Coming out to his parents?

[SolarMaxx]

What advice do you give a 15 year old nephew about coming out to his parents?

[faxity]

Play 'Same Love' by Macklemore and then prompt a discussion so he can feel out their opinions first XD

 

Really, though, I think a lot of that would depend on circumstance. The 'Mom, Dad, I think I'm gay' speech works for some people (from what I've heard, at least; I'm no expert XD), but for others it might make their parents think they're unsure and prompt them to try some type of 'conversion' O.o . I'm gonna assume that since he had to ask, they don't know about your sexuality already. Is there a reason for that, maybe one he should be aware of? Also, would you be comfortable with 'coming out' with him, to help take the pressure off him? There's too many different variables to give a definite answer to your question, so I'll stick with general advice. Please keep in mind that I've never done this, so this is only coming from logic, not experience. 

 

He should probably decide what they'd respond better to: a calm conversation, a confrontation, or any mix of the two. For some people, having it broken to them gently would make them accept it easier, but for others, the shock of walking in on him kissing a guy (for example) could help keep negative feelings associated with the 'g' word (gay) out. Also, is he sure this is the right time? As harsh as it sounds, in some circumstances it could be better to wait until he's safely out of the house and legally responsible for himself before letting them know. Supportive parents could really help him, but pissed off extremist parents could ruin his life. Chances are, if his parents are your siblings then they're not religious extremists, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

Sorry if this was really vague XD hope it helps!

[JamesSavik]

I addressed this a few weeks ago in my blog. I think it stands up fairly well.

 

 

Coming out is a very much an individual thing. It can be very tricky but it is something that you get to decide for yourself.

You owe it to YOURSELF to do it right.

You DO NOT owe it to the mythological "gay community" to come out at all costs and injure yourself and your future in the process.

You could either be in Canada or California. Both places have very liberal attitudes right beside very conservative ones.

I remember a guy whose Mom was very liberal and gay friendly until he came out. She said that's fine for other people but no son of mine is going to be a f-ing faggot.

While there are tons of happy happy, joy joy coming out stories, there are a lot of shitty ones too.

It's a process and you need to think it through because you can only do it once and there can be permanent consequences.

There are some points to seriously consider:

• At this point in my life is it right for me?
• How will my family react
• How will my friends react
• How will the effect my work/school

At this point in my life is it right for me?

You have to think about where you are. A 16 year old living at home will have concerns that a 25 year old colloege grad living on his own does not.


How will my family react

The problem here is that you might not guess right.


How will my friends react

If you are in high school, trusting the wrong people can set you up for a lot of misery.


How will the effect my work/school

A serious consideration. Will you become the school fag and the butt of all sorts of bullying and humiliation or are you in a school that wouldn't tolerate that sort of rubbish?


There's a lot to think about.

DON'T PANIC.

There's no time limit. You get to do this at your own pace or even not at all if you are uncomfortable with it.

The best plan is for you to be completely comfortable with it beforehand because I guarantee- the more confident you are, the better it will go.


________________

PS- Never, ever, ever say I think I'm gay. This implies that you aren't sure and those that aren't with it will want you to go to quack doctors to be fixed.

The right thing to say, with confidence, is that I am gay. That doesn't leave wiggle room for quacks.

You aren't broken. You don't need to be fixed.

Best of luck,

James

[rustle]

Standard disclaimer. There's no "right" way. Here are my thoughts.

 

First and foremost, stay safe. Look for clues to a likely reaction. Listen for comments on gays, same-sex marriage. Does somebody's lip curl in disgust or a smile when 2 guys are holding hands?

 

There's a risk to coming out and being out. There's an honesty and freedom in being out. Weigh the risks and rewards.

 

Assuming your nephew decides to come out, how would he feel most comfortable and secure? On neutral ground, with support, one parent at a time? Since we're talking about absolute honesty here, the more relaxed it is, the better.

 

The more he understands about his own journey to this point, and can explain it, the more likelihood of acceptance. Parents who don't react well tend to act as if being gay is a mantle you can put on or take of, not an innate characteristic. They see a "change" in little Johnny, and not the same boy they've known all his life. When did he first start to wonder? Has he ever dated girls or kissed one? Has he ever wanted to? Did he notice when his classmates began to be interested in girls? How did he feel about that?

 

I live in Texas, where there's a good chance of encountering drama, hostility, or anger. But if I were 15 and gay today, I would hope for the courage to talk to my folks, to be honest with them, and to have an adult relationship with them.

 

If both parents were kinda close/cool, I'd talk to both at once. "You know, a lot of things have changed recently, but a lot of things haven't. I love you two; you've always provided for me, protected me, done what you thought was best for me. I really want to thank you. I'll always love you, and I always want to be able to be honest with you. When I was five...; when I was 11 and went into middle school, I saw the older kids starting to notice each other. I saw my classmates start to notice. My friends started to talk about girls. I started to expect it to happen to me, but it never did."

 

But that's me.

 

If your nephew knows you're gay, why don't you let him read this thread? I'm sure there will be some thoughtful responses.

 

edited to add:

 

Since I started writing this, sure enough, James posted his thoughts. Beautifully.

Edited September 17, 2014 by rustle

[SolarMaxx]

OK -- I'm not exactly proud of this, or necessarily ashamed -- but I've have never told anyone about my bi-sexuality, or even had a single same-sex experience. I suppose I closed that part of myself off in high school, and while I used to think it was complicated, it's really not. Dating women exclusively was always far easier and safer! I always had lots of opportunities and I was lucky enough to fall in love and get married early in life. I don't want to piss anyone off, although I know I probably will, but that's the path I chose without regret, and I have a great life most of the time. Until recently, I never looked back.

I grew up in a very large, very religious family, in the rigid heart of the Midwest bible-belt. Tolerance and progressive thinking aren't exactly hallmarks here! My nephew came out to me some months ago, probably because I'm the family sin-eater (dumping ground for everyone else's problems) -- and he knows I'm agnostic! He doesn't know about my sexual duality, and I'm not inclined to tell him because somehow I just can't do it, and I also don't see how it would be helpful at this time.

My first inclination, when he asked my advice, was to advise him to follow his conscience -- because he actually seems to be OK being gay! But frankly, advising him to be honest with his parents at this point in his life seems like majorly-dangerous idealism!

I already know I'm a bad one to ask so don't even waste a single watt of energy admonishing me -- I really can't handle the additional guilt. He's a very good kid and I know that lying & deception don't come naturally to him. But I'm really concerned that if his "coming-out" goes badly, his life could become a living hell! I'm now thinking that discretion is a more practical path for him, at least until he is on his own. I wish I didn't know any of this -- it's definitely keeping me up nights. I'm really concerned about giving him the wrong advice! I want him to feel good about himself and who he is -- but also be aware that it can be a hostel world, and oppression and cruelty can be unrelenting -- even among those you love!

Edited September 18, 2014 by SolarMaxx

[Palantir]

SolarMaxx, from what you've written I can see not a skerrick of reason for you to feel guilt.

You've given your nephew concern, compassion and acceptance.

You've wrestled and sought help with what might be the best thing to do.

 

Take your nephew through the pros and cons of coming out in his situation.

I would suggest making a copy of Jame's blog (post 3 above) and using that as a base for a discussion. It's as thoughtful a summing up of things to consider as you'll find anywhere, and points out how much it's a personal decision and how much it should never be rushed into.

 

It sounds as if you feel you have to tell him what to do. Don't! Any decision he makes should be his own.

Your help can be as a sounding board and fact and ideas provider, talking about consequences and reactions he is likely to face.

[rustle]

Dear Sin Eater,

 

When you fell in love and married, you forsook all others. Just the same as a straight person should upon getting married. You are living an authentic and honest life, true to yourself. To openly declare same-sex attraction would be nothing but hurtful to others.

 

I think I'd be pleased and proud to have you as an uncle.

 

r

Edited September 18, 2014 by rustle

[Guest battybeef]

What advice do you give a 15 year old nephew about coming out to his parents?

 

 

don't do it.

[SolarMaxx]

Dear Sin Eater,

 

When you fell in love and married, you forsook all others. Just the same as a straight person should upon getting married. You are living an authentic and honest life, true to yourself. To openly declare same-sex attraction would be nothing but hurtful to others.

 

I think I'd be pleased and proud to have you as an uncle.

 

r

Thank you for that thought gnomenreigen! I think maybe I just needed to hear it from another person. Until recently I've always felt that same way, especially because I do love my wife, and we have a happy life together. I sometimes wonder if we would be even closer if I told her about my gay half. I don't she would believe me, but if I did managed to convince her, I think she would be very supportive as long as I wasn't on the prowl! I honestly don't know if such a revelation would be painful for her or not! Since it has always been a moot point, I guess I never will. I think this whole thing with my nephew stirred up some dormant feelings. It's not easy being a sin-eater in my family! For all the scripture quoting -- there seems to be an awful lot of sins!

 

I have 14 nephews and 6 nieces -- and every single one of them is perfect!

Thanks again,

Maxx

[Ashi]

Thank you for that thought gnomenreigen! I think maybe I just needed to hear it from another person. Until recently I've always felt that same way, especially because I do love my wife, and we have a happy life together. I sometimes wonder if we would be even closer if I told her about my gay half. I don't she would believe me, but if I did managed to convince her, I think she would be very supportive as long as I wasn't on the prowl! I honestly don't know if such a revelation would be painful for her or not! Since it has always been a moot point, I guess I never will. I think this whole thing with my nephew stirred up some dormant feelings. It's not easy being a sin-eater in my family! For all the scripture quoting -- there seems to be an awful lot of sins!

 

I have 14 nephews and 6 nieces -- and every single one of them is perfect!

Thanks again,

Maxx

 

If I were in your situation, I would not even entertain the idea I have that other desire.  It's just too hurtful to anyone, especially the one you DO love.  I am not in your situation, and fortunately isn't into a guy who is married, but I've seen a coworker who felt in love with a married guy.  It's just sad....  Sad for everyone involved.  I swear I would never get involved in such relationship, but who knows..., love can be blind....  But I really do pray (secularly) that I would never have to face such demon.

 

Back to the topic (what? this wasn't the main topic? ), I would let the nephew know he has some support from a member of a family.  There really isn't anything you could do, but for a scared kid who is in closet because his/her family may not understand him, that's a huge thing for his/her emotional well being.  I don't know if you're ready for this (and you do need to talk to your wife about it), but perhaps if you could, tell your nephew if he got thrown out of the house, you have a place for him.  I imagine a lot of gay teens committed suicide because they don't know where to go, physically and emotionally.  My instinct tells me a fifteen years old shouldn't come out unless he could support himself financially somewhat.  Once he is in college, at least he got a dorm room to stay if his parents disowned him.

 

EDIT:  Could you please pronounce that g word for me?  G... what?

Edited September 19, 2014 by Ashi

[SolarMaxx]

SolarMaxx, from what you've written I can see not a skerrick of reason for you to feel guilt.

You've given your nephew concern, compassion and acceptance.

You've wrestled and sought help with what might be the best thing to do.

 

Take your nephew through the pros and cons of coming out in his situation.

I would suggest making a copy of Jame's blog (post 3 above) and using that as a base for a discussion. It's as thoughtful a summing up of things to consider as you'll find anywhere, and points out how much it's a personal decision and how much it should never be rushed into.

 

It sounds as if you feel you have to tell him what to do. Don't! Any decision he makes should be his own.

Your help can be as a sounding board and fact and ideas provider, talking about consequences and reactions he is likely to face.

Thank you Larwain, for your supportive words -- and taking the time to send them. They definitely ring of truth, and you've given me some constructive ideas to consider. I have to say, there are some very impressive people on this site. I wish I would have had access to it in high school. The information vacuum for anything existing outside my family's belief system was absolute!

 

Maxx

[SolarMaxx]

If I were in your situation, I would not even entertain the idea I have that other desire.  It's just too hurtful to anyone, especially the one you DO love.  I am not in your situation, and fortunately isn't into a guy who is married, but I've seen a coworker who felt in love with a married guy.  It's just sad....  Sad for everyone involved.  I swear I would never get involved in such relationship, but who knows..., love can be blind....  But I really do pray (secularly) that I would never have to face such demon.

 

Back to the topic (what? this wasn't the main topic? ), I would let the nephew know he has some support from a member of a family.  There really isn't anything you could do, but for a scared kid who is in closet because his/her family may not understand him, that's a huge thing for his/her emotional well being.  I don't know if you're ready for this (and you do need to talk to your wife about it), but perhaps if you could, tell your nephew if he got thrown out of the house, you have a place for him.  I imagine a lot of gay teens committed suicide because they don't know where to go, physically and emotionally.  My instinct tells me a fifteen years old shouldn't come out unless he could support himself financially somewhat.  Once he is in college, at least he got a dorm room to stay if his parents disowned him.

 

EDIT:  Could you please pronounce that g word for me?  G... what?

I'm inclined to agree with most of what your saying Ashi. My nephew already knows he has a place with us whenever; and for as long as he needs it. Neither my wife or myself would want him anywhere else, in a worst-case-scenario. But if it comes to that, it will divide the family catastrophically, and permanently, I'm afraid. And Even though he would be safe and loved here, I think it would damage him in ways he might not be able to see just yet. It would also cast one hell of a shadow over his remaining high school years!

 

As for me, I'm loyal by nature, and I never spent much time considering what might have been, or how I could cheat to get more!  I was lucky enough to find my soul-mate and fall in love early in life -- and yes, I'm happy it was with a women, I guess it could have just as easily gone the other way -- and wise enough, most days, to be grateful!

 

Thanks for the feedback,

Maxx

[rustle]

 

EDIT:  Could you please pronounce that g word for me?  G... what?

 

Imma guess this is a reference to gnomenreigen, dance of the gnomes.

[MarcW]

came across this "newspaper" article today ,,,,

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2759319/Brave-teen-records-coming-mother-gets-shock-life-mother-comes-him.html

 

 

you never know how some people will take it..

[SolarMaxx]

came across this "newspaper" article today ,,,,

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2759319/Brave-teen-records-coming-mother-gets-shock-life-mother-comes-him.html

 

 

you never know how some people will take it..

WOW! Talk about living in the Twilight Zone!

[SolarMaxx]

As harsh as it sounds, in some circumstances it could be better to wait until he's safely out of the house and legally responsible for himself before letting them know. Supportive parents could really help him, but pissed off extremist parents could ruin his life. Chances are, if his parents are your siblings then they're not religious extremists, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

My siblings and family members, without exception, are about as religiously extreme, and fundamentally dogmatic as anyone I've encountered through direct experience! I've seen harsher extremes in the news, but I don't want to go there!

 

On one hand, I'm often reminded that I will "burn in hell for all eternity..." for audaciously questioning my religious teachings! On the other hand, when someone is troubled and seeking solice, they usually wind up at my doorstep -- almost secretly -- to talk. Since I'm an agnostic, I think it comfort's them to know I won't be condemning them to hell!

 

Maxx 

Edited September 20, 2014 by SolarMaxx

[MikeL]

came across this "newspaper" article today ,,,,

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2759319/Brave-teen-records-coming-mother-gets-shock-life-mother-comes-him.html

 

 

 

Here's the video:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=y8MZlK05Cg8

[zaf89]

My siblings and family members, without exception, are about as religiously extreme, and fundamentally dogmatic as anyone I've encountered through direct experience! I've seen harsher extremes in the news, but I don't want to go there!

 

On one hand, I'm often reminded that I will "burn in hell for all eternity..." for audaciously questioning my religious teachings! On the other hand, when someone is troubled and seeking solice, they usually wind up at my doorstep -- almost secretly -- to talk. Since I'm an agnostic, I think it comfort's them to know I won't be condemning them to hell!

 

Maxx 

Then, yeah, I would not come out to them under those circumstances. Not because he should feel it's bad, or that he should feel ashamed, or that it's his problem, but because it's their problem and he could really face some dire consequences because of their issues at such a young age when he probably won't be able to fend for himself in the world. It's a shame, but if he can just hold off on telling them for a few years, that would probably be for the best. Doesn't mean he can't confide in trusted friends, or relatives like you, though. 

[SolarMaxx]

Then, yeah, I would not come out to them under those circumstances. Not because he should feel it's bad, or that he should feel ashamed, or that it's his problem, but because it's their problem and he could really face some dire consequences because of their issues at such a young age when he probably won't be able to fend for himself in the world. It's a shame, but if he can just hold off on telling them for a few years, that would probably be for the best. Doesn't mean he can't confide in trusted friends, or relatives like you, though. 

Thanks zaf89 -- I'm agree with you. I was reminded in a previous posting here, that I shouldn't be trying to tell him what to do. It is his decision. I find myself embracing that sentiment, especially since I've never come out to my own parents -- or any other living soul for that matter. I guess I'll never know for sure, but I've always suspected that if I had had the courage to try, my father would have burned me at the stake to save my soul! I know that's hyperbole -- or maybe gallows humor -- but it's probably dangerously close to the truth! 

 

Maxx

[MarcW]

my parents are of mixed religious backgrounds ... but both never pushed their faith onto us, their kids, instead they gave us a background understanding of them .. most having the tenet (boiled down to the most simplest form) of "do unto others that you wish to be done to yourself" - if your kind & open to others they should do the same...(if they get it at all)..

 

in the end eldest brother is lapsed catholic (only because his wife was one - now she's gone evangelical  - so both in the process of divorce), ditto for sister (only so she could get her kids into a good school) , 2nd brother Jewish (living in Israel), youngest brother WAS Jewish, Married with kids, now divorced & married to a nice Italian catholic girl & with 2 more daughters - me ? a Darwinist & gay (but not completely out - in fact so far in the closet I'm sure I'm in Narnia sometimes   - but working my way out of it a bit quicker these days)

 

people really should always be left to make up their own minds ...

[SolarMaxx]

my parents are of mixed religious backgrounds ... but both never pushed their faith onto us, their kids, instead they gave us a background understanding of them .. most having the tenet (boiled down to the most simplest form) of "do unto others that you wish to be done to yourself" - if your kind & open to others they should do the same...(if they get it at all)..

 

in the end eldest brother is lapsed catholic (only because his wife was one - now she's gone evangelical  - so both in the process of divorce), ditto for sister (only so she could get her kids into a good school) , 2nd brother Jewish (living in Israel), youngest brother WAS Jewish, Married with kids, now divorced & married to a nice Italian catholic girl & with 2 more daughters - me ? a Darwinist & gay (but not completely out - in fact so far in the closet I'm sure I'm in Narnia sometimes   - but working my way out of it a bit quicker these days)

 

people really should always be left to make up their own minds ...

XD -- I've spent considerable time in Narnia myself!

 

I don't want to come across as an anti-religious zealot -- because I'm not! I've visited many places of worshiped and studied their traditions. There is almost always a core of values that embodies truth and beauty, and worthy of reflection. It's only when virtue gets perverted into a self-serving addenda that I become weary!

 

Maxx 

[MarcW]

XD -- I've spent considerable time in Narnia myself!

 

I don't want to come across as an anti-religious zealot -- because I'm not! I've visited many places of worshiped and studied their traditions. There is almost always a core of values that embodies truth and beauty, and worthy of reflection. It's only when virtue gets perverted into a self-serving addenda that I become weary!

 

Maxx 

hi Maxx,

totally agree with your sentiment - some people find comfort in religions which is good for them, others not - its each to their own.

[SolarMaxx]

don't do it.

As much as I appreciate succinct answers -- may I ask why?

 

Maxx

[Robert Rex]

Solar, it's great that you're a friendly listening ear for the nephew--and obviously supportive of him and his quest to be more open.  (Maybe taking in a 15 year old?  My hat's off to you!)  And, even though your role of being the family "sin-eater" is tough on you, your obviously big heart and cool head are recognized and respected.

But, here's a couple of questions that your nephew might wanna answer in figuring out how to proceed:

1)  Why do I want to tell my parents?  If it's to be open to them, in terms of sharing his life, good.  If there's even the slightest trace of him wanting to punish his parents ("See what you did, you made me gay!"), not good.

2)  What's the reason he wants to tell now--is it his choice, or is he being "pushed" into outing himself by a boyfriend, or group of other gay kids? 

Bottom line:  His reasons/motives in all of this are important.

It's also important to figure out when to tell 'em.  Holidays are stressful for most families, and may not be the best time to come out.  And, like in many stories here, they may already "know", so a casual conversation may be enough--not a dramatic coming out event.

These aren't questions that your nephew--or you--owe any of us here.  We're interested, and want to help, but it's far more important for him and you these things are identified;  I'm betting it'll make working through his decision easier.

And regardless of his decision on this, your open door and open heart are making a big difference in the guy's life....you can be proud of what you're doing for him.

[SolarMaxx]

Solar, it's great that you're a friendly listening ear for the nephew--and obviously supportive of him and his quest to be more open.  (Maybe taking in a 15 year old?  My hat's off to you!)  And, even though your role of being the family "sin-eater" is tough on you, your obviously big heart and cool head are recognized and respected.

But, here's a couple of questions that your nephew might wanna answer in figuring out how to proceed:

1)  Why do I want to tell my parents?  If it's to be open to them, in terms of sharing his life, good.  If there's even the slightest trace of him wanting to punish his parents ("See what you did, you made me gay!"), not good.

2)  What's the reason he wants to tell now--is it his choice, or is he being "pushed" into outing himself by a boyfriend, or group of other gay kids? 

Bottom line:  His reasons/motives in all of this are important.

It's also important to figure out when to tell 'em.  Holidays are stressful for most families, and may not be the best time to come out.  And, like in many stories here, they may already "know", so a casual conversation may be enough--not a dramatic coming out event.

These aren't questions that your nephew--or you--owe any of us here.  We're interested, and want to help, but it's far more important for him and you these things are identified;  I'm betting it'll make working through his decision easier.

And regardless of his decision on this, your open door and open heart are making a big difference in the guy's life....you can be proud of what you're doing for him.

Thanks Robert -- you've definitely given me some new things to think about. The "Punishing Parents..." angle never even occurred to me. I don't know how much of this thread you've read, but there's a lot of moving parts to the problem. For one thing, he's being open and honest with me and I'm basically lying to him! That's really starting to eat at me! I've thought about telling him about my own sexual identity in support, but I can't make myself do it. I honestly don't know why -- but that's my baggage to deal with, and he shouldn't have to. I think the big issue for him now is fear! I'm not sure how to properly say this, but he doesn't have the kind of personality or mannerisms that will make it easy for him to conceal being gay much longer. Somehow I guess I never really noticed it until this summer! There's already a lot of suspicion in the family. He doesn't want to talk about school much, so we don't -- and he's made it very clear he no interest in girls, period! So I'm not going to stick my hand in that fire again! He promises not to come out unless I'm there with him -- and definitely not until after the holidays. I won't lie, that prospect scares the living hell out of me! When I was fairly young I saw my dad beat my brother (his father) bloody with a piece of chair for much less!

 

Anyway, getting involved with this site and talking with compassionate people like yourself has been great. It has really helped me through a dark time. And somehow, I'll figure this out -- I always do.

 

Maxx