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We Feign Nothing - A look at the BDSM lifestyle.

MichaelS36

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First of all this is no attack on how you or anyone else chooses to live, that is up to each of us to decide. This blog is simply an answer to a few things I read in an article the other day. It called itself an introduction to the BDSM lifestyle. I found much of it offensive, rather like most looks at our lifestyle are.

What did I read?

·         That submissives feign their subservience.

·         That Dominant tops only act dominant, because we need to be nurturing and loving.

·         That subs are in charge.

·         That Doms never take their subs farther than their spoken limits.

What do I think of those four statements?

I’ll use a polite term to answer; ridiculous. BDSM is not a game, nor is it about sex, for many there is zero sex involved. It is not something we who live and love this life would pretend! Those four statements angered and frustrated me.

I live the BDSM lifestyle 24/7. My sub does also. He is my boy; he is subservient to me in all things. His focus is me; he is obedient to me and the other Doms in his life. He trusts me with his mind, and his body.

He doesn’t pretend this. Why would he? My boy is subservient because it is natural for him to be, if I had an inkling of pretense, we would not be together. He needs what a Dominant offers; love, protection, and security and fulfillment of his needs.

That is not to say, he offers nothing. He does. I need to be dominant, to control, and in my case, I am also a sadist, so I have a need to hurt, but not abuse. But, and this is a huge thing, I am also loving and nurturing. Our subs are human with needs and desires, they need their Doms to look after them. We are all complex and I can be all things to my boy.

I can tell you now, I am in charge. Perhaps at the very start when you first meet, you are careful not to push too hard. Like any relationship you spend time together, learn about each other’s true natures. The submissive needs to learn about the Dom, just as we need to learn about them.  However, my boy is also my husband, and decisions are still mine; about our life, about our car, or the budget, when we eat, his piercings, what he wears, etc. I do ask for his thoughts on things and we talk, and laugh a lot. He is happy. I make sure of it. But final decisions rest with me.

This myth that subs are in charge is laughable, because true submissives do not want to be in control, they want to give it up. They want someone else to take it away. And if I hear again that my boy’s submission is a gift, I’ll break something. His submission may not be a gift, however he is, all of him. His submission, his obedience, and his belief and trust in me are precious to me. He essentially trusts me with his life, his happiness to some extent, his fulfillment also. He needs the safety I offer and the love. He wants for little.

When it comes to our BDSM play or scenes, I do listen to my boy, but usually I know before he can speak where his head is, whether the planned scene is the right thing. And they will often want to please you, so will try and hide the truth and their true feelings. You must watch for this and if you have even the smallest doubt things are not as they should be, you must not go on. This is a time for discovery, for discussion, your own needs and desires must be put to one side.

And about limits. People have them. Submissives have them. Doms may also have them. There are things I do not do, will not do; those are limits. My boy has them, and I do respect them, but some of them I want to change, because I want it to. He knows this. And yes, I am playing on his need to please me. So I push. I ask him to give me what I want. I ask him to take more pain, or wait longer, to hold that position. I ask him to trust me. And I am careful because I know, I know, he will not refuse me.

I am also careful because there are things he wants, that are not good for him. That could hurt him badly. He likes to be challenged. However he is fragile as well and I must be so careful with his state of mind. Again, these are times for discussion, frank and honest talk, to discover and learn.

Trust, obedience and focus are the big three, with trust being the most important, in my opinion. If there is trust, obedience and focus come more easily. That said, trust can also be the hardest to achieve. How quickly it comes depends on much. What the sub brings in way of baggage, their background, past relationships, physical and mental health, all affect how quickly they will come to trust you. As the Dom, I have to be consistent, I have to be available, in other words, I have to be trustworthy. My sub needs to know he can count on me.

But we are human, prone to errors, and I have made them, though I aim not to. And my boy, showed his strengths then, when I needed him to.  And so did our small community on GA, when they gathered around him to hold him up, when I could not.

In closing, the article that prompted this blog, frustrated me. I love our lifestyle. It is based on trust and honest communication. I do not fake who I am or what I am and neither does my sub.  Nor do the other Doms and subs I know.  We all offer something; fulfill each other, and the majority of us in long term real BDSM relationships stay that way. To stay safe, happy and fulfilled in our lifestyle, you need to communicate and you need to be honest.

We feign nothing.

 

**************

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55 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

Beautifully said, Sir. thank You. 

You know boy. I was rather riled up when I read that. I had to say something. 

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15 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

Thank you for taking the time to write this, Mike. Who the hell wrote that ridiculous article? Someone without a single clue. If a sub feigns submissiveness, he won't get past my front door. I have much more to say to this but must attend to work right now. Let's keep the discussion going.

It comes from a well respected medical magazine. I'll be happy to share the link with you. My first question after reading it was: "Did this person even talk to someone in the Life? At all?"  I would happily discuss this with you until the cow come home. Thanks, Mac.

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38 minutes ago, deville said:

Succinctly put. Thank you. 

Much appreciated. Thank you for reading and leaving your comments.

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10 hours ago, dughlas said:

You've provided insight and much to think about. Thank you for being so open.

Thank you dughlas for being open to reading about it. I am always happy to answer questions, so is MacGreg, as long as they are serious ones. 

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@Mikiesboy, I acknowledge today, as I did last night, that your anger was not intentionally directed at me. I just happened to be the recipient of your disrespect at the moment you "saw red." Something for you to work on, yes, stay mindful - but right now I hold no bad feelings about it.

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7 minutes ago, MacGreg said:

@Mikiesboy, I acknowledge today, as I did last night, that your anger was not intentionally directed at me. I just happened to be the recipient of your disrespect at the moment you "saw red." Something for you to work on, yes, stay mindful - but right now I hold no bad feelings about it.

thank You, Sir. this boy is grateful.

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