you burns as hot as a blue flame in me. I seemingly forget all the things I hated about you and the stupid choices I repeatedly made under your influence. No matter which country I meet you on, and I've met you on many, your basic premise remains the same. Your allure sucks us in by the thousands. All of us, young and pretty, and...empty, come searching for anything to grasp onto to make us feel wanted and loved like we so often didn't in our youth. Your music, your dance, your substances, all give us such a high on life, and the feeling like tomorrow doesn't matter. The world could be collapsing outside around us, but your thumpa-thumpa would distractingly blind us all to the truth. 

 

I admit, you've given me a life I could have never imagined living before I met you, at the ripe, insecure, impressionable age of 22. You forced me to become more social, more outgoing, and more aggressive in seizing opportunities in life. I'll forever love you for that. The look and attitude you motivated me to cultivate allowed me to command attention and respect from people who I did not know. It was for all the wrong reasons, yes, but at such a young age do the reasons matter so much as the outcome? You tell me. The invites to parties of every imaginable persuasion from people within you created in me a sense of belonging that was lacking but so desperately craved growing up. You made me feel okay about the long, stressful hours at work that so often exhausted me, because every Friday you'd be waiting to take me under your wing for the glorious 48 hours of the weekend. Those 48 hours where I could drown the pain of growing up a fag in a small town where I never felt I belonged. But in your care, not only did I belong, I was a fucking star. All those types who ignored me as a teenager were now on the outside looking in on me. That sense of superiority you allowed me to feel was the greatest rush I think I'll ever feel. 

 

But my god, you've distracted me with pretty, shiny objects while stealing away from me the things I need most in this life. The sad thing is, you've hinted at me many times over these last 3 years about what you were doing, but I chose to ignore what was so clearly obvious every time. You warned me over and over again about your impact on who I thought was going to be my future husband, but instead of heading your signs, I decided to double down on you and destroy what took half a decade to build. That destruction only led me to latch onto you even harder, and you led a parade of boys through my bedroom by the dozens, so much so that I lost track of who was who. You always gave me a justification. That part made it so easy to stay with you, and made it easy to rationalize your presence in almost every corner of my life. How many opportunities have I lost out on because I was too busy giving you my time? As I was thinking about this the other night, I almost became physically sick at what I could have accomplished and become had you not entered my life.

 

I had a feeling, or basically knew, that we were about to go our separate ways beginning this spring. I knew we couldn't last if I wanted to start the next chapter of my life that was going to truly matter. But we had several months left together, and I wanted to go 100 miles an hour with you until you left me. And boy did you give me the chance to feel every inch of you before then. Philadelphia, New York, Shanghai, Bangkok, Pattaya. You took me on a whirlwind tour of your world where we experienced each other on an entirely different level. I loved every second of it. I'll forever remember those feelings of ecstasy and bliss. But, your feelings came with a price, and I realized that I was not willing to pay it any longer. I can't allow you to come between my dreams, my career, and the person I love most. 

 

I'll forever remember you, and look back with fondness of the memories you gave me, but I can never go back to you. I naturally just outgrew you, or maybe you just outgrew me. I'm not sure, but I don't care either. Who knows, I'm sure we'll have a few one-nighters together over the next couple years, but it won't last past the morning. We'll simply shuffle each other out the door the second after we get the feeling we want. We don't need to be anything more to each other. I won't be missed by you. There's thousands of other boys, younger and more eager, to be taken under your influence. I won't warn them, because truth be told you have a lot to teach. Plus, nobody warned me, and I've got too much to make up for in the time I've wasted to you. 

 

Thanks for the memories.

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I read this twice.  It's made me want to ask you questions.  On my first read through I had all sorts of ideas about what I really thought you were talking about.  You've left me wondering if this is just a short story that reflects aspects of your life, or if this is all you. :)

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Sounds like a promoter for a long list of circuit parties. Coming from NYC area, remember my years with them.

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I'm with AJ on this.  If it's IRL I hope you do not turn completely cynical and still let your heart be your guide.

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17 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

Sounds like a promoter for a long list of circuit parties. Coming from NYC area, remember my years with them.

 

Pretty much this, although a broader idea of the scene instead of just circuit parties. 

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2 minutes ago, TetRefine said:

 

Pretty much this, although a broader idea of the scene instead of just circuit parties. 

I thought so. A 90’s club kid with my years at Limelight, Tunnel and so many more.

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8 minutes ago, Daddydavek said:

I'm with AJ on this.  If it's IRL I hope you do not turn completely cynical and still let your heart be your guide.

 

45 minutes ago, A.J. said:

I read this twice.  It's made me want to ask you questions.  On my first read through I had all sorts of ideas about what I really thought you were talking about.  You've left me wondering if this is just a short story that reflects aspects of your life, or if this is all you. :)

 

A reflection of my time in the scene, and what it gave me and what it took from me. The list of both are long, but it was beginning to take more then it gave, and my life is shifting now. 

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13 hours ago, MJ85 said:

So - what happens now? Where do you go from here?

 

Onto real life, and the things that will bring pleasure and comfort past a single night with a stranger. 

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8 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

I thought so. A 90’s club kid with my years at Limelight, Tunnel and so many more.

 

That must have been a hell of a time to have been a part of all this. In some of my weaker moments I secretly wished I had been born before the whole “assimilation” thing started to become mainstream amongst us all. 

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I understand this way to well. Out of it a long time and so much happier. The superficial high it gives sucks your soul.

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Just now, BlindAmbition said:

 Thse superficial high it gives sucks your soul.

 

It definitely does, and so obviously so. I’m still trying to figure out why it took me so long to figure that out. I think writing it out here is maybe a way for me to process that question. I don’t regret for a second experiencing it to the levels I did, but I’m also taking comfort in knowing that it’s also coming to an end. Just a couple months ago I couldn’t fathom living any other way.

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1 minute ago, TetRefine said:

 

It definitely does, and so obviously so. I’m still trying to figure out why it took me so long to figure that out. I think writing it out here is maybe a way for me to process that question. I don’t regret for a second experiencing it to the levels I did, but I’m also taking comfort in knowing that it’s also coming to an end. Just a couple months ago I couldn’t fathom living any other way.

What you are feeling is normal. I thought leaving that I would be a nobody. Sad thing is they really won’t notice you being gone.

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Just now, BlindAmbition said:

What you are feeling is normal. I thought leaving that I would be a nobody. Sad thing is they really won’t notice you being gone.

 

Yeah, I know I’m gonna lose a lot of people over this one. And that makes it harder, but oh well. So is life and it’s evolution. 

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6 minutes ago, TetRefine said:

 

Yeah, I know I’m gonna lose a lot of people over this one. And that makes it harder, but oh well. So is life and it’s evolution. 

You’ll be just fine. Leaving a real mark on the world. Best of luck. x

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Growing up is a bitch, isn't it? Especially when you realize it doesn't stop once you hit 18. Best of luck, Tet.

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8 hours ago, TetRefine said:

 

Onto real life, and the things that will bring pleasure and comfort past a single night with a stranger. 

 

*scrolls up, reads*

 

When I read this last night I interpreted it as you were having an actual breakup, not...an abstract breakup, so to speak. (I thought it was you and your boyfriend were breaking up, not you were breaking up with the club scene. :P)

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Life comes in phases - how long they last, when we move on, if ever, that you can only see looking back. Maybe everyone gets sucked into one lifestyle or another - but what your soul seeks is pure love and that ain't easy to find, hell some people don't even know they have a soul, they can't tell fake from real!

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