Make us laugh!

[TalonRider]

You never know where you will see something that amuses you. While looking up a phone number in the local directory, I noticed one page with the alphabetic index at the top reading "HOT-HUNG".

 

Years ago, Indiana Bell, used to publish their number several different ways so people could find them. So if you spelled Phone as Fone, it was there.

[Guest Renese Williams]

In response to the image above, let me add the below item from failblog as a 'followup':

 

 

Oh that's just too funny.

[TetRefine]

WTF!

 

Edited October 25, 2009 by TetRefine

[Zeoanne]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.

Hope you had a good laugh, I know I did!!

[Skyline]

I'm all about the .gifs haha. I'll only post a couple, cause they tend to make pages load slow, and thats not good forum etiquette :<

 

I'll post some more later should I find a request to do so lol.

 

 

 

 

Enjoy

[MikeL]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

 

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[MikeL]

Before you buy an apple iPad, be sure to watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0qCE5aK4D0&NR=1

[MikeL]

If you get invited to an AT&T executive's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.

[JamesSavik]

[Arpeggio]

[url="

LOLOLOLOL

Chris spilled his beer over this one today.

[Zeoanne]

I love this Doctor!

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

 

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:

 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

"WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Edited February 10, 2010 by Rush

[KJames]

[url="

 

LOLOLOLOL

 

Chris spilled his beer over this one today.

 

Good thing that Chris isn't dating a black gal with swingin' ass and a kid guarding a bowl of Doritos on the coffee table!

[JamesSavik]

[KJames]

James, now that's funny!

[KJames]

My grandmother sent this to me; now undestand that before she was given her computer she fought tooth-and-nail against needing to have one... (and forget explaining to her how DSL works )

 

A Dark and Stormy Night

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

 

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

 

Bob brings his wife in.

 

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

 

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 

 

"Master, Master! .. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming!

What did you expect...it's free from a demented old friend on the Internet.

 

 

[TalonRider]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

 

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $15,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $15,000, and he wants to use this as collateral".

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

 

 

 

(you're gonna love this)

 

 

 

(It's a real treat)

 

 

 

 

(masterpiece)

 

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says......

 

 

 

 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

 

 

 

 

((You're singing it, aren't you???!!!)

[FairyTaleSkies]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

 

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $15,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $15,000, and he wants to use this as collateral".

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

 

 

 

(you're gonna love this)

 

 

 

(It's a real treat)

 

 

 

 

(masterpiece)

 

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says......

 

 

 

 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

 

 

 

 

((You're singing it, aren't you???!!!)

 

I loved this the first 50+ times I read it and I still love it

[FairyTaleSkies]

 

 

[MikeL]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman,I

just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

 

'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

[JamesSavik]

When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather; not like the four poor slobs in the car with him that went out screaming.

[KJames]

When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather; not like the four poor slobs in the car with him that went out screaming.

 

James, before we transferred out of one of our local Elks Lodges, one of the restaurant waitresses actually died that way--her dad fell asleep at the wheel, with her in the car and 2 others, and the other 4 family members came around the bend to this horrific accident between them and a very large truck.

[JamesSavik]

LOL... and that's not even the drunken abusive side of the family.

[MikeL]

STORY OF A CHALLENGED SENIOR

At a certain age, everyone will understand this.

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-cal-cu-lat-ing". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then, when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We've have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. (Sound familiar? Please let it keep ringing until I find it. Don't laugh; I am serious.)

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those reusable cloth bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I'm bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

[*HJ*]

[MikeL]

My aunt used to sit next to me at weddings, nudge me, and say "You're next!" She stopped doing that when I started doing the same thing to her at funerals.