Seeing Double

[Anya]

But it wont make the chapters fly to you any quicker. Patience my dear Anya

 

I know I was just jokin...I would never bug you about writing the chapters any quicker

[Frostina]

Hope you get over ur writer's block soon.....

 

 

 

 

 

[Former Member]

You are doing so well in this enthralling story Agaith! Keep writing and know that we are all enjoying it immensley

 

YAY!

 

Love from Joey~

[Agaith]

Aww thanks Joey I hope to keep it coming as much as I can

[AnytaSunday]

Ohhh, Agaith,

 

I love the mystery coming out in this chapter. What did Dan do??? Hmmmm, the mind is spinning off on possible answers to that.

 

Anyway, I like how you've maintained tension throughout the beginning of your story, and how your characters get more and more interesting. I continue to look forward to more updates on this.

 

Also, the lovey parts were really sweet.

 

Keep up the writing,

Anyta

[Agaith]

Ohhh, Agaith,

 

I love the mystery coming out in this chapter. What did Dan do??? Hmmmm, the mind is spinning off on possible answers to that.

 

Anyway, I like how you've maintained tension throughout the beginning of your story, and how your characters get more and more interesting. I continue to look forward to more updates on this.

 

Also, the lovey parts were really sweet.

 

Keep up the writing,

Anyta

 

 

I'm afraid the mystery is strung out for a bit longer

 

As to the tension, I've tried to keep an element in each chapter that makes you want to find out, never revealing too much in one go (expcet maybe chapter 6 )

 

Lovey dovey parts are fun to write

 

Thanks for reading Anyta! i love that you enjoy my story

[Agaith]

There is a cliffhanger at the end of Chapter 8 for which I wholly and unequivocally do not apologise for

[Anya]

There is a cliffhanger at the end of Chapter 8 for which I wholly and unequivocally do not apologise for

 

Tsk tsk...you evil brit!

 

Twas a good one though

 

Really liked this chapter!

 

 

Edited December 4, 2010 by Anya

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Stuart,

 

Okay so I am caught up on all the chapters. Very interesting - and that is meant in a good way. Your 'world' is intriguing.

 

Some comments - damn lawyers we always have comments -

 

I like the realism. Dan and Matt didn't lock eyes, fall in love and leap into the marital bedroom. AND once they finally did profess their 'like' for each other, they still didn't jump into jumping each other. Makes it feel like the real thing - good job.

 

Speaking of the two professing the like of each other - this may be just me but I would have like to have seen/read a bit more about how they felt afterwards. There was a lot of kissing etc, and while that is nice, I generally skim through those parts and look to see what the characters are feeling. Like I said, that is just me. Couple examples, we got a feel for Dan's emotions when he was telling Gary, but we didn't get that level of detail from Matt. Also, when Dan goes 'weird' on Matt, we know nothing about Dan's feelings. One of the great things about using 1st person to write is you get to show the reader all that the narrator is feeling. One of the bad things is that when you use 1st person, we expect to know what they are feeling in critical spots. Since you alternated between Dan and Matt, I was expecting to see Dan explain what was going on. More over, Matt seems rather blase about his silence. I am not sure that is in character for him, at least not given how you built him up. If he thinks people are judging him or he is not good enough, I would think he would be stressing out big time over the silence/avoidance. He would be having those same insecurity issues - I would think at least. I think you gave us four sentences after three days of silence. i didn't feel his angst over this, and IMHO I should have.

 

One of the things I think you do really well is information delivery. You didn't sit us down and plunk a ton of info about Galwrock and his powers and all of that. You let it come out slowly and in its proper time - very good on that too.

 

Be careful of the 'something pops up just as they are going to profess their love' kind of thing. You did it a couple times now. Like Dan and Matt were going to talk to each other at the Fresher thingy [no idea what that is, must be a Brit thing], and Matt has an energy attack. Then when they are trying to work things out at the bonefire, the assassin shows up. My point is be realistic. The timing of important events can't always fall just as another important event is about to happen. Too often, JUST as the two are going to say something momentous, something horrible happens to interrupt. Sure they might get cold feet and something could divert them as they struggled to say something, but try to avoid that easy out. There are many options for how to avoid this, they could talk, then while they were contemplating things it happens, they could intend to talk and before they get there the event happens, they could intend to talk but when they get there, something bad has happened and they don't talk, etc. Just avoid both events always coinciding.

 

One thing that confused me - and be gentle I know I am dim at times - Matt went from telling no one to telling basically everyone. He was given permission but then you mentioned something about enforcing their silence magically. Did he do that? Or did he not want to for some reason? I wasn't clear on that. It is clear Dan can tell anyone. Which leads me to another question/issue. Does Matt's powers need to be a secret? If so then his telling folks without some kind of forced silence is not believable. He would never just tell folks willy nilly and trust them that fast - flat mates including. That would be very out of character for him, people in general, and the story. If however, it doesn't really matter, then it makes sense.

 

Finally I love all the unanswered questions. Clearly the Principal knows more than he lets on, this whole war thing, what is it about, how long have they been enemies, has this fighting happened before, what kind of powers does Matt really have, what are his limits. Sure there is a cliff hanger but there is zero chance Dan dies, not gonna happen, going on record here as saying it. The better question is what does his injury do to Matt's psyche and his ability to have a relationship with Dan.

 

 

Okay that is long enough for a Saturday morning. Very much enjoying this so keep it coming mate.

 

Andy

[Agaith]

Andy I dont know why you thought I wouldnt want these comments (... JK!) they are fair comments and most of them are what ive asked myself as ive reread my story, most of these points im sure I can incorporate into future chapters, (although I might go back over chapter 9 to keep things ironed out).

 

As to Dan or Matt dying... there's still time

 

Thanks for the comments and thanks for reading Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Andy I dont know why you thought I wouldnt want these comments (... JK!) they are fair comments and most of them are what ive asked myself as ive reread my story, most of these points im sure I can incorporate into future chapters, (although I might go back over chapter 9 to keep things ironed out).

 

As to Dan or Matt dying... there's still time

 

Thanks for the comments and thanks for reading Andy

 

Well I hope you noticed there were good ones in there too - you are doing a lot of good stuff so don't change those

 

Oh, and whatever, I didn't believe Nephy when she said it, and I don't believe you now . Show me the money and I will believe it. Until then, not gonna happen. LOL

[Agaith]

Well I hope you noticed there were good ones in there too - you are doing a lot of good stuff so don't change those

 

Oh, and whatever, I didn't believe Nephy when she said it, and I don't believe you now . Show me the money and I will believe it. Until then, not gonna happen. LOL

 

You'll see come the end of the story what happens in the end

So I can't 'show you the money' until its written

 

I did see the good comments as well so thank you for those too

[Frostina]

Firstly Stu..

 

Its not that i don't think Dan's death is bad! its just that I think it'd have been much much more painful for both the characters if they were pitched against each other... So, I'm a romantic, Sue me!!!

 

And I agree with Andy... I too would think the story lacks a bit of Matt and Dan's feelings when they fall in "like" ad have their feelings reciprocated. it'll help us get into the minds of the characters...

 

Also, I know that you understand the fantasy world where Ailarha exists.. (I mean of course u do. You created it after all...) But its a little confusing for the readers, for me at least. can u elaborate the workings of the magical kingdom a little more? or do u think that it will take away the suspense?

 

Anyway. Waiting for the next installment as always...

[Agaith]

Thanks your comments and Andy's will help me plan the next chapters a bit better

Things will get explained... (dont ask me when! )

[AnytaSunday]

Lol, I had a chuckle at your Chapter's Notes! "a bit weird" hehehe.

 

Well, I wouldn't say weird. Imaginative and creative, yes. In fact, I think some of your strongest writing comes in that first bit. Here are a few examples of sentences that I particularly liked:

 

Her dark lips, a vivid contrast against the pallid skin, were drawn up into a mocking smile.

 

Yes, this description was nice.A couple of the paragraphs, though, I thought could be joined up together. May I demonstrate? (okay, well, I'm going to do it anyway, so I hope you don't mind.)

 

She was motionless, every muscle perfectly in tune to create the sense of perfect balance.

 

Her body glove fitted the contours of her body flawlessly, concealing the light grey skin underneath.

 

Her dark lips, a vivid contrast against the pallid skin, were drawn up into a mocking smile.

 

Her only thoughts concentrated on the task set out for her by her masters.

Some LOVELY imagery here. I think it would flow even better if this were one paragraph though. Save the shorter one-lined paragraphs for driving a point home.

 

So--

She was motionless, every muscle perfectly in tune to create the sense of perfect balance. Her body glove fitted her contours flawlessly, concealing the light grey skin underneath. Dark lips, a vivid contrast against the pallid skin, were drawn up into a mocking smile. Her only thoughts concentrated on the task set out for her by her masters.

 

Of course, it's just a thought.

I also really liked:

 

tendrils of violet Energy snaked around the prisoner --I can picture that so well, nice use of verb.

 

[Agaith]

Lol, I had a chuckle at your Chapter's Notes! "a bit weird" hehehe.

 

Well, I wouldn't say weird. Imaginative and creative, yes. In fact, I think some of your strongest writing comes in that first bit. Here are a few examples of sentences that I particularly liked:

 

Her dark lips, a vivid contrast against the pallid skin, were drawn up into a mocking smile.

 

Yes, this description was nice.A couple of the paragraphs, though, I thought could be joined up together. May I demonstrate? (okay, well, I'm going to do it anyway, so I hope you don't mind.)

 

 

Some LOVELY imagery here. I think it would flow even better if this were one paragraph though. Save the shorter one-lined paragraphs for driving a point home.

 

So--

She was motionless, every muscle perfectly in tune to create the sense of perfect balance. Her body glove fitted her contours flawlessly, concealing the light grey skin underneath. Dark lips, a vivid contrast against the pallid skin, were drawn up into a mocking smile. Her only thoughts concentrated on the task set out for her by her masters.

 

Of course, it's just a thought.

I also really liked:

 

tendrils of violet Energy snaked around the prisoner --I can picture that so well, nice use of verb.

 

"I can almost taste your soul Galwron. It smells divine." --I loved this part of the story with the capturing/prisoning of the soul.

 

 

Well, I didn't know what else to call it apart from weird at the time

 

Anyway, I'll have a look at closing those sentences up to continue the flow of the description

I did enjoy writing the soul consuming scene, although I tried to tone down how graphic it could have been ( although I'm sure it comes across how awful it is).

I certainly hope you post the next chapter soon, Mister, I'm not sure how long you can get away with leaving us on that cliffy. Poor Dan, whatever will happen to him!!! (Will it somehow give him powers? hmm, just curious).

 

Looking forward to nine,

 

Anyta

 

Umm well i wont be posting for a couple of weeks because I wannt to iron out a few things and make sure my story is still on track (although its going to be longer than i thought lol)

So Dan's going to have to stay 'dying' for a while

 

 

Thanks for reading and commenting Anyta

[Agaith]

Ok all the chapters I have posted so far on the old efiction site are now on the brand spanking new GA Stories site

 

A new chapter is ready and will be with you soon.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Ok all the chapters I have posted so far on the old efiction site are now on the brand spanking new GA Stories site

 

A new chapter is ready and will be with you soon.

 

Sure it will Stuart, define soon??

 

 

Ah well no more excuses for me either eh?

[Agaith]

Sure it will Stuart, define soon??

 

 

Ah well no more excuses for me either eh?

 

 

Soon is as soon as you stop asking

 

I define soon as once the mass movement of stories ease, so I will post in the next few days, probably late weekend.

 

And no, no more excuses for you!

[Nephylim]

i know exactly what you mean. I haven't even figured out how to post a new chapter yet. Looking forward to the new chapter though hun, although not sure how I am going to be able to find it

[Agaith]

i know exactly what you mean. I haven't even figured out how to post a new chapter yet. Looking forward to the new chapter though hun, although not sure how I am going to be able to find it

 

 

I'll give you the link Nephy

[Frostina]

U r mean Ag, u know that???

 

I am loving it... really... and really looking forward to the rest!! u said half of it is still left and thats not doing good things to my nails, i'm trying to play things in my mind, and as we oth know, that's not going too well... so have pity on this little mortal and write some more...

 

I'll be in ur debt

 

[Agaith]

U r mean Ag, u know that???

 

I am loving it... really... and really looking forward to the rest!! u said half of it is still left and thats not doing good things to my nails, i'm trying to play things in my mind, and as we oth know, that's not going too well... so have pity on this little mortal and write some more...

 

I'll be in ur debt

 

 

 

Awww Frosty

 

I will write when i can and feel like it, but I tend to write most of a chapter in one sitting so when I write I write quite a bit

 

Chapter 10 will be along, but my crystal ball is shrouded as to when it will be posted

[DaddyRick]

I have just finished reading chapter 1 and I like so far where the story is going. Keep it up and I plan to keep reading as you post.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Stuart,

 

Love Chapter 9 glad a) Daniel is okay and he and and Matt are finally working things out.

 

Couple questions and a couple comments -

 

What's up with Ailarha and Matt - what's the feud about - for a group of people about to go to war for the future of their world, there is a bit of tension there - are you going to explain that in coming chapters??

 

What's up with the Lords and Lady's - are they the heads of house? Is that how Galwrock is organized socially and politically?

 

Is Dan stuck there from now on? I mean they are about to take him to go train, but, um doesn't he have classes and stuff and won't he be missed back home??

 

Okay for the comments - and these won't be gushing with praise for your story - cause I did that enough

 

First, I am not sure you explained the issues/resolution between Dan and Matt enough. You had Dan sacrifice himself for Matt and Matt save Dan and realized what his true feelings were BUT you never really had them explain their tension. Sure they each resolved their own inner demons but they never shared them with each other. Given how they have each acted so far, I am not sure the next step for both would be to hop in the shower together - at least not before they had a chance to talk out their differences. Of course I do get that Dan left the keys in Matt's hands so to speak, he wanted more but would go as slow or as fast as Matt wanted. So in that sense, Dan's reaction is understandable, but there is nothing that really shows us Matt's resolution. Maybe that is just me - but a bit more would be good IMHO.

 

Second - Can you flesh out a bit the dynamic of what they are now - from fighting to a little shower fun to Daniel being the paramour of the Lord Matt, with enough status to be allowed into a high level meeting and to sit beside his 'lover.' maybe it is just me but that seems awful fast - especially in light of how slow things went up to now.

 

Third - okay so I said not gushing praise but I lied. I think the way you detailed the Dark Energy and how Matt had to struggle to contain it was brilliant stuff. I mean the easy way is to say - 'he extended his healing energies and Dan was fine.' But you avoided that and took the harder more difficult task of explaining it in detail that made sense to the reader AND was believable - great stuff.

 

Looking forward to Chapter 10.

 

Andy